My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A chance to make amends
Today I had the chance to make amends to someone I felt I had harmed as a child. For over 25 years I have carried the guilt around with me that I had not helped someone when I should have. I felt responsible for my mother's actions. I know that honestly it wasn't my fault that my mother abused this child, who is now a woman, but I carried the guilt with me. Therapy could never really erase the guilt. It has simply been part of my baggage tucked away in the closet somewhere.
Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!
Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Calling all Adult Children of Alcoholics! Help me here please!
I feel like I'm really done. I mean it. I'm tired of empty threats from the alcoholic parent. I'm tired of empty threats from myself. I want to be DONE with the drama. She's been bothering me for weeks. I keep stepping back, hoping she's calmed down, and then I pick up the phone and try to reach out to her only to have her go nuts again. She's not that far away right now, less than 20 miles, but I haven't seen her in a while. So at the beginning of the week she left some crazy messages on the answering machine. I waited until tonight to call her back because I didn't want to feed into the insanity. She started right up though. 20 minutes later she's in tears slamming down the phone for the 3rd time and I'm angry that I got sucked into another fight that I wasn't looking for. I want this to END. I know my daughter deserves to have grandparents in her life, but this grandparent doesn't possess the qualities I want her to see. This grandparent is untrustworthy and mean and a huge blackmailer.
So what do I do? How do I make it end? Do I confront her and let her know that I am cutting her off? Do I tell her why (not sure I can explain it anyway, and she's so irrational she won't understand etc)? Or do I just stop returning phone calls and let it "slip away"? My father has been divorced from her since I was less than 2 years old (he says she cheated on him). He says that if I cut her out of my life completely I will regret it later. I don't know. She's been gone from my life before for months at a time (her choice). The difference now is that she is older and not in good health. Well she's never been in good health. That's always been one of her ways of getting at me with her blackmail.. but anyway... I keep asking myself "How much more do I have to take before I am allowed to walk away?" and if I am allowed to choose when to walk away then I want to do it soon and get it done with. There is a CHANCE that she will move away in April or June next year, but it's not a guarantee. So I could wait until then and just let her go but that seems like a long time to wait, especially with the holidays on the horizon.
So if you've got any advice or experience on this, please...!!! I'd love to hear it. I'm exhausted from this roller coaster ride that I've been living on for the last nearly 40 years and I think it's time to get off.
thank you.
So what do I do? How do I make it end? Do I confront her and let her know that I am cutting her off? Do I tell her why (not sure I can explain it anyway, and she's so irrational she won't understand etc)? Or do I just stop returning phone calls and let it "slip away"? My father has been divorced from her since I was less than 2 years old (he says she cheated on him). He says that if I cut her out of my life completely I will regret it later. I don't know. She's been gone from my life before for months at a time (her choice). The difference now is that she is older and not in good health. Well she's never been in good health. That's always been one of her ways of getting at me with her blackmail.. but anyway... I keep asking myself "How much more do I have to take before I am allowed to walk away?" and if I am allowed to choose when to walk away then I want to do it soon and get it done with. There is a CHANCE that she will move away in April or June next year, but it's not a guarantee. So I could wait until then and just let her go but that seems like a long time to wait, especially with the holidays on the horizon.
So if you've got any advice or experience on this, please...!!! I'd love to hear it. I'm exhausted from this roller coaster ride that I've been living on for the last nearly 40 years and I think it's time to get off.
thank you.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Something from the ACOA site
I said something yesterday, quoted it actually, and I'm going to repeat it here:
"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."
http://www.adultchildren.org/
-------------------
Now I've been meditating on this a bit. We are all God's children, or children of the universe, or however we choose to define it. I have heard often the expression "Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad!" But we don't seem to have an equivalent for mothers, do we? I haven't heard it.
So this person who gave birth to me, and who has abused me for nearly 40 years is my biological mother. I have never had a "step-mother", although I've wanted one. She is the only "mother" I've known. However if I remember that we are all "God's children" then maybe that will help me to detach, to let go of that fear of abandonment.
okay, that's it. Just a quick one for now.
"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."
http://www.adultchildren.org/
-------------------
Now I've been meditating on this a bit. We are all God's children, or children of the universe, or however we choose to define it. I have heard often the expression "Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad!" But we don't seem to have an equivalent for mothers, do we? I haven't heard it.
So this person who gave birth to me, and who has abused me for nearly 40 years is my biological mother. I have never had a "step-mother", although I've wanted one. She is the only "mother" I've known. However if I remember that we are all "God's children" then maybe that will help me to detach, to let go of that fear of abandonment.
okay, that's it. Just a quick one for now.
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