The shoe is slipping

You may notice that the url for this blog is
http://waitingfortheothershoetofall.blogspot.com/

read that again... waiting for the other shoe to fall  ...

right now it's slipping. Imagine if you will a high heeled shoe or a sandal and it's starting to slide off.

That's where we are now.

She's still in Florida. She decided to move across the state even though she didn't have the money to do it. She borrowed. She gave notice on where she was that she'd be out. She hadn't been accepted into the place that she wanted to move into. She just had faith that it would all work out.

As I write this she's in a hotel with a moving truck parked out front. Her 2 cats are probably in her hotel room with her. She borrowed more money. It's not mine. She's hoping that tomorrow she'll be able to move into the place that she wants.

She can't go to a homeless shelter because she's on oxygen and needs a power supply for that. Plus she has 2 cats that she doesn't want to let go of. She doesn't have a car. All of her possessions are in that moving truck right now and she's got no where to go.

We're holding our breath. Her cousin is helping her for a few days but I'm not sure for how long. They don't get along great but her cousin has compassion. They are family after all.

She did this. It's her choice. I can't fix it. I didn't cause it. I still love her but this is her mess. Damn that's hard. If she gets housing and gets stable then I'll go see her at the end of June, as I planned to do. I'm not running down there any sooner. There's nothing I can do anyway. If this doesn't work out I don't know what's going to happen. The not knowing is a killer. You can see the labels that I am giving this post. There's a lot going on in my head right now. A lot of things that don't have words.

No one wants to be homeless. No one wants to be addicted. No one wants to be sick. These aren't things that anyone wishes on themselves or others and yet here we are.

I see the homeless in my community standing in the traffic median with a cardboard sign asking for money. Will this be her in Florida in a month? I don't know. I think if that becomes her she will die because oxygen tanks and homelessness don't mix.

Here we are.

Waiting.

"Keep Coming Back"

"Keep Coming Back". Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep showing up. In AA it's one day at a time and you put those days together. In Al-Anon we keep coming back. I went to one group one day when I was in a crisis mode. I think it was my first ever Al-Anon meeting. The topic that day was "balance" and I cried. I couldn't always get to that meeting, but I've gone off and on since to that group. I might try to change my work schedule AGAIN when things settle down a bit with my daughter so that I can go to that meeting again some day. The trick is in figuring out how to get it approved with my boss. Hmm... something to think about.

Anyway, I have been applying the "Keep Coming Back" thing with my weight loss. I use a website to track my calories and fitness. I participate in "teams" and I try to check in daily on the "chats" and "huddles". I "keep coming back". Some days I go over my calories. Some days I don't do my exercise. Some weeks I don't lose any weight (I even...gasp.. gain weight occasionally)... but I KEEP COMING BACK. I've been doing it for a year now. I'm not where I had hoped to be, but I've lost about 30 pounds that I've kept off. So I know that for me it works. If I skip a day or two I feel "off". Consistency matters more than perfection.

This is something that I learned in Al-Anon. I may not be perfect, but if I keep going back I will get better.

Image by happy_serendipity via Flickr

independence

Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.

Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.

Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too.  :-)

There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-)  But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.

Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr

happiness

I posted that Hazelden link as much for myself as anyone else. I stumbled on it at work and I wanted to make sure I had access to it from my computers at home and elsewhere. So I stuck it here.

It's good stuff I think. I saw a quote there today that I like it said:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  —Abraham Lincoln"

Reminds me of a book I saw called "You can choose to be happy", which is pretty much something my father has said to me from time to time. He says it mostly about other people, like when I'm worried about someone else's depression. He said it about my grandmother who was depressed after my grandfather passed away. He said again when my daughter was adjusting to new day care. I remember the first weeks of sending her there. It was so awful to leave her at the center and see her cry and know that she just sat on a bench all day watching the other kids play. I felt like the worst parent in the world, but I couldn't quit my job. My dad said "She'll be happy when she wants to be happy." He was right. One day she just got out of the car without having to be carried in. She put her stuff away and joined the group. She was like a different person, like someone had flipped a switch. She had chosen to be happy.

Today my husband, my daughter, and myself encountered my mother in the parking lot at the grocery store. My husband saw her first, and ducked his head back in the car and said "Your mother is 2 spots away, putting her groceries away." My daughter said "Quick! Let's hide from her." My husband whisked her out of the far side of the car and into the store. Meanwhile I stayed calm and went over and said "Hello". I told my mom that my daughter had an urgent potty mission. That wasn't a lie, but I left out the conversation that happened in the car. I chatted with my mom briefly and pleasantly and promised to buy her some flower bulbs that she can plant in the cemetery. That seemed to make her happy. Then I rejoined my husband and daughter in the store. A brief visit on neutral ground seemed to be about all I could handle of my mother. She wasn't mean this time, but that doesn't mean that she won't be awful next time. Focus on today though, and today was okay.

Gratitude

I saw a man in the office supply store yesterday. He had 2 kids with him, one in the cart seat and the other one walking beside him. Probably both under the age of 5. A dad out on a Sunday with his kids, maybe buying back-to-school stuff, not sure.

Then I saw the man's leg. It was metal.

I'm not sure what his story is and it's none of my business. It's a reminder though. Life could be worse for me.

When I am soaking in the self-pity I need to remind myself, and I need to be grateful that whatever his story is, it isn't mine. Attitude of Gratitude, one day at a time.

Shhhh!!!!

This blog has been quiet for 6 days. I hadn't realized that until just now. My mom hasn't left any messages on the answering machine during the past week, which surprised me. Maybe she is unwinding, maybe not. I stayed busy for my part. Spending time with my husband, my friends, doing things we enjoy and not worrying about the rest. Life is too short for the wasting with the other stuff. Just focusing on myself and not worrying too much about my parents.

A nice weekend that got busy as we added to our plans, including an impulsive trip to Keene, NH yesterday.

So breathe in, breathe out. Taking it one day at a time and enjoying the calm after the storm.

It's been a busy week!

We had a great camping trip over the weekend. It ALMOST took my mind off of my supervisor retiring. Unfortunately the real world was waiting for us on Monday morning. Monday night we had to do the errands that didn't get done over the weekend. On Wednesday I left work early for a dentist appointment and a hair cut. Splurged a little on shopping for myself too. We ate out for dinner on both of those nights. Tonight we're going to stop at the local library I think, and if I'm lucky we're going to see a concert before dinner. I know I'm pushing my luck with that one, but it's free music so I'm hopeful. Tomorrow we're going to cut out of work early to get a squeak in the car checked out. That should put us in line for more music and possibly viewing some fireworks. So we'll launch into our 3-day weekend... Yay for July! If only it doesn't rain.

In times like this I don't read as much as I should. I'm not spending time with my parents. I'm just busy with the daily life of my job, my husband, and my daughter. One Day at a Time. Trying to enjoy things in spite of the tantrums that a 4-year old brings in between. Enjoy the company of friends too.

Oh, and I pulled the plug on the tv this week!! We'll have internet access set up at home soon, and I'll get some dvds from the library or from Netflix (signed up for that too). My daughter is not happy about the lack of tv, but my husband and I decided that it was time to let it go.

The lack of drama in my life this week... Grateful for that!!
If I don't get to posting tomorrow, have a wonderful Fourth of July!

One Day at a time

I see Syd took some time over the weekend to check in, and leave some comments. Thank you Syd! I'm not going to respond to each thing you said, but I will probably comment back on a couple of them anyway.

This past weekend was a good exercise in taking things "One Day at a time" and letting go of expectations. We started Friday night with a trip to the forest. My husband was going camping, and since we are a one-car family, it was a family event to bring him to the campsite. Rather than dropping him off quickly, and running back to civilization, daughter and I went for a short hike braving the mosquitoes. A beaver was spotted, and much mountain laurel, and a deer was seen on our way home. All good things.

In the morning my daughter made it clear that she did not want to see "the grandma with the dead cat on her kitchen table", and she was pretty clear about it. I had promised her some mother-daughter time, and she did not want that time transformed into mother-daughter-grandma time. I respected her wishes, much to my mother's ire. We ran into an old friend of my mom's in our travels, and I mentioned the change in plans. His response, after having not seen my mom in 30 years maybe, was "well you know her temper, I wouldn't tick her off if I was you. She'll probably get revenge...."   Gee, thanks for that. Nice to know what old friends think of her. I held my ground with my daughter though, and we journeyed to the south instead of to the north. I took my daughter strawberry picking for her first time. I wasn't fussy about finding "the best" strawberries, or "organic", or anything else. I simply cruised around until I saw a sign on the side of the road, and followed it in to the farm. Picking was hard work for her, but it was fun. We finished before the rain started, and hopefully didn't get too many more than we can use.

The next thing to come in my path was my daughter waking from a nap with a fever. Sick and angry she refused to take the Motrin I offered her. Asleep and then awake again, I finally made the calls to take her to the doctor and to let my husband know he would not be spending another night camping in the rain.

So our weekend went. Taking things one moment at a time, not sure what would happen next, but not getting attached to too many things either. We chose out battles carefully as parents need to do.We let go of doing some of the things we each wanted to do, as a couple needs to compromise. It wasn't the best weekend ever, but we survived it as a family, doing our best to respect one another.

Coming out of my shell

Lots going on but how much of it matters? A cousin with cancer, a new kitchen appliance in our house, and my mother's cat died. Well, she had it put to sleep actually. Lots of things I could say about that I suppose. Last night I opened up my Al-Anon books for a while and meditated. Then I read a whole book of short stories. Who needs sleep, right? Too hot for sleep anyway. I refocused, came up with a new plan to try to get myself to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We'll see how it goes. "One Day at a Time" and "Keep it Simple Stupid". I feel more detached from my mother's loss than I feel I should be. That cat had been around for a long, long time. Still, it's probably for the best and I need to focus on myself, not on her. "Admitted that we were powerless..." and I'm reaching for the higher power of "my understanding". What if that higher power isn't the same as my husband's higher power? What do I do about that? How do I teach my child about a higher power when even my husband and I don't agree? Sigh. Let it Go. She'll figure it out too. We all do. In the meantime it's about 90 degrees outside so enjoy the sunshine.

thinking of the single parents out there

This morning I woke up before my daughter. My husband is away this week, a rare occurrence, so I actually had the living room to myself for a few minutes. I took a few sips of coffee and enjoyed the peace and tranquility for the moment.

I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.

So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.

At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".

Peace.

One Step at a Time with money

Money has always been something I've struggled with. For years and years I never had enough and had to scrape by on very little. Did I have enough to buy a newspaper? Probably not. Bus fare? Maybe a few days, other days it was stick the thumb out and get to work that way. When I was single I was very good at keeping track of it. I budgeted even when there was not enough to go around. I kept my checkbook up to date, and I was as careful as I could be. Getting married and debit cards changed that. Since there are two of us spending it I can't keep track of it as well, and asking for receipts all the time gets to be a hassle. So slowly money got away from us. For a while though we had enough to buy the extra newspaper, or go out for dinner. It was okay that I wasn't keeping track of every dollar. We weren't in danger of being behind. We had... a disposable income! That was something I never felt I had when I was single. Since we switched daycares though money has gotten tighter. We really haven't adapted to the change, and it's been over a year. For a while we were doing okay, but gradually we slip. With the holidays, my grandmother's death, the added things that go on in life... our finances took a bit of a dive. I've been trying to get things under control for a long time. Another hit that came was health care expenses. Suddenly my daughter and my husband were costing us a lot in prescription copays and doctors visits and trips to the emergency room. This was a wake-up for us. We got one of those health savings cards. Now money is taken out of my paycheck and we have a sort of debit card to use for it. We have to keep track of the receipts and how much we spend. This is one small step toward the big picture. I am seeing that as my husband is aware of the money he is now asking his doctor "what about the generic?" and being mindful of how often we go out to eat etc. In January I had to do some moving of money to cover our property taxes. I communicated this to my husband and told him we'd be okay soon. At the end of February we are still behind, but getting closer. When we finally get our tax refund we might be able to bridge the gap, but that's not the fix we are looking for because there are other places we'd like to spend that refund. So small steps, one step at a time. First the medical bills, and that is working. We are mindful of our utility bills as well. We are constantly examining whether we could cut our tv, electric, and phone bills. We cut our oil bill down by lowering the heat at night. Slowly, slowly, slowly.. one day at a time. In the meantime I know that I need to communicate and share regularly with him so that this isn't on my shoulders alone, and eventually we will get there.

Serenity

I am guessing that a lot of us have the "Serenity Prayer" posted somewhere where we can see it often. This morning I took extra time to read from my books before I left for work. This meant not packing my lunch because I didn't have quite enough time. It's been a rough week, and I didn't want to wait until lunch time or break time to do my reading. This week I am feeling like lots of little pellets or stones are being thrown at me. Nothing big, just the small stuff. "Don't sweat the small stuff". I know. I am trying to approach today the same way I approach the first 6.3 miles of my commute. From our house there are several directions we can take, but the one we take most often involves a 6.3 mile journey to a state road. (I actually checked it last night to get the mileage right). Those miles can seem to take a long time, especially if the weather is bad. The speed limits vary from 15 mph to 35 mph. So I mentally break the trip up into easier pieces. First we get to the mailbox, then we get to the beach. Those sections are easiest. I can even walk that far. Then we go a little more, to the small store. Next stop is the church, and finally the hard part right (which looks easy but is often icy) before we get to the state road.
Today I am going to take the same approach. I'm doing some desk work now, and in a minute I'll do some work upstairs. Then I'll go to a department meeting. And so the day will go. One piece at a time. If I take it in pieces it won't seem so bad. I know this. I can get through the next 10 minutes. And then I can get through the next half hour. Etc. I'd like to bring some music with me upstairs, but I probably won't this time. Maybe later. Today I just want the serenity to focus on the tasks at hand.

Just plugging along one day at a time....

I'm still at a standstill with my parents. My father isn't ready to make Christmas plans, and my mom is still calling every other day to find out what the plans will be. 2 weeks to go, and it's only a one day thing anyway. Oh well. Today I am trying to decide where to spend my time. I have a list of personal things that need doing, and I'd like to get out of work to do them. Unfortunately I haven't made a list, or written the list, which would really help me organize. I just keep putting that off. So I'm at work, doing some work, doing some of this, and some of that. We'll see how long I last.

We had our first snow day this week. Work didn't close, but preschool did. Both my husband and I decided to stay home with the child since the road wasn't plowed anyway. We played in the snow, burnt cookies, and watched too much tv. A perfect day! Well... I really wanted to clean the kitchen, make brownies, and wrap presents... but it wasn't about me. Maybe this afternoon I will take some time for me to get bills paid, shopping done, and stamps bought, and maybe just maybe pull out my netbook and put some updates or some games or something on that. We'll see.

Still here

Well I held my ground on Thanksgiving and it worked out. My mom wasn't pleased exactly, but we accomplished our mission, covered all our bases and my daughter had a good time. So yay for that. On Saturday my husband cooked another Thanksgiving meal for just the 3 of us.

Now Christmas is coming. I've just chatted with my brother. He is on the outs not only with our mother, but also his father and step-mother as well. It's not easy being him, and I respect that. I still have a bag of clothes that belong to him in my closet and they aren't going anywhere. He's unemployed, homeless, and can't really see his kids that well because he can't stand who they are living with I guess.

For Christmas I offered my mother Christmas Eve. A very generous offer. She didn't turn it down exactly, but she hung up the phone to go cry because she wanted Christmas afternoon instead. I don't want to give her Christmas afternoon. That's time for us to see my father, and I don't want to do them both at once. When I see both my parents at once I don't get to see my dad because my mom monopolizes everything. It's terrible. So we'll see if she comes around for Christmas Eve. The offer is still there. I haven't even confirmed with my dad about Christmas afternoon. I know he is worried about his mother, and we're not sure if she'll still be with us by then. Just taking things one day at a time, and hoping for the best I guess. I should probably get up to the nursing home and see her again. When I saw her in the hospital she didn't recognize me. Maybe now she will.

Oh well. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here. Breathing, taking it one step at a time. Trying not to have expectations, and trying to let go.

First Things First

"First Things First" is a slogan that reminds me to take things one step at a time. Not just one day at a time, but to live in the moment, and slow down. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves.

The little voice in my head is saying "It's 4pm and after work I'm going to pick up the kid, and meet someone, and go out to dinner, and tomorrow we're going to do this and that, and the weather is going to be...." Whoooooa!

Right now I'm going to post this blog and drink some coffee. I still have an hour left of work and some work to do. Period. Right now my husband is probably resolving some last minute work crisis before our 3 day weekend begins. Right now my daughter is saying goodbye to a beloved teacher who is leaving her job after today to begin a new chapter in her life. Right now I am here.

First things First. Slow down. Take things one step at a time. It is way too easy to go too fast. A simple thing like "Get the kid ready for bed and get her to sleep" is really many steps, and I have to slow down. What if she's not ready to be done playing with her toys when the clock says she needs to brush her teeth? I can't just assume that I'm going to have my finger on the remote watching a baseball game at 9:30pm. I need to get there first.

So if I am going to enjoy the holiday weekend, I need to remember to slow down. Not everyone is listening to the same little voices in their head that I hear, and if they are, they are probably hearing different things. I need to think about what really matters, and cut out the stuff that doesn't. Do I really need to check my email on Monday morning and log into Facebook? Or is spending time with a loved one more important? Before I have dinner, I have to get to the restaurant safely first. I need to pay attention, live in the present, and enjoy the journey.

Happy weekend all. I probably won't post again until Tuesday.

Random Thoughts

Yesterday's "One Day at a Time" page reminds us to separate the alcoholic's disease from the alcoholic as a person. I'm supposed to remember that my mother's disease makes her crazy, but she still has a lot of good qualities. This is true, and I've spent a lot of my life saying "Well to me she's a b****, but professionally she's a great person. Look at all the people she has helped..." Um yeah, but you know what? She's not my boss. She's not my coworker. She's my mom, and if I don't detach myself from her and set boundaries, I destroy myself. So for me, I have to remember that although she has the ability to be a great, generous, gifted person the side of her that I'm most likely to see is the one that destroys families and friends, and rips lives apart. Doesn't matter how wonderful she is, to me she's poison.

Another Al-Anon thing that I was reminded of today, probably on someone else's blog or in another AlAnon book, is that we need to keep the focus on ourselves. I shouldn't be focused on the crazy things my mother has done recently. I should be focused on myself and how I work my own program. This is very true. It doesn't matter that my mother threw my brother's stuff out onto her lawn in a cheap plastic bag. It matters that my husband and I decided to go and get my brother's things, and attempt to make contact with him. Rather than ignore the situation, which was my first impulse, we decided to take action to help the other Adult Child of an Alcoholic in my mother's life. I don't know if my brother will appreciate the gesture or not, but we tried to rescue his military uniform at least. When my mom quizzed me about it on Saturday though, I dodged. I couldn't tell her yet that we had taken the stuff. I felt like I was stealing, not rescuing, although I know it was the right thing to do. I just wasn't ready to be on her bad side yet.

For some reason I am still trying to get her approval in some weird way. I haven't seen her since the funeral, but I've spoken to her on the phone, and she's as crazy as ever. So why am I "kissing up"?

During the week my mom called repeatedly asking me to return grandma's earrings that she'd given me. On Saturday I sent my husband to drop them off since he was passing her apartment anyway. Turns out they weren't what she was looking for. She accused me of holding out, called me up and said "where is the rest of it?" I reminded her that she hadn't given me anything else. That she had in fact refused to give me any other jewelry. She backed off pretty quickly and admitted that she hadn't looked through her stuff yet, she just assumed I had it. Then she asked me how to clean a jewelry box. How would I know that? I've never owned one. So things are edgy.

Now I have a name and phone number of an acquaintance who said she'd be willing to give my mom some doctor's names etc. locally. Do I call my mom tonight with the info? Or not? We'll see. She probably won't be very grateful for it, but I tried to help her out.

Keeping the focus on myself. My mom will always be crazy. How I interact with her is my program. Or how I detach myself too. It's too bad that things can't be better between us. When it comes time for her funeral some day, if I outlive her, I will manage to stay positive and say good things about her. Right now though, it's hard to separate the addict from the addiction. Now that my grandmother is gone, walls will probably go up and my mom and I will be playing some sort of game as we get near the holidays. Neither of us quite saying what we really want to say. Sad, but true.