Calling all Adult Children of Alcoholics! Help me here please!

I feel like I'm really done. I mean it. I'm tired of empty threats from the alcoholic parent. I'm tired of empty threats from myself. I want to be DONE with the drama. She's been bothering me for weeks. I keep stepping back, hoping she's calmed down, and then I pick up the phone and try to reach out to her only to have her go nuts again. She's not that far away right now, less than 20 miles, but I haven't seen her in a while. So at the beginning of the week she left some crazy messages on the answering machine. I waited until tonight to call her back because I didn't want to feed into the insanity. She started right up though. 20 minutes later she's in tears slamming down the phone for the 3rd time and I'm angry that I got sucked into another fight that I wasn't looking for. I want this to END. I know my daughter deserves to have grandparents in her life, but this grandparent doesn't possess the qualities I want her to see. This grandparent is untrustworthy and mean and a huge blackmailer.
So what do I do? How do I make it end? Do I confront her and let her know that I am cutting her off? Do I tell her why (not sure I can explain it anyway, and she's so irrational she won't understand etc)? Or do I just stop returning phone calls and let it "slip away"? My father has been divorced from her since I was less than 2 years old (he says she cheated on him). He says that if I cut her out of my life completely I will regret it later. I don't know. She's been gone from my life before for months at a time (her choice). The difference now is that she is older and not in good health. Well she's never been in good health. That's always been one of her ways of getting at me with her blackmail.. but anyway... I keep asking myself "How much more do I have to take before I am allowed to walk away?" and if I am allowed to choose when to walk away then I want to do it soon and get it done with. There is a CHANCE that she will move away in April or June next year, but it's not a guarantee. So I could wait until then and just let her go but that seems like a long time to wait, especially with the holidays on the horizon.
So if you've got any advice or experience on this, please...!!! I'd love to hear it. I'm exhausted from this roller coaster ride that I've been living on for the last nearly 40 years and I think it's time to get off.






thank you.

Detach, detach, detach!!!!!

It wasn't enough. Giving my mother what she wanted yesterday only led to her asking for more. Instead of being satisfied with what she got, she called up this morning screaming for another fight. On the phone though it is easier for me to step back. She's not in my house or my car. All I have to do is hang up. So I answered her question politely, and repeated myself several times even though I knew she wasn't listening. Then the kid needed my attention and I excused myself abruptly. A few minutes later I called her back and she refused to answer the call. Later she called again, but this time I was out. She claimed she wasn't home when I called her back, and then she started in again about something else. When the message got too high strung I deleted it without listening to the rest. I don't need this insanity in my life.

After dinner I talked to my husband. I asked him some "what if I do this and she does that..." and a few other things. He told me what I wanted to hear. He told me it was okay to disengage even if it means a loss of material items. Sanity is more important.

I made a quick attempt to reach my mother and got her machine, no surprise. I don't think she really wants to talk to me. I think she just wants to fight. Now she is asking me for something she knows I don't want to give her- time and commitments. I won't go through all the details in the blog here. I can't explain nearly 40 years of history to someone who hasn't known her.

One person who does know her is my father. He was married to her for less than 3 years, but because of me and his own personal goodness of character, he has been around this woman for longer than I have. I am grateful for that. So I called him and talked for a few minutes. He is a great man when it comes to this stuff, much better than anyone else. He sided with my husband and said it was okay to detach and disengage. If my mother does something rash because I refuse to meet her terms, then that's her decision, her life. It's not for me to feel guilty about. He reminded me of the time many years ago when she and I were riding in a car and she just flat out hit me across the head while she was driving. He wasn't there, but I told him about it. I've mostly forgotten about it now, but it wasn't the only time. She likes to hurt people. Putting myself in her physical space is putting myself at risk for abuse of many kinds. I'm not the only one she has hit. My father reminded me of that. We briefly shared memories of witnessing her assaulting her 3rd husband. It's good to remember that it's not me. It's her.

So many things in my program help me here. First of all I have a right to protect myself and my family. Anytime abuse is involved the answer should always be "Get out, get somewhere safe." How often do we go back? Over and over again. Whether it's to a relationship with a man or a woman, or to a parent or a child, we keep going back. I am stupid like that, and it's been proven repeatedly.

Second, I am powerless over this. I am powerless over her. No matter what reaction I give her, she will do what she is determined to do. It doesn't matter if I give her what she wants today, or not. She is on some kind of roll and she's not going to stop until she hits her own personal wall. I don't exist. She is just going to go full speed until she breaks. Or whatever. It doesn't matter whether I say "yes you are right" or whether I say "No, you are completely wrong", she is just going to twist whatever is said to meet her own agenda and then she is going to follow that destructive path that is hers to follow. I cannot stop this. I am powerless over her. No amount of guilt is going to change that.

Third... God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, ACCEPT  THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.... .... and the wisdom to know the difference.

Am I talking in circles yet? The arguments with my mother aren't over yet. I suspect they will escalate until we are not speaking to one another. She will bond with my brother while this is happening, no doubt, because she cannot stand to be on bad terms with both of us at the same time. My father reassured me tonight, my husband reassured me, and will probably have to continue to reassure me daily and often, and I have to turn this over to my higher power. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, or brain damage that's to blame the result is the same.

I wish she was a different person. I wish I could depend on her to be loving and kind. I know that side of her exists. I wish I could count on her as being a grandmother that my daughter could love unconditionally. However I have to accept that she is not going to change. She is 60 years old, and even if she gave up drinking she will never be "sober".

NOW I'm talking in circles. You may see more on this as the week goes on. I've said more here than I usually say about her. I try to keep this blog about me. I hope you all see that. I am struggling with my reactions to her behavior;  the split between "being a good daughter" and trying to protect myself from my abuser.




"We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally."
.....
"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."

http://www.adultchildren.org/


And then of course I need to keep repeating steps 1, 2, 3...  I admitted I was powerless, I came to believe, I made a decision to turn it over to my HP.

And this is why this blog is here folks. This is getting close to the root of it.

May you have peace today.

Coming out of my shell

Lots going on but how much of it matters? A cousin with cancer, a new kitchen appliance in our house, and my mother's cat died. Well, she had it put to sleep actually. Lots of things I could say about that I suppose. Last night I opened up my Al-Anon books for a while and meditated. Then I read a whole book of short stories. Who needs sleep, right? Too hot for sleep anyway. I refocused, came up with a new plan to try to get myself to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We'll see how it goes. "One Day at a Time" and "Keep it Simple Stupid". I feel more detached from my mother's loss than I feel I should be. That cat had been around for a long, long time. Still, it's probably for the best and I need to focus on myself, not on her. "Admitted that we were powerless..." and I'm reaching for the higher power of "my understanding". What if that higher power isn't the same as my husband's higher power? What do I do about that? How do I teach my child about a higher power when even my husband and I don't agree? Sigh. Let it Go. She'll figure it out too. We all do. In the meantime it's about 90 degrees outside so enjoy the sunshine.

thinking of the single parents out there

This morning I woke up before my daughter. My husband is away this week, a rare occurrence, so I actually had the living room to myself for a few minutes. I took a few sips of coffee and enjoyed the peace and tranquility for the moment.

I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.

So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.

At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".

Peace.

The roller coaster ride

We had a 3-day weekend, one of those "Boston Holidays" on Monday. The weather was mixed, and our days filled up quickly. We took our daughter to an open house farm and she was less fearful than she has been in the past, we bought gardening supplies, and planted a small garden. Too soon maybe, but we are hopeful.

The last 2 weekends had been busy with Easter and other family things so we took the weekend off from visiting with friends and family for the most part. It was good to be on our own schedules.

So in the midst of this all my mother called and left a message demanding that I return my grandmother's jewelry that she had given me in September. Now, personally, I am still grieving. I have packed away whatever my mother gave me after my grandmother's death in various places. Some of it I can find easily, other stuff is more deeply buried. I guess the jewelry is buried. I looked for it in the places that were easily accessible and then on Monday night I called her back. She was not happy. I had not called her back fast enough, and the answer of "I don't know for certain that I have it, and if I do have it, I'm not sure I can put my hands on it very easily" was not pleasing to her.

Personally I think this is just another one of those control games that she plays all the time. It's a cry for attention. I hate these games and I don't want to play. She gave me stuff, it's mine. That should be the end of it, but I try to be nice. It's so hard. So the conversation continued until she used the "F" word and then I hung up. She called back, I hung up again immediately, she called again and then I let her apologize. I pointed out that Grandma's birthday is approaching and so is Mother's Day, and I imagine she is feeling some pain. This acknowledgment seemed to soothe things a bit, and she rambled on about other things. Mostly about how great my brother is to come over to her house and make her dinner occasionally. In September my mother and brother weren't speaking. They got angry with one another the night before the funeral and called it quits. It's interesting now that my brother is the "good kid" and I am the "selfish bitch". Oh wait, I'm always the "selfish bitch" and I let my kid watch too much tv, another pet peeve of hers.

Anyway, now I'm upset with her, and myself. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure what the right thing is. One thing I do know is that I won't be bringing my things to her house for a tag sale in a few weeks. Whatever I had hoped to sell will be given to charity instead. Although I could use the pocket money, especially with our insane medical bills this year, I need the sanity more.

Letting go of expectations

Letting go of expectations is another one of the gifts that I get from Al-Anon. I have gained sanity by letting go of expectations every day. I'd like to do this and that this weekend, but those plans involve other people in my life, and they may not have the same inclinations as I do. If I expect to get things done, I'm going to be disappointed. I have to work hard to let go. It's not easy. Twice within the last two days I've had that point driven home to me.

Yesterday I thought I'd lost my wallet. My expectations of returning to work, having a normal day, and a normal day today, were vanished in a heartbeat. If my wallet was lost, I'd have a lot of work to do to recover all that was lost. Getting a new driver's license, new debit and credit cards, etc. would take a lot of time, energy, and probably be frustrating. My expectation about just having a normal day vanished. Then I found my wallet. WHEW!

This morning I was pulling out of a parking lot, and passing other parked cars. One of them nearly backed into me. For a few seconds I had images of a tow truck, maybe an ambulance, and definitely policemen in my head. Then I leaned on the horn, hard. The other driver heard me, and all was saved. But in those few seconds my expectations of getting to work and having a normal day ahead of me vanished, and if the car ended up "in the shop", then other things would be messed up too. I didn't like my expectations to be taken away. I did not want that car accident to happen. WHEW again!

The last example I'll give you is at home. As the parent of a 3 year old, having expectations can be tricky. My husband and I have an expectation that we'll eat supper at a certain time, food will be eaten in a timely manner, and all will be calm. My daughter has other ideas. SHE wants to get the ketchup out of the refrigerator. She's disappointed that she has smiley faced french fries instead of alphabet fries. She wants to do more and more things herself. Then she wants to lick a knife covered in butter. Sometimes these things can drive a parent up a wall. Picking and choosing our battles becomes exhausting, and often I am ready for bed before she is. Sometimes my husband or I will put ourselves in time out because it gets overwhelming. We just want to eat supper. We don't want to have a battle about how eating a half a cup of butter is not allowed. However we are fooling ourselves if we sit down at the kitchen table and expect dinner to go smoothly. It's not going to. Eating out will have it's own challenges too. We just have to accept that mealtimes are going to be rough, and remove any expectations we have otherwise.

None of these examples have an alcoholic in them. When I was a kid I had expectations that a holiday would be fun, cozy, and friendly. I looked forward to Christmas and Thanksgiving like every other kid. My mom would start drinking though, and way too early there would be fighting and tears, and everything would be a mess. I've stopped looking forward to holidays with her. My expectations were never met. She has never been sober during the holidays to my knowledge, and I am dreading having her around this year. It's best not to have any expectations.

So if "Let Go and Let God" or "Let Go and Let Higher Power" seems too much for you at first, then practice just "Letting Go" at first. Let go of your expectations and you will be a lot calmer, a lot more willing to go with the flow of things, and adapt to whatever happens. It's not always easy. And yes, sometimes I get bummed out because I don't get what I want, but at least I'm not frustrated by not having my expectations met in the first place.

I'd like to go to some fall festivals this weekend. Do I EXPECT to be able to go? Not one bit. I'm hoping to get to at least one of them, although I'd really like to go to 2 or 3. I don't have any expectations though. We don't have much planned because I know that truly everyone will have something different they want to do, and I'm not the only member of the family who gets a voice. The oil will get changed on the car, groceries will hopefully be purchased, and birthday cake or birthday cupcakes will be consumed. Those are expectations I can live with. The rest I just have to let go. If we get in a car accident on the way home today though, all bets are off, and that's just the way it goes.

Remembering to use the tools in daily life

I'm not even going to reach into the backpack today to find a quote. I had a very real experience this afternoon of NOT using the program when I should have.

I went to Target to buy a few things, on a long lunch break. I paid, returned my cart, loaded my car, hit McD's drive thru (free coffee), and headed back to work. Just as I neared my exit I realized my wallet wasn't on the front passenger seat. It's a big wallet, with ALL my ID in it. I panicked. I got off the exit, made a U-turn, and sped back to the store. I checked the trunk of my car quickly, and all around the front seats etc, but didn't find it. Then I RAN into the store. Panic was full on. I went back to the cashier where I'd checked out (Lane 8), then I went to Customer Service, and finally to the security guard who I'd handed the cart off to. No one had the wallet. I gave the guard my name and phone numbers, and left. I told myself as I walked out that if I didn't find the wallet in my car right now, then I officially had permission to cry, and I planned to really bawl because I was so upset with myself, and I knew my husband would be upset with me too. A simple little errand turned into a complete disaster. Credit cards, library cards, ID, health insurance, all my store cards, etc... missing. What a disaster! There wasn't any cash, just all that ID.

Then I got to my car, opened the trunk, and SEARCHED, and searched and FOUND the wallet in one of the shopping bags. I came back to work and called Target and let them know I'd found the wallet. Fortunately I didn't have to speak to the security guard personally.

I was so grateful that I had not called my husband and caused him to panic, or had him search the car and see his birthday gifts. However I felt like a complete idiot.

I should have used the program. Al-Anon is about US. It's about ME. It's not about the alcoholics and addicts in my life, it's about keeping ME sane, and I need to keep the focus on MYSELF. Al-Anon is not just for when I am interacting with the As in my life, it is for LIVING my life, always. It needs to be ON all the time. Losing weight isn't about dieting, it's about changing your lifestyle. Al-Anon is the same way. It's about changing your life style so you make the right choice every time, or try to anyway. And when you make a mistake, you forgive yourself.

I made two mistakes today, at least. I panicked because I thought I'd lost the wallet, and then I was really hard on myself when I realized it was a false alarm. I shouldn't have panicked in the first place. I should have stayed calm and searched the car better. Then, even if I had panicked and gone through all of that, I should have been more forgiving of myself for making the mistake. No one is perfect, not even me, that's why we have a Higher Power. Maybe, just maybe, my higher power had a reason for me to get back to work 45 minutes later than I'd planned. I'll probably never know.

First Things First

A long weekend is ahead of us, but before I can get there, I still have an hour left at work. I have a "to do" list at work and at home, and it is nagging me. I have to keep reminding myself to just take things one step at a time, and do "first things first". It's going to be a challenge. Usually writing lists helps me with this, but so far I haven't had time to put things down on paper so most of it is still in my head. Phone calls to be made, bills to be paid, friends and relatives to visit... in the meantime, I have a pile of books to sort and process before the day is over.

The weekend does involve visits with both my parents, separately, a trend I am going to be faced with over the holidays as well. Scheduling things in a way that does not overwhelm my husband or my daughter is tricky since their thresholds are low. Patience from everybody will be key.

First the tape, then the lines, then take things one at a time, and with that my sanity will be restored.

Have a good weekend all! I might not post again until Tuesday.

between sanity and insanity

This is a rough time for me. Yesterday I saw my grandmother, and all of that. Last night after we got the kid to bed, my husband told me he wasn't feeling well and was going to the doctor (at 9:30pm he was going to Urgent Care clinic). So off he went, with our only car. A while later he called me back and said he was being sent to a real hospital in an ambulance. I was POWERLESS. I was home, with a child, and no way to get to the hospital. Our car was at the doctor's office. So I asked his permission to call a friend of his. I couldn't quite let go, not yet.

His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.

I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.

Do I really want to do this??

I went into the BIG library today, up to the 17th floor, and explored the Al-Anon books up there. Some of them are pretty old, and many have never been checked out I think. Too bad. I saw some interesting stories as I skimmed through the books and along the shelves. Then I stopped to ask myself "Do I want to do this? Do I want to identify myself, however anonymously, as an 'adult child of an alcoholic'? Do I want to let that define me?" My husband and my child love me unconditionally. Neither are interested in who I was before I came into their lives. They love me for who I am NOW, in the present, in this moment. They do not care about how I got here or why I am the way I am. They accept me for what is. They are practicing healthy relationships without even knowing it, without even thinking about it. They are just healthy to begin with. Why is it so much work for me to not be so toxic? Why can't I have their peace and sanity?

And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.

Step 12 and this blog

Yesterday I was still meditating on my visits with my family over the weekend. How will those encounters translate to my blog? What do I want to say? I emailed a friend and she responded that I seemed more positive than she expected. At home I opened an old filing cabinet and found my "12 step" folder. Even though I had long ago gifted away my Al-Anon books and meditation tools, I did manage to keep several brochures and small items from my meetings many years ago. These were a delight to read as I remembered the words "Detachment" and "Just for Today". Many of the slogans, steps, and tools from Al-Anon have become a part of my life over the years. Very slowly I learned to begin living the life and detach from my mother and other toxic persons around me. This has not been an easy journey, and a lot of times I slipped, fell and cried. However I am a stronger person now than I was 10 years ago. It was probably about 8 years ago that I found Al-Anon and I've come a long way since then.

Step 12 says : "12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

This blog is a way of practicing that step. This is a way for me to carry my message to others, if anyone is listening. I may not always get the font right, or the format, but my words might inspire someone to practice these principles themselves and realize that the tools of Al-Anon and the 12 Step programs can bring sanity into focus. I hope that's what happens anyway. There is a lot to talk about, and I hope I can do it in a positive way that inspires others and lifts them in some way.