I stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.
The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.
I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.
The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.
So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.
I just need to let it go.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2016
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Life goes on
Kind of difficult to follow up from that last post. Life goes on.
After the visit with my mother, my husband arrived in Tampa for the weekend. His mother did too. We spent two days as the four of us doing some touristy stuff. Then on Monday we flew home. I won't go into those details because this blog isn't about them. Every family has dynamics and the relationships here are their own.
Life goes on. After the Florida trip we had a quiet Mother's Day weekend. Then we zoomed through the last of the school year with day trips and special school events, and all of the normal things that happen in a normal family with a school child.
This week we began Summer Day Camp. The schedule is 2 weeks of camp, then 4 weeks of OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY, and then 2 more weeks of camp. THEN we will get our vacation.
To expand on the OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY bit.. For four weeks, Monday-Thursday my husband is going to have to bring our daughter to school for reading help BEFORE camp starts. On Fridays they get a break and can just go to camp. My daughter likes the teacher and is looking forward to seeing her for some one on one time. My husband and I have a... EXPECTATION that these days are not going to go smoothly. Sad, but true. We are doing what we should do to help our child, but we are dreading those mornings already and they are still over a week away. It starts July 8th.
So I am working on LETTING GO because I will already be at work when they hurry out of the house, and I will not be there at all for these early morning reading sessions. I will really not be involved at all except to get myself out of the way early enough in the morning so that they can get themselves up and out of the house in time for this. Really working on my Al-Anon here. It is completely beyond my control. It is none of my business. I can't control it, etc. etc.. It all comes into play I think. Applying my Al-Anon to something so simple and yet so stressful that hasn't even happened yet.
In the meantime in case I don't write, I hope you all have a Happy 4th of July!
May you find peace today.
After the visit with my mother, my husband arrived in Tampa for the weekend. His mother did too. We spent two days as the four of us doing some touristy stuff. Then on Monday we flew home. I won't go into those details because this blog isn't about them. Every family has dynamics and the relationships here are their own.
Life goes on. After the Florida trip we had a quiet Mother's Day weekend. Then we zoomed through the last of the school year with day trips and special school events, and all of the normal things that happen in a normal family with a school child.
This week we began Summer Day Camp. The schedule is 2 weeks of camp, then 4 weeks of OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY, and then 2 more weeks of camp. THEN we will get our vacation.
To expand on the OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY bit.. For four weeks, Monday-Thursday my husband is going to have to bring our daughter to school for reading help BEFORE camp starts. On Fridays they get a break and can just go to camp. My daughter likes the teacher and is looking forward to seeing her for some one on one time. My husband and I have a... EXPECTATION that these days are not going to go smoothly. Sad, but true. We are doing what we should do to help our child, but we are dreading those mornings already and they are still over a week away. It starts July 8th.
So I am working on LETTING GO because I will already be at work when they hurry out of the house, and I will not be there at all for these early morning reading sessions. I will really not be involved at all except to get myself out of the way early enough in the morning so that they can get themselves up and out of the house in time for this. Really working on my Al-Anon here. It is completely beyond my control. It is none of my business. I can't control it, etc. etc.. It all comes into play I think. Applying my Al-Anon to something so simple and yet so stressful that hasn't even happened yet.
In the meantime in case I don't write, I hope you all have a Happy 4th of July!
May you find peace today.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
My neighbor died
My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A chance to make amends
Today I had the chance to make amends to someone I felt I had harmed as a child. For over 25 years I have carried the guilt around with me that I had not helped someone when I should have. I felt responsible for my mother's actions. I know that honestly it wasn't my fault that my mother abused this child, who is now a woman, but I carried the guilt with me. Therapy could never really erase the guilt. It has simply been part of my baggage tucked away in the closet somewhere.
Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!
Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!
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