just checking in

It's been about 3 weeks since my last blog post here. So let me tell you what is happening.

I wrote that post here, there, and everywhere. Then I submitted it to a group blog called "Band Back Together" (http://www.bandbacktogether.com)which has a lot of mental health, recovery, and other survivor type stuff on it. They accept submissions but then they edit them and choose when to publish them. So I submitted, and then waited..and then I saw that it was being reviewed and edited... and now I have a date. It will be published on November 8th. The editor emailed me with the news and after some back and forth she said I was a "good writer" and that she didn't have to edit much. Really what she did is add some formatting for emphasis, like adding italics and things like that. She said she could have put it up for publication sooner but it was so good that she wanted to put it in a PRIME TIME. Oh.... :-)

She got me in the ego. Yup! Loved hearing that. So that was really nice.

The scales have been smiling for the last couple of weeks too. I dropped a couple of pounds, and a co-worker complimented me on my weight loss and my new jeans. Sweet!!

Feeling good about yourself is not a crime, just in case you ACOAs need a reminder. I am not a selfish person for feeling good about my accomplishments. I have worked for a long time, and I have worked hard to lose weight and to be a good writer. I did not do these things overnight. They have taken effort.

Now I am taking a couple of more steps.

First of all I have slowly been building a following on Twitter. I am not in a hurry to build myself but I am determined to do it. Twitter is helping me to find my voice. It is helping me to figure out what is important to me and figure out what my opinions are. Like many ACOAs I have not really felt like I had a voice most of my life. Twitter is really helping me to define myself. There is a site called Klout, www.klout.com, which identifies how much influence you have, and what topics you seem to know about. I find this very helpful too.

Second, I am joining NaNoWriMo which is just insane. NaNoWriMo is the idea of National Novel Writing Month... somehow I am supposed to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. Yeah, right. Wish me luck!

Suicide or accidental death

One of the student workers died this week. I just got the news today. I also knew some friends outside of work who knew her. The whole story isn't out yet but it sounds like she overdosed on prescription medication. Whether it was accidental or on purpose I am not sure. Speculation is on both sides, and it doesn't really matter because the outcome is the same. The young woman had lost her boyfriend a month or so before when he committed suicide so I am sure she was depressed.

Whenever I hear a story like this it reminds me of those times when I have been down myself. I have attempted suicide more than once but it seems like a lifetime ago now. Whenever a doctor asks me if I've been that depressed I lie and say no because it really does feel like a different life since I met my husband. Still today I am remembering standing on the wrong side of the bridge that goes over the river, and swallowing too many pills. The pills didn't do what I wanted them to do, obviously, and I chickened out on the bridge thankfully.

Somewhere, somehow, a higher power had a different plan for me. I am grateful for that today. "There but for the grace of God go I..." as the saying goes. Today I may not always have serenity but I do have gratitude.

My heart goes out to the family, friends, and coworkers who have lost one or two friends this summer too.

Depression is winning

Well in spite of TRYING to THINK POSITIVE, I feel like fatigue and depression are winning. The other night I had a very intense nightmare about an abusive ex-boyfriend coming back in my life and trying to harm my daughter and myself. My husband was in the dream, but he wasn't able to save us from this horrible man. It was a pretty vivid dream, and I woke up crying and upset.

I've been married for almost 7 years, and started dating my husband in 2002. He's a very good man, and not an addict etc. He has never hurt me. Why am I still having dreams like this? Is this what PTSD looks like? Or should I just shrug it off, no big deal?

This morning I am asking myself questions about identity. How do I want to define myself? Am I a "survivor" or a "victim" or "just another anonymous soul" or just "me"? I don't like asking myself questions about who I am. It makes me feel uneasy. How big or small is "recovery" in my life? Does it define me? Or do I not work hard enough?

Enough! I say. I applied my program to dealing with my daughter this morning, but not until after I had tried it the other way and seen it fail. Next time maybe I'll remember to apply it first instead of suffering the frustration of the failure.