close call

My last post was almost six months ago here. It's funny how time slips by but really it's true I haven't had much to say. We didn't visit my mother this summer, or my father-in-law in another state. We stayed with ourselves doing things for just the three of us. It was easier that way.

Recently my mom had a health issue that was worse than originally thought. The end result was a surgery which was scheduled for this past Monday. I offered to visit repeatedly and she said no, don't come. I respected that and stayed in my corner of the world. The day before the surgery it dawned on her how serious this might be. She still didn't want me nearby though so we stayed in touch by phone. I got the hospital numbers and the number for the doctor and on Monday I made calls and held my breath. The surgery went long and recovery went long. She made it to ICU though and then stayed there extra long. She's out of ICU now and still in the hospital. She wants to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will happen. In the hospital they've discovered other things that maybe hadn't been noticed before. I'm not sure what will be decided. All I can do is call and listen to the nurses and listen to her and wait.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It feels like we came very close this week. My suitcase has been sitting nearby. I've got it half packed. I've got my credit card and AAA card and all of that. My husband and daughter know that on a dime I may have to leave town. Just waiting for that call.

And then instead last night a friend of mine who lives less than 2 hours from my mom... she came home and found her husband passed away. I'm just shocked. It's not fair. There was no warning.

I've been waiting for years, and especially this week, but instead this. There is no justice and even though the two events are not connected to each other at all I feel it. Not rational I know but real to me. So shocked and unfair.

Other things are going on too. Things I have more control over and I'm just on edge waiting for some kind of release. I hope when my mom gets home I can cry. I need to release that but honestly I'm not sure if she'll go home. I won't know until they tell me what's next.

Just taking it one day at a time and riding this roller coaster ride whether I want to or not. I'm trying to be detached but I'm failing. I'm pulled in because I still love her and I know this is serious stuff.

I am trying, trying, trying to Let Go and Let God. It's all I can do.

Update on Mom & family

Oops! I let February and March go by without posting after promising to get back on track. I'm sorry dear readers.

In January I posted that my mom spent New Years in the hospital, well she just spent Easter in the hospital as well. She fell down and broke a couple things and needed surgery on Easter morning. There was some question as to whether they would do the surgery because of her heart condition but they decided to go forward.

I want to get away from the details of her health though. Al-Anon teaches us to focus on ourselves, not on others. It scared me that she fell while in the process of trying to start her moped/scooter. She was trying to drive. I'm not sure she'll be driving anything again. I can certainly hope for that anyway. I'm still talking about mom, aren't I? Well I'm getting there.

One of my fears over my lifetime is that she would go to jail for her crimes. This current stint in the hospital is giving me hope that maybe that won't be the case. How much trouble can she get in if she loses her ability to drive? While it will pain her mentally, it gives me some peace of mind to see her confined somewhat.

I am struggling with guilt and obligation right now. Trying to weigh whether I should visit or not. Visiting isn't just a drive across town. It's a significant investment of time, money, and energy. Right now my thinking is that I will wait it out and maybe visit when she's back in her apartment again unless I need to go down sooner for a legal obligation or something. It's not that I lack compassion, I'm just not sure I can be of use.

I've said to my friends recently that my husband and I are entering that sandwich period in life where we are still raising a child and also being faced with our parents being more needy. What do they each need? How can we be there for them without being in the way? These are questions we are asking ourselves. How to be a parent to our parents without insulting our parents is not easy stuff. We're just starting to navigate those waters I think.

When a parent passes away the lines are clearly defined as to what needs doing, but when a parent is in "ill health" it can be a little tricky deciding when to drop everything to get to his/her side. We have another parent who is telling us not to visit but isn't well either. I think we are wanted, but the words we are hearing tell us otherwise. For us to go and visit would be disrespectful I think so we are holding off. If they lived somewhere that was convenient we might get away with saying we were in the neighborhood, but that isn't the case. I do hope we can see them this summer though, somehow. Again, negotiating all of that FOG and also being aware that our parents are getting older, and our time left together is getting smaller.

As the snow melts and school vacations approach I am full of worry and wonder about what the coming months will bring.

Trying to get back on track

I was reading another person's Al-Anon blog and happened to look over to the sidebar see my Tari's Steps blog listed. Saw that I had not updated in over a year!! Ooops!

So I am going to try to get back on track with posting here. One thing that has held me back is that I feel less anonymous than I did when I first started this thing and I am worried that people who know me, or maybe even people who don't know me, will judge me in some way. I need to let that go. I can't let other people's opinions of me hold me back. Right?

So here we go.... a year plus 2 months has passed since I last wrote. What's happened? Not much is new. My mom is still sick, I am still dealing with boundary issues with my family, and life goes on. I'll give you the update though.

My mother's weight is down to under 100 pounds. Last I heard she was at 96. She spent several hours of New Years in the hospital with chest pains but ultimately walked out in frustration. Her heart is weak. She's still drinking and she's on at least a dozen prescriptions for various things and seeing a variety of doctors. She believes she's had some mini-strokes as well. She'll be 65 in a couple of months.

My brother got in touch with me on Facebook and we seemed to be connecting. He was due to be a father for the 6th time, and I imagine the baby may even have been born by now. When he asked me to contact mom and say "thank you" for him I refused. He's in his 30s and I think he is old enough to say "thank you" himself. If he can't then maybe he should return the gift. So he responded by blocking me out of his life. I guess I should call someone and find out if my youngest niece or nephew has been born yet. I think it was a niece they were expecting.

Meanwhile my home life goes on. I get older, I get heavier, and my daughter pushes on with elementary school growing as kids do. My husband has had some health scares and I've done my best to apply what I've learned in Al-Anon to those scares as well. I need to work hard to let things go and to take things one day at a time sometimes. I can't fix it all. I can only take care of what is mine to take care of.

And so life goes on. Again, I'll try to be better this year, in 2015, about keeping up with things.

Roller coaster week and my mother's not even in it

It's been a roller coaster of a week for me. I don't know if it's PMS, depression, or what. The week started with a real "bleha...." I don't like my job right now. Okay, who does? My husband HATES his job. So I guess he's got it worse than me. Then I went up to a nice "hey, I can take Thursday off and have fun!" And I did! I kept my daughter out of school and we went to a big park with lots to do, and met with friends old and new. I got to see an old high school classmate, and spent some time chatting with her, and then later a friend who I've known only online caught up with us, with her 2 kids. Her daughter and my daughter really hit it off, and became instant friends. So that was great too. Then we came back to reality, tired and hot from the sun. Met up with my husband who told us he'd been sick that day and taken himself to the doctor's office but not told anybody (like his boss!). This is the same old thing as before. I'm tired and frustrated, and not at my best to begin with. So I came crashing down from my high to his level. I tried to perk up by going out last night anyway, but I was just too tired and drained, so I turned around and came back home after giving my apologies to the people I was supposed to meet up with.

I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".

My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.

So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.

Coming out of my shell

Lots going on but how much of it matters? A cousin with cancer, a new kitchen appliance in our house, and my mother's cat died. Well, she had it put to sleep actually. Lots of things I could say about that I suppose. Last night I opened up my Al-Anon books for a while and meditated. Then I read a whole book of short stories. Who needs sleep, right? Too hot for sleep anyway. I refocused, came up with a new plan to try to get myself to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We'll see how it goes. "One Day at a Time" and "Keep it Simple Stupid". I feel more detached from my mother's loss than I feel I should be. That cat had been around for a long, long time. Still, it's probably for the best and I need to focus on myself, not on her. "Admitted that we were powerless..." and I'm reaching for the higher power of "my understanding". What if that higher power isn't the same as my husband's higher power? What do I do about that? How do I teach my child about a higher power when even my husband and I don't agree? Sigh. Let it Go. She'll figure it out too. We all do. In the meantime it's about 90 degrees outside so enjoy the sunshine.

Off-kilter

I've been quiet for the last few days, not being sure what to say, what to reveal, what to keep quiet about. Sometimes it's hard to know these things. Someone, actually more than one, some bloggers were posting recently about domestic violence. Someone said that not all violence is done by men. Sometimes women are the violent ones. I know this well. My mother was abusive, and still is, in many more ways than one.

One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.

On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.

Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.

Getting caught up again

Thank you Syd and others for reading and posting while I've been away! I just spent some time trying to get caught up on many of your blogs, and although I didn't comment, I did visit and tried to absorb what was there. I'm not a speed reader so there is only so much I can do. Thank you all for posting on your blogs and taking away some of the "alone feeling" that I get sometimes.

Today I had an event to attend across campus. I detoured on the way back to see an old friend who I had not seen in years. This campus is a big place, and we all get locked into our routines and our places. It wasn't easy to make that detour, but I was glad I did. It was nice to see a friendly face.


Today the kid went back to school, and we both got to go to work. I did miss her today, but it was nice to be in the old routines that we have. I'm looking forward to Easter, still scared on money, and wishing today was Friday. Aren't we all? The sun is out, and although the worries are there, I'm trying to think positive.


Be well all.

My health- update on checkup

I decided to just listen to the doctor and not make waves. I did ask her a couple of questions about my recent illness and she assured me that it happened very randomly. It wasn't a sign of age, stress, or poor diet. People of all ages get this illness, and unfortunately I can expect to continue to feel some pain for several months. If I'm not better by the end of May, then we can talk. The end of May seems pretty far away.

She ordered some lab tests, that I will probably get billed for thanks to the new health insurance deductibles that we have been hit with since February, but I didn't argue. I went back this morning after having fasted for my 12-14 hours, and did the blood test without complaining.

This afternoon my supervisor pointed out an error I'd made with some accounting work on Monday. It seems I mistook $8.47 and $8.97. I was unable to tell the 4 from a 9. Oops! My eyes are another issue. Not due to get those checked until June. I am considering a magnifying glass or something. I've already increased the font size on my home computers. Joy! I really am getting old, but I know I can't fight it. Just have to Let Go and Let HP and hope for the best.

back from our trip

The trip went as well as it could. No one likes being stuck in traffic when you are only a few miles from where you are going, and you've been stuck in the car for 2 hours. And a preschooler isn't going to nap, and is going to be cranky in the afternoons, and dinner is going to be a challenge. We knew that going into this, so it was no surprise to have those moments.
I enjoyed the hotel pool and the wireless internet and the hotel breakfasts. We were blessed with great weather, and got to the zoo before it got TOO crowded. We did miss connections with a friend of mine, but it was more her loss than ours. I knew my daughter wouldn't be much of a playmate under these conditions so I think it was for the best.
The trip home went better since we broke it up a bit and everyone had their happy memories to keep them company for the ride. I was surprised that we were all back to our usual stations- work and school- on Monday morning.

This afternoon I am going to see my regular doctor for a check-up. I have not been able to see her while I've been ill during the last few weeks so this will be her first look at me in quite some time. I am recovering from my illness, but it is still visible on my body. I am still taking some pain medication, although not as much as before. Depending on how rushed she is, it could be an interesting visit, or not. I've been trying to put together a list for her, but mostly I'm hoping that she will do the talking and ask the questions. I feel like everything I could say has been said before.

Medical stuff continued

I last posted on Wednesday, and on Friday I went back to the doctor. I got a prescription goo to put over the blisters. It took 3 pharmacies before we found one that actually realized that the script was wrong and called the Nurse Practitioner to get the right script written. After that, I went home and slept. I took the day off. On Saturday we celebrated my mother's 60th birthday and my daughter behaved well. On Sunday we celebrated my grandmother's 99th birthday- her actual birthday is tomorrow- but my daughter did not behave well, and neither did my pain. We all suffered through the rain and the event, and I was grateful to get home.

Today is Tuesday already, and after another sleepless night I called the doctor again this morning and said I was running out of the prescription pain pills. Do I need more or will this get better tonight or tomorrow? I hate asking for pain pills. Garnet posted about not wanting to order someone an MRI who might not need it. I'm not sure I want more prescription pills. I'd like to heal and be able to count on over the counter ibuprofen to be enough. I'm not sure it will be though, so I called. After work today I'll go back to the pharmacy. The nurse practitioner agreed to prescribe some more pills. Teresa posted about needing to get off the pity potty. I need to get off of my pity potty too. It's good to get some outside perspective, and I am trying to do that. I still hurt though, especially at night. On the bright side I am taking Friday off.

Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more

Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.

Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...

oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.

Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.

Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.

At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.

So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this.  I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.

Expectations

Once upon a time, in a lifetime or two or three ago... once long ago, I had an acquaintance, a friend of a friend... this acquaintance was quite smart, but also dull. A monotone voice that could remember and quote from a great number of sources, but this acquaintance just seemed "flat". I guess that's the best way to describe him. Our mutual friend told me once in hushed tones that the flatness was because of a certain prescription that the acquaintance was taking.

Flash forward to now, many lifetimes and many years later. My husband has just been given a prescription for that certain prescription. When he gave me the news, while I was driving, I listened and outwardly gave no sign of fear. Inwardly though I am cringing, and I know that's wrong. I have a fear, an expectation, that he is going to have the same reaction to this prescription. I am worried that he too will be "flat" and boring. I know that my fears are irrational though, and I am doing my best to let them go. I have to Let Go and Let God guide us through this journey, and just because I knew someone, not closely, long, long ago who might have possibly had this reaction to this medication does not mean my husband will too. I know this. I do, I really do.

It's a medication with some stigma attached to it so there is also some secrecy involved, some shame, but we don't call it that, do we? No. I say I am being discreet and respectful of his privacy. It's up to him to tell who he wants to tell, and not my news to share. So when someone asks I say "Everything is fine. He's doing well, and losing weight." That is true. It's not the whole truth, but it is true as far as I've said it and it is all that anyone needs to know unless he volunteers to tell them more.

It's been a rough week. I think my daughter and I are both looking forward to some "down time" this weekend. We will probably get it too. A quiet weekend ahead of us, and then the next weekend will be busy. Or so I expect.  :-)

Name calling

Someone called me an "enabler" today and I'm still stinging from it. It's someone who I've never met face-to-face, but only know online. I don't think of myself as being an "enabler", but I think it can be a fine line between being a "supportive family member" and being an "enabler". I've never been an enabler with my mother. I've practiced a lot of tough love with her. With my husband though, I worry about that, and being accused is really throwing me into self-doubt. He's got some medical issues that he is working through with his doctor. I know it's his illness, his body (and mind), and he's an adult. He can work this through on his own, but I am trying to be there for support. Occasionally I go with him to the doctor's office, but not always. Yesterday I did and on Thursday I won't. Mostly I don't go, but if it's urgent I do go if I can.

I am also concerned about being a "toxic person". No one has actually called me that, but the fact that I've been called an "enabler" has made me wonder. Am I "toxic"? Am I the very kind of person that I don't think I am?? God I hope not. Would I know it if I was??

These are not good thoughts, and can be draining if I let them take over. I need to shut off those voices and live in the moment. I have work to do and a family who needs me, and a book to read if time permits. If someone else thinks I am something, then I need to let that be her problem, and not let it control ME.

Detachment

My mother called me yesterday morning, half-crying, half-whining. She had a fever and wasn't feeling well. She probably has the flu. She only got her flu shot about a week ago. I told her if she had a fever then it probably wasn't a cold, according to what my doctor told me anyway, but I'm not a doctor. If she's really sick, she should see someone more qualified than me. Anyway I think she was just depressed and lonely for the most part, but I couldn't talk long. The conversation went long enough for her to tell me she was living on burnt toast and yogurt.

Later when I went out grocery shopping, I picked up a few things for her. Nothing major, just soup and crackers, ice cream, ginger ale, kleenex, and a small daffodil. I figured if she really was feeling lousy then she probably wasn't getting out much, and this might cheer her up. I called as I was leaving the grocery store and told her I'd be by soon but couldn't stay.

I left my family in the car and brought the groceries in. I put the ice cream in the freezer and it barely fit. She was pretty well stocked up on food, and not in need of groceries at all. She looks lousy though. She's so thin. Maybe it was the white shirt making her look even more skinny, I don't know. She was pretty miserable, and I tried to say some kind words, but I couldn't stay. I've still got a cold myself, and I had groceries and family in the car.

After I left though I thought "Wow! I might never see her alive again. She looks like hell." Now I know that she will probably live to see many more days, but like so many people who don't take good care of themselves, she looks like she could die. I feel bad, and yet I don't. I'm at peace. I made my peace with myself a long time ago. I could let her go. I know it would be sad and all of that, but I didn't do this to her. She did it to herself. It's not my fault. So I hug her in my heart, and wonder when I'll get the call, and I go on with my life.

Let Go and Let God

The weekend didn't go exactly as planned. It started off okay, but on Sunday my husband wasn't feeling well. He had some medication, but he refused to take it. This led us to a trip to the emergency room. 5 hours later and he was finally released. No heart attack, probably an anxiety attack, and this isn't the first time. It wasn't easy to spend 5 hours with our daughter waiting for him, checking in hourly for an update. On Monday morning I was still feeling drained.
I decided not to go to work. I knew this would upset my husband though so I didn't tell him until after I had dropped him off at work and called myself in. I nearly made it to an Al-Anon meeting that I knew was happening at noon, but I was fearful. I was afraid that I would be so immersed in my non-Alanon crisis that it wouldn't be good for me to be at that meeting. I know that I need to be applying my Alanon tools to my husband's medical problems, but I wasn't sure how. I needed some advice. I decided that the best way to use my day would be to get caught up on the bills, the grocery shopping, and some other things that I needed to do for me. I needed to get some things off of my list. After stopping at the doctor's office I went to a cafe for a coffee and breakfast. I emailed my husband that I wasn't at work, and tried to relax for a little while. Unfortunately the news that I wasn't at work upset my husband a great deal, and I ended up having to pack up my computer and coffee and go outside to talk to him on the phone. More crisis. Stupid soap opera. In the end I did everything I could during the course of the day to help him and help myself. Then I picked up my daughter at preschool a little early, and read her some stories, and held her in my lap. When I came into work today I didn't explain my illness and I don't think anyone will pry. On Friday afternoon or Monday I may be ready to reveal more, but it's not over yet. I need to be patient and see what happens next. For now I am letting go and letting god. I did all that I could do on Sunday and Monday for my husband, my child, and myself. Now it is God's hands, the doctor's hands, and up to my husband himself. I can do no more.

Step One- Admitted we were powerless....

"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

This seems like a good place to start for today. Many times when I think about this step, I stop at the comma. "I admitted I was powerless." Sometimes being powerless can be very freeing. I was wishing I was powerless yesterday. I told my husband "I wish I wasn't a grown-up. Being responsible, having opinions, and having to watch all this stuff happen is just so painful!" I am in a hard spot now with my family, I am powerless and I hate it. Seventeen years ago, I was powerless and I was good with it. The family gave me Responsibility though, and now I have Guilt.

I was 21 when my maternal grandfather died, and I was chosen to spend a week at their house, keeping an eye on my grandmother. They'd been married for 50 years. Not surprisingly, my grandmother didn't open up to me. I would wake in the middle of the night and find her playing solitaire at the kitchen table, just like always, and she was talking to my grandfather, just like always. I've always felt that I botched that week. She didn't reach out to me, no surprise, and she grieved my grandfather dearly. Now it's her turn soon. The nurse at the nursing home told me "She's fading." She's not in pain, and she's not sick, but she's slowing down. Sometime she'll fall asleep and that will be it I think.

What does this have to do with alcoholics? Because they are my maternal grandparents, that's what. I have to deal with my mom a lot right now, and she's just as toxic as ever. After a brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday, I went to my mother's house. My aunt and uncle were there (uncle is my mom's brother), and my brother was there with his youngest son. I'd never met the son before, and he just turned a year old. I was happy to meet him, but a quick look around the apartment told me very quickly that my mom and my brother have different ideas of parenting than I do. Anyway, my mom and my uncle were going through my grandmother's jewelry box, and I didn't think that was right. The box is personal, and she's still alive. Leave it alone!

I'm powerless. I'm just the grandchild. I have no say in this. It is their mother, not mine. Shut up, and be quiet and let it go.

I didn't stay long. My daughter was taking a nap in the car, and my husband was out there with her, with the engine running. I dropped some things off for the baby and left as quickly as possible, but not without feeling some pain.

The next day I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her I'd like her to keep the jewelry box as in tact as possible, and if she wanted, I'd pay her for it. I just want to keep it sacred, but I didn't tell her that. Then she switched the conversation to my brother. She asked me if I thought the baby was fat, and then she told me my brother had served time in jail. I'd never heard of him being in jail, in fact as far as I know he's in the National Guard Reserves, so I'd be quite surprised if he'd done jail time. I pressed her for details- when? what jail? for how long? how many times? She faded. I knew then she was lying. Same old, same old with her. I just can't trust her to tell me the truth. I am so powerless.

And then the last part, can't forget that...l "my life had become unmanageable". Indeed, my life feels very unmanageable when I'm around her, and I spent hours crying yesterday. Hours.

This is a hard time in my life. A week ago I was feeling up, but this week I'm down. I am turning to my HP, and even considered trying to go to church (but I don't think the stress it would bring to my marriage is worth it). I am praying though, and meditating, and focusing on the tools of Al-Anon. I am constantly reminded that whether I like it or not, my mother is still sick in so many ways, and I am still an adult child of an alcoholic.

I know this isn't my fault

My mom called yesterday. The usual message "I know you're working right now, so just call me back whenever you like..." translate to "Why haven't you called me lately? I'm your mother after all..." So we had an early supper, and I called her back while my husband was watching the kid. I mentioned that I'd seen her on her bicycle the day before and she kind of twisted it around a bit. She was riding toward her house when I saw her, but she claims she was leaving her house. Why can't she be honest about a little thing like that? I know where she lives, I know where I saw her. She was going toward her house, not away from it. Grr... the conversation continued. She is going to the eye doctor today. She never goes to the eye doctor, probably because her health care in Florida didn't cover it. She tried to go to the dentist. She only went to the dentist once while she was in Florida. Once in 8 years. Yeah, what do you think happened when she went up here? Well they are concerned about her being on Plavix and aren't sure if they can treat her. Plus she's allergic to pennicillin so they are nervous about that too. I think she needs a different dentist. She is hoping for new teeth. I don't think she'll get them. She's always had gum disease and you can't have dentures if your gums are bad. She's got an appointment next week for something else, maybe a pinched nerve. She's bored, doesn't have any friends, isn't volunteering anywhere, and is locked into this apartment for a year I guess. I knew this was a mistake. She's too far away from things to get to them easily, and she'll only drive my uncle's truck for medical appointments and to see my grandmother. So she says. I'm sure she's "combining trips" and doing her grocery shopping and other stuff along the way. We should all be grateful though. The less this woman is on the road, the better. She really shouldn't be driving.
We spent 20 minutes while she went on about all this stuff, and how rotten my brother is because she bought all the stuff for Mexican Pizzas and then he didn't show up and blah blah blah. I refused to commit to plans for the weekend, again. I know there is stuff going on, and I do have plans for myself, but I didn't tell her. I just said "We are going to wait and see because the kid needs to go to the doctor on Friday..."

I read "I'm just F.I.N.E." blog today, and I looked at the Al-Anon website. I'm glad for Syd. Happy anniversary! I didn't find much on Al-Anon site that I was looking for. I might have to dig a little deeper on the recovery websites, or maybe even go to a meeting sometime. I know no one is reading this now, maybe later, except maybe Arlene. I am going to try to keep this ad-free for now. My other blogs have ads on them, but somehow I don't think they belong here. Still need to do some work to make this blog better.

Give me strength, give me peace, give me serenity today and every day.