just checking in

It's been about 3 weeks since my last blog post here. So let me tell you what is happening.

I wrote that post here, there, and everywhere. Then I submitted it to a group blog called "Band Back Together" (http://www.bandbacktogether.com)which has a lot of mental health, recovery, and other survivor type stuff on it. They accept submissions but then they edit them and choose when to publish them. So I submitted, and then waited..and then I saw that it was being reviewed and edited... and now I have a date. It will be published on November 8th. The editor emailed me with the news and after some back and forth she said I was a "good writer" and that she didn't have to edit much. Really what she did is add some formatting for emphasis, like adding italics and things like that. She said she could have put it up for publication sooner but it was so good that she wanted to put it in a PRIME TIME. Oh.... :-)

She got me in the ego. Yup! Loved hearing that. So that was really nice.

The scales have been smiling for the last couple of weeks too. I dropped a couple of pounds, and a co-worker complimented me on my weight loss and my new jeans. Sweet!!

Feeling good about yourself is not a crime, just in case you ACOAs need a reminder. I am not a selfish person for feeling good about my accomplishments. I have worked for a long time, and I have worked hard to lose weight and to be a good writer. I did not do these things overnight. They have taken effort.

Now I am taking a couple of more steps.

First of all I have slowly been building a following on Twitter. I am not in a hurry to build myself but I am determined to do it. Twitter is helping me to find my voice. It is helping me to figure out what is important to me and figure out what my opinions are. Like many ACOAs I have not really felt like I had a voice most of my life. Twitter is really helping me to define myself. There is a site called Klout, www.klout.com, which identifies how much influence you have, and what topics you seem to know about. I find this very helpful too.

Second, I am joining NaNoWriMo which is just insane. NaNoWriMo is the idea of National Novel Writing Month... somehow I am supposed to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. Yeah, right. Wish me luck!

More on finding my former foster siblings

I posted this somewhere else but I thought I would share it here too..

It's Mental Health Awareness week. Did you know that?

My mother is an alcoholic. I can say that now. When I was growing up it wasn't allowed. She's been married and divorced 3 times and has been "single" now for many, many years although she almost always has a boyfriend around somewhere. She can't stand to be "alone".

When I was growing up she was married to my step-father (now ex-step-father) for a few years. During that time they tried to have kids but my mom kept having miscarriages. So they decided to do foster care. We got a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. My parents still wanted a baby though so when I was 9 years old (3 years later) they got a 3-month old baby boy who they eventually adopted.

The foster kids stayed with us for 4 years. During that time my mother abused the girl. When the social workers finally caught on to the abuse the kids were pulled out of our home immediately. I pretty much never saw them again.

Flash forward 30 years. Last week I found their names on Facebook. They were connected to a friend of a friend.. the girl has changed her name thanks to adoption and marriage. The boy has also changed his name because of adoption. However after figuring out what I could I solved the puzzle.

So after 30 years we are getting the chance to catch up. My mother is in Florida and I haven't told her. I might soon, but so far I haven't. My adopted brother is 31 years old now, and still in touch with my mother and my step-father. He doesn't remember the foster kids at all I think since he was only an infant when it all happened. He's 9 years younger than me so he had a different experience with this all.

Still I think what is amazing is that I think the girl thought she was the only one to be abused, and while I knew that my mother hit her once I did not know much of the other stuff. The words that come into my head are "You are not alone." I think we both thought we were alone on this, and turns out we weren't.

Many ACOAs feel they are alone. I know as a kid I wanted nothing to do with group therapy because I didn't honestly believe that anyone else had a crazy mother like I do. I know better now, and sadly I have heard stories far worse than ours as the years have gone by. Still.. it's a good thing. Very traumatic, but a good thing.

I've done a lot of writing in the past week, and this is more of it. I think writing it down helps make it real, and helps me process what can best be described as "grief".

Thanks for reading my story.

confused

Yesterday I had the chance to make amends. I am still blown away by how welcoming and calm this woman was. She "forgave me" easily because she was never really upset with me to begin with. My mother is the one who harmed her, and I will not defend my mother's actions one bit. So the tears keep coming. I feel like I am maybe experiencing some PTSD. Since I work in a library it was easy for me to go up to the stacks today and browse. I went through the ACOA stuff again, and picked up familiar books and then put them back again. Then I went to the non-fiction stacks and picked up some books at random. I found myself led to a few and then others I just let find me.

Later today I will see my doctor about my asthma. I am confused whether I should mention the PTSD or not. On the one hand I feel like Al-Anon has giving me the tools to cope with these flashbacks, but on the other hand I am not sure of my own stability. I also worry a little about the "what ifs"... what if something bad happened in my life and I lost my balance. Would I end up back in that horrible place in my head? Even though I feel like I do a good job of staying in the present, it seems like I was pulled back into the past pretty easily.. well maybe not so easily. That was a pretty well buried skeleton that just got pulled out of the closet.

So today I am going in circles. Trying to use my Al-Anon tools to cope with my PTSD and all the ACOA stuff. I am also reminded of the FOG that I think I blogged about some time ago.. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt... I am never really free of the FOG I guess. I just somehow MANAGE it, and cope with it as best as I can.

Something from the ACOA site

I said something yesterday, quoted it actually, and I'm going to repeat it here:

"Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery."

http://www.adultchildren.org/ 
-------------------

Now I've been meditating on this a bit. We are all God's children, or children of the universe, or however we choose to define it. I have heard often the expression "Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad!"  But we don't seem to have an equivalent for mothers, do we? I haven't heard it.

So this person who gave birth to me, and who has abused me for nearly 40 years is my biological mother. I have never had a "step-mother", although I've wanted one. She is the only "mother" I've known. However if I remember that we are all "God's children" then maybe that will help me to detach, to let go of that fear of abandonment.

okay, that's it. Just a quick one for now.

"Broken Promises, Mended Fences" by Richard Meryman

Feeling a little stuck on what to post about today, so I wandered the book stacks in the university library. I know where to find the AA books and that's where I went. I came across this book called "Broken Promises, Mended Fences" by Richard Meryman. It's a good book. Looks like no one has checked it out from the library in a long, long time. Copyright says 1984, but it covers a classic topic and seemed timeless when I read it. I am not going to check out the library copy, but I might pick up a copy on Amazon. Used copies are cheap. It's about recovery, alcoholics, an alcoholic mother, etc... living with the disease of alcoholism. And it's true, a real story, with real people.

The reviews on Amazon say this--

"By A Customer
This is not a book about Alcoholism. It is a book about Recovery. The true story of Abby Andrews is a unique and moving testament of hope ... an inspiring account of one woman's struggle for her life - and of her family's loyalty and overriding love - in her fight against alcohol dependency. Sometimes shocking, often exhilarating, it is the vivid odyssey of Aby's painful ascent from her own private hell to the small daily triumphs of recovery...
Comment Comment | Permalink | Was this review helpful to you? Yes No (Report this)


3.0 out of 5 stars Life Without Alcohol..., February 3, 2007
By Betty Burks "Betty Burks" (Knoxville, TN) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Broken Promises (Paperback)
This book about recovery from alcoholism appealed to me as someone I value is such a drinker and I wish he would seek help. Life without alcohol isn't dull like your senses are if you drink even locally made beer. It is not dark and gloomy. With clear thinking and not a befuddled mind, the recovered alcoholic will see that the world can be beautiful, people are better-looking (you can learn a lot by people-watching on the buses when you're alert and interested), and you can hold your head up and actually smile back. Some people will talk to you when you do that. This person I knows pretends to listen but his senses are dulled by a hangover, and he ofttimes doesn't even remember seeing you at all. He certainly can't remember what you said and gets on the defensive.

This story about Abby, a woman with alcohol problems, is truthful (not opinions) even though it sometimes hurts to admit the truth. Thoose addicted to any kind of drug can identify and receive hope that, with help from professionals, they too can lead a normal life. Throughout life, you will be the recipient of many broken promises; the longer you life, they multiply because older people still have hopes for love and affection. They're more vunerable to con men after their money, and the majority have no savings and must depend on government aid just to have a place to live. They're not like the homeless who want everything given to them. The poor elderly desire help from their successful children who lead a good life. Sons are too busy to visit, to help with health needs, to just "be there" for you.

Mended dreams is possible for anyone who will look for them. Life takes us in different directions and anyone can learn new skills such as expression, public speaking, networking, dreaming for reality fulfillment, as you concentrate on raising your children. Everyone dreams of glory, but not through the child's successes, in life to make it worth living. All we can do at times is keep up the good fight; something will come along eventually to make us see that what we did in all of life's seasons led us to victory over Satan's efforts to fool us into isolation from the world. Mended Dreams come to you without seeking help in a doctor's office. God in His Mysterious Ways works wonders for those who believe. "

Here's a link in case you are thinking about getting a copy for yourself, and if Better World Books has it, I recommend them. Great cause to support.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316567841/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=

If that doesn't work, try this one--

http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Promises-Richard-Meryman/dp/0425092933/ref=tmm_pap_title_sr

From "Hope for Today"

Today's reading in "Hope for Today" talks about the Al-Anon slogan of "How important is it?" The writer talks about growing up with an alcoholic mother and striving for perfection. I can completely relate to the piece. If I were to pour orange juice into my coffee, I would not laugh it off. I would wonder if I had Alzheimers' Disease or something. I am constantly apologizing for things that are not my fault. Or I used to anyway. I've gotten a lot better about the apologizing part.

Today I wasn't sure if I was going to have time to do my blog entries, and I was kind of upset about it. Even though I'm not even sure if anyone even reads this blog, except maybe Arlene when she's not too busy, I was still mad at myself. I had made a pledge to myself to blog 5 days/week, and I didn't want to break that for no good reason. Grandma dieing was a good reason, but today would have just been because I didn't feel like it, and that wasn't good enough.

How is important is it though? Hmm....

I'm back, and discovered "Prayer Girl" and more

I just discovered Prayer Girl's blog, and she quoted something I had just read in one of my Al-Anon books. She said :
"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to
avoid reacting to what other people say and do."
(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" , Sept. 15, p. 259)

This is perfect for me right now. I had to practice this last week with my family. As I said in my last post, my maternal grandmother passed away and I knew I'd be putting my Al-Anon tools to the test. I don't want to give you all an hour-by-hour rundown of my last week, but I will give you a highlight that I haven't shared with many.

My mother is still actively drinking, I'm pretty sure. My brother has his addictions too, not sure what they are, but I'm pretty sure they are there. So... the funeral was set for Friday. My brother and I were both to be pallbearers.

I worked on Tuesday, and spent all day on Wednesday with my mother. On Thursday I still hadn't purchased shoes so I told my mom I'd be over to her house as soon as I found some. I have big feet so this isn't an easy task. One saleslady told me I was a "specialty size" and she wasn't very nice about it. Anyway, it took a while, and traffic wasn't on my side. I finally got to my mom's apartment around 2pm. I left her at 4pm, to go get my daughter from preschool and my husband at work since we only have one car.

My mother told me that she wanted my brother at her house at 5pm on Thursday, not because she needed him there, but because she was afraid if he didn't show up that he would blow off the funeral on Friday morning. Sometime between 4pm and 6pm, my mother and my brother had a big fight. When I got home at 6pm, with my daughter and my husband, there was a message on my answering machine full of 4-letter words that I did not want my 3-year old to hear. I took the phone outside and called my mother back, and calmly told her that while it was okay to talk to me like that in private, it was not okay to leave that kind of message on the machine. She was already on fire, and didn't like the fact that I wasn't responding to the actual message itself. She told me that if my brother showed up at the funeral she would kill him. Then she said she just wouldn't go to the funeral herself, it would be better that way somehow. I stayed calm. I didn't call her back. I asked my husband for some guidance and he said "Let it sit. It's between the two of them." Of course he was right. So I didn't react. We made dinner, and did our stuff, and I waited for the phone to ring. It didn't. We stayed calm.

The next morning the three of us headed out for the funeral. We passed my mother's apartment on the way and knew she hadn't left yet. I wondered if she was coming, but I didn't stop to ask. We needed coffee and breakfast and I knew there would be a line at the Dunkin drive-thru when we got there. So we went on. We got to the funeral home before my mother did, but she did show up. My brother did not. People asked where he was, and I explained that my mother had fueled the fire and it was between them. Myself and 3 of my cousins carried the casket with the help of 2 men from the funeral home. I sat next to my mom during the funeral, but we didn't hold hands. We did what we needed to do. At the reception afterward, I visited with my relatives, and talked to my dad. My mother made the rounds too.

When I got home later in the afternoon I called my brother's father to see if he had heard anything, and he hadn't. I let him know that I was not mad at my brother for being absent, and I explained what I thought had happened. On Monday I sent my brother a note, and we had a few messages back and forth. I told him that I loved him always, and knew that he was just avoiding our toxic mother. I also told him that if he had shown up, he would not have been dragged away by the police or hurt one bit by our mother. I had his back, and so did everyone else. We are all familiar with my mother and her moods. He would not have had to deal with her alone.

I am sad my brother missed the funeral, and I do blame my mother for that. However, it's done and I have to let it go. I am proud of myself for defending him, and letting it be known that it wasn't him being irresponsible that caused his absence, but rather my mother's desire to try to control her 29 year old son who did not want to be controlled. I hope I used my tools well, and did the right thing. If not, I just have to let it go. It's done.

Rest in Peace Grandma. May Faith always be with me.

I'm confused about this blog

Okay this isn't a really on-topic I admit. I'm wondering why this blog isn't showing up when I do searches. I think I have my settings set correctly, but for some reason it's invisible in Google Blog Search, and I'm not sure why. I want it to show up in searches for Al-Anon, ACOA, and recovery things, but it's not. Any clues?