My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
not quite serenity but acceptance maybe
Funny how time passes. Has it really been 3 months sine I've written? My mother is still in Florida only by now she's changed her address. She moved across the street. She went from a 2-bedroom with no balcony to a 1-bedroom with a balcony. Naturally she had to sell some things to afford the paperwork for the move. Naturally her boyfriend and his friends helped her. She met her boyfriend through a former neighbor at her old place. Her boyfriend's mother lived there and introduced her. I think part of the reason for the move was probably to get away from the mother. Anyway my mother's health issues continue. I think at this point she may have kidney disease or something but it's hard to know for sure. She's undergoing some testing and my understanding is she's been in and out of the hospital quite a bit lately. Hasn't stopped her from an occasional motorcycle ride though, without a helmet. I just hope she's not the one doing the driving. Live and Let Live, right? It is so much easier to do that with her being in Florida than it was when she was here in Massachusetts.
Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.
Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.
Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.
Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Grateful
I posted this on my blog on www.Sparkpeople.com
I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.
1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.
2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.
3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.
4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.
5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.
6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.
7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)
8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.
9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.
10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.
11. I am grateful for my daughter.
12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!
13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."
14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.
15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!
I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.
1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.
2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.
3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.
4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.
5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.
6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.
7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)
8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.
9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.
10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.
11. I am grateful for my daughter.
12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!
13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."
14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.
15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Keeping the focus on myself
In Al-Anon we learn through the serenity prayer and our meetings to keep the focus on ourselves. We can't... er... *I* can't.. change the addict(s) in my life. I am powerless over them. I can only change myself. God (or Higher Power) give me the courage to change the things I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference...
2011 is all about change for me. It's about positive changes. I'm really trying to focus on the positive and BE a positive person. It's not easy and I don't do it well, but I am trying even if no one notices. The most obvious positive change is trying to lose weight. I started in September and I'm having some trouble in January but I'm not giving up. My next thing is giving up a message board that I've enjoyed for several years. I like it but it has it's negative moments and I think it's better for me to let it go. Like a relationship where you really love the other person but you know you'd both be better off with some more space. Will I be able to keep the online friends I've made there? I don't know yet. Too soon to tell I suppose. I've taken my first steps though and am willing to risk it.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... I cannot change my mother. She will either stay in the area or move back to Florida. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. I know that in my heart. Today she may try to twist my words and get me to say something I did not say. She may try to blame me for her life, but really I am not getting involved. I will help when I can if I am asked but I am not doing this for her and I am not preventing it either. She will be 61 this year. 61 going on 16, but still 61.
I heard a story last week or this week about a 15 year old killed in Florida. He and his buddy were walking back from Taco Bell and got hit, maybe from behind, by a driver who didn't stop. The buddy lived and managed to call for help. The other kid was not so lucky. The police managed to track down the driver, a 50 year old named Kim.
This is the kind of phone call I fear I will get some day. The driver will be my mother, if she is fortunate enough to ever get a car again. I can't imagine how I will respond, but I don't need to imagine it either. I am not going to live in fear. I am grateful that for today she does not have a car to use as a weapon. I must have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and I must Let Go and Let God do whatever will be done. I cannot save the world from my mother. I can only save my family as much as possible.
I'm rambling here and I am sorry. I hope that whatever happens in her life in the next few months is good for her. I don't think she will ever have peace, but I hope she gets answers as to where she will be living, and I hope she can rest again soon. In the meantime she's packing. Destination unknown. Departure date unknown.
And I am home with my husband and daughter, and counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have. I have the wisdom to know the difference. I have the desire to change my life for the better. I will walk away from drama with my mother and I will walk away from drama with my friends and I will be a better person because of it.
2011 is all about change for me. It's about positive changes. I'm really trying to focus on the positive and BE a positive person. It's not easy and I don't do it well, but I am trying even if no one notices. The most obvious positive change is trying to lose weight. I started in September and I'm having some trouble in January but I'm not giving up. My next thing is giving up a message board that I've enjoyed for several years. I like it but it has it's negative moments and I think it's better for me to let it go. Like a relationship where you really love the other person but you know you'd both be better off with some more space. Will I be able to keep the online friends I've made there? I don't know yet. Too soon to tell I suppose. I've taken my first steps though and am willing to risk it.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... I cannot change my mother. She will either stay in the area or move back to Florida. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. I know that in my heart. Today she may try to twist my words and get me to say something I did not say. She may try to blame me for her life, but really I am not getting involved. I will help when I can if I am asked but I am not doing this for her and I am not preventing it either. She will be 61 this year. 61 going on 16, but still 61.
I heard a story last week or this week about a 15 year old killed in Florida. He and his buddy were walking back from Taco Bell and got hit, maybe from behind, by a driver who didn't stop. The buddy lived and managed to call for help. The other kid was not so lucky. The police managed to track down the driver, a 50 year old named Kim.
This is the kind of phone call I fear I will get some day. The driver will be my mother, if she is fortunate enough to ever get a car again. I can't imagine how I will respond, but I don't need to imagine it either. I am not going to live in fear. I am grateful that for today she does not have a car to use as a weapon. I must have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and I must Let Go and Let God do whatever will be done. I cannot save the world from my mother. I can only save my family as much as possible.
I'm rambling here and I am sorry. I hope that whatever happens in her life in the next few months is good for her. I don't think she will ever have peace, but I hope she gets answers as to where she will be living, and I hope she can rest again soon. In the meantime she's packing. Destination unknown. Departure date unknown.
And I am home with my husband and daughter, and counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have. I have the wisdom to know the difference. I have the desire to change my life for the better. I will walk away from drama with my mother and I will walk away from drama with my friends and I will be a better person because of it.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Gratitude
I saw a man in the office supply store yesterday. He had 2 kids with him, one in the cart seat and the other one walking beside him. Probably both under the age of 5. A dad out on a Sunday with his kids, maybe buying back-to-school stuff, not sure.
Then I saw the man's leg. It was metal.
I'm not sure what his story is and it's none of my business. It's a reminder though. Life could be worse for me.
When I am soaking in the self-pity I need to remind myself, and I need to be grateful that whatever his story is, it isn't mine. Attitude of Gratitude, one day at a time.
Then I saw the man's leg. It was metal.
I'm not sure what his story is and it's none of my business. It's a reminder though. Life could be worse for me.
When I am soaking in the self-pity I need to remind myself, and I need to be grateful that whatever his story is, it isn't mine. Attitude of Gratitude, one day at a time.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Suicide or accidental death
One of the student workers died this week. I just got the news today. I also knew some friends outside of work who knew her. The whole story isn't out yet but it sounds like she overdosed on prescription medication. Whether it was accidental or on purpose I am not sure. Speculation is on both sides, and it doesn't really matter because the outcome is the same. The young woman had lost her boyfriend a month or so before when he committed suicide so I am sure she was depressed.
Whenever I hear a story like this it reminds me of those times when I have been down myself. I have attempted suicide more than once but it seems like a lifetime ago now. Whenever a doctor asks me if I've been that depressed I lie and say no because it really does feel like a different life since I met my husband. Still today I am remembering standing on the wrong side of the bridge that goes over the river, and swallowing too many pills. The pills didn't do what I wanted them to do, obviously, and I chickened out on the bridge thankfully.
Somewhere, somehow, a higher power had a different plan for me. I am grateful for that today. "There but for the grace of God go I..." as the saying goes. Today I may not always have serenity but I do have gratitude.
My heart goes out to the family, friends, and coworkers who have lost one or two friends this summer too.
Whenever I hear a story like this it reminds me of those times when I have been down myself. I have attempted suicide more than once but it seems like a lifetime ago now. Whenever a doctor asks me if I've been that depressed I lie and say no because it really does feel like a different life since I met my husband. Still today I am remembering standing on the wrong side of the bridge that goes over the river, and swallowing too many pills. The pills didn't do what I wanted them to do, obviously, and I chickened out on the bridge thankfully.
Somewhere, somehow, a higher power had a different plan for me. I am grateful for that today. "There but for the grace of God go I..." as the saying goes. Today I may not always have serenity but I do have gratitude.
My heart goes out to the family, friends, and coworkers who have lost one or two friends this summer too.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Coming soon-- photography
Thanks to digital cameras everyone lately seems to feel like they are a photographer. I got a new digital camera for Christmas, and it is finally one that it is in my comfort zone. Slowly I am learning how to use it, and slowly I am remembering to slip it in my pocket for every day things. As a result, I have some photos of the lake, of nature, of things that aren't my daughter, and things that are.
Soon I will post some of the nature and lake ones here. My bit to contribute to the serenity of my fellow readers and bloggers. I am not a photographer, I am a writer. I will claim that. Even when I cannot write every day as I know all GOOD writers must, I still claim it.
My love of the lake, my love of water, comes from my alcoholic mother. My mother who spends too much time in the sun, and doesn't use sunblock, and tans to colors likely to induce skin cancer.. she gave me the gift of loving the beach and of loving the water. I'm a terrible swimmer, and have a lifelong phobia of diving, but I love being in the water anyway. I am passing that love on to my daughter. For the past several days we have made trips to the 2 beaches that we can walk to. It's too cold for swimming, but we bring the sand toys and play. Yesterday we made a sand castle at the "little beach"; on the weekend we visited the "big beach". As spring continues it's quest for summer, I am enjoying these times of serenity with her. I know these years will pass by quickly, and I want to hold on to them for as long as I can.
The child's birthday is over, Easter is passed us, and taxes have finally been completed (whew!). We have some more big events coming our way in May; but for today, for tomorrow, and as long as the rain stays away, I am enjoying the outdoors and being a working mother as much as I can.
Soon I will post some of the nature and lake ones here. My bit to contribute to the serenity of my fellow readers and bloggers. I am not a photographer, I am a writer. I will claim that. Even when I cannot write every day as I know all GOOD writers must, I still claim it.
My love of the lake, my love of water, comes from my alcoholic mother. My mother who spends too much time in the sun, and doesn't use sunblock, and tans to colors likely to induce skin cancer.. she gave me the gift of loving the beach and of loving the water. I'm a terrible swimmer, and have a lifelong phobia of diving, but I love being in the water anyway. I am passing that love on to my daughter. For the past several days we have made trips to the 2 beaches that we can walk to. It's too cold for swimming, but we bring the sand toys and play. Yesterday we made a sand castle at the "little beach"; on the weekend we visited the "big beach". As spring continues it's quest for summer, I am enjoying these times of serenity with her. I know these years will pass by quickly, and I want to hold on to them for as long as I can.
The child's birthday is over, Easter is passed us, and taxes have finally been completed (whew!). We have some more big events coming our way in May; but for today, for tomorrow, and as long as the rain stays away, I am enjoying the outdoors and being a working mother as much as I can.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Top moments of my life
Syd posted a top 10. Good to be reminded of the highlights in life, isn't it? I'm going to do this kind of on the fly, and they probably won't be in order.
1. Marrying my husband, my true love
2. Bringing my daughter home was probably better than her birth.
3. The day I met my husband on the bus, sat with him on a bench for a few hours and told him my true feelings for him. My whole life changed that day.
4. Birth of my daughter. It was bitter-sweet since there were complications, but still happy.
Other great memories and times--
5. Seeing a play on stage, any play. I have a love for the theater that doesn't get to express itself much.
6. Live concerts. I'm trying to think of one that was better than others, but like theater, I love live music and rarely get to indulge in it. Open Mic nights can be great especially since the venues are small and intimate.
7. Swimming in a river, by myself, naked, in the warm afternoon sun.
8. Skinny-dipping at night.
9. Times spent with my grandparents as a child. I didn't realize it then, but those were special times.
10. Spending my 21st birthday with my dad.
11. Driving to Florida by myself. I was helping my mom to move, and in the process escaping from a very controlling boyfriend for a few days. I spent the trip listening to some great liberating music in the car, and really felt free for a while.
It's nice to think back on these happy times and have an attitude of gratitude on an otherwise chilly, boring, Monday at work. Thanks Syd for the motivation.
1. Marrying my husband, my true love
2. Bringing my daughter home was probably better than her birth.
3. The day I met my husband on the bus, sat with him on a bench for a few hours and told him my true feelings for him. My whole life changed that day.
4. Birth of my daughter. It was bitter-sweet since there were complications, but still happy.
Other great memories and times--
5. Seeing a play on stage, any play. I have a love for the theater that doesn't get to express itself much.
6. Live concerts. I'm trying to think of one that was better than others, but like theater, I love live music and rarely get to indulge in it. Open Mic nights can be great especially since the venues are small and intimate.
7. Swimming in a river, by myself, naked, in the warm afternoon sun.
8. Skinny-dipping at night.
9. Times spent with my grandparents as a child. I didn't realize it then, but those were special times.
10. Spending my 21st birthday with my dad.
11. Driving to Florida by myself. I was helping my mom to move, and in the process escaping from a very controlling boyfriend for a few days. I spent the trip listening to some great liberating music in the car, and really felt free for a while.
It's nice to think back on these happy times and have an attitude of gratitude on an otherwise chilly, boring, Monday at work. Thanks Syd for the motivation.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Rough day today but grateful anyway
This morning my kid wasn't feeling well and I hated pushing her to go to school. Once she saw the snow though she was eager to get ready and go. At work things have been up and down all day. Around 3:30pm the power went out at my desk, and it probably won't come back on before I leave.
I'm GRATEFUL that today of all days I brought my laptop with me so that I am able to connect to the internet at least. I called my husband and asked him how to hook up the wire since the one I was trying wasn't working. Wireless should also have been an option but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway I'm grateful for being able to post this, although maybe I should be reading a book instead. I am grateful I have a husband who was able to help me with this too.
It has been cold this week, but there is beauty. I saw a couple of photographers taking pictures on my morning commutes, and last night I saw a fox run away on my way home. There is beauty where I live and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful that the balloon boy story was just a hoax. It's nice to be wrong sometimes, and I'm glad that it was a case of whacked, publicity seeking parents and not a real case of a dead kid.
Now the power is back on so I should wrap this up. Have a good weekend all!
I'm GRATEFUL that today of all days I brought my laptop with me so that I am able to connect to the internet at least. I called my husband and asked him how to hook up the wire since the one I was trying wasn't working. Wireless should also have been an option but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway I'm grateful for being able to post this, although maybe I should be reading a book instead. I am grateful I have a husband who was able to help me with this too.
It has been cold this week, but there is beauty. I saw a couple of photographers taking pictures on my morning commutes, and last night I saw a fox run away on my way home. There is beauty where I live and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful that the balloon boy story was just a hoax. It's nice to be wrong sometimes, and I'm glad that it was a case of whacked, publicity seeking parents and not a real case of a dead kid.
Now the power is back on so I should wrap this up. Have a good weekend all!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Boundaries and love
I guess I'm struggling right now. I want to say some nice things to my mom but I'm also trying to maintain some boundaries. I'd like to thank her for her suggestion of visiting a certain apple orchard. We went where she recommended, and we had fun. I'd like to tell her that I saw a friend of hers while we were out too. However, if I call her on the phone I know I'm going to have to listen to more of her drama. I know that I'll get a guilt trip for not seeing her for the past month, and I'll get questioned about when I will get over there. And honestly, I'm still mad, probably will always be mad at her for the trouble she caused when my grandmother died. I pass my mother's apartment on weekends, but we do not stop. I thought about writing her a letter, but that's kind of odd, isn't it? She lives so close now. A free phone call would take 20 minutes of my time probably, but I just don't want to deal. Let's be clear... I don't want to listen. I just want to tell my side of the story and not listen to her side of things. Letters are great for that, but not phone calls. I'd like to express my gratitude to her, but it's so hard to do because I know her disease will get in the way. Another blogger mentioned that you should tell your loved ones all the time that you love them because you never know what will happen when you walk out the door. I believe that too. My husband and my daughter and I are always very good about sharing our love, but it's harder with my mom. As the holidays get closer this issue with boundaries is going to be harder and harder to deal with. So today I'm feeling stuck.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
between sanity and insanity
This is a rough time for me. Yesterday I saw my grandmother, and all of that. Last night after we got the kid to bed, my husband told me he wasn't feeling well and was going to the doctor (at 9:30pm he was going to Urgent Care clinic). So off he went, with our only car. A while later he called me back and said he was being sent to a real hospital in an ambulance. I was POWERLESS. I was home, with a child, and no way to get to the hospital. Our car was at the doctor's office. So I asked his permission to call a friend of his. I couldn't quite let go, not yet.
His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.
I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.
His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.
I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Do I really want to do this??
I went into the BIG library today, up to the 17th floor, and explored the Al-Anon books up there. Some of them are pretty old, and many have never been checked out I think. Too bad. I saw some interesting stories as I skimmed through the books and along the shelves. Then I stopped to ask myself "Do I want to do this? Do I want to identify myself, however anonymously, as an 'adult child of an alcoholic'? Do I want to let that define me?" My husband and my child love me unconditionally. Neither are interested in who I was before I came into their lives. They love me for who I am NOW, in the present, in this moment. They do not care about how I got here or why I am the way I am. They accept me for what is. They are practicing healthy relationships without even knowing it, without even thinking about it. They are just healthy to begin with. Why is it so much work for me to not be so toxic? Why can't I have their peace and sanity?
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
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