In Al-Anon we learn through the serenity prayer and our meetings to keep the focus on ourselves. We can't... er... *I* can't.. change the addict(s) in my life. I am powerless over them. I can only change myself. God (or Higher Power) give me the courage to change the things I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference...
2011 is all about change for me. It's about positive changes. I'm really trying to focus on the positive and BE a positive person. It's not easy and I don't do it well, but I am trying even if no one notices. The most obvious positive change is trying to lose weight. I started in September and I'm having some trouble in January but I'm not giving up. My next thing is giving up a message board that I've enjoyed for several years. I like it but it has it's negative moments and I think it's better for me to let it go. Like a relationship where you really love the other person but you know you'd both be better off with some more space. Will I be able to keep the online friends I've made there? I don't know yet. Too soon to tell I suppose. I've taken my first steps though and am willing to risk it.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... I cannot change my mother. She will either stay in the area or move back to Florida. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. I know that in my heart. Today she may try to twist my words and get me to say something I did not say. She may try to blame me for her life, but really I am not getting involved. I will help when I can if I am asked but I am not doing this for her and I am not preventing it either. She will be 61 this year. 61 going on 16, but still 61.
I heard a story last week or this week about a 15 year old killed in Florida. He and his buddy were walking back from Taco Bell and got hit, maybe from behind, by a driver who didn't stop. The buddy lived and managed to call for help. The other kid was not so lucky. The police managed to track down the driver, a 50 year old named Kim.
This is the kind of phone call I fear I will get some day. The driver will be my mother, if she is fortunate enough to ever get a car again. I can't imagine how I will respond, but I don't need to imagine it either. I am not going to live in fear. I am grateful that for today she does not have a car to use as a weapon. I must have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and I must Let Go and Let God do whatever will be done. I cannot save the world from my mother. I can only save my family as much as possible.
I'm rambling here and I am sorry. I hope that whatever happens in her life in the next few months is good for her. I don't think she will ever have peace, but I hope she gets answers as to where she will be living, and I hope she can rest again soon. In the meantime she's packing. Destination unknown. Departure date unknown.
And I am home with my husband and daughter, and counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have. I have the wisdom to know the difference. I have the desire to change my life for the better. I will walk away from drama with my mother and I will walk away from drama with my friends and I will be a better person because of it.
Showing posts with label Courage to change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Courage to change. Show all posts
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Courage to Change, memories of Step 5
This morning my "Courage to Change" book fell off the table as I was reaching for my hairbrush. I flipped it open to today's reading and saw the page about Step 5, admitting our faults.
I remember doing this many years ago. I had a boyfriend who felt he had been wronged. In an effort to "make things right" I gave him access to my journals and diaries. Big Mistake!! Instead of seeing me as an honest person he seemed to get more paranoid and more upset. I'm not sure why, but in hindsight it was probably the drugs he was on. Nothing I could have done back then could have saved that relationship, but I tried anyway.
I think Step 5 needs to come with it's own manual. Admitting your faults and mistakes to an addict can really backfire. It's not like they are going to reciprocate the favor and do their own Step 5. Instead the addict might take that information and hold it against you for a long, long time. I have learned this a couple of times in my life. I have tried to do Step 5 with my mother, admitting when I was rude or could have treated her better. It does me no good though. She only uses it against me later. "You said yourself you are lousy at...." sigh.
Step 5 is good for keeping me responsible for my actions now though. If I make a mistake at work I try not to cover it up. I try to own up to it "I tried really hard on this but I still screwed it up". "Oh that? Yeah I did that. Sorry.".
So go do your step 5s, but do them with caution. It's dangerous stuff if you've got an active addict on your list.
Also remember there is nothing on there that says you have to admit "the exact nature of our wrongs" to the person we have wronged. You can admit them to anyone, even a stranger on the street. :-)
I remember doing this many years ago. I had a boyfriend who felt he had been wronged. In an effort to "make things right" I gave him access to my journals and diaries. Big Mistake!! Instead of seeing me as an honest person he seemed to get more paranoid and more upset. I'm not sure why, but in hindsight it was probably the drugs he was on. Nothing I could have done back then could have saved that relationship, but I tried anyway.
I think Step 5 needs to come with it's own manual. Admitting your faults and mistakes to an addict can really backfire. It's not like they are going to reciprocate the favor and do their own Step 5. Instead the addict might take that information and hold it against you for a long, long time. I have learned this a couple of times in my life. I have tried to do Step 5 with my mother, admitting when I was rude or could have treated her better. It does me no good though. She only uses it against me later. "You said yourself you are lousy at...." sigh.
Step 5 is good for keeping me responsible for my actions now though. If I make a mistake at work I try not to cover it up. I try to own up to it "I tried really hard on this but I still screwed it up". "Oh that? Yeah I did that. Sorry.".
So go do your step 5s, but do them with caution. It's dangerous stuff if you've got an active addict on your list.
Also remember there is nothing on there that says you have to admit "the exact nature of our wrongs" to the person we have wronged. You can admit them to anyone, even a stranger on the street. :-)
Friday, June 18, 2010
trying to turn this over still
Yes I've been off for a few days. The kid was sick, but was well enough to go to school. On Wednesday though, the antibiotics caused her some stomach discomfort and she got sent home from school. We had a nice day at home yesterday though, and she wasn't really feeling sick. Whatever demons were in her body had already gotten out by morning.
So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.
Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.
In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.
And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!
Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.
So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.
Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.
In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.
And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!
Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I'm back I guess
Well I did manage to post a few times last week, and then this week I've been rather quiet. I'm trying to THINK POSITIVE and sometimes that is hard so I've been reading, but keeping my mouth shut. Learning to keep my mouth shut is something that I've gone back and forth on over the years. Sometimes I don't speak up when I should, and other times I keep yabbering when I shouldn't. So I've been quiet this week on the blog.
My daughter and I survived the week without my husband, although there were a couple of days when I was pretty late for work. Her tantrums seemed to escalate as the week went on. Instead of getting used to her father being gone, she got more difficult to deal with. Of course I was getting more tired as the week went on as well, but such is motherhood. When my husband came home our daughter stuck to him like glue for a day or two, but now we are finally starting to return to normal.
A week away has taught my husband that "normal" in our house isn't really "acceptable" and I'm kind of glad for that. I feel like for too long our daughter has gotten away with unacceptable behavior. Now just to clarify, we are talking about a preschooler so I'm not talking about drug use or anything. I'm just talking about the whining and lazy behavior that we have tolerated for far too long. I have heard too many times words that grate my nerves "What do I have to do to get you stop crying?? Just tell me and I'll do it!" from my husband. This attitude has gotten us in a bad relationship with our daughter. So now he has been away, and is back, I am hopeful that some of this is finally going to change. I am tired of being the "bad guy" but I'm not afraid to do it. I'm not afraid to compromise either, and I certainly don't claim I have all the answers, but I'm glad to see improvement on his end.
So here we are. Things for both of us are rough at our jobs. Stressed out and tired parents greeting a tired and cranky preschooler at the end of the day... not happy times. I'm hoping to alleviate some of this for all of us by putting some getaway vacations on the calendar for the summer. Money is not plentiful though, so it looks like we'll be camping in a tent rather than living it up in nice hotels. Camping is work too. I hope we can still manage to find some peace. And hopefully by having those getaways on the calendar to look forward to we will all feel better.
What does any of this have to do with Al-Anon? Hmm... priorities, Keeping it Simple, One Day at a time, THINK POSITIVE, Serenity... I don't know. I'm just trying to do the best that I can one hour at a time.
My daughter and I survived the week without my husband, although there were a couple of days when I was pretty late for work. Her tantrums seemed to escalate as the week went on. Instead of getting used to her father being gone, she got more difficult to deal with. Of course I was getting more tired as the week went on as well, but such is motherhood. When my husband came home our daughter stuck to him like glue for a day or two, but now we are finally starting to return to normal.
A week away has taught my husband that "normal" in our house isn't really "acceptable" and I'm kind of glad for that. I feel like for too long our daughter has gotten away with unacceptable behavior. Now just to clarify, we are talking about a preschooler so I'm not talking about drug use or anything. I'm just talking about the whining and lazy behavior that we have tolerated for far too long. I have heard too many times words that grate my nerves "What do I have to do to get you stop crying?? Just tell me and I'll do it!" from my husband. This attitude has gotten us in a bad relationship with our daughter. So now he has been away, and is back, I am hopeful that some of this is finally going to change. I am tired of being the "bad guy" but I'm not afraid to do it. I'm not afraid to compromise either, and I certainly don't claim I have all the answers, but I'm glad to see improvement on his end.
So here we are. Things for both of us are rough at our jobs. Stressed out and tired parents greeting a tired and cranky preschooler at the end of the day... not happy times. I'm hoping to alleviate some of this for all of us by putting some getaway vacations on the calendar for the summer. Money is not plentiful though, so it looks like we'll be camping in a tent rather than living it up in nice hotels. Camping is work too. I hope we can still manage to find some peace. And hopefully by having those getaways on the calendar to look forward to we will all feel better.
What does any of this have to do with Al-Anon? Hmm... priorities, Keeping it Simple, One Day at a time, THINK POSITIVE, Serenity... I don't know. I'm just trying to do the best that I can one hour at a time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
-------------------------
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows:)
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
-------------------------------
http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
-------------------------
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows:)
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
-------------------------------
http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Taking Personal Responsibility- Setting Boundaries
Today's "Courage to Change" reading talks about taking personal responsibility. Al-Anon doesn't want to tell people to get out if their living conditions are violent, but at the same time, it is what needs to be done. How to say that gracefully? By stressing taking responsibility for yourself. It's not about the alcoholic being violent, it's about the Al-Anon member being safe. Usually for me this means I have to set boundaries with the alcoholics. It is my responsibility to keep a safe distance away from the alcoholic so that I don't get hurt.
My uncle had a retirement party just a few days after my mom had moved back up north. As soon as I saw my mom with an alcoholic beverage in her hand I took my cue to leave, and I made no apologies for it. We didn't need to wait for cake to be served. My kid was tired anyway. I did not want to witness any carnage from my mother's mood change when alcohol was added.
Yesterday my mother left a message on my answering machine. She is trying to get me to go back to her apartment, and she keeps coming up with reasons why I should visit her. This time it was because she wanted my brother's clothes back. The ones she threw out on her lawn over a week ago. I refuse to give them to her. I'll give them to my brother, but not her. I held my ground, and even managed to continue the conversation after that topic had been covered to find out how my cousin's funeral had gone.
At some point I will have to confront my mother, and admit that yes, I am mad at her. It's not necessary or nice though, so I'm dodging it now. If push comes to shove when the holidays are closer, then we'll deal with it when the time is right. For now though I am just keeping her at arms' length so that I can keep myself and my family safe from her, and my reactions toward her.
My uncle had a retirement party just a few days after my mom had moved back up north. As soon as I saw my mom with an alcoholic beverage in her hand I took my cue to leave, and I made no apologies for it. We didn't need to wait for cake to be served. My kid was tired anyway. I did not want to witness any carnage from my mother's mood change when alcohol was added.
Yesterday my mother left a message on my answering machine. She is trying to get me to go back to her apartment, and she keeps coming up with reasons why I should visit her. This time it was because she wanted my brother's clothes back. The ones she threw out on her lawn over a week ago. I refuse to give them to her. I'll give them to my brother, but not her. I held my ground, and even managed to continue the conversation after that topic had been covered to find out how my cousin's funeral had gone.
At some point I will have to confront my mother, and admit that yes, I am mad at her. It's not necessary or nice though, so I'm dodging it now. If push comes to shove when the holidays are closer, then we'll deal with it when the time is right. For now though I am just keeping her at arms' length so that I can keep myself and my family safe from her, and my reactions toward her.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Courage to Change
I don't have much time to post today, and my coworker is being loud on the phone so I'm doing this quickly...
Reach into my backpack where I have probably 3 Al-Anon books. Grab one at random and it is "Courage to Change" and go to today's page. The last part is a quote by James Barrie, but when I searched the internet I found 2 different versions. Here is one:
Reach into my backpack where I have probably 3 Al-Anon books. Grab one at random and it is "Courage to Change" and go to today's page. The last part is a quote by James Barrie, but when I searched the internet I found 2 different versions. Here is one:
“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”
Rectorial address, May 3, 1922, St. Andrew’s University, Scotland
And the one in the book is "God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December."
Either one is good. Having lost my grandmother and buried her last Friday, I am still feeling sad a bit. Relations with my mother and my brother are strained now too. My husband thinks this is the time to detach from my mother now that my grandmother and grandfather are gone. I'm reluctant to let her go completely. It saddens me that my daughter will not have a grandmother like the one I had, but no matter what I do my mother will never be as her mother was. To continue a relationship with my mother or not is a big elephant in my room right now, and ultimately I am to some degree powerless over what happens because I cannot control my mother either. I just need to turn it over to my Higher Power and see what happens next.
And the one in the book is "God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December."
Either one is good. Having lost my grandmother and buried her last Friday, I am still feeling sad a bit. Relations with my mother and my brother are strained now too. My husband thinks this is the time to detach from my mother now that my grandmother and grandfather are gone. I'm reluctant to let her go completely. It saddens me that my daughter will not have a grandmother like the one I had, but no matter what I do my mother will never be as her mother was. To continue a relationship with my mother or not is a big elephant in my room right now, and ultimately I am to some degree powerless over what happens because I cannot control my mother either. I just need to turn it over to my Higher Power and see what happens next.
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