Obviously the blog isn't always first on my list. :-)
My mom is home and stable. She had some help, and I think she's still getting some, but she settling into a new normal. Ultimately we decided not to run right down there. We will see her in August as part of a larger vacation.
I've been the "bad daughter" and not been calling as often as she would like me to. I do not want the drama that I know I will get when she answers the phone. She's really under weight at this point and has been told not to exercise because she can't afford the calorie burn. On the one hand I understand the logic, but on the other hand I worry about the lack of muscle and about her getting weaker. It's not my life though. It's not my battle to wage. I keep my distance and let her live her way. She'll do it her way anyway. No point in stressing myself out about it.
So "my program" of detachment is working for now. It may get more interesting as we get closer to that visit in August. It will be a short one. Lots of time on the road and not a lot of time to actually visit.
I turned to Hazeldon's website, but today's quote doesn't really match my thoughts here. Still, it's a good resource. Look it up, if you are so inclined.
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Trying to get back on track
I was reading another person's Al-Anon blog and happened to look over to the sidebar see my Tari's Steps blog listed. Saw that I had not updated in over a year!! Ooops!
So I am going to try to get back on track with posting here. One thing that has held me back is that I feel less anonymous than I did when I first started this thing and I am worried that people who know me, or maybe even people who don't know me, will judge me in some way. I need to let that go. I can't let other people's opinions of me hold me back. Right?
So here we go.... a year plus 2 months has passed since I last wrote. What's happened? Not much is new. My mom is still sick, I am still dealing with boundary issues with my family, and life goes on. I'll give you the update though.
My mother's weight is down to under 100 pounds. Last I heard she was at 96. She spent several hours of New Years in the hospital with chest pains but ultimately walked out in frustration. Her heart is weak. She's still drinking and she's on at least a dozen prescriptions for various things and seeing a variety of doctors. She believes she's had some mini-strokes as well. She'll be 65 in a couple of months.
My brother got in touch with me on Facebook and we seemed to be connecting. He was due to be a father for the 6th time, and I imagine the baby may even have been born by now. When he asked me to contact mom and say "thank you" for him I refused. He's in his 30s and I think he is old enough to say "thank you" himself. If he can't then maybe he should return the gift. So he responded by blocking me out of his life. I guess I should call someone and find out if my youngest niece or nephew has been born yet. I think it was a niece they were expecting.
Meanwhile my home life goes on. I get older, I get heavier, and my daughter pushes on with elementary school growing as kids do. My husband has had some health scares and I've done my best to apply what I've learned in Al-Anon to those scares as well. I need to work hard to let things go and to take things one day at a time sometimes. I can't fix it all. I can only take care of what is mine to take care of.
And so life goes on. Again, I'll try to be better this year, in 2015, about keeping up with things.
So I am going to try to get back on track with posting here. One thing that has held me back is that I feel less anonymous than I did when I first started this thing and I am worried that people who know me, or maybe even people who don't know me, will judge me in some way. I need to let that go. I can't let other people's opinions of me hold me back. Right?
So here we go.... a year plus 2 months has passed since I last wrote. What's happened? Not much is new. My mom is still sick, I am still dealing with boundary issues with my family, and life goes on. I'll give you the update though.
My mother's weight is down to under 100 pounds. Last I heard she was at 96. She spent several hours of New Years in the hospital with chest pains but ultimately walked out in frustration. Her heart is weak. She's still drinking and she's on at least a dozen prescriptions for various things and seeing a variety of doctors. She believes she's had some mini-strokes as well. She'll be 65 in a couple of months.
My brother got in touch with me on Facebook and we seemed to be connecting. He was due to be a father for the 6th time, and I imagine the baby may even have been born by now. When he asked me to contact mom and say "thank you" for him I refused. He's in his 30s and I think he is old enough to say "thank you" himself. If he can't then maybe he should return the gift. So he responded by blocking me out of his life. I guess I should call someone and find out if my youngest niece or nephew has been born yet. I think it was a niece they were expecting.
Meanwhile my home life goes on. I get older, I get heavier, and my daughter pushes on with elementary school growing as kids do. My husband has had some health scares and I've done my best to apply what I've learned in Al-Anon to those scares as well. I need to work hard to let things go and to take things one day at a time sometimes. I can't fix it all. I can only take care of what is mine to take care of.
And so life goes on. Again, I'll try to be better this year, in 2015, about keeping up with things.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
wow, has it really been since August?
So we had that vacation. My mother hasn't mentioned her cancer lately. She had a scare where she thought she had MS, but she doesn't. Something is going on with her, but what else is new?
I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.
The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.
I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.
I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.
The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.
I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Post #200 Visit to see mom is complete
On Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I need to hear from my readers- that means you!
I need to hear from you out there. Now that the major addict in my life is further from my physical proximity it is obviously easier to maintain our boundaries. The chaos in my life has diminished considerably. Tonight I called her with some sad family news. She didn't really listen to what I had to say. She wanted to ramble about something else. It was on my dime (and now phone calls cost money, not just my time). I told her my daughter was calling for me in the background and hung up the phone. No drama, no guilt, just done.
So now what? As an adult child of an alcoholic I know that I am not cured just because I am no longer living with her and her disease. I am still afflicted by what has happened to me in the past. Try as I might I will never be unscathed by what has already occurred. I can only do my best with what I've got now. Do you, my readers, want to hear about that? The daily grind (or weekly grind or whatever) of just living the life? Or is that not dramatic enough?
Blogger tells me that there are people all over the world who are reading this blog, or at least I'm getting page views from lots of places. I'm not quite sure how it all works. I know that I have a few followers, that I'm on a few blogrolls, and maybe in a few people's readers. I appreciate that. I really do.
Now that the "crisis" is over should I continue writing or should I quit? Please let me hear from you.
So now what? As an adult child of an alcoholic I know that I am not cured just because I am no longer living with her and her disease. I am still afflicted by what has happened to me in the past. Try as I might I will never be unscathed by what has already occurred. I can only do my best with what I've got now. Do you, my readers, want to hear about that? The daily grind (or weekly grind or whatever) of just living the life? Or is that not dramatic enough?
Blogger tells me that there are people all over the world who are reading this blog, or at least I'm getting page views from lots of places. I'm not quite sure how it all works. I know that I have a few followers, that I'm on a few blogrolls, and maybe in a few people's readers. I appreciate that. I really do.
Now that the "crisis" is over should I continue writing or should I quit? Please let me hear from you.
Friday, April 22, 2011
I'm not crying I swear!
I'm 40 years old and I'm not going to cry, not going to cry, not going to cry!!
okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.
Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.
No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.
This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.
Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.
How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Dammit!
Image by jimmy_ray via Flickr
okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.
Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.
No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.
This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.
Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.
How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Dammit!
Image by jimmy_ray via FlickrThursday, March 10, 2011
It's all about the boundaries folks
I haven't posted lately in part because I don't have anything good to say. My mother has been pushing, pushing hard to keep me away. She is selling off her stuff because she needs money to move at the end of April. A week or so ago she told me NOT to come to her tag sale. She started a huge fight with me on the phone while I was at work (I had called her to see if she needed more boxes). Then she called my house and left a NASTY message on my answering machine. So glad my daughter didn't hear that one! Sheesh.. I wanted to call her back so badly, I literally stood looking at the phone holding my hands behind my back. I just stared at that phone and let the voices in my head sound off. But I didn't pick up the phone. I kept my Al-Anon going and I knew that making that phone call would not be NICE. It would not improve anything and it was not necessary. I left the phone alone. She hasn't called me since. Now our birthdays are here. She sent me a card and some cash. Hmm... an expensive card for someone claiming to be broke, and why did she send cash?? I plan to deliver her card on Saturday (her birthday is Sunday). I will return the cash she gave me in her card and I'm also going to give her some girl scout cookies. Nothing fancy. No taking her out for a meal or for ice cream. Just going to drop off the card. She may or may not be having her indoor tag sale again this weekend. If she is then she'll be home and dropping off the stuff will be easy. If she's out then I'll just leave it in the mailbox.
However I'm not using the birthdays as a "all is better now" thing. Just because she sent me a card and a gift does not mean all is forgiven for her rotten behavior on the phone concerning the tag sale. I understand that she is probably selling stuff I don't want her to sell and she doesn't want me to see her doing that. It's her stuff she can do what she wants. I am being respectful by not going to the tag sale. I am respecting her boundaries there. However it's too bad that she has chosen to be this way, and it's too bad she was so mean and nasty to me on the phone.
I feel badly for my daughter. She is getting cheated out of good grandmothers. My father's girlfriend helps sometimes but she has 5 other grandchildren of her own. She doesn't really need a step-grandchild very much. Oh well.. now I'm rambling.
Boundaries... and the serenity prayer are keeping me going these days and I'm still working that stuff every day.
Image via Wikipedia
However I'm not using the birthdays as a "all is better now" thing. Just because she sent me a card and a gift does not mean all is forgiven for her rotten behavior on the phone concerning the tag sale. I understand that she is probably selling stuff I don't want her to sell and she doesn't want me to see her doing that. It's her stuff she can do what she wants. I am being respectful by not going to the tag sale. I am respecting her boundaries there. However it's too bad that she has chosen to be this way, and it's too bad she was so mean and nasty to me on the phone.
I feel badly for my daughter. She is getting cheated out of good grandmothers. My father's girlfriend helps sometimes but she has 5 other grandchildren of her own. She doesn't really need a step-grandchild very much. Oh well.. now I'm rambling.
Boundaries... and the serenity prayer are keeping me going these days and I'm still working that stuff every day.
Image via WikipediaThursday, February 10, 2011
Just another Sunday afternoon
I was sitting in the kitchen, writing out the checks to pay the bills. My daughter was in the living room playing with her Barbies while my husband sat nearby surfing the web. I had just written out the check for preschool. It's THAT check in our budget that we cringe every time it comes around. It's bigger than our mortgage and we are counting down the months we have left on it.
Anyway, I had just written out that 4-figure check when the phone rang. We got rid of caller-id last year to save a few dollars so I always end up answering the phone. My mother was on the other end.
She started with a story about how she had gone to visit her safety-deposit box and some of her money was missing. Well she did give me a key to this box, but I have never used it. If I had used it I would have had to sign myself in and out. So she knows that I have never been there. Still the accusation started. When she failed to get me upset she moved on to a story about my brother. My brother is 30 years old now. He is deeply in debt with child support payments to four children. So he needs money. He had asked her for $100.00, then he cut it down to $50.00 a few days later. Would I help him out since she was running short? No, I would not. He is old enough to pay his own bills. Then she went back to her own story. She might not have enough money to move since she is coming up short on her savings. Um.... if my brother is old enough to pay his own bills at the age of 30, and she is 60 years old.... Yeah, she didn't get a nickel out of me. I politely told her I had bills of my own. I let her ramble and rant, but I didn't raise my voice.
When she had run out of steam and hot air, she hung up. Simple. So Simple. So glad I had my serenity in that moment. Thank you HP for helping me with my boundaries in that moment!
Anyway, I had just written out that 4-figure check when the phone rang. We got rid of caller-id last year to save a few dollars so I always end up answering the phone. My mother was on the other end.
She started with a story about how she had gone to visit her safety-deposit box and some of her money was missing. Well she did give me a key to this box, but I have never used it. If I had used it I would have had to sign myself in and out. So she knows that I have never been there. Still the accusation started. When she failed to get me upset she moved on to a story about my brother. My brother is 30 years old now. He is deeply in debt with child support payments to four children. So he needs money. He had asked her for $100.00, then he cut it down to $50.00 a few days later. Would I help him out since she was running short? No, I would not. He is old enough to pay his own bills. Then she went back to her own story. She might not have enough money to move since she is coming up short on her savings. Um.... if my brother is old enough to pay his own bills at the age of 30, and she is 60 years old.... Yeah, she didn't get a nickel out of me. I politely told her I had bills of my own. I let her ramble and rant, but I didn't raise my voice.
When she had run out of steam and hot air, she hung up. Simple. So Simple. So glad I had my serenity in that moment. Thank you HP for helping me with my boundaries in that moment!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Merry Christmas!!
I'm holding onto my boundaries with people in my life. I took some extra time off from work because I was sick and because my daughter didn't have school so I feel like I am doing a decent job of putting family first so that's good too. I'm actually kind of relaxed going into Christmas, and I'm usually a stress case so this year... on December 23rd anyway... is better than it has been in the past.
Tomorrow we will see my mother. Plan is for lunch with her and then going to her apartment to exchange gifts. I hope it goes okay. It will have to be quick at her apartment because of the cats and the smoke but since she is recovering from surgery I thought it was fair that we went to her place, as long as we don't eat there. I hope I don't regret that tomorrow.
Anyway, no one is coming here so I don't have to clean. The gifts are wrapped, the groceries have been bought, everything has been done I think that needs done and I can't usually say that this far ahead. So all is good.
Now we just have to get through it. Merry Christmas everyone!!
Image via Wikipedia
Tomorrow we will see my mother. Plan is for lunch with her and then going to her apartment to exchange gifts. I hope it goes okay. It will have to be quick at her apartment because of the cats and the smoke but since she is recovering from surgery I thought it was fair that we went to her place, as long as we don't eat there. I hope I don't regret that tomorrow.
Anyway, no one is coming here so I don't have to clean. The gifts are wrapped, the groceries have been bought, everything has been done I think that needs done and I can't usually say that this far ahead. So all is good.
Now we just have to get through it. Merry Christmas everyone!!
Image via WikipediaSaturday, December 11, 2010
Happy Holidays!
I'm still out here in cyberspace. I've been busy with a weight loss blog, and I have been doing okay with that FOG stuff and boundaries with my mother. Haven't figured out how to apply the FOG to my marriage. Not that my husband is blackmailing me or anything- he's not. I just know that I act out of feelings of FOG sometimes. We probably both do, and you can see it with our finances especially. We both want each other to be happy and we overspend as a result.
Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!
Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow. :-)
Happy Holidays!
Image via Wikipedia
Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!
Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow. :-)
Happy Holidays!
Image via WikipediaTuesday, November 2, 2010
I think I can set my calendar now
It seems from looking at this blog that every month around the 24th or 25th my mother and I have an argument. Not necessarily a real argument but she goes off on me and I end up wanting to cry, trying to detach, and asking myself if I have to continue this relationship with her.
On October 24th my grandmother was being buried. My mom was on the edges then, complaining about me not spending enough time with her. When she realized she'd been outranked by my father's family she backed off. After the burial my mother went to the cemetery to visit her parents' grave (same cemetery as my fathers' parents) and then she made some crack to me on the phone about how my father's family hadn't put enough flowers on my grandmother's grave. I was speechless at her lack of tact, but I didn't feel guilty because I knew that I had put flowers there even if no one else did. I guess this was her way at striking back at me for not spending time with her.
Then we had my father's birthday and Halloween. Well really, my father's birthday was November 1st, and she couldn't wait. She called me during the day yesterday and left a message. It angered me. I called her back and left a short but simple message that was direct and detached. Today she called again with 2 more messages, plus she managed to run into my father during the day and tried to get him on her side as well. Much to my amusement I heard about the encounter from my father's point of view and was glad to hear he had supported me (even though he didn't know about last night's game of message tag).
SO here we are again. The Holidays are coming. My husband and I have agreed on boundaries for Thanksgiving (we will not have her in our house, and we will not visit hers, we can meet in a public place). My mother is trying to change that, but I have my husband's support and I am strong.
Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in that window of 24th-25th when she seems to come after me. Should make for another eventful holiday season if I don't figure out something out soon.
On October 24th my grandmother was being buried. My mom was on the edges then, complaining about me not spending enough time with her. When she realized she'd been outranked by my father's family she backed off. After the burial my mother went to the cemetery to visit her parents' grave (same cemetery as my fathers' parents) and then she made some crack to me on the phone about how my father's family hadn't put enough flowers on my grandmother's grave. I was speechless at her lack of tact, but I didn't feel guilty because I knew that I had put flowers there even if no one else did. I guess this was her way at striking back at me for not spending time with her.
Then we had my father's birthday and Halloween. Well really, my father's birthday was November 1st, and she couldn't wait. She called me during the day yesterday and left a message. It angered me. I called her back and left a short but simple message that was direct and detached. Today she called again with 2 more messages, plus she managed to run into my father during the day and tried to get him on her side as well. Much to my amusement I heard about the encounter from my father's point of view and was glad to hear he had supported me (even though he didn't know about last night's game of message tag).
SO here we are again. The Holidays are coming. My husband and I have agreed on boundaries for Thanksgiving (we will not have her in our house, and we will not visit hers, we can meet in a public place). My mother is trying to change that, but I have my husband's support and I am strong.
Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in that window of 24th-25th when she seems to come after me. Should make for another eventful holiday season if I don't figure out something out soon.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
independence
Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via FlickrThursday, August 26, 2010
I've been invited to another fight it seems
I came home from work today and found a package on my steps. Inside the bag were small photo albums that I had made and given to my mother over the past 4 years. There were also some in frames. Most are photos of my daughter, and a few are of me, my brother, my (late) grandmother, and my mom. The letter explains that some of these are duplicates, but I know I only gave her one "Christmas 2008" album.
Image via Wikipedia
The letter also says things like she wishes we could be friends in spite of our differences but she doesn't want to get too involved either. She says something negative about her own mother which of course I disagree with. She says she misses her granddaughter.
Really??? Then why did she come over to the house and return all these pictures that we sent her as gifts?
I think she expected me to call her, and part of me thinks that I am "supposed to" call her. That's the polite thing, right? I am too angry though. I can't think of anything nice to say. It wasn't nice of her to give back the gifts we gave her. I don't feel like saying "thank you" for that. So I haven't called her. I don't want to fight. The package seems to have a dual message to me. It feels like she is saying "I hate you" and "I miss you" at the same time, and I don't know what to do with that.
I have to remind myself that we aren't speaking for a reason. She lies to me, she called me bad names, she is dishonest and mean. I can't trust her and I know she will hurt me. Even though she seems to be reaching out to me I have to protect myself, and my family. So the phone stays silent and I feel guilty about it.
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Image via Wikipedia
Image via WikipediaThe letter also says things like she wishes we could be friends in spite of our differences but she doesn't want to get too involved either. She says something negative about her own mother which of course I disagree with. She says she misses her granddaughter.
Really??? Then why did she come over to the house and return all these pictures that we sent her as gifts?
I think she expected me to call her, and part of me thinks that I am "supposed to" call her. That's the polite thing, right? I am too angry though. I can't think of anything nice to say. It wasn't nice of her to give back the gifts we gave her. I don't feel like saying "thank you" for that. So I haven't called her. I don't want to fight. The package seems to have a dual message to me. It feels like she is saying "I hate you" and "I miss you" at the same time, and I don't know what to do with that.
I have to remind myself that we aren't speaking for a reason. She lies to me, she called me bad names, she is dishonest and mean. I can't trust her and I know she will hurt me. Even though she seems to be reaching out to me I have to protect myself, and my family. So the phone stays silent and I feel guilty about it.
Image via WikipediaFriday, June 11, 2010
Does this define "crazy" for you?
A lot of us have "crazy" parents, but when someone asks me what I mean by "crazy" I have a hard time answering. Is she depressed? Is she schizo? Is she bipolar? Is she "just another alcoholic"? I don't know. Now though, I have an example of "crazy" fresh in mind so I thought I'd share it--
Last night we had to go run some errands after work/school and we were driving past my mom's place. I offered to stop for a minute with my dear daughter so we could see the new cats that she just named, but we hadn't met yet. So we go in, meet the cats, and my daughter is scared as hell as usual. Fine. Then my mom is like "Oh wait! I have to show you something in the kitchen."
Well what she wanted to show us was her cremated cat, and all the stuff they gave her with it. She had a cute little "birthday box" with a bow that the cat was in, a photo of the cat, and something else that was the paw prints I guess.
UGH! This of course instantly raised lots of questions for my 4-year old. I was choking anyway on the cigarette smoke, so we left quickly. My mom was still trying to talk to me, and I just had to tell her to shut-up because dd was asking me a ton of questions about how the dead cat got so small that it could fit into that box. We got back out to the car, where my husband was waiting, and then the two of us tried explain cremation to her.
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This is the kind of stuff that drives ME crazy with my mother. All I wanted to do was meet the cats, and see if maybe my daughter would be less afraid of them since she had helped to name them. When I realized that my kid was just as scared as always, I was ready to leave and get on with the rest of our stuff.
I can't really complain about the cigarette smoke because truthfully we didn't call ahead or anything. We just impulsively stopped, which is something I never do. However, I think my mom should shown me privately what was on the kitchen table if she really needed to share that badly. She should not have drawn my daughter into it. It wasn't appropriate. And really that is the problem with my mom a lot of the time. She doesn't understand what is "appropriate" and what isn't. Not just with my daughter, but in life in general. Sometimes she does understands and does what she wants anyway, other times she just has no clue.
So I'm not really sure how this ties into Al-Anon, except that examples like this one are reasons why I have to have strong boundaries with my mother, and why I could never let her watch my child unsupervised. She will never be a babysitter, I hope to God.
Last night we had to go run some errands after work/school and we were driving past my mom's place. I offered to stop for a minute with my dear daughter so we could see the new cats that she just named, but we hadn't met yet. So we go in, meet the cats, and my daughter is scared as hell as usual. Fine. Then my mom is like "Oh wait! I have to show you something in the kitchen."
Well what she wanted to show us was her cremated cat, and all the stuff they gave her with it. She had a cute little "birthday box" with a bow that the cat was in, a photo of the cat, and something else that was the paw prints I guess.
UGH! This of course instantly raised lots of questions for my 4-year old. I was choking anyway on the cigarette smoke, so we left quickly. My mom was still trying to talk to me, and I just had to tell her to shut-up because dd was asking me a ton of questions about how the dead cat got so small that it could fit into that box. We got back out to the car, where my husband was waiting, and then the two of us tried explain cremation to her.
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This is the kind of stuff that drives ME crazy with my mother. All I wanted to do was meet the cats, and see if maybe my daughter would be less afraid of them since she had helped to name them. When I realized that my kid was just as scared as always, I was ready to leave and get on with the rest of our stuff.
I can't really complain about the cigarette smoke because truthfully we didn't call ahead or anything. We just impulsively stopped, which is something I never do. However, I think my mom should shown me privately what was on the kitchen table if she really needed to share that badly. She should not have drawn my daughter into it. It wasn't appropriate. And really that is the problem with my mom a lot of the time. She doesn't understand what is "appropriate" and what isn't. Not just with my daughter, but in life in general. Sometimes she does understands and does what she wants anyway, other times she just has no clue.
So I'm not really sure how this ties into Al-Anon, except that examples like this one are reasons why I have to have strong boundaries with my mother, and why I could never let her watch my child unsupervised. She will never be a babysitter, I hope to God.
Monday, May 3, 2010
crap about my mother
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my mother asking for some jewelry to be returned to her. I couldn't find the jewelry and my mother was insistent that I had it.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The roller coaster ride
We had a 3-day weekend, one of those "Boston Holidays" on Monday. The weather was mixed, and our days filled up quickly. We took our daughter to an open house farm and she was less fearful than she has been in the past, we bought gardening supplies, and planted a small garden. Too soon maybe, but we are hopeful.
The last 2 weekends had been busy with Easter and other family things so we took the weekend off from visiting with friends and family for the most part. It was good to be on our own schedules.
So in the midst of this all my mother called and left a message demanding that I return my grandmother's jewelry that she had given me in September. Now, personally, I am still grieving. I have packed away whatever my mother gave me after my grandmother's death in various places. Some of it I can find easily, other stuff is more deeply buried. I guess the jewelry is buried. I looked for it in the places that were easily accessible and then on Monday night I called her back. She was not happy. I had not called her back fast enough, and the answer of "I don't know for certain that I have it, and if I do have it, I'm not sure I can put my hands on it very easily" was not pleasing to her.
Personally I think this is just another one of those control games that she plays all the time. It's a cry for attention. I hate these games and I don't want to play. She gave me stuff, it's mine. That should be the end of it, but I try to be nice. It's so hard. So the conversation continued until she used the "F" word and then I hung up. She called back, I hung up again immediately, she called again and then I let her apologize. I pointed out that Grandma's birthday is approaching and so is Mother's Day, and I imagine she is feeling some pain. This acknowledgment seemed to soothe things a bit, and she rambled on about other things. Mostly about how great my brother is to come over to her house and make her dinner occasionally. In September my mother and brother weren't speaking. They got angry with one another the night before the funeral and called it quits. It's interesting now that my brother is the "good kid" and I am the "selfish bitch". Oh wait, I'm always the "selfish bitch" and I let my kid watch too much tv, another pet peeve of hers.
Anyway, now I'm upset with her, and myself. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure what the right thing is. One thing I do know is that I won't be bringing my things to her house for a tag sale in a few weeks. Whatever I had hoped to sell will be given to charity instead. Although I could use the pocket money, especially with our insane medical bills this year, I need the sanity more.
The last 2 weekends had been busy with Easter and other family things so we took the weekend off from visiting with friends and family for the most part. It was good to be on our own schedules.
So in the midst of this all my mother called and left a message demanding that I return my grandmother's jewelry that she had given me in September. Now, personally, I am still grieving. I have packed away whatever my mother gave me after my grandmother's death in various places. Some of it I can find easily, other stuff is more deeply buried. I guess the jewelry is buried. I looked for it in the places that were easily accessible and then on Monday night I called her back. She was not happy. I had not called her back fast enough, and the answer of "I don't know for certain that I have it, and if I do have it, I'm not sure I can put my hands on it very easily" was not pleasing to her.
Personally I think this is just another one of those control games that she plays all the time. It's a cry for attention. I hate these games and I don't want to play. She gave me stuff, it's mine. That should be the end of it, but I try to be nice. It's so hard. So the conversation continued until she used the "F" word and then I hung up. She called back, I hung up again immediately, she called again and then I let her apologize. I pointed out that Grandma's birthday is approaching and so is Mother's Day, and I imagine she is feeling some pain. This acknowledgment seemed to soothe things a bit, and she rambled on about other things. Mostly about how great my brother is to come over to her house and make her dinner occasionally. In September my mother and brother weren't speaking. They got angry with one another the night before the funeral and called it quits. It's interesting now that my brother is the "good kid" and I am the "selfish bitch". Oh wait, I'm always the "selfish bitch" and I let my kid watch too much tv, another pet peeve of hers.
Anyway, now I'm upset with her, and myself. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm not sure what the right thing is. One thing I do know is that I won't be bringing my things to her house for a tag sale in a few weeks. Whatever I had hoped to sell will be given to charity instead. Although I could use the pocket money, especially with our insane medical bills this year, I need the sanity more.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I'm so behind... I should be reading instead of writing
Wow, what a week! The kid kept me home on Tuesday because she was sick. The weather kept us all home yesterday- snow and rain. I'm guessing I'll be going home to a wet basement today because it hasn't stopped raining all day. Well maybe it HAS stopped by now. Still probably will be a mess at home.
Anyway... in the DUH! WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN DEPARTMENT-
I violated my own boundaries on Sunday by giving my mother a ride to the grocery store. I told myself that since I was alone and her apartment was on my way then it couldn't do any harm. I was wrong. I called her very last minute and she quickly agreed to go with me. We stopped at the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my daughter's prescriptions, then I got gas, and then we went to the grocery store. We did our shopping, and I brought her home. It wasn't until later that night that my husband found her shopping bag from the pharmacy in the car. In the haste of getting her groceries out, she had forgotten about the bag from the pharmacy. I called her the next morning to tell her we had found it. She said she wasn't worried about it and could get it anytime BUT..... and this is where I kick myself.... when I bring it over could she also have the rolodex that used to be my grandmother's, that she gave me back in September because she needs some addresses off of it. Um... I put grandma's stuff in bags and boxes and packed it away months ago. I'm not ready to look at it yet. I'm still grieving her loss. I was home for 2 extra days this week and I still didn't look for it. This is not the first time that she has asked for things back that were my grandmother's. If she didn't want me to have them, then why did she give them to me in the first place?? Because she didn't want the clutter probably. So now I have to dig through my piles when I have time and find this for her. I should learn not to do favors for her because there is always a price.
AND in the NOT LIVE AND LET LIVE DEPARTMENT-
Yeah, we are supposed to Live and Let Live, but I failed at that on Sunday. After I brought my mom home on Sunday, I came home with the groceries. My husband and daughter were just returning from a long walk. As I was bringing in the grocery bags I heard gun shots, and told my husband. He said "Well the neighbors had company and they were shooting with a rifle off the deck as we walked by"... UM??? A man was holding a rifle, aimed in your general direction, and you walked by??? I made him call the cops. The cops came, the visitors admitted to the crime, and the cops took the rifle away. I'm not sure what will happen next. Maybe I should have just thanked my HP that my husband and daughter made it home safely and left it at that, but I couldn't. I was too shocked and angry at the whole situation. If I had been walking with them I probably would have raised holy hell, so we're all grateful that I wasn't there. Not smart to start a fight with someone with a gun when you don't have one yourself after all. Anyway, we'll see what happens next.
Anyway... in the DUH! WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN DEPARTMENT-
I violated my own boundaries on Sunday by giving my mother a ride to the grocery store. I told myself that since I was alone and her apartment was on my way then it couldn't do any harm. I was wrong. I called her very last minute and she quickly agreed to go with me. We stopped at the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my daughter's prescriptions, then I got gas, and then we went to the grocery store. We did our shopping, and I brought her home. It wasn't until later that night that my husband found her shopping bag from the pharmacy in the car. In the haste of getting her groceries out, she had forgotten about the bag from the pharmacy. I called her the next morning to tell her we had found it. She said she wasn't worried about it and could get it anytime BUT..... and this is where I kick myself.... when I bring it over could she also have the rolodex that used to be my grandmother's, that she gave me back in September because she needs some addresses off of it. Um... I put grandma's stuff in bags and boxes and packed it away months ago. I'm not ready to look at it yet. I'm still grieving her loss. I was home for 2 extra days this week and I still didn't look for it. This is not the first time that she has asked for things back that were my grandmother's. If she didn't want me to have them, then why did she give them to me in the first place?? Because she didn't want the clutter probably. So now I have to dig through my piles when I have time and find this for her. I should learn not to do favors for her because there is always a price.
AND in the NOT LIVE AND LET LIVE DEPARTMENT-
Yeah, we are supposed to Live and Let Live, but I failed at that on Sunday. After I brought my mom home on Sunday, I came home with the groceries. My husband and daughter were just returning from a long walk. As I was bringing in the grocery bags I heard gun shots, and told my husband. He said "Well the neighbors had company and they were shooting with a rifle off the deck as we walked by"... UM??? A man was holding a rifle, aimed in your general direction, and you walked by??? I made him call the cops. The cops came, the visitors admitted to the crime, and the cops took the rifle away. I'm not sure what will happen next. Maybe I should have just thanked my HP that my husband and daughter made it home safely and left it at that, but I couldn't. I was too shocked and angry at the whole situation. If I had been walking with them I probably would have raised holy hell, so we're all grateful that I wasn't there. Not smart to start a fight with someone with a gun when you don't have one yourself after all. Anyway, we'll see what happens next.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Boundaries again
I managed to carve out 10 minutes to call my mom last night. I thanked her for the apple orchard idea and told her of our adventures with my father-in-law. She started in the "I haven't seen you in so long" stuff, and I told her the truth, well some of it anyway. I told her that after being long distance for 7 years she shouldn't just expect us to suddenly be close. We have lives, we have things to do, and yeah, I'm tired. I've been busy for the past week, haven't done grocery shopping yet, etc. I'm not ready to run over to her apartment. She said something about having Abby come over and make cookies or something. I pleaded to her to not push because I'd give her a negative answer in my current mood.
The thing is.. she's never going to "get it". She's never going to understand that even if she isn't smoking, there is enough smoke smell in her apartment to trigger an asthma attack for me and for my kid. I don't feel like bringing my daughter over there. It's not healthy for her. My kid is on enough meds as it is for asthma and allergy problems, I'm not going to purposely bring her into that apartment just to visit. I did it a couple of times when my mom first moved up here in July, but it was summer, we could have windows and doors open. Now it's cold out. It's not an option anymore. My mom has mobility issues so going somewhere like we did with my father-in-law really isn't an option for her either. I feel badly for my mom. She's up here, she's lonely, she's trying to be part of our lives, and I've got good reasons to reject her. Trying to find a way for her to have a relationship with us is very tricky. My husband wants nothing to do with her, and I don't blame him. I don't think I should force him to either. I'm not sure what to do about my daughter. On the one hand, she has a right to get to know her maternal grandmother, on the other hand her grandmother is sick on so many levels.
What to do? What to do? I keep giving it up in prayer and meditation to my higher power, but I'm not getting answers very quickly. Sigh.
Meanwhile there is a missing 6 year old in Colorado somewhere. Guess my life could be worse. Perspective.
The thing is.. she's never going to "get it". She's never going to understand that even if she isn't smoking, there is enough smoke smell in her apartment to trigger an asthma attack for me and for my kid. I don't feel like bringing my daughter over there. It's not healthy for her. My kid is on enough meds as it is for asthma and allergy problems, I'm not going to purposely bring her into that apartment just to visit. I did it a couple of times when my mom first moved up here in July, but it was summer, we could have windows and doors open. Now it's cold out. It's not an option anymore. My mom has mobility issues so going somewhere like we did with my father-in-law really isn't an option for her either. I feel badly for my mom. She's up here, she's lonely, she's trying to be part of our lives, and I've got good reasons to reject her. Trying to find a way for her to have a relationship with us is very tricky. My husband wants nothing to do with her, and I don't blame him. I don't think I should force him to either. I'm not sure what to do about my daughter. On the one hand, she has a right to get to know her maternal grandmother, on the other hand her grandmother is sick on so many levels.
What to do? What to do? I keep giving it up in prayer and meditation to my higher power, but I'm not getting answers very quickly. Sigh.
Meanwhile there is a missing 6 year old in Colorado somewhere. Guess my life could be worse. Perspective.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Boundaries and love
I guess I'm struggling right now. I want to say some nice things to my mom but I'm also trying to maintain some boundaries. I'd like to thank her for her suggestion of visiting a certain apple orchard. We went where she recommended, and we had fun. I'd like to tell her that I saw a friend of hers while we were out too. However, if I call her on the phone I know I'm going to have to listen to more of her drama. I know that I'll get a guilt trip for not seeing her for the past month, and I'll get questioned about when I will get over there. And honestly, I'm still mad, probably will always be mad at her for the trouble she caused when my grandmother died. I pass my mother's apartment on weekends, but we do not stop. I thought about writing her a letter, but that's kind of odd, isn't it? She lives so close now. A free phone call would take 20 minutes of my time probably, but I just don't want to deal. Let's be clear... I don't want to listen. I just want to tell my side of the story and not listen to her side of things. Letters are great for that, but not phone calls. I'd like to express my gratitude to her, but it's so hard to do because I know her disease will get in the way. Another blogger mentioned that you should tell your loved ones all the time that you love them because you never know what will happen when you walk out the door. I believe that too. My husband and my daughter and I are always very good about sharing our love, but it's harder with my mom. As the holidays get closer this issue with boundaries is going to be harder and harder to deal with. So today I'm feeling stuck.
Monday, October 5, 2009
It's a 24/7 thing!
Some people go to church for an hour on Sunday, call themselves "Christian" and then act in ways that are very unChristian the rest of the week. I remember calling my father out on this once when I was a kid. Sunday morning was church and Sunday school, and Sunday afternoon he was swearing. I knew that wasn't right. Swearing is kind of minor though, right? And he probably had a reason for it.
Many, many years ago I used to date a guy who I ended up working with. We both worked in human services, and once we took our client on vacation. We were working 24/7 for a week, even if we weren't always technically getting paid, we were still on the job. Once I caught my boyfriend early in the morning in a cranky mood. I was shocked. I didn't realize that he had an "on/off switch" regarding our client. I thought his upbeat personality was natural and easy. I didn't realize he was faking it for the job. I learned that week though. It was tough on both of us to be "on" 24/7, but we made it.
But where I'm going with this is that Al-Anon isn't just for when I am at the meeting, or when I'm reading the book, or when I'm interacting with the alcoholics and addicts in my life. It's 24/7. I need to always be practicing my program, and that means at 4am or 5am or 6am, when my 3 year old wakes me up, I need to use my program.
I didn't use profanity, but I wasn't at all compassionate for the kid either. Apologies won't help. She's not going to understand that even though mommy is a light sleeper anyway, trying to be reasonable with me at that hour is nearly impossible. She's only 3. She doesn't need to understand or have compassion for me. It's my job to understand and have compassion for her. I'm the parent, she's the kid, that's the way it is. Next time I'll try to do better. Nobody's perfect, and excuses and apologies can't undo the hurt from my words. When I'm awake at those hours I do not want to be bothered, period, but she's a kid. She's not an adult, she's got a free pass to ignore those boundaries of mine. She woke up, she needed a parent, and I should have been nicer. Next time I hope I am.
Many, many years ago I used to date a guy who I ended up working with. We both worked in human services, and once we took our client on vacation. We were working 24/7 for a week, even if we weren't always technically getting paid, we were still on the job. Once I caught my boyfriend early in the morning in a cranky mood. I was shocked. I didn't realize that he had an "on/off switch" regarding our client. I thought his upbeat personality was natural and easy. I didn't realize he was faking it for the job. I learned that week though. It was tough on both of us to be "on" 24/7, but we made it.
But where I'm going with this is that Al-Anon isn't just for when I am at the meeting, or when I'm reading the book, or when I'm interacting with the alcoholics and addicts in my life. It's 24/7. I need to always be practicing my program, and that means at 4am or 5am or 6am, when my 3 year old wakes me up, I need to use my program.
I didn't use profanity, but I wasn't at all compassionate for the kid either. Apologies won't help. She's not going to understand that even though mommy is a light sleeper anyway, trying to be reasonable with me at that hour is nearly impossible. She's only 3. She doesn't need to understand or have compassion for me. It's my job to understand and have compassion for her. I'm the parent, she's the kid, that's the way it is. Next time I'll try to do better. Nobody's perfect, and excuses and apologies can't undo the hurt from my words. When I'm awake at those hours I do not want to be bothered, period, but she's a kid. She's not an adult, she's got a free pass to ignore those boundaries of mine. She woke up, she needed a parent, and I should have been nicer. Next time I hope I am.
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