It wasn't enough. Giving my mother what she wanted yesterday only led to her asking for more. Instead of being satisfied with what she got, she called up this morning screaming for another fight. On the phone though it is easier for me to step back. She's not in my house or my car. All I have to do is hang up. So I answered her question politely, and repeated myself several times even though I knew she wasn't listening. Then the kid needed my attention and I excused myself abruptly. A few minutes later I called her back and she refused to answer the call. Later she called again, but this time I was out. She claimed she wasn't home when I called her back, and then she started in again about something else. When the message got too high strung I deleted it without listening to the rest. I don't need this insanity in my life.
After dinner I talked to my husband. I asked him some "what if I do this and she does that..." and a few other things. He told me what I wanted to hear. He told me it was okay to disengage even if it means a loss of material items. Sanity is more important.
I made a quick attempt to reach my mother and got her machine, no surprise. I don't think she really wants to talk to me. I think she just wants to fight. Now she is asking me for something she knows I don't want to give her- time and commitments. I won't go through all the details in the blog here. I can't explain nearly 40 years of history to someone who hasn't known her.
One person who does know her is my father. He was married to her for less than 3 years, but because of me and his own personal goodness of character, he has been around this woman for longer than I have. I am grateful for that. So I called him and talked for a few minutes. He is a great man when it comes to this stuff, much better than anyone else. He sided with my husband and said it was okay to detach and disengage. If my mother does something rash because I refuse to meet her terms, then that's her decision, her life. It's not for me to feel guilty about. He reminded me of the time many years ago when she and I were riding in a car and she just flat out hit me across the head while she was driving. He wasn't there, but I told him about it. I've mostly forgotten about it now, but it wasn't the only time. She likes to hurt people. Putting myself in her physical space is putting myself at risk for abuse of many kinds. I'm not the only one she has hit. My father reminded me of that. We briefly shared memories of witnessing her assaulting her 3rd husband. It's good to remember that it's not me. It's her.
So many things in my program help me here. First of all I have a right to protect myself and my family. Anytime abuse is involved the answer should always be "Get out, get somewhere safe." How often do we go back? Over and over again. Whether it's to a relationship with a man or a woman, or to a parent or a child, we keep going back. I am stupid like that, and it's been proven repeatedly.
Second, I am powerless over this. I am powerless over her. No matter what reaction I give her, she will do what she is determined to do. It doesn't matter if I give her what she wants today, or not. She is on some kind of roll and she's not going to stop until she hits her own personal wall. I don't exist. She is just going to go full speed until she breaks. Or whatever. It doesn't matter whether I say "yes you are right" or whether I say "No, you are completely wrong", she is just going to twist whatever is said to meet her own agenda and then she is going to follow that destructive path that is hers to follow. I cannot stop this. I am powerless over her. No amount of guilt is going to change that.
Third... God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.... .... and the wisdom to know the difference.
Am I talking in circles yet? The arguments with my mother aren't over yet. I suspect they will escalate until we are not speaking to one another. She will bond with my brother while this is happening, no doubt, because she cannot stand to be on bad terms with both of us at the same time. My father reassured me tonight, my husband reassured me, and will probably have to continue to reassure me daily and often, and I have to turn this over to my higher power. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, or brain damage that's to blame the result is the same.
I wish she was a different person. I wish I could depend on her to be loving and kind. I know that side of her exists. I wish I could count on her as being a grandmother that my daughter could love unconditionally. However I have to accept that she is not going to change. She is 60 years old, and even if she gave up drinking she will never be "sober".
NOW I'm talking in circles. You may see more on this as the week goes on. I've said more here than I usually say about her. I try to keep this blog about me. I hope you all see that. I am struggling with my reactions to her behavior; the split between "being a good daughter" and trying to protect myself from my abuser.
"We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally."
.....
"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."
http://www.adultchildren.org/
And then of course I need to keep repeating steps 1, 2, 3... I admitted I was powerless, I came to believe, I made a decision to turn it over to my HP.
And this is why this blog is here folks. This is getting close to the root of it.
May you have peace today.
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