Politics- a lesson on the 3 Cs & more

Cause, cure, control.... I didn't cause it. I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Sure I can write to the politicians. I can share my opinions with anyone who will listen. I can educate myself. I can vote, but if I get out-voted then it becomes mute I guess.

What am I talking about? Politics of course. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world today, and I do not want to debate anybody here about any of it. However, I am trying really hard right now to find my serenity again. I am trying to apply my Al-Anon to this part of my life, and I will say it is hard. I am very frustrated. I do not like what is happening in our country, and around the world, and I feel helpless. I want things done MY way. I don't understand why everyone else doesn't want it done my way too. I feel judgmental at times toward people who have different views and I have to remind myself to remain tolerant and allow my friends the freedom to express their own views, just as they hopefully let me express my views. To be open-minded I think means to be tolerant of others and not to shut everyone out who disagrees with you. I am doing a decent job of that but it is not easy.

The elections were one thing. I knew I'd be outvoted. I always am because I am part of a minority in this country that wants a 3rd choice. We're past the elections though, and there is still so much going on. Some good, some not so good, and I am powerless over all of it.

I really need to let things go, and be part of the ignorant masses that our society seems to be so full of, but I do not really know how to do that. I am not very good at apathy. I care too much.

Ugh.

Be well my friends. Let Go, Let God... if only it were that easy. I need to focus on myself. I need to practice detachment. I just can't. I am feeling too much fear.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry I haven't been on here much. Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. I've been working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), taking photographs of my beautiful neighborhood in Western Massachusetts, and just generally trying to keep up with my daily life in so many places. I actually write four blogs, and it's not uncommon for me to fall behind on one or more of them. Since my mother moved to Florida, and I am not often in "crisis mode" with my Al-Anon, it is easier to let this one slide. That's not to say I'm not practicing the gifts that Al-Anon has given me though.

Yesterday I had an hour to myself unexpectedly. There wasn't time to work on the novel, but there was time to call my mother or take some photos at the state beach. I chose the photos. I chose serenity. During the holidays it is important to me to Keep It Simple Stupid, to remember to THINK (thoughtful, helpful, informative, Nice/Necessary, Kind), and to practice the serenity prayer.

Really that serenity prayer is harder than it looks. Take it apart line by line, and sometimes it's really hard to know it. "God grant me the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes I don't feel I have that wisdom, but I keep trying.

I have friends, neighbors, family, and possibly coworkers with cancer right now. It seems like it is all around me. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I know this. I can't control it either. I've learned those 3 C's well. However, I can help maybe. I can organize a card drive, I can make a donation, I can spread awareness through my Facebook page. I am doing what I can.

I am grateful for my family, my job, and my serenity. I am grateful for Al-Anon in keeping me alive when I did not think I would make it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just another Sunday afternoon

I was sitting in the kitchen, writing out the checks to pay the bills. My daughter was in the living room playing with her Barbies while my husband sat nearby surfing the web. I had just written out the check for preschool. It's THAT check in our budget that we cringe every time it comes around. It's bigger than our mortgage and we are counting down the months we have left on it.

Anyway, I had just written out that 4-figure check when the phone rang. We got rid of caller-id last year to save a few dollars so I always end up answering the phone. My mother was on the other end.

She started with a story about how she had gone to visit her safety-deposit box and some of her money was missing. Well she did give me a key to this box, but I have never used it. If I had used it I would have had to sign myself in and out. So she knows that I have never been there. Still the accusation started. When she failed to get me upset she moved on to a story about my brother. My brother is 30 years old now. He is deeply in debt with child support payments to four children. So he needs money. He had asked her for $100.00, then he cut it down to $50.00 a few days later. Would I help him out since she was running short? No, I would not. He is old enough to pay his own bills. Then she went back to her own story. She might not have enough money to move since she is coming up short on her savings. Um.... if my brother is old enough to pay his own bills at the age of 30, and she is 60 years old....   Yeah, she didn't get a nickel out of me. I politely told her I had bills of my own. I let her ramble and rant, but I didn't raise my voice.

When she had run out of steam and hot air, she hung up. Simple. So Simple. So glad I had my serenity in that moment. Thank you HP for helping me with my boundaries in that moment!

Happy Holidays!

I'm still out here in cyberspace. I've been busy with a weight loss blog, and I have been doing okay with that FOG stuff and boundaries with my mother. Haven't figured out how to apply the FOG to my marriage. Not that my husband is blackmailing me or anything- he's not. I just know that I act out of feelings of FOG sometimes. We probably both do, and you can see it with our finances especially. We both want each other to be happy and we overspend as a result.

Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!


Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow.  :-)


Happy Holidays!

Image via Wikipedia

the last post about this I think

I know I've posted a lot about the home improvement project, and you're all probably a bit sick of it. This project has been in the planning stages for a long time and it is so wonderful that it is finally happening, and now nearly complete.

Image by Eyes4guys via Flickr

We came home Saturday and the weekend was rough. Things did not go smoothly Saturday morning and we had to call a friend for help. On Sunday we realized that the old toilet was leaking and a new one had to be purchased at the orange store and installed. Luckily we got a great deal on it.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Anyway, things are functional again. There is still cleanup work to be done, but we are home and are settling in. 8 days in a hotel has taken its toll on all of us. It wasn't really a vacation and my husband and I are both pretty tired and fried. Serenity has been hard to find.

I did manage to get out Saturday with our daughter and listen to some good music and see my dad. That was fun! I don't have much real fun in my life, and I was glad I made the drive and did it.

Back in the "real world" I need to buckle down. I've been catching up on reading some blogs although I haven't commented much. Sorry folks. I'm not as good as Syd is about that stuff, but I am out here and I am reading. I am trying to get back to normal, whatever normal is. Easy does it.

This was home for the weekend

I'm glad to be back now. We survived a weekend as tourists in Vermont, among the many New Yorkers who were there. Daughter was homesick after only a day or two, but we stuck it out for 3 nights anyway. I did take the time to do some reading and writing while I was away, and I wish I could tell you my favorite thing, but I'm not sure what it was. Maybe the serenity when I could find it. It was nice to live simply and not have big worries for a few days.

I'm back I guess

Well I did manage to post a few times last week, and then this week I've been rather quiet. I'm trying to THINK POSITIVE and sometimes that is hard so I've been reading, but keeping my mouth shut. Learning to keep my mouth shut is something that I've gone back and forth on over the years. Sometimes I don't speak up when I should, and other times I keep yabbering when I shouldn't. So I've been quiet this week on the blog.

My daughter and I survived the week without my husband, although there were a couple of days when I was pretty late for work. Her tantrums seemed to escalate as the week went on. Instead of getting used to her father being gone, she got more difficult to deal with. Of course I was getting more tired as the week went on as well, but such is motherhood. When my husband came home our daughter stuck to him like glue for a day or two, but now we are finally starting to return to normal.

A week away has taught my husband that "normal" in our house isn't really "acceptable" and I'm kind of glad for that. I feel like for too long our daughter has gotten away with unacceptable behavior. Now just to clarify, we are talking about a preschooler so I'm not talking about drug use or anything. I'm just talking about the whining and lazy behavior that we have tolerated for far too long. I have heard too many times words that grate my nerves "What do I have to do to get you stop crying?? Just tell me and I'll do it!" from my husband. This attitude has gotten us in a bad relationship with our daughter. So now he has been away, and is back, I am hopeful that some of this is finally going to change. I am tired of being the "bad guy" but I'm not afraid to do it. I'm not afraid to compromise either, and I certainly don't claim I have all the answers, but I'm glad to see improvement on his end.

So here we are. Things for both of us are rough at our jobs. Stressed out and tired parents greeting a tired and cranky preschooler at the end of the day... not happy times. I'm hoping to alleviate some of this for all of us by putting some getaway vacations on the calendar for the summer. Money is not plentiful though, so it looks like we'll be camping in a tent rather than living it up in nice hotels. Camping is work too. I hope we can still manage to find some peace. And hopefully by having those getaways on the calendar to look forward to we will all feel better.

What does any of this have to do with Al-Anon? Hmm... priorities, Keeping it Simple, One Day at a time, THINK POSITIVE, Serenity... I don't know. I'm just trying to do the best that I can one hour at a time.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

-------------------------

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows:)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.
-------------------------------

http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html

Water

This is my first attempt at adding some random photos to this blog. A kayak and a canoe out in the water. Their voices could be heard from the shore, friendly greetings in the evening light.

Coming soon-- photography

Thanks to digital cameras everyone lately seems to feel like they are a photographer. I got a new digital camera for Christmas, and it is finally one that it is in my comfort zone. Slowly I am learning how to use it, and slowly I am remembering to slip it in my pocket for every day things. As a result, I have some photos of the lake, of nature, of things that aren't my daughter, and things that are.

Soon I will post some of the nature and lake ones here. My bit to contribute to the serenity of my fellow readers and bloggers. I am not a photographer, I am a writer. I will claim that. Even when I cannot write every day as I know all GOOD writers must, I still claim it.

My love of the lake, my love of water, comes from my alcoholic mother. My mother who spends too much time in the sun, and doesn't use sunblock, and tans to colors likely to induce skin cancer.. she gave me the gift of loving the beach and of loving the water. I'm a terrible swimmer, and have a lifelong phobia of diving, but I love being in the water anyway. I am passing that love on to my daughter. For the past several days we have made trips to the 2 beaches that we can walk to. It's too cold for swimming, but we bring the sand toys and play. Yesterday we made a sand castle at the "little beach"; on the weekend we visited the "big beach". As spring continues it's quest for summer, I am enjoying these times of serenity with her. I know these years will pass by quickly, and I want to hold on to them for as long as I can.

The child's birthday is over, Easter is passed us, and taxes have finally been completed (whew!). We have some more big events coming our way in May; but for today, for tomorrow, and as long as the rain stays away, I am enjoying the outdoors and being a working mother as much as I can.

Serenity

I am guessing that a lot of us have the "Serenity Prayer" posted somewhere where we can see it often. This morning I took extra time to read from my books before I left for work. This meant not packing my lunch because I didn't have quite enough time. It's been a rough week, and I didn't want to wait until lunch time or break time to do my reading. This week I am feeling like lots of little pellets or stones are being thrown at me. Nothing big, just the small stuff. "Don't sweat the small stuff". I know. I am trying to approach today the same way I approach the first 6.3 miles of my commute. From our house there are several directions we can take, but the one we take most often involves a 6.3 mile journey to a state road. (I actually checked it last night to get the mileage right). Those miles can seem to take a long time, especially if the weather is bad. The speed limits vary from 15 mph to 35 mph. So I mentally break the trip up into easier pieces. First we get to the mailbox, then we get to the beach. Those sections are easiest. I can even walk that far. Then we go a little more, to the small store. Next stop is the church, and finally the hard part right (which looks easy but is often icy) before we get to the state road.
Today I am going to take the same approach. I'm doing some desk work now, and in a minute I'll do some work upstairs. Then I'll go to a department meeting. And so the day will go. One piece at a time. If I take it in pieces it won't seem so bad. I know this. I can get through the next 10 minutes. And then I can get through the next half hour. Etc. I'd like to bring some music with me upstairs, but I probably won't this time. Maybe later. Today I just want the serenity to focus on the tasks at hand.

Let Go and Let HP and "Courage to change the things I can" often go hand-in-hand

I often find that having the "courage to change the things I can" and "Let Go and Let God/HP" go together. I prefer the "Let go and Let HP" motto over the serenity prayer sometimes because I really have to practice at the Letting Go part. I want to be in control, I really do!

This past week has been an example of these two things in action, and it has nothing to do with my mother. As further proof that the 12 steps are not just about the addicts and alcoholics in my life, but about living MY life for me I offer this example:

I work for the state. I was hired in 2005 to my current job. In 2006, after my maternity leave, I gradually began to take on greater responsibility and do more complex duties. Last year my supervisors finally decided to officially acknowledge this and tried to get my job reclassified to a higher level. Unfortunately they failed. There were others that the supervisors were lobbying to upgrade as well, and none got approved.

So now the ball is in my court. I decided that I had the "Courage to change the things I can" and I filled out the forms to try to get reclassified myself. With my supervisors support, I gathered evidence to support my case, and I scheduled an interview with the powers to be to state my case. That's the "Courage..." part.

Today I had my interview, and did my best to succeed. Yesterday I even got my hair cut and bought some new clothes and shoes to bolster my confidence. I did everything I could think of to prepare beforehand, and really studied, and then I did everything I could during the interview to do well.

Now it's time to "Let Go and Let HP". I've done my part. The administrators will gather more information from my supervisors' director, and other sources. They will prepare a report and give me a chance to review it. Right now I have to wait. Right now there is nothing I can do. Right now I have to Let Go, and I don't know how long it will take. It might be a month before the next step of action is required on my part. Letting Go is hard work, but it's what I have to do. "Grant me serenity" while I'm letting go.

and peace too.

I know this isn't my fault

My mom called yesterday. The usual message "I know you're working right now, so just call me back whenever you like..." translate to "Why haven't you called me lately? I'm your mother after all..." So we had an early supper, and I called her back while my husband was watching the kid. I mentioned that I'd seen her on her bicycle the day before and she kind of twisted it around a bit. She was riding toward her house when I saw her, but she claims she was leaving her house. Why can't she be honest about a little thing like that? I know where she lives, I know where I saw her. She was going toward her house, not away from it. Grr... the conversation continued. She is going to the eye doctor today. She never goes to the eye doctor, probably because her health care in Florida didn't cover it. She tried to go to the dentist. She only went to the dentist once while she was in Florida. Once in 8 years. Yeah, what do you think happened when she went up here? Well they are concerned about her being on Plavix and aren't sure if they can treat her. Plus she's allergic to pennicillin so they are nervous about that too. I think she needs a different dentist. She is hoping for new teeth. I don't think she'll get them. She's always had gum disease and you can't have dentures if your gums are bad. She's got an appointment next week for something else, maybe a pinched nerve. She's bored, doesn't have any friends, isn't volunteering anywhere, and is locked into this apartment for a year I guess. I knew this was a mistake. She's too far away from things to get to them easily, and she'll only drive my uncle's truck for medical appointments and to see my grandmother. So she says. I'm sure she's "combining trips" and doing her grocery shopping and other stuff along the way. We should all be grateful though. The less this woman is on the road, the better. She really shouldn't be driving.
We spent 20 minutes while she went on about all this stuff, and how rotten my brother is because she bought all the stuff for Mexican Pizzas and then he didn't show up and blah blah blah. I refused to commit to plans for the weekend, again. I know there is stuff going on, and I do have plans for myself, but I didn't tell her. I just said "We are going to wait and see because the kid needs to go to the doctor on Friday..."

I read "I'm just F.I.N.E." blog today, and I looked at the Al-Anon website. I'm glad for Syd. Happy anniversary! I didn't find much on Al-Anon site that I was looking for. I might have to dig a little deeper on the recovery websites, or maybe even go to a meeting sometime. I know no one is reading this now, maybe later, except maybe Arlene. I am going to try to keep this ad-free for now. My other blogs have ads on them, but somehow I don't think they belong here. Still need to do some work to make this blog better.

Give me strength, give me peace, give me serenity today and every day.

It's time!

My mother has just moved back to Massachusetts about 6 weeks ago, after living in Florida for 8 years. I saw her yesterday riding her bicycle, without a helmet, looking scared. I didn't stop. I didn't turn around, and I didn't call her later. It's her choice to ride that bicycle, and I have to remember that. She's got a scooter or a moped thing, and she's got a borrowed truck from her brother. She could drive if she choose. Riding the bike was her idea. Grant me the serenity.....

So here we are. Ready to start a new blog about this journey of a new chapter in my relationship with my mother.