Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry I haven't been on here much. Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. I've been working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), taking photographs of my beautiful neighborhood in Western Massachusetts, and just generally trying to keep up with my daily life in so many places. I actually write four blogs, and it's not uncommon for me to fall behind on one or more of them. Since my mother moved to Florida, and I am not often in "crisis mode" with my Al-Anon, it is easier to let this one slide. That's not to say I'm not practicing the gifts that Al-Anon has given me though.

Yesterday I had an hour to myself unexpectedly. There wasn't time to work on the novel, but there was time to call my mother or take some photos at the state beach. I chose the photos. I chose serenity. During the holidays it is important to me to Keep It Simple Stupid, to remember to THINK (thoughtful, helpful, informative, Nice/Necessary, Kind), and to practice the serenity prayer.

Really that serenity prayer is harder than it looks. Take it apart line by line, and sometimes it's really hard to know it. "God grant me the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes I don't feel I have that wisdom, but I keep trying.

I have friends, neighbors, family, and possibly coworkers with cancer right now. It seems like it is all around me. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I know this. I can't control it either. I've learned those 3 C's well. However, I can help maybe. I can organize a card drive, I can make a donation, I can spread awareness through my Facebook page. I am doing what I can.

I am grateful for my family, my job, and my serenity. I am grateful for Al-Anon in keeping me alive when I did not think I would make it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

She's gone

I know everyone is celebrating Easter today, and I do wish everyone a Happy Easter. However this blog has never been about that. Today's blog is about my mother, and myself of course.

Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.

Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.

Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.

At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.

I'm not crying I swear!

I'm 40 years old and I'm not going to cry, not going to cry, not going to cry!!

okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.

Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.

No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.

This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.

Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.

How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Dammit!

Image by jimmy_ray via Flickr

It's so sad to watch it happening....

I have known it was going to be like this, sort of, for a long time. My mother has been an addict for so long. My grandmother always bailed her out. My grandmother gave her money, gave her cars, pretended not to hear about the arrests and all the bad news... a lot of times of course my mother didn't give her the bad news. My grandmother needed to be "protected" because too much bad news would .. anyway... my grandmother is gone now, has been for over a year. So here I am watching this unfold sort of... my mom has a brother who is a few years older than her. He has fought his own addictions but he has lived a married life, raised 3 children, has stayed "stable" in spite of whatever demons he was fighting. My mother meanwhile did not stay in one place and ... well I was reading a description the other day and I thought it fit her pretty well....it was a description of antisocial personality disorder. Now my mother is a pretty social person however she is also a star at manipulation and can have charisma when she chooses to turn it on. She knows how to get what she wants, how to play all the games, and how to lie, cheat, and steal to meet her goals.

So where am I going with this? Her enabler is gone (my grandmother) and my mother still has her diseases and disorders and is not going to get better. At Christmas she was trying to take it easy with the cigarettes because she wanted us to visit us, but when I saw her New Years Day she admitted that she'd had a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes on New Years eve. Not that she needed to confess to me or anything she ws just telling me that she was feeling wrecked and hung-over I think.

Now she is trying to figure out where to live again. She never stays anywhere for more than a year or two and the process of relocating is a constant stress in her life. Her apartment didn't pass Section 8 inspection and she's not sure if the landlord is motivated to try to get it to pass so one way or another she will have to move. The question of course will be "where?" I am not giving any opinions. She seems happier in Florida. She likes the weather there. Okay, maybe I am giving an opinion.. she should go where she is happy. I do not know what will happen to her there though. I fear that I am going to get a phone call from a police officer or a doctor... she'll be in jail or in a hospital... and then what? Will I bail her out? I think she knows better than that. Still it's hard to watch. I hope she doesn't become homeless. That would be really, really tough. No one wants that for their loved one. It seemed like she was on the verge of that a few years ago when she almost got busted for drugs. I forget what magic she worked to get out of it. I think she plead down to a lower charge or something. She never did tell me the full story. Anyway, it's sad.

I was hoping that she'd grow up some day. That some day she'd be the adult, be responsible, and beat her addictions. She's 60 now and it's obvious to me that it's never going to happen. Both her parents are gone, her brother has fought cancer, she's a grandmother herself, and none of that matters to her. She still lives the life of addict who doesn't want help. It's hard to explain to my preschooler.

I really have to let go and let HP work because I am powerless and I know it. It still hurts to see it though. I wish I could wake her up and change her and yet I know I never can.

Image via Wikipedia

"I have some glue inside me to fix my broken heart"

My daughter said that this morning. She's going to be late for school tomorrow because of a medical appointment, and she hates being late for school. She's not even 4 years old yet, and she's already figured out that she has the power to fix her own broken heart. It makes me a little sad, but glad at the same time. It's a good lesson for me too. I have to remember that I carry my own glue bottle. Can't count on anyone else to do the repairs for me.

On another front, I was meditating on a problem with my mother. She was hinting strongly that she was having trouble getting rides to the grocery store. I knew I couldn't give her the rides because that was outside of my boundaries. However I was thinking about whether or not I should help her advertise for some help. I wasn't sure if I should assist her with it or not, so I was trying to meditate and wait for an answer. I was waiting for her to ask me for help before I helped her I guess. Well, when I talked to her yesterday she said her problem has been solved. Even though she's still a month shy of her 60th birthday, she's been put on the list to receive "on demand" transportation. This means she can call a bus company and for a small fee ($1-$5) they will drive her to the grocery store, a friend's house, the laundromat, or wherever she needs to go. It's nice to see that things worked out for her without my meddling.  :-)

Choose to Think Positive!

I was doing one of my readings this morning and it was about THINK, and I thought "oh, that's a good one! I need to do that. I need to slow down and listen more..."

Then on the way in this morning I was thinking about how excited I am for some of our plans this weekend and I know my husband is not excited. I wonder how my daughter will feel? Will I have to explain to her why her daddy is not happy? What will I say? (A lot of "what if's" in there!!!).. anyway I decided that I would say "I am choosing to be happy..."

My father told me that once when my grandmother was depressed. He said "She will be happy when she chooses to be happy, or she won't. You can't make her happy...."  It's so true. I can't make my husband happy about going to a party or doing things, but I can choose to be happy myself. (Back to working my program, and not working his, etc...).

When I got to work there were some coworkers celebrating and leaving work early. A great lead-in to a 3-day weekend. The sun is shining today, my daughter is excited about Valentine's Day, and people are choosing to be happy. A great start to my work day, and I've managed to keep my mood up all day. When I start to slip down, I put the headphones on or I get up from my desk and go for a quick walk around. Only an hour left, and it's working so far.

So my words to live by this weekend are "Choose to think positive" because there is just so much in that for me.

Happy Valentine's Day, Happy President's Day, Happy Chinese New Year.... whatever you celebrate, have fun!!

Serenity

I am guessing that a lot of us have the "Serenity Prayer" posted somewhere where we can see it often. This morning I took extra time to read from my books before I left for work. This meant not packing my lunch because I didn't have quite enough time. It's been a rough week, and I didn't want to wait until lunch time or break time to do my reading. This week I am feeling like lots of little pellets or stones are being thrown at me. Nothing big, just the small stuff. "Don't sweat the small stuff". I know. I am trying to approach today the same way I approach the first 6.3 miles of my commute. From our house there are several directions we can take, but the one we take most often involves a 6.3 mile journey to a state road. (I actually checked it last night to get the mileage right). Those miles can seem to take a long time, especially if the weather is bad. The speed limits vary from 15 mph to 35 mph. So I mentally break the trip up into easier pieces. First we get to the mailbox, then we get to the beach. Those sections are easiest. I can even walk that far. Then we go a little more, to the small store. Next stop is the church, and finally the hard part right (which looks easy but is often icy) before we get to the state road.
Today I am going to take the same approach. I'm doing some desk work now, and in a minute I'll do some work upstairs. Then I'll go to a department meeting. And so the day will go. One piece at a time. If I take it in pieces it won't seem so bad. I know this. I can get through the next 10 minutes. And then I can get through the next half hour. Etc. I'd like to bring some music with me upstairs, but I probably won't this time. Maybe later. Today I just want the serenity to focus on the tasks at hand.

Feeling better

I posted my last post yesterday during my lunch break at work. As the afternoon progressed I eventually was able to "Let Go and Let God". Indeed the opinions of others are not what matters. It is myself that matters, and I cannot let hurtful words from online friends control me. By the end of the day I had let it go and it wasn't bothering me anymore. Today I feel at peace. I know that I can choose when to listen, and when to walk away. I always have that choice. I am reminding myself of choices now today too.

My husband is tired today. He had a business meeting last night and had to go into work early this morning. However the business meeting was his choice. If he is tired today it is because of the choices he made, and he knows that. I am doing well today to mind my own business and not try to "fix" things for him. That's not easy for me, but I'm doing it one minute, one hour, one step at a time.

Self-pity

I was feeling some self-pity this weekend. It's amazing how I think I'm doing okay, and then BAM! I'm just in the clutches of that awful feeling, feeling sorry for myself, and sitting in the car crying while my husband drives down the road. It's my own fault too. I set myself up in this situation where we made choices, choices that I like, that result in us having a nice quiet house away from town and the kid gets to go to a decent preschool (not the cheapest and not the most expensive either). I have a job I like, but it doesn't pay great. In the end though, we have decided to live on only 1 car until we're done with preschool. We had hoped to spring for 2 cars this year, but when the Accord needed to be traded in, we knew we would have to keep living on 1 for a while longer. We just can't afford 2 car payments while we are paying for preschool. What this all means together is that I have no social life. Seriously, none. The only time I left the house this weekend was to go grocery shopping, and we all went together.

So why was I crying? Because I had heard that some friends were having an open house at their association thing, and I was hoping that my husband would want to go and join it. In the end, he wasn't interested in doing it. Since the association is men-only I think, it was crucial that my husband want to do this, without him, there was no point in us going. So I was hoping he'd want to go because I wanted to socialize. Stupid of me. The association membership would have required time and energy and interest from him. I just wanted to see some friends, maybe. So I was bummed when he decided he didn't want to join the association or go to the open house. That left us with a trip to the orange store, where I sat in the car with the kid, and the grocery store. Yahoo! :-(

I miss having a social life. I see my friends online, but never in-person, and I don't really have the opportunity to meet new people. I go to work 5 days/week, I pick up the kid from preschool, and I spend time with my husband. That's about it. I'm lonely. Even before marriage though I was prone to put my head in a book, or play on the computer rather than go out. I've never been very good at the social game, so it's not my husband's fault that I'm in this place in my head. I have no right or reason to feel sorry for myself. My life is the result of my choices, and I know that rationally. Still, sometimes it sucks.

Then I saw Christina's blog. I didn't even need to watch the video. I know life could be worse. Life with no limbs, no thanks. Timely reminder considering I was already planning today's post.

Making choices - attitude of gratitude or comparing myself with others

Every day I have choices to make. As I posted yesterday I can be grumpy when my daughter wakes me up or I can be compassionate.

Today's choice- Focus on the positive with an Attitude of Gratitude or focus on the negative and compare myself with others. The choice is obvious what I SHOULD do, but it's not always easy. Sometimes misery loves company, and people like good gossip.

I work with a coworker who has a lot of issues in her life. The rest of us suspect drug addiction to prescriptions as being one of those issues. Yesterday she was allowed to sleep on the job, again. I'm still bitter about this. I have a right to be bitter I think, however I can't change anything and it doesn't help my life to obsess about it.

On the flip side, I saw two wonderful things in nature yesterday. In the morning, we saw a deer cross the road in front of our car. My daughter didn't get a great look because she was in the back seat, but she did see it. Then around 6pm we saw a rainbow. We went to Trader Joe's to get a few things, and as we got out of the car we saw this beautiful rainbow that went right over the store. Amazing. By the time we got done shopping, it was gone. We were all a little awed by its presence, and I felt that my day had begun and ended on happy notes with nature. This is what I need to focus on. These are gifts from my Higher Power, and worth living for.

This is from Pink Sherbet on Flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3090253282/

Another tough day but grateful anyway

Work conditions today have not been wonderful. Construction noise, lack of heat, power outage, computer problems... etc. Fortunately my morning was full of meetings away from my desk area, and this afternoon I've really had very little actual work to do. I'll count this as a blessing.

My husband has to come in to work in the middle of the night to do a computer repair. This will make it impossible to get any real sleep tonight, and I know tomorrow he'll be miserable. I don' t know how he does it, but I'm grateful that he does. Without his paycheck I'm not sure where we'd be.

A cousin of mine died. I knew it was coming, and honestly I wasn't close to him. I think my mom might have been. I read some news online about what a hero he was, but I could not locate the actual obituary. New Hampshire paper said I needed to be a subscriber. I called my mom and asked her if she'd be willing to go to her local store and find a copy but she didn't seem interested. So maybe she wasn't that close after all. I'll choose to be grateful for that since it means she probably isn't mourning much. Heroes die every day, and it's sad that this one has passed, but at least he isn't suffering anymore.

So there's my motto for the day== Attitude of Gratitude!

It's time!

My mother has just moved back to Massachusetts about 6 weeks ago, after living in Florida for 8 years. I saw her yesterday riding her bicycle, without a helmet, looking scared. I didn't stop. I didn't turn around, and I didn't call her later. It's her choice to ride that bicycle, and I have to remember that. She's got a scooter or a moped thing, and she's got a borrowed truck from her brother. She could drive if she choose. Riding the bike was her idea. Grant me the serenity.....

So here we are. Ready to start a new blog about this journey of a new chapter in my relationship with my mother.