If a tree falls down in the forest but no one hears it does it make a sound?

The truth is killing me. Several months ago I had a conversation with a woman in our town that was just unbelievable. The only witnesses were our children. In the conversation the woman told me that she had watched videos on You Tube and learned how to burn down her house and still get out safely. She had this whole thing planned. She and her daughters got some cats so that the cats could burn in the fire. She was timing it for just before Christmas vacation. Her lease was due to expire on December 31st... etc. etc. etc..

I never told a sole about the conversation. Eventually she stopped herself and realized she had spoken out loud. Of course this was months ago. What could I do? I figured she would deny it if I went to the police, and who would really set their own home on fire with 2 little girls inside? This was just crazy talk or something!

Well she did it. I have no documentation. I have no memory of exactly WHEN the conversation took place. However I know the truth. Her plans worked exactly as she predicted. It looked like a holiday accident. The tree was too close to the fireplace. The cats died. The town and the school felt sorry for the family and donated and donated and donated. They opened their wallets and their homes to this family. Now it is school vacation. Who knows where they will be when school opens up January 3rd?

I thought the fire department would recognize the fire as arson when it happened. I thought for sure she would leave some clue, do something wrong, but everyone just took her as a "dumb blonde" and she seems to be getting away with it.

What can I do? I feel so much guilt for not reporting her months ago. For not doing something ahead of time. I hate the fact that I am possibly the only one who knows the truth.

I did finally send anonymous emails to the police, the fire, and the school. I don't know if it's enough though, and it might be too late. This town is too nice and trusting. She knew that. She played this town exactly right.

I think this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life now. She has that kind of power.

Sorry.. I wanted to post a "Happy Holidays!" message but I just had to get this out there.

Will anyone believe me?

So I'm meditating at work again today, and the thoughts are swirling around in my head. Yesterday I impulsively called the doctor's office and was lucky enough to get a late afternoon appointment that same day with a nice nurse practitioner. I told her my age and my symptoms and we both had a hunch of what the diagnosis would be. She ordered some tests. One I was able to do right away, the other will have to wait until next week. She seemed to believe me in the office, and we seemed to be on the same page.
Then today she called me to tell me that the test results from yesterday had come back and didn't show anything. This worries me a bit. If the test results don't confirm my suspicions, then what? Will I be a deemed to be a hypercondriac? Sometimes I think my primary care doctor thinks that of me. I tell her I have arthritis in my knee, but the tests don't show it. I tell her I am high-risk for breast cancer since it runs in my family, but I'm not 40 yet so we don't test for it (I guess the insurance won't pay for it). I hope that yesterday's visit and the lab work don't end up being a waste of time and money. I hope that we can find out what is causing my pain. I worry that it won't.

And this whole line of thinking seems so typical of someone who has been not believed as a child, doesn't it? Isn't it sad that the scars of childhood linger to this day, even as I try to block them out. A "healthy" person would have more faith, more self-confidence, more conviction than I have. Instead I worry about not being believed. I think this is the curse of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

On another note, I saw a website by chance today, for literary agents. The site said not to send unsolicited manuscripts, and that querys should include 3 chapters...etc etc... and credentials. What credentials do I have as a writer? None. That's what. I have none, and I'm not ready for an agent yet anyway, but I wonder if I ever do get the novel done will I be able to get it published?  I have a song written somewhere, stored away, and I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when that gets recorded too. I know it may never be a "hit", although I think that it could be if it found the right recording artist, but I hope it doesn't lay lifeless in a box buried in my closet forever too.

Image by zpeckler via Flickr

winding up the week

Well I said yesterday that the week had been ups and downs and absent my mother. Ah but the powers that be couldn't let that one sit, and a call came from her last night and an urgency of "see me now!! Dammitt!"

So this morning I dutifully waited until 8am and then called her with her wake up call to be ready at 9am. The mission was to go to the bank to get me added to her safety deposit box "in case something happens to me". We had time for a couple of quick errands on the way, and started off pleasantly. This changed in the bank. Quickly tensions between us mounted, and when I was told that I needed to not only sign the form, but also be in possession of one of the two keys, we hit a wall. My mother did not want me to have the key. This I do not quite understand. I refused to sign until she promised me the key. The poor bank lady pretended to ignore the heat building between us, and the form was signed quickly for her sake. Out in the parking lot though words flew. My mother saying the worst of them. She called me "nosy" and more. Her biggest weapons began with "B" and "C". I hate the "C" word. I really do, it just gets under my skin. So finally I just pulled over and offered to let her walk herself home when we were within a reasonable distance. I continued for a while and then pulled over again and called my husband. We went over the situation briefly, and agreed that I'd be home an hour later than promised so that I could go back to my mother for Round 2.
When I entered her apartment she was on the phone with my brother telling him how awful I'd been (to put it mildly) but she quickly hung up. I asked if she was done with her ranting yet, and she wasn't quite, but she settled down quickly. I let her show me her living will, which I had seen 5 years ago and already have memorized. I let her show me life insurance paperwork, which I really don't need. I let her ramble about what furniture she wants to give me next year, what she wants my brother to get, when she'll move to Florida, and where she might go.... I let her do her thing for an hour. This is what she asked for. She just wanted my attention for an hour. I choked and gasped for air, but I was doing that in the car with her anyway, and we finally got through everything she wanted to say for now.
When I left she seemed calm and okay again, and I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her hurling rocks through my windows or causing some other kind of trouble. I'm really not sure what she planned to do if I hadn't turned around and calmed her down. Her threats were so vague.
What it really comes down to, and I have lived with this for so long is... she wants to be #1 in my life, and she's not. She can't be, and she won't be. My husband and my daughter come first, and she knows it, and she's jealous. She called me a rotten and lousy parent.
For my part, even though she's calm, I'm not sure when I'll see her again. I feel like she's been looking for a fight for a while, and she got one. She said some mean words, and she meant them, and I'm not going to heal from that. And yes, I said some words too, and yes I meant them. Anyone who has known me closely knows that she has inflicted pain and abuse into my life that no child or adult should have to endure, and there is no reason to forgive that.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm not saying I'll never talk to her again. I'm just saying I'm not in any hurry. I know I was not at my best, and maybe I didn't use "my program" but then again maybe I did. I stood up for myself. I didn't let her walk all over me. When something was important, I held my ground and didn't cave in just to end the conflict and in the end I think she felt like we had worked things out.

Oh, and then... to make things bittersweet, like they were the other day... I went home to my husband and daughter, and in between "I love yous" and "lets get ready to go to that birthday party" my husband asked what had happened and I tried to answer him. He assured me that I was not a lousy parent and my mother had no reason to call me that. I am grateful for his love. Then my daughter and I went to a birthday party for a classmate of hers, and had a great time. Fun and sun and happy kids, with only a few typical 4-year old tears.

So the day ended on a good note for me, tired and happy child asleep before bedtime. My husband went out, as is his normal routine, and I settled down for a dinner alone and some time to myself.

May my higher power be with me tonight. I could use some goodness and guidance in my dreams.

REAL motivation

This morning I dutifully brought my daughter to school and myself to work. Then I saw the weather forecast for the day and thought "maybe we should have just played hookey for the day. It's too hot for her to be at school with no air conditioning..."

but really, really... I don't want to be at work. That's the truth. There is a remodeling project happening near me, and the construction work has been going on all week. It is really noisy, lots and lots of banging and banging and banging. Really I don't want to be here. And really if I escape, it will probably be the same thing tomorrow so then what? I can't take the whole week off.

So the kid is going to be stuck at school, like always, and I am going to go for a walk at lunch, maybe treat myself with something from the cafeteria instead of eating what I brought with me. Because when I'm honest with myself I realize it has nothing to do with worrying about the kid and the heat (although I do worry). It's just about me and self-pity and that's no good.