independence

Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.

Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.

Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too.  :-)

There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-)  But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.

Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr

Breathe in... breathe out

This is one of those times that I'm caught off guard. I didn't expect this to be so hard and yet here I am. My husband and I are pulling at each other. I am constantly reminded by myself and by him to detach and let go. This time it's letting go of my husband. We have a home repair project that as I write this is probably underway at least a little bit. My husband is in charge and is doing most of the work himself. However I keep butting in. "Shouldn't you be doing this? Did you think about that....?"  and his reply "Do you trust me or not honey? I told you I can do this, now get out of my way and let me do this. You have your own list..."

and he's right of course. My job is to stay out of his way for the yesterday and today. Then tomorrow I take orders and help out as needed. Then Saturday and Sunday my job is to keep the child away from the house and entertained. I got to pick the hotel at least. :-)

Today my husband called me at work a few times and told me of the "discoveries" he was making. Added layers of work, added money to be spent at the big orange store, added time spent doing the work.

I plan to leave our house on Friday afternoon, after helping him for the day. On Monday I hope to return to a functioning home, that functions the way that it does today with all the things working. In the meantime I need to be practicing and practicing my letting go and letting god, my detaching, trust, the serenity prayer, and living one hour at a time.

Of course it doesn't end there either. On Saturday and Sunday I'll be mostly in "single parent mode" and I will be negotiating with our child what we will do, where we will spend our time, where we will eat, etc. It will be a seesaw ride of trying to keep her busy while not wearing myself out too much. She's got more energy than I do I think, and it can be hard to keep up.  :-)

It's all worth it if things go well, and if things don't go well... well I don't want to think about that yet. I just need to get through the rest of this afternoon first. This moment, here, this blog post, etc.

Image via Wikipedia

Expectations and Letting Go and Letting HP and trust

I know, I've posted on this before but really I just have to keep practicing it all the time. Yesterday my husband had the day off. He promised to clean the living room. It was filled with the kid's toys and his stuff. I've heard this promise before and been disappointed by the results. I tried not to have any expectations. It was his day, and he should be allowed to do what he wanted to do. And I know how overwhelming cleaning can be, especially when it's not your stuff. Still, I had expectations. I had LOW expectations. When he called me around 3pm to say he was tired and asked me to get take-out for dinner, I gently told him that no, I wasn't getting take-out. We'll be eating out enough over the next few days as it is. Then he told me he threw out a certain toy. My first reaction to him was "Oh no! Not THAT!" but then I calmed down, and I said "this is your project, and I trust you." Really, I need to treat him with respect and as an adult. He deserves that. It's hard to let go and let someone else do it, and trust. Let go and Let HP do it. I'm at work, I don't want to micromanage the project, and I'd probably throw some toys out too if I was doing it. I should be glad it's not me doing the cleaning. Really!

When I got home 3 hours later, with our daughter, I was very surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking in the oven. Then I went into the living room and it was clean. I mean really clean. He had vacuumed the floor, and there was space for the 3 of us to sit down, and you could actually walk around the kid's table that was in the middle of the room. It was awesome. I was so happy.

Dinner was very yummy, the living room was clean, we were all relaxed, and my daughter got to play with toys that she hadn't seen in months. It was nice to want to be home.

I had actually thought about going to my mom's apartment. I never called my mom to tell her that, but it was on my mind from 5pm-6pm. I know I'll be busy for the next week with my father-in-law coming to town and other activities so I thought I should go see her and get it off her list or something. I didn't go though. I enjoyed the evening at home. I thought of it as my reward for letting go, letting my higher power be in control, and trusting my loved one.

Practicing Detachment

Detachment is so key to my sanity, and when it comes to my mother I've had a hard time with it. When she moved to Florida it really helped me because I knew there was little I could do. I had to "Let Go and Let HP". I was worried that when she moved back north that I'd get sucked in again, and I know that I have to be very careful with boundaries or I will lose my sanity.

I have been doing quite well in the past 6-7 weeks since my mom came back. On Saturday my daughter and I saw my mother at a local event. In the course of the 2 hours that we visited, my mom mentioned she is probably legally blind in her right eye. She has cataracts and might need surgery. Before Al-Anon I would have been quite upset about this. "My mom is blind? Oh no! She shouldn't be driving that's for sure! Surgery? When? I better be there in case anything goes wrong." That would have been me the old-way. On Saturday though I stayed calm. "Mom I've been saying for years you shouldn't be driving". Of course I've been saying it because of all her DUIs, not because of her vision but I left that part out.

I have a firm boundary here. My mother will not be allowed to babysit my daughter, ever. The most I am going to let her watch my kid is any situation where I'd be okay leaving my daughter alone, or for very brief periods of time. I need to use the portapotty at the event, my mom can watch my daughter for the 2 minutes it takes me to go pee, but I'm going to pee fast! so later when my mom mentioned that my brother's ex-wife might let her babysit my nephew I did not panic. I did not feel guilt. I did not feel like "Oh Marie trusts my mom with her kid, I should trust her too." No way. I did not let this get to me. I am making a decision, with my husband's support, that is best for my family. Marie and my brother can do as they please.

There were other comments said during our visit too, but I kept my focus on myself and my daughter. I was determined to enjoy a beautiful summer day and I did not let my mother, my husband, or anyone else distract me from that. My daughter and I had a great day. Before Al-Anon it might not have worked out that way, but by practicing "Detachment" and "Live and Let Live" we had a wonderful visit.