Mom passed away

I almost had trouble finding this blog this morning. I always think of it as "Waiting For the Other Shoe to Fall" which I think is what the URL is.  "Tari's Steps".....

I created "Tari" because Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous and how do you write anonymously? Eventually I stopped trying to switch back and forth and owned this blog as myself, Rebecca.

Anyway... things got worse for mom after she got into the new apartment in 2017. She didn't get the services she needed and when she did get services she often pushed them away. As her health declined her weight went down and she ended up dirty because she was too weak to stand in the shower. She couldn't get laundry done and her mind was going.

Eventually VITAS, a hospice agency, stepped in and got her to a nursing home for the last few weeks of her life. She didn't want to go. Even when she could no longer walk she was trying to escape.  It was a sad situation.

I managed to get to Florida before she died and I spent the last few days at her bedside, and the nights crying alone in my hotel room. She knew I was there in the end and I made sure she was comfortable.

She didn't die in a horrific DUI accident. She didn't die from an accidental drug overdose. She didn't die in any of the crazy ways I thought she might.  She died scared and confused, and in pain. Except I let them give her drugs to take away all that so when she went she was at peace.

Cause of death was anorexia and end-stage COPD. It wasn't the drinking that killed her. It was the smoking and not eating. I've never seen a person as thin as she was. I guess hospice people see it all the time. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

I forgave her when she said she was sorry for the choices she had made. I hope that gave her peace. I'll have to keep reminding myself of the Serenity Prayer and remind myself I did the best I could for her. She wasn't easy.

Of course I'll continue to carry the message of Al-Anon in other parts of my life as well.

For the purposes of this blog though.. the shoe has fallen. I need to gather up the last of her things in Florida, decide what to keep and what to let go, and then I need to go back north and reunite mom with her parents.

Thank you all for your years of readership. May you never walk in my shoes. Feel free to leave a comment or send an email or whatever you like. I won't take the blog down but I guess this is goodbye.

May you all find peace.

Rebecca

close call

My last post was almost six months ago here. It's funny how time slips by but really it's true I haven't had much to say. We didn't visit my mother this summer, or my father-in-law in another state. We stayed with ourselves doing things for just the three of us. It was easier that way.

Recently my mom had a health issue that was worse than originally thought. The end result was a surgery which was scheduled for this past Monday. I offered to visit repeatedly and she said no, don't come. I respected that and stayed in my corner of the world. The day before the surgery it dawned on her how serious this might be. She still didn't want me nearby though so we stayed in touch by phone. I got the hospital numbers and the number for the doctor and on Monday I made calls and held my breath. The surgery went long and recovery went long. She made it to ICU though and then stayed there extra long. She's out of ICU now and still in the hospital. She wants to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will happen. In the hospital they've discovered other things that maybe hadn't been noticed before. I'm not sure what will be decided. All I can do is call and listen to the nurses and listen to her and wait.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It feels like we came very close this week. My suitcase has been sitting nearby. I've got it half packed. I've got my credit card and AAA card and all of that. My husband and daughter know that on a dime I may have to leave town. Just waiting for that call.

And then instead last night a friend of mine who lives less than 2 hours from my mom... she came home and found her husband passed away. I'm just shocked. It's not fair. There was no warning.

I've been waiting for years, and especially this week, but instead this. There is no justice and even though the two events are not connected to each other at all I feel it. Not rational I know but real to me. So shocked and unfair.

Other things are going on too. Things I have more control over and I'm just on edge waiting for some kind of release. I hope when my mom gets home I can cry. I need to release that but honestly I'm not sure if she'll go home. I won't know until they tell me what's next.

Just taking it one day at a time and riding this roller coaster ride whether I want to or not. I'm trying to be detached but I'm failing. I'm pulled in because I still love her and I know this is serious stuff.

I am trying, trying, trying to Let Go and Let God. It's all I can do.

My neighbor died

My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.

I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.

During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.

Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.

Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.

our lives go on

Sorry for not posting in a while. Predictably my urge to post here has decreased since my mother moved back to Florida. It is easier to cope with an addict when you have more distance between you.

She fell and broke her arm. She fell because she was so frail that when she stood up she just blacked out or something. At least that's what she told me. Now she has a health aide coming to her apartment twice/week to check her blood pressure to make sure it isn't too low. It is also going to take her a long time to heal her arm. She can'd drive her scooter thing of course as a result so she's rather homebound I guess. I gather that she is quite thin, probably about 100 pounds or 105 pounds. (In contrast I'm having trouble staying under the 200 pound mark.). For a woman of her height the weight is too low, and if her blood pressure is too low too then that is all just not so good.

Still things could be worse. About ten days ago we were informed that the mother of one of my daughter's classmates had cancer and was terminal. I asked if she would be gone before June and I was told much sooner than that. Still I wasn't quite prepared for it to happen as fast as it did. By the time school started on Friday morning she was already gone. She left behind a kindergartener and a preschooler, as well as a niece and nephew who shared her home.. all kids in my daughter's school. So sad for our small town to see such a loss. She had a great support network and was well known and loved. Her husband, children, sister, and so forth will not be grieving alone. Cancer is a terrible disease.

I saw the sign from the American Red Cross to give blood and get a free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Remembering how long it had taken me the last time I went I called ahead and made an appointment to give. I did it on a Friday afternoon and felt shaky for a long, long time afterward. Still I will do it again in March I think when I am eligible again. It's a small way to help others and God only knows if/when it will be my turn to ask for help some day.

I think I can set my calendar now

It seems from looking at this blog that every month around the 24th or 25th my mother and I have an argument. Not necessarily a real argument but she goes off on me and I end up wanting to cry, trying to detach, and asking myself if I have to continue this relationship with her.

On October 24th  my grandmother was being buried. My mom was on the edges then, complaining about me not spending enough time with her. When she realized she'd been outranked by my father's family she backed off.  After the burial my mother went to the cemetery to visit her parents' grave (same cemetery as my fathers' parents) and then she made some crack to me on the phone about how my father's family hadn't put enough flowers on my grandmother's grave. I was speechless at her lack of tact, but I didn't feel guilty because I knew that I had put flowers there even if no one else did. I guess this was her way at striking back at me for not spending time with her.

Then we had my father's birthday and Halloween. Well really, my father's birthday was November 1st, and she couldn't wait. She called me during the day yesterday and left a message. It angered me. I called her back and left a short but simple message that was direct and detached. Today she called again with 2 more messages, plus she managed to run into my father during the day and tried to get him on her side as well. Much to my amusement I heard about the encounter from my father's point of view and was glad to hear he had supported me (even though he didn't know about last night's game of message tag).

SO here we are again. The Holidays are coming. My husband and I have agreed on boundaries for Thanksgiving (we will not have her in our house, and we will not visit hers, we can meet in a public place). My mother is trying to change that, but I have my husband's support and I am strong.

Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in that window of 24th-25th when she seems to come after me. Should make for another eventful holiday season if I don't figure out something out soon.

trying to do my part

The service was on Saturday. We had to wait for out of town relatives, some in their 70s. I took Friday off to spend with family and I was glad I did. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not return to my uncle's house and I felt odd about it. I think it was just a gathering for the others though. A time for the brothers and wives to gather and remember in the aftermath.

When my maternal grandmother passed away last year I was there for my mother. I spent most of a week with her, visiting the funeral home, helping with arrangements, etc. This time it's different. My father doesn't need me as much and I feel a little lost. I am trying to let go though. I am trying to listen and be available and yet not get in the way. It's a struggle, but I am trying.

It's a good lesson Let Go and Let God, and that's what I am trying to do today.

and she's gone

I got to see her one last time. On Friday she was moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. My father was there for her all day in the hospital, and then there at the nursing home to help her settle back in. On Saturday the hospice came, and the doctor, and my dad of course. On Sunday I was finally permitted to come and sit for a bit. I didn't stay too long. My father told me to keep it short and sweet and so I did.

This morning I got the call from him that she had gone during the night. He had gone home in the evening to do laundry, to eat, to do normal things like sleep.

It's funny this thing. I didn't think this one would be so hard. I bought new black boots. My husband got a haircut. We canceled our vacation plans. And now we sit and wait for the date because relatives must arrive from out of town.

saying goodbye

Tonight I have to go to the hospital and try to say goodbye to my last remaining grandparent. My paternal grandmother is going. I saw her the other night and I thought she was going to be okay, but last night she took a turn for the worst. My father is trying to gather the family around- his 3 brothers are all out of state- and invite any who want to to come when they can. I'm not sure how long she has, only she knows that I guess.

She doesn't have cancer. She beat that already. She's just tired and old I guess. I thought she'd go next summer honestly, but I guess she's decided to go sooner. I'm not really ready for this, and I don't think my father is either. I need to be there for him though so I am doing what I can, which probably won't be enough.

I'm not as close to her as I was to my maternal grandmother, but my dad has taken care of her for most of his adult life in some form or another. He took care of his father too. My grandmother has been in nursing care for many years due to mental health problems, but he has been there advocating for her care. He brings her the candy she likes, the slippers she needs, the news she wants to hear. He has been her best friend I think for so long. I am so sad for him now.

Just a quick post

So the big day of weight loss came and went. I read with sadness about the death of a married 29 year old woman with 2 kids who died. Once again she is/was a friend of an acquaintance. I did not know her personally, but reading her Facebook page I can tell that the death came suddenly and my suspicion is that it was a suicide or accidental overdose. Meanwhile memorial services were held today for the other woman who died. One of the services was right outside my window at work, in the courtyard garden. I watched but did not participate.

Next week will be the anniversary of my grandmother passing away. It's hard to believe that it's been a year already.

My husband and I are struggling to find... something that we've misplaced between us. I don't want to post about that. I feel like I've got a lot of negative inside me and it's my stuff and I need to work on it, but then at the same time I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just get through my daily life. Really I'd like to withdraw from the world and have a good cry, a long drive maybe, or a long walk or something... it's not going to happen though. I need to be here. Now.

Lunch is over. My paperwork awaits me.

Image by LEMBOT via Flickr

I'm back, and discovered "Prayer Girl" and more

I just discovered Prayer Girl's blog, and she quoted something I had just read in one of my Al-Anon books. She said :
"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to
avoid reacting to what other people say and do."
(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" , Sept. 15, p. 259)

This is perfect for me right now. I had to practice this last week with my family. As I said in my last post, my maternal grandmother passed away and I knew I'd be putting my Al-Anon tools to the test. I don't want to give you all an hour-by-hour rundown of my last week, but I will give you a highlight that I haven't shared with many.

My mother is still actively drinking, I'm pretty sure. My brother has his addictions too, not sure what they are, but I'm pretty sure they are there. So... the funeral was set for Friday. My brother and I were both to be pallbearers.

I worked on Tuesday, and spent all day on Wednesday with my mother. On Thursday I still hadn't purchased shoes so I told my mom I'd be over to her house as soon as I found some. I have big feet so this isn't an easy task. One saleslady told me I was a "specialty size" and she wasn't very nice about it. Anyway, it took a while, and traffic wasn't on my side. I finally got to my mom's apartment around 2pm. I left her at 4pm, to go get my daughter from preschool and my husband at work since we only have one car.

My mother told me that she wanted my brother at her house at 5pm on Thursday, not because she needed him there, but because she was afraid if he didn't show up that he would blow off the funeral on Friday morning. Sometime between 4pm and 6pm, my mother and my brother had a big fight. When I got home at 6pm, with my daughter and my husband, there was a message on my answering machine full of 4-letter words that I did not want my 3-year old to hear. I took the phone outside and called my mother back, and calmly told her that while it was okay to talk to me like that in private, it was not okay to leave that kind of message on the machine. She was already on fire, and didn't like the fact that I wasn't responding to the actual message itself. She told me that if my brother showed up at the funeral she would kill him. Then she said she just wouldn't go to the funeral herself, it would be better that way somehow. I stayed calm. I didn't call her back. I asked my husband for some guidance and he said "Let it sit. It's between the two of them." Of course he was right. So I didn't react. We made dinner, and did our stuff, and I waited for the phone to ring. It didn't. We stayed calm.

The next morning the three of us headed out for the funeral. We passed my mother's apartment on the way and knew she hadn't left yet. I wondered if she was coming, but I didn't stop to ask. We needed coffee and breakfast and I knew there would be a line at the Dunkin drive-thru when we got there. So we went on. We got to the funeral home before my mother did, but she did show up. My brother did not. People asked where he was, and I explained that my mother had fueled the fire and it was between them. Myself and 3 of my cousins carried the casket with the help of 2 men from the funeral home. I sat next to my mom during the funeral, but we didn't hold hands. We did what we needed to do. At the reception afterward, I visited with my relatives, and talked to my dad. My mother made the rounds too.

When I got home later in the afternoon I called my brother's father to see if he had heard anything, and he hadn't. I let him know that I was not mad at my brother for being absent, and I explained what I thought had happened. On Monday I sent my brother a note, and we had a few messages back and forth. I told him that I loved him always, and knew that he was just avoiding our toxic mother. I also told him that if he had shown up, he would not have been dragged away by the police or hurt one bit by our mother. I had his back, and so did everyone else. We are all familiar with my mother and her moods. He would not have had to deal with her alone.

I am sad my brother missed the funeral, and I do blame my mother for that. However, it's done and I have to let it go. I am proud of myself for defending him, and letting it be known that it wasn't him being irresponsible that caused his absence, but rather my mother's desire to try to control her 29 year old son who did not want to be controlled. I hope I used my tools well, and did the right thing. If not, I just have to let it go. It's done.

Rest in Peace Grandma. May Faith always be with me.

Rest in peace Grandma

My maternal grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My mother was the last family member to see her alive, and I was the first relative to get the news of the passing. My mom had left the nursing home just a couple of hours before my grandmother passed, and I arrived just a few minutes too late. It's going to be a difficult week.

My mother is really hard to be around for my husband and I, and of course she will be in the center of attention this week. It's going to be very hard for me dealing with her. The funeral isn't until Friday. I've made it through today (Tuesday) at work, but I've decided to take the rest of the week off to spend with my mother, and some time for myself. Friday will be long I'm sure.

My husband has been really great both in supporting me, and in keeping me grounded. This morning I was letting our daughter get away with too much, and he waited until she was at preschool before he reminded me of my parenting duties. I was cutting the kid way too much slack, and undermining his attempts at reigning her in. He was right, and I know it. He has also been there to listen, to hug, and to take the kid away from me so I could cry in peace. He's a good man, and I know that I have been blessed to have him in my life. He is proof to me that God listens, and grants miracles.


Don't expect any more posts this week as I grieve, but know that I will be putting all my Al-Anon resources to the test. I loved my grandmother a great deal, and was very close to her. Amen.

They say that death comes in threes. I've been informed that one of my mother's first-cousins is very ill, and not expected to last the week. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall now, and wondering who the third one will be. Sad, but true.

Step One- Admitted we were powerless....

"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

This seems like a good place to start for today. Many times when I think about this step, I stop at the comma. "I admitted I was powerless." Sometimes being powerless can be very freeing. I was wishing I was powerless yesterday. I told my husband "I wish I wasn't a grown-up. Being responsible, having opinions, and having to watch all this stuff happen is just so painful!" I am in a hard spot now with my family, I am powerless and I hate it. Seventeen years ago, I was powerless and I was good with it. The family gave me Responsibility though, and now I have Guilt.

I was 21 when my maternal grandfather died, and I was chosen to spend a week at their house, keeping an eye on my grandmother. They'd been married for 50 years. Not surprisingly, my grandmother didn't open up to me. I would wake in the middle of the night and find her playing solitaire at the kitchen table, just like always, and she was talking to my grandfather, just like always. I've always felt that I botched that week. She didn't reach out to me, no surprise, and she grieved my grandfather dearly. Now it's her turn soon. The nurse at the nursing home told me "She's fading." She's not in pain, and she's not sick, but she's slowing down. Sometime she'll fall asleep and that will be it I think.

What does this have to do with alcoholics? Because they are my maternal grandparents, that's what. I have to deal with my mom a lot right now, and she's just as toxic as ever. After a brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday, I went to my mother's house. My aunt and uncle were there (uncle is my mom's brother), and my brother was there with his youngest son. I'd never met the son before, and he just turned a year old. I was happy to meet him, but a quick look around the apartment told me very quickly that my mom and my brother have different ideas of parenting than I do. Anyway, my mom and my uncle were going through my grandmother's jewelry box, and I didn't think that was right. The box is personal, and she's still alive. Leave it alone!

I'm powerless. I'm just the grandchild. I have no say in this. It is their mother, not mine. Shut up, and be quiet and let it go.

I didn't stay long. My daughter was taking a nap in the car, and my husband was out there with her, with the engine running. I dropped some things off for the baby and left as quickly as possible, but not without feeling some pain.

The next day I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her I'd like her to keep the jewelry box as in tact as possible, and if she wanted, I'd pay her for it. I just want to keep it sacred, but I didn't tell her that. Then she switched the conversation to my brother. She asked me if I thought the baby was fat, and then she told me my brother had served time in jail. I'd never heard of him being in jail, in fact as far as I know he's in the National Guard Reserves, so I'd be quite surprised if he'd done jail time. I pressed her for details- when? what jail? for how long? how many times? She faded. I knew then she was lying. Same old, same old with her. I just can't trust her to tell me the truth. I am so powerless.

And then the last part, can't forget that...l "my life had become unmanageable". Indeed, my life feels very unmanageable when I'm around her, and I spent hours crying yesterday. Hours.

This is a hard time in my life. A week ago I was feeling up, but this week I'm down. I am turning to my HP, and even considered trying to go to church (but I don't think the stress it would bring to my marriage is worth it). I am praying though, and meditating, and focusing on the tools of Al-Anon. I am constantly reminded that whether I like it or not, my mother is still sick in so many ways, and I am still an adult child of an alcoholic.