My neighbor died

My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.

I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.

During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.

Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.

Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.

It's so sad to watch it happening....

I have known it was going to be like this, sort of, for a long time. My mother has been an addict for so long. My grandmother always bailed her out. My grandmother gave her money, gave her cars, pretended not to hear about the arrests and all the bad news... a lot of times of course my mother didn't give her the bad news. My grandmother needed to be "protected" because too much bad news would .. anyway... my grandmother is gone now, has been for over a year. So here I am watching this unfold sort of... my mom has a brother who is a few years older than her. He has fought his own addictions but he has lived a married life, raised 3 children, has stayed "stable" in spite of whatever demons he was fighting. My mother meanwhile did not stay in one place and ... well I was reading a description the other day and I thought it fit her pretty well....it was a description of antisocial personality disorder. Now my mother is a pretty social person however she is also a star at manipulation and can have charisma when she chooses to turn it on. She knows how to get what she wants, how to play all the games, and how to lie, cheat, and steal to meet her goals.

So where am I going with this? Her enabler is gone (my grandmother) and my mother still has her diseases and disorders and is not going to get better. At Christmas she was trying to take it easy with the cigarettes because she wanted us to visit us, but when I saw her New Years Day she admitted that she'd had a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes on New Years eve. Not that she needed to confess to me or anything she ws just telling me that she was feeling wrecked and hung-over I think.

Now she is trying to figure out where to live again. She never stays anywhere for more than a year or two and the process of relocating is a constant stress in her life. Her apartment didn't pass Section 8 inspection and she's not sure if the landlord is motivated to try to get it to pass so one way or another she will have to move. The question of course will be "where?" I am not giving any opinions. She seems happier in Florida. She likes the weather there. Okay, maybe I am giving an opinion.. she should go where she is happy. I do not know what will happen to her there though. I fear that I am going to get a phone call from a police officer or a doctor... she'll be in jail or in a hospital... and then what? Will I bail her out? I think she knows better than that. Still it's hard to watch. I hope she doesn't become homeless. That would be really, really tough. No one wants that for their loved one. It seemed like she was on the verge of that a few years ago when she almost got busted for drugs. I forget what magic she worked to get out of it. I think she plead down to a lower charge or something. She never did tell me the full story. Anyway, it's sad.

I was hoping that she'd grow up some day. That some day she'd be the adult, be responsible, and beat her addictions. She's 60 now and it's obvious to me that it's never going to happen. Both her parents are gone, her brother has fought cancer, she's a grandmother herself, and none of that matters to her. She still lives the life of addict who doesn't want help. It's hard to explain to my preschooler.

I really have to let go and let HP work because I am powerless and I know it. It still hurts to see it though. I wish I could wake her up and change her and yet I know I never can.

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I just want to put my head down and cry

I have felt like this all day. I just want to put my head down and cry. I am so tired of ... everything. Every day we battle with the 4-year old to get her ready for school in the morning. Every morning she nags us about wanting more toys and not wanting to go to school. Every morning it is the same old battle. Yesterday she was on my case because I was trying to do some exercises while she was talking to me. I'm sorry kid, but I am trying to lose weight and I barely have time to go to the bathroom by myself, much less workout. I have to do this stuff sometime. Geez....

My husband's birthday is approaching and not every day, but often I hear about the things he would like to get for his birthday. None of them are cheap. Every day I look at the yard that is a mess. Every day I look at the bathroom that is "not quite finished". Every day I hold my tongue and try not to voice all that is inside me about how I feel about these things. Then he says "Maybe I could build a doll house for Christmas..." Um... honey? Seriously? When would she get that? 2011??? I can't say that though. I just nod and smile for now. When we get closer I can see what he is really thinking.

My mother called yesterday and she never leaves just one message, she always leaves 2. I was reaching for something to eat before the second message even began. Dumb! I stopped myself. After all these years she still drives me to eat, even a message on the machine. My own doing I know, but still it gets to me.

We have a busy weekend ahead, and possibly a busy week beyond that. Meanwhile my 40 free hours on Pandora have run out, and I am having trouble finding music I like to fill the last hour of my Friday afternoon at work. Bureaucracy has left me many times feeling like I should be slamming my head against a wall lately. How am I going to survive the next 20 years here??? I don't know. I can only hope to hang on, somehow, some way.

Sigh. Even though I sleep when I should, and exercise, I still feel like just putting my head down and crying myself to sleep. I can't though. It's only 4:15pm.

Be well bloggerville.

Tari