update on mom & etc.

Obviously the blog isn't always first on my list. :-)

My mom is home and stable. She had some help, and I think she's still getting some, but she settling into a new normal. Ultimately we decided not to run right down there. We will see her in August as part of a larger vacation.

I've been the "bad daughter" and not been calling as often as she would like me to. I do not want the drama that I know I will get when she answers the phone. She's really under weight at this point and has been told not to exercise because she can't afford the calorie burn. On the one hand I understand the logic, but on the other hand I worry about the lack of muscle and about her getting weaker. It's not my life though. It's not my battle to wage. I keep my distance and let her live her way. She'll do it her way anyway. No point in stressing myself out about it.

So "my program" of detachment is working for now. It may get more interesting as we get closer to that visit in August. It will be a short one. Lots of time on the road and not a lot of time to actually visit.

I turned to Hazeldon's website, but today's quote doesn't really match my thoughts here. Still, it's a good resource. Look it up, if you are so inclined.

confused

Yesterday I had the chance to make amends. I am still blown away by how welcoming and calm this woman was. She "forgave me" easily because she was never really upset with me to begin with. My mother is the one who harmed her, and I will not defend my mother's actions one bit. So the tears keep coming. I feel like I am maybe experiencing some PTSD. Since I work in a library it was easy for me to go up to the stacks today and browse. I went through the ACOA stuff again, and picked up familiar books and then put them back again. Then I went to the non-fiction stacks and picked up some books at random. I found myself led to a few and then others I just let find me.

Later today I will see my doctor about my asthma. I am confused whether I should mention the PTSD or not. On the one hand I feel like Al-Anon has giving me the tools to cope with these flashbacks, but on the other hand I am not sure of my own stability. I also worry a little about the "what ifs"... what if something bad happened in my life and I lost my balance. Would I end up back in that horrible place in my head? Even though I feel like I do a good job of staying in the present, it seems like I was pulled back into the past pretty easily.. well maybe not so easily. That was a pretty well buried skeleton that just got pulled out of the closet.

So today I am going in circles. Trying to use my Al-Anon tools to cope with my PTSD and all the ACOA stuff. I am also reminded of the FOG that I think I blogged about some time ago.. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt... I am never really free of the FOG I guess. I just somehow MANAGE it, and cope with it as best as I can.

and she's gone

I got to see her one last time. On Friday she was moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. My father was there for her all day in the hospital, and then there at the nursing home to help her settle back in. On Saturday the hospice came, and the doctor, and my dad of course. On Sunday I was finally permitted to come and sit for a bit. I didn't stay too long. My father told me to keep it short and sweet and so I did.

This morning I got the call from him that she had gone during the night. He had gone home in the evening to do laundry, to eat, to do normal things like sleep.

It's funny this thing. I didn't think this one would be so hard. I bought new black boots. My husband got a haircut. We canceled our vacation plans. And now we sit and wait for the date because relatives must arrive from out of town.

What happens when we aren't paying attention

Thanks for your comments about the Burning Man link that I posted.

This is what happens when I'm not paying attention. I actually have 3 blogs now. (I just started a new one this week.) I had MEANT to post that link on one of the other blogs. If I had done that hardly anyone would have seen it probably, and I doubt I would have gotten any comments. Instead I posted it here even though it had nothing really to do with Al-Anon, and look at that... some of you liked it!  :-)

So now I have your attention let me tell you about the third blog. I'm not going to give you a link and tell you to read it though. It's about taking care of me. Today is -1. Tomorrow is September 1st and I am setting goals for myself to lose weight and eat better. Tomorrow I begin. I've been warming up to this for about a week, but tomorrow is the official start date. The ice cream is out of the freezer and chips are no longer going on my plate. By the middle of March I want to see a lower number on that scale. I have a number in mind of course. I don't know if my plan is drastic enough to get to that number but I guess time will tell. My third blog is about losing that weight and it is tied into the website that I am using to help motivate me in that direction.

My husband has done quite well in losing the pounds, and if he can do it I know I can do it too.I am going to miss my friends Ben, Jerry, Bart, Breyer, and a few others but I know what I want for my birthday and it's up to me to make it happen.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Will anyone believe me?

So I'm meditating at work again today, and the thoughts are swirling around in my head. Yesterday I impulsively called the doctor's office and was lucky enough to get a late afternoon appointment that same day with a nice nurse practitioner. I told her my age and my symptoms and we both had a hunch of what the diagnosis would be. She ordered some tests. One I was able to do right away, the other will have to wait until next week. She seemed to believe me in the office, and we seemed to be on the same page.
Then today she called me to tell me that the test results from yesterday had come back and didn't show anything. This worries me a bit. If the test results don't confirm my suspicions, then what? Will I be a deemed to be a hypercondriac? Sometimes I think my primary care doctor thinks that of me. I tell her I have arthritis in my knee, but the tests don't show it. I tell her I am high-risk for breast cancer since it runs in my family, but I'm not 40 yet so we don't test for it (I guess the insurance won't pay for it). I hope that yesterday's visit and the lab work don't end up being a waste of time and money. I hope that we can find out what is causing my pain. I worry that it won't.

And this whole line of thinking seems so typical of someone who has been not believed as a child, doesn't it? Isn't it sad that the scars of childhood linger to this day, even as I try to block them out. A "healthy" person would have more faith, more self-confidence, more conviction than I have. Instead I worry about not being believed. I think this is the curse of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

On another note, I saw a website by chance today, for literary agents. The site said not to send unsolicited manuscripts, and that querys should include 3 chapters...etc etc... and credentials. What credentials do I have as a writer? None. That's what. I have none, and I'm not ready for an agent yet anyway, but I wonder if I ever do get the novel done will I be able to get it published?  I have a song written somewhere, stored away, and I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when that gets recorded too. I know it may never be a "hit", although I think that it could be if it found the right recording artist, but I hope it doesn't lay lifeless in a box buried in my closet forever too.

Image by zpeckler via Flickr