Still here.... but detaching

I stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.

The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.

I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.

The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.

So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.

I just need to let it go.

Does your faith sustain you?

I was thinking about this earlier today. Does your faith sustain you? Can you turn to it when you are trying to sort out a secular problem? Or do you go to church on Sundays and forget about it the rest of the week?

What about your Al-Anon program? Is it just something you focus on during a meeting, or when you are dealing with the alcoholic in your life? Or do you use the tools when coping with other things in life?

I haven't been to meetings in a long, long time but the tools I have gained from those meetings, and from the literature which I still have, stays with me. I try to apply it to my daily life.

My husband needs to see his doctor. Know what? It's NOT MY PROBLEM. I have to let that go and let him live his own life.

We bought a new car. I feel guilty, Know what? I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I am allowed good things in life. Just because my mother doesn't have a car (too many DUIs) doesn't mean I deserve something less for myself. I need to let go of the guilt!

My kid has days when she chooses to be in a bad mood. Know what? I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. (Granted I check myself to make sure I didn't cause it.) I need to let that go too.

Every day, multiple times a day, I find myself using the tools from Al-Anon.

Whether you use the tools from Al-Anon or the tools from your favorite religious teachings I hope they sustain you through good times and bad.

rare political post

If you are going to vote on the "Live and Let Live" theme of 12-step programs, then your only choice is to vote Libertarian. Vote Gary Johnson for President. He might not win, but you will be sending a message that you really value this in your life.

That is all.

She's gone

I know everyone is celebrating Easter today, and I do wish everyone a Happy Easter. However this blog has never been about that. Today's blog is about my mother, and myself of course.

Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.

Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.

Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.

At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.

more about things with my mother

We compromised on our birthdays. She ended up having her tag sale again on March 12th. So I brought my daughter with me and we visited the tag sale and delivered a birthday gift. I let my daughter have anything she wanted from the tag sale but I paid my mother for it all. My daughter especially wanted the glass stuff. She's not used to being allowed to have real glass and thought it was very special. I didn't argue.

I saw my mother again a couple of weeks later. She said she needed to clear out her safety deposit box at the bank and turn in her keys. I think I posted here that getting the keys was HUGE drama between us. This time I went alone, and did not bring my daughter. We went to the bank and lo and behold, my mom had cleared out the box the day before. She really, really did not want me seeing what was in there. We turned in the keys and signed all the forms etc. Went back to her place and talked for a bit and she loaded me up with more stuff she doesn't want. I did get a big box of old photo albums which is nice. I am eager to look at it but haven't had time  yet. I thought I was going to bring home the final piece of furniture that I was getting from her but I couldn't move it myself. I had to send my husband back for it later in the day. Still, it's done now. That piece is in our living room now. I have another piece still in our basement that I want to move upstairs now that we have this and then we are DONE with furniture from my mom I think. Settled. She is taking some stuff to Florida that I may want some day, however I told her it's her stuff. She's alive and using it and that's the way it should be. I am not out to take away all her stuff. I'm just taking the big stuff now so that I don't have to rent a big truck for it later. I can put boxes in the trunk of a car easily enough in 10 years or whatever. That's no problem.

The strange thing is... I really don't know when I'll see her again once she goes down there. My daughter is already talking about visiting but when I mention it to my husband he is always like "Why? I hate Florida. It's hot there...." His mother is there too in a different town than my mom will be. Maybe daughter and I will go without him sometime. I don't know.

The three of us did go down a few years ago in September 2008 when my mom was still there. Then in July 2009 my mom came back up here. Our daughter doesn't remember 2008 though. All she remembers is the last year or two I guess. The joys of being a preschooler! This will be different for her, having grandma be away.

I think I'll be seeing my mother at least once more because daughter's birthday is coming up. Then after that it is all a question mark still. Maybe 2 or 3 times that I'll see her at most I guess. It looks like April is going to go fast and then she will be gone. There is a lot of relief that will come with this, but nervousness too. When she's here I worry about the harm she will cause to me. When she's gone I will worry about the harm she is causing to herself or others. There really is no perfect solution I guess.

Ah well. I just have to keep handing it over to my higher power. Hopefully someone somewhere will take care of her and keep her safe. In so many ways she's like a child or maybe a teenager. She needs someone to keep her out of jail. I hope she finds him/her soon.

Live and Let Live.

Breathe in... breathe out

This is one of those times that I'm caught off guard. I didn't expect this to be so hard and yet here I am. My husband and I are pulling at each other. I am constantly reminded by myself and by him to detach and let go. This time it's letting go of my husband. We have a home repair project that as I write this is probably underway at least a little bit. My husband is in charge and is doing most of the work himself. However I keep butting in. "Shouldn't you be doing this? Did you think about that....?"  and his reply "Do you trust me or not honey? I told you I can do this, now get out of my way and let me do this. You have your own list..."

and he's right of course. My job is to stay out of his way for the yesterday and today. Then tomorrow I take orders and help out as needed. Then Saturday and Sunday my job is to keep the child away from the house and entertained. I got to pick the hotel at least. :-)

Today my husband called me at work a few times and told me of the "discoveries" he was making. Added layers of work, added money to be spent at the big orange store, added time spent doing the work.

I plan to leave our house on Friday afternoon, after helping him for the day. On Monday I hope to return to a functioning home, that functions the way that it does today with all the things working. In the meantime I need to be practicing and practicing my letting go and letting god, my detaching, trust, the serenity prayer, and living one hour at a time.

Of course it doesn't end there either. On Saturday and Sunday I'll be mostly in "single parent mode" and I will be negotiating with our child what we will do, where we will spend our time, where we will eat, etc. It will be a seesaw ride of trying to keep her busy while not wearing myself out too much. She's got more energy than I do I think, and it can be hard to keep up.  :-)

It's all worth it if things go well, and if things don't go well... well I don't want to think about that yet. I just need to get through the rest of this afternoon first. This moment, here, this blog post, etc.

Image via Wikipedia

I'm so behind... I should be reading instead of writing

Wow, what a week! The kid kept me home on Tuesday because she was sick. The weather kept us all home yesterday- snow and rain. I'm guessing I'll be going home to a wet basement today because it hasn't stopped raining all day. Well maybe it HAS stopped by now. Still probably will be a mess at home.

Anyway... in the DUH! WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN DEPARTMENT-
I violated my own boundaries on Sunday by giving my mother a ride to the grocery store. I told myself that since I was alone and her apartment was on my way then it couldn't do any harm. I was wrong. I called her very last minute and she quickly agreed to go with me. We stopped at the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my daughter's prescriptions, then I got gas, and then we went to the grocery store. We did our shopping, and I brought her home. It wasn't until later that night that my husband found her shopping bag from the pharmacy in the car. In the haste of getting her groceries out, she had forgotten about the bag from the pharmacy. I called her the next morning to tell her we had found it. She said she wasn't worried about it and could get it anytime BUT..... and this is where I kick myself.... when I bring it over could she also have the rolodex that used to be my grandmother's, that she gave me back in September because she needs some addresses off of it. Um... I put grandma's stuff in bags and boxes and packed it away months ago. I'm not ready to look at it yet. I'm still grieving her loss. I was home for 2 extra days this week and I still didn't look for it. This is not the first time that she has asked for things back that were my grandmother's. If she didn't want me to have them, then why did she give them to me in the first place?? Because she didn't want the clutter probably. So now I have to dig through my piles when I have time and find this for her. I should learn not to do favors for her because there is always a price.

AND in the NOT LIVE AND LET LIVE DEPARTMENT-
Yeah, we are supposed to Live and Let Live, but I failed at that on Sunday. After I brought my mom home on Sunday, I came home with the groceries. My husband and daughter were just returning from a long walk. As I was bringing in the grocery bags I heard gun shots, and told my husband. He said "Well the neighbors had company and they were shooting with a rifle off the deck as we walked by"... UM??? A man was holding a rifle, aimed in your general direction, and you walked by???  I made him call the cops. The cops came, the visitors admitted to the crime,  and the cops took the rifle away. I'm not sure what will happen next. Maybe I should have just thanked my HP that my husband and daughter made it home safely and left it at that, but I couldn't. I was too shocked and angry at the whole situation. If I had been walking with them I probably would have raised holy hell, so we're all grateful that I wasn't there. Not smart to start a fight with someone with a gun when you don't have one yourself after all. Anyway, we'll see what happens next.

"I have some glue inside me to fix my broken heart"

My daughter said that this morning. She's going to be late for school tomorrow because of a medical appointment, and she hates being late for school. She's not even 4 years old yet, and she's already figured out that she has the power to fix her own broken heart. It makes me a little sad, but glad at the same time. It's a good lesson for me too. I have to remember that I carry my own glue bottle. Can't count on anyone else to do the repairs for me.

On another front, I was meditating on a problem with my mother. She was hinting strongly that she was having trouble getting rides to the grocery store. I knew I couldn't give her the rides because that was outside of my boundaries. However I was thinking about whether or not I should help her advertise for some help. I wasn't sure if I should assist her with it or not, so I was trying to meditate and wait for an answer. I was waiting for her to ask me for help before I helped her I guess. Well, when I talked to her yesterday she said her problem has been solved. Even though she's still a month shy of her 60th birthday, she's been put on the list to receive "on demand" transportation. This means she can call a bus company and for a small fee ($1-$5) they will drive her to the grocery store, a friend's house, the laundromat, or wherever she needs to go. It's nice to see that things worked out for her without my meddling.  :-)

Trying to do "the right thing" but it's not working

I am trying to do the right thing with my mother, but it's not working. I set boundaries and I hold to them, but she's not living in the same reality as I am. When my grandmother died, she picked a fight with my brother. Now she's coming after me for Thanksgiving.
In the "try to do the right thing" department, I agreed we'd see her for Thanksgiving. My husband, daughter, and I cannot go to my mother's apartment though because of the cigarette smoke and the cat. I've told this to my mother many times. Likewise, I know my mom wouldn't be comfortable in our messy house, and would have difficulty with the stairs leading into the house. So I picked a neutral zone for the Thanksgiving meal. I found a restaurant and made a reservation for us. I told my mom we'd treat because I know it's out of her budget, and we'd give her a ride because she doesn't have a car. This seems like the "right thing" to do.
My mother isn't happy though. She wants to be in control, and she wants to cook us Thanksgiving at her apartment. This is not acceptable though as defined by our boundaries and she keeps pushing. On Friday night there was a message on my answering machine "The weather forecast looks bad. Are you sure you don't want me to cook? I really don't mind". I haven't called her back yet. The "weather forecast" is for a "chance of rain". It's not bad at all. If the weather forecast were for a snowstorm, we would either a)stay home or b)use our 4-wheel drive, pick her up and go. The worst miles of the trip are from our house to hers. Once we get to her house, the roads are easy, all state highways and good town roads etc. It's the 7 miles from our house to civilization that are the hazard. So there is no way to use the weather as an excuse.

I am prepared to let it go. We are doing our best, I am doing my best, to offer neutral ground. She can take it or leave it. I told my husband that if she cancels, I'd still like to go. I know we could cook Thanksgiving at our house for just the 3 of us, but I'm in the mood to go out. After our lunch, we'll stop by my father's house so my daughter can thank the chickens for all the eggs that they've been giving us lately. Sounds like a good plan to me.

I also realize that if Thanksgiving plans blow up, we might not see my mom for Christmas either. Seems strange to think that she'd be local and we wouldn't see her, but I've gotten used to it with my brother.

Deep breath. Let Go, Let God. No expectations. Live and Let Live. Only 3 more days.

Still on pause or whatever but trying...

I'm still feeling uninspired, have a headache, not feeling great. Tonight will be busy. Going to take the kid to the library if she lets me, or go by myself is she doesn't. Husband is going to a meeting at the local town hall for some neighborhood issues so I'll have our daughter to myself for a while. She's been rejecting me lately, blaming me for not letting her go shopping or something. And yet she'll let me read her a story and snuggle with her at night.

Live and Let Live, right? I can't force her to be kind to me. I just have to accept whatever kindness I get. I'm also inwardly battling with my mother. I am still, will always be, angry with how she didn't allow my brother to come to my grandmother's funeral. I'm not sure how to get past that. A part of me wants to have a relationship with her, and a part of me says I'm better off without her. She's so toxic, and I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to take the poison. So I'm drained, again, for another day.

Grateful that a coworker gave me free calendars with pretty pictures of animals. I can share these with my daughter, and if she doesn't want them I can gift them to her preschool teachers.

Grateful for a memory of a minister saying in a sermon once "Find something every day, no matter how small, to look forward to. It might be eating a banana or brushing your teeth, but find it, and hang on to it to get yourself through the day."  I know he was talking to me that day, it was a small congregation. I need to remember those words more often, and cling to them.

Expectations and Letting Go and Letting HP and trust

I know, I've posted on this before but really I just have to keep practicing it all the time. Yesterday my husband had the day off. He promised to clean the living room. It was filled with the kid's toys and his stuff. I've heard this promise before and been disappointed by the results. I tried not to have any expectations. It was his day, and he should be allowed to do what he wanted to do. And I know how overwhelming cleaning can be, especially when it's not your stuff. Still, I had expectations. I had LOW expectations. When he called me around 3pm to say he was tired and asked me to get take-out for dinner, I gently told him that no, I wasn't getting take-out. We'll be eating out enough over the next few days as it is. Then he told me he threw out a certain toy. My first reaction to him was "Oh no! Not THAT!" but then I calmed down, and I said "this is your project, and I trust you." Really, I need to treat him with respect and as an adult. He deserves that. It's hard to let go and let someone else do it, and trust. Let go and Let HP do it. I'm at work, I don't want to micromanage the project, and I'd probably throw some toys out too if I was doing it. I should be glad it's not me doing the cleaning. Really!

When I got home 3 hours later, with our daughter, I was very surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking in the oven. Then I went into the living room and it was clean. I mean really clean. He had vacuumed the floor, and there was space for the 3 of us to sit down, and you could actually walk around the kid's table that was in the middle of the room. It was awesome. I was so happy.

Dinner was very yummy, the living room was clean, we were all relaxed, and my daughter got to play with toys that she hadn't seen in months. It was nice to want to be home.

I had actually thought about going to my mom's apartment. I never called my mom to tell her that, but it was on my mind from 5pm-6pm. I know I'll be busy for the next week with my father-in-law coming to town and other activities so I thought I should go see her and get it off her list or something. I didn't go though. I enjoyed the evening at home. I thought of it as my reward for letting go, letting my higher power be in control, and trusting my loved one.

Practicing Detachment

Detachment is so key to my sanity, and when it comes to my mother I've had a hard time with it. When she moved to Florida it really helped me because I knew there was little I could do. I had to "Let Go and Let HP". I was worried that when she moved back north that I'd get sucked in again, and I know that I have to be very careful with boundaries or I will lose my sanity.

I have been doing quite well in the past 6-7 weeks since my mom came back. On Saturday my daughter and I saw my mother at a local event. In the course of the 2 hours that we visited, my mom mentioned she is probably legally blind in her right eye. She has cataracts and might need surgery. Before Al-Anon I would have been quite upset about this. "My mom is blind? Oh no! She shouldn't be driving that's for sure! Surgery? When? I better be there in case anything goes wrong." That would have been me the old-way. On Saturday though I stayed calm. "Mom I've been saying for years you shouldn't be driving". Of course I've been saying it because of all her DUIs, not because of her vision but I left that part out.

I have a firm boundary here. My mother will not be allowed to babysit my daughter, ever. The most I am going to let her watch my kid is any situation where I'd be okay leaving my daughter alone, or for very brief periods of time. I need to use the portapotty at the event, my mom can watch my daughter for the 2 minutes it takes me to go pee, but I'm going to pee fast! so later when my mom mentioned that my brother's ex-wife might let her babysit my nephew I did not panic. I did not feel guilt. I did not feel like "Oh Marie trusts my mom with her kid, I should trust her too." No way. I did not let this get to me. I am making a decision, with my husband's support, that is best for my family. Marie and my brother can do as they please.

There were other comments said during our visit too, but I kept my focus on myself and my daughter. I was determined to enjoy a beautiful summer day and I did not let my mother, my husband, or anyone else distract me from that. My daughter and I had a great day. Before Al-Anon it might not have worked out that way, but by practicing "Detachment" and "Live and Let Live" we had a wonderful visit.