confused

Yesterday I had the chance to make amends. I am still blown away by how welcoming and calm this woman was. She "forgave me" easily because she was never really upset with me to begin with. My mother is the one who harmed her, and I will not defend my mother's actions one bit. So the tears keep coming. I feel like I am maybe experiencing some PTSD. Since I work in a library it was easy for me to go up to the stacks today and browse. I went through the ACOA stuff again, and picked up familiar books and then put them back again. Then I went to the non-fiction stacks and picked up some books at random. I found myself led to a few and then others I just let find me.

Later today I will see my doctor about my asthma. I am confused whether I should mention the PTSD or not. On the one hand I feel like Al-Anon has giving me the tools to cope with these flashbacks, but on the other hand I am not sure of my own stability. I also worry a little about the "what ifs"... what if something bad happened in my life and I lost my balance. Would I end up back in that horrible place in my head? Even though I feel like I do a good job of staying in the present, it seems like I was pulled back into the past pretty easily.. well maybe not so easily. That was a pretty well buried skeleton that just got pulled out of the closet.

So today I am going in circles. Trying to use my Al-Anon tools to cope with my PTSD and all the ACOA stuff. I am also reminded of the FOG that I think I blogged about some time ago.. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt... I am never really free of the FOG I guess. I just somehow MANAGE it, and cope with it as best as I can.

Sharing and experience

Someone posted on her blog about the difference she sees between sharing a problem and sharing a solution. When I first read it, I took it rather personally. Since I have recently been blogging about a specific situation with my mother, I felt like maybe her post was a response to mind. Now that I'm thinking it over though, I'm (almost) sure that's not the case. :-)

Anyway, for me I have a different experience. There are times when I want to blog about the "solution" and post about the slogans and the steps, and the recovery things that I am doing. Then there are other times where I feel it's important to identify something specific. I do this for 2 reasons. First of all, it's helpful to me. It helps my recovery and healing to put it all out there where I can see it, to process it, absorb it, and own it as my life. Second, I feel that in this sharing someone else might say "Hey, that's me too! I'm not alone in this!"

Many of us have crazy mothers. When I was in high school  I thought I was the only one. Well, okay, I knew someone else who had a crazy mother but she was crazy in a different way. She had a lot of headaches and was sick all the time. The apartment had to be kept quiet and dark, and my friend was on his own a lot. My mother was different though. I felt very isolated in dealing with her. No one else I have ever known has had a parent quite like mine.

So I post both about the flareups that we have, and about how I am coping. A lot of days I am simply putting one foot in front of the other, living in the moment, and taking things one day at a time. I'm enjoying the little things like a cup of coffee with my husband this morning at Panera, child-free. I focus on the good, my family, and my friends. On some days I struggle though, and those are the times when I am more reflective, and likely to spend a long time writing out a blog post.

Depression is winning

Well in spite of TRYING to THINK POSITIVE, I feel like fatigue and depression are winning. The other night I had a very intense nightmare about an abusive ex-boyfriend coming back in my life and trying to harm my daughter and myself. My husband was in the dream, but he wasn't able to save us from this horrible man. It was a pretty vivid dream, and I woke up crying and upset.

I've been married for almost 7 years, and started dating my husband in 2002. He's a very good man, and not an addict etc. He has never hurt me. Why am I still having dreams like this? Is this what PTSD looks like? Or should I just shrug it off, no big deal?

This morning I am asking myself questions about identity. How do I want to define myself? Am I a "survivor" or a "victim" or "just another anonymous soul" or just "me"? I don't like asking myself questions about who I am. It makes me feel uneasy. How big or small is "recovery" in my life? Does it define me? Or do I not work hard enough?

Enough! I say. I applied my program to dealing with my daughter this morning, but not until after I had tried it the other way and seen it fail. Next time maybe I'll remember to apply it first instead of suffering the frustration of the failure.

proof that time does not stand still in bloggerville

I've got deadlines today at work, and things to look forward to tomorrow. If I don't meet those deadlines I don't get to do the fun things. Still, I wanted to come here to bloggerland and give you all an update.

Thank you for your comments yesterday. It feels good to not be alone.

Last night on our ride home I asked my husband if he was going out (Tuesday night he usually does). He said he didn't think he should given my remarks over the weekend. So we talked. Our daughter in the backseat tuned out to her dvd player and I apologized for my behavior. I let him know I wanted to be a caring and supportive wife and mother, but the lack of sleep gets the best of me sometimes. He commented that I have always been a light sleeper and suggested I visit my doctor about the matter. I'm not interested in pills or therapy to help me sleep. No thanks. I countered with trying to transition our 4-year old into her own room. Admittedly I'll still be checking on her a million times a night, but maybe I'll get better about that too.

At home, he made dinner and I read stories to our daughter. We ate, and he left. My daughter mentioned she missed him on these nights when he goes out. I miss him too I told her, but he is losing weight and is happier, so we have to support it. We read some more stories and took our time getting ready for bed. By 9:30pm she was finally asleep. Around 10pm or so, my husband came home. I was still awake, but I went to sleep shortly after he did. Somehow, someway, we all actually slept pretty well. A little too well maybe. My husband overslept 20 minutes, and we were all running a little late this morning. I felt good though, rested. It was a good feeling. The coffeemaker went unused, which I regretted when I got to work, but still a nice night of sleep.

I tried to make my amends, and I will do my part to get our daughter into her room. I will do my part to try to get more sleep. Hopefully in doing these things I will be a better me. I want to be a better me.

Working my own program

I was getting caught up on some shows on Biography last night, and one of them happened to be an interview with Tim Allen on "Shatner's Raw Nerve". The shows are only a portion of a longer interview that is viewable online, however I haven't taken the time to watch the full-length versions yet. Anyway, Tim Allen talked a little bit about his recovery from drugs and alcohol and mentioned that he was running his own race. It doesn't matter what the other drivers are doing, it only matters on what he is doing for himself. He was a race car driver for 6 years, on top of doing his tv show full-time, and he never won a race, but he had fun doing it. He said he applies his racing philosophies to a lot of other parts of his life, but his racing philosophies also were said in AA terms. Shatner recognized this right away, and they talked a bit more about it. Come to think of it, several of Shatner's guests talk about addiction and recovery. It's amazing how widespread the diseases of addiction are sometimes.

The reminder of "running my own race" is a good one though. In Al-Anon we are reminded to work our own program, and not worry about the qualifier in our life. I need to work more on this. I know it's what Al-Anon is all about, but I get distracted sometimes. My husband sometimes want to help each other out, and that's okay, but I have to be careful in life in general to remember to mind my own business sometimes. Tim Allen's interview with William Shatner was a good reminder of that.

Random Thoughts

Yesterday's "One Day at a Time" page reminds us to separate the alcoholic's disease from the alcoholic as a person. I'm supposed to remember that my mother's disease makes her crazy, but she still has a lot of good qualities. This is true, and I've spent a lot of my life saying "Well to me she's a b****, but professionally she's a great person. Look at all the people she has helped..." Um yeah, but you know what? She's not my boss. She's not my coworker. She's my mom, and if I don't detach myself from her and set boundaries, I destroy myself. So for me, I have to remember that although she has the ability to be a great, generous, gifted person the side of her that I'm most likely to see is the one that destroys families and friends, and rips lives apart. Doesn't matter how wonderful she is, to me she's poison.

Another Al-Anon thing that I was reminded of today, probably on someone else's blog or in another AlAnon book, is that we need to keep the focus on ourselves. I shouldn't be focused on the crazy things my mother has done recently. I should be focused on myself and how I work my own program. This is very true. It doesn't matter that my mother threw my brother's stuff out onto her lawn in a cheap plastic bag. It matters that my husband and I decided to go and get my brother's things, and attempt to make contact with him. Rather than ignore the situation, which was my first impulse, we decided to take action to help the other Adult Child of an Alcoholic in my mother's life. I don't know if my brother will appreciate the gesture or not, but we tried to rescue his military uniform at least. When my mom quizzed me about it on Saturday though, I dodged. I couldn't tell her yet that we had taken the stuff. I felt like I was stealing, not rescuing, although I know it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't ready to be on her bad side yet.

For some reason I am still trying to get her approval in some weird way. I haven't seen her since the funeral, but I've spoken to her on the phone, and she's as crazy as ever. So why am I "kissing up"?

During the week my mom called repeatedly asking me to return grandma's earrings that she'd given me. On Saturday I sent my husband to drop them off since he was passing her apartment anyway. Turns out they weren't what she was looking for. She accused me of holding out, called me up and said "where is the rest of it?" I reminded her that she hadn't given me anything else. That she had in fact refused to give me any other jewelry. She backed off pretty quickly and admitted that she hadn't looked through her stuff yet, she just assumed I had it. Then she asked me how to clean a jewelry box. How would I know that? I've never owned one. So things are edgy.

Now I have a name and phone number of an acquaintance who said she'd be willing to give my mom some doctor's names etc. locally. Do I call my mom tonight with the info? Or not? We'll see. She probably won't be very grateful for it, but I tried to help her out.

Keeping the focus on myself. My mom will always be crazy. How I interact with her is my program. Or how I detach myself too. It's too bad that things can't be better between us. When it comes time for her funeral some day, if I outlive her, I will manage to stay positive and say good things about her. Right now though, it's hard to separate the addict from the addiction. Now that my grandmother is gone, walls will probably go up and my mom and I will be playing some sort of game as we get near the holidays. Neither of us quite saying what we really want to say. Sad, but true.

"I believe...."

There is a lot of talk in recovery programs about "believing". Believing in yourself, believing in a higher power or God, believing that you can make a difference... and if you don't believe, then some will tell you to pretend to believe until you really get it.

There is a lot of talk about "acceptance" too. It's the end of the day, and I'm still not sure where I want to go with today's post. Both of these words are weighing on me today.

I believe.... I believe that when I visited my grandmother today she was glad to see me, and she knew who I was. I believe that. I believe that she knows I really love her with all my heart, and wish I could do more for her.

I also know that when I asked her "Is this where you want to be?" and she said "No", that there were layers and layers of answers there, and I know in my heart some of the places where she would rather be.

And this is where acceptance comes in. She does not want to be in that nursing home, and she does not want to be parked in front of the nurses station for an hour before lunchtime after I leave. However, she accepts it. She would like her son and daughter to visit more often than they do, but she accepts their absence and their excuses. She does not know, and maybe does not care any more, that my mother has lied to her repeatedly and in fact, is not visiting her more often because she doesn't have a car.

This is where it gets hard for me. I suspect that my grandmother feels neglected by my mother. She did a lot for my mom over the years, and she is probably hurt and confused by the fact that even though my mom moved back up to Massachusetts 2 months ago, she's not visiting grandma every day. My mother, and my uncle too I guess, never told my grandmother about the DUI my mom got in Florida in October 2007. I think it was 2007, I might be wrong on that. Anyway, my grandmother does not know that the car she bought my mom got totaled and that my mom lost her license etc, etc. When my mom came to visit from Florida when my grandmother was ill once, she did it in between probation visits. My grandmother has no clue. They think she doesn't need to know, and it's not my job to tell her.

Still if she knew that stuff, if she knew that my mom's alcoholism had done this, and that my mom was now without a car, then she'd know why my mom doesn't visit every day.

If I was retired, and lived nearby, I'd visit my grandmother every day. I hate seeing her the way she is, and I know she is lonely. In some ways she reminds me of my daughter. People really do thrive better with some love and affection, and if grandma had some 1 on 1 love from my mom or my uncle, for more than just an hour or two here and there, I think she'd be less depressed.

I can't do it though myself, and she knows it and accepts it. I'm not retired. I have a young child, and a job, and my husband and I share a car. She and I both have to accept this. So today I tried to tell her with all my heart how much I love her, but really she'll never know. I've been mourning her declining health for years, and I can't do anything except that we all get older, and she's 91 years old now, and that's just the way it is.

"It is what it is." as some people say, and we don't have to like it, we just have to accept it.

And with that, I'll sign off until tomorrow.

Do I really want to do this??

I went into the BIG library today, up to the 17th floor, and explored the Al-Anon books up there. Some of them are pretty old, and many have never been checked out I think. Too bad. I saw some interesting stories as I skimmed through the books and along the shelves. Then I stopped to ask myself "Do I want to do this? Do I want to identify myself, however anonymously, as an 'adult child of an alcoholic'? Do I want to let that define me?" My husband and my child love me unconditionally. Neither are interested in who I was before I came into their lives. They love me for who I am NOW, in the present, in this moment. They do not care about how I got here or why I am the way I am. They accept me for what is. They are practicing healthy relationships without even knowing it, without even thinking about it. They are just healthy to begin with. Why is it so much work for me to not be so toxic? Why can't I have their peace and sanity?

And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.

Step 12 and this blog

Yesterday I was still meditating on my visits with my family over the weekend. How will those encounters translate to my blog? What do I want to say? I emailed a friend and she responded that I seemed more positive than she expected. At home I opened an old filing cabinet and found my "12 step" folder. Even though I had long ago gifted away my Al-Anon books and meditation tools, I did manage to keep several brochures and small items from my meetings many years ago. These were a delight to read as I remembered the words "Detachment" and "Just for Today". Many of the slogans, steps, and tools from Al-Anon have become a part of my life over the years. Very slowly I learned to begin living the life and detach from my mother and other toxic persons around me. This has not been an easy journey, and a lot of times I slipped, fell and cried. However I am a stronger person now than I was 10 years ago. It was probably about 8 years ago that I found Al-Anon and I've come a long way since then.

Step 12 says : "12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

This blog is a way of practicing that step. This is a way for me to carry my message to others, if anyone is listening. I may not always get the font right, or the format, but my words might inspire someone to practice these principles themselves and realize that the tools of Al-Anon and the 12 Step programs can bring sanity into focus. I hope that's what happens anyway. There is a lot to talk about, and I hope I can do it in a positive way that inspires others and lifts them in some way.

The Twelve Steps

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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from http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/steps.html