tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65103952973321870342024-03-13T05:15:17.485-04:00Tari's Steps- Walking the Al-Anon pathAn adult child of an alcoholic mother muses on life and how the tools of Al-Anon help her find serenity and sanity.Tarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05869180495920803462noreply@blogger.comBlogger218125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-9798597823709824382019-06-18T06:33:00.000-04:002019-06-18T06:33:00.153-04:00Mom passed awayI almost had trouble finding this blog this morning. I always think of it as "Waiting For the Other Shoe to Fall" which I think is what the URL is. "Tari's Steps".....<br />
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I created "Tari" because Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous and how do you write anonymously? Eventually I stopped trying to switch back and forth and owned this blog as myself, Rebecca.<br />
<br />
Anyway... things got worse for mom after she got into the new apartment in 2017. She didn't get the services she needed and when she did get services she often pushed them away. As her health declined her weight went down and she ended up dirty because she was too weak to stand in the shower. She couldn't get laundry done and her mind was going.<br />
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Eventually VITAS, a hospice agency, stepped in and got her to a nursing home for the last few weeks of her life. She didn't want to go. Even when she could no longer walk she was trying to escape. It was a sad situation.<br />
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I managed to get to Florida before she died and I spent the last few days at her bedside, and the nights crying alone in my hotel room. She knew I was there in the end and I made sure she was comfortable.<br />
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She didn't die in a horrific DUI accident. She didn't die from an accidental drug overdose. She didn't die in any of the crazy ways I thought she might. She died scared and confused, and in pain. Except I let them give her drugs to take away all that so when she went she was at peace.<br />
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Cause of death was anorexia and end-stage COPD. It wasn't the drinking that killed her. It was the smoking and not eating. I've never seen a person as thin as she was. I guess hospice people see it all the time. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.<br />
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I forgave her when she said she was sorry for the choices she had made. I hope that gave her peace. I'll have to keep reminding myself of the Serenity Prayer and remind myself I did the best I could for her. She wasn't easy.<br />
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Of course I'll continue to carry the message of Al-Anon in other parts of my life as well.<br />
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For the purposes of this blog though.. the shoe has fallen. I need to gather up the last of her things in Florida, decide what to keep and what to let go, and then I need to go back north and reunite mom with her parents.<br />
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Thank you all for your years of readership. May you never walk in my shoes. Feel free to leave a comment or send an email or whatever you like. I won't take the blog down but I guess this is goodbye.<br />
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May you all find peace.<br />
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RebeccaRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-67823669632617685292018-02-06T13:52:00.001-05:002018-02-06T13:52:47.355-05:00Mom updateI never updated. Life got in the way.<br />
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The helpful cousin managed to get mom into the new apartment. My mom has been paying her back a little at a time. I'm not sure what the cousin's expectations were but eventually she tired and realized she needed to live her own life.<br />
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The helpful cousin left Florida. The boyfriend has been less than helpful. We visited for a couple of days in the summer and stayed at a hotel some miles away. I took mom to Walmart and the grocery store and to Taco Bell and out for ice cream. We visited the beach and had lunch at a diner. We did things as mother, daughter, and granddaughter. My husband kept his distance recovering from our drive from Massachusetts to Florida in our hotel room.<br />
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Our visit was at the end of June. It was in January that the cousin was ready to move on. So now mom is in this place, health still bad of course, and not getting the assistance she needs. She's more or less alone. I think she even broke up with the boyfriend.<br />
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She hates New England winters but she's starting the application process to move back up here.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-27055148570042172302017-05-07T15:17:00.001-04:002017-05-07T15:26:40.563-04:00Situation is still quite serious<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For a long time I couldn't figure out how to get back to Tari. Today I finally figured it out. I'm thinking of a project where I would give out an email address to strangers but I need to create a new email address before I take action on that plan.<br />
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Meanwhile my mother's belongings are in a 5 x 10 storage unit somewhere in Daytona Beach. She's in a hotel room with her 2 cats and no where to go. Her cousin is paying for her room for just a little longer in hopes that something will change soon. I am asking friends and family for leads on where she might be able to go.<br />
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It's a bad situation. I am pulling at my Al-Anon coping skills heavily right now. I didn't cause this and I can't control it. It's not my fault she's in this mess and I have a right to keep myself and my family safe.<br />
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To say it's not easy is an understatement. Depending on what happens in the next few weeks this blog may go in a different direction. I'm still thinking things through and watching and waiting. It's crazy that my own mother is homeless now. Just crazy.</div>
Tarihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05869180495920803462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-77102885876168223432017-05-04T07:56:00.001-04:002017-05-04T07:56:32.286-04:00mom still homelessWords from Florida are not good ones. The apartment that my mom thought she was going to get turned out to be really small and crappy and they said she couldn't afford to live there anyway. Now there is a possibility that she will get into a senior living building in Ormond Beach which is a few miles north of where she thought she was going to go. In the new place she won't have her own laundry facilities which is a bummer. She didn't have them in her old place but she thought she was going to get it in Daytona Beach and her friend had bought her a washer and dryer. As of right now she's in a LaQuinta hotel until who knows when. On Friday her cousin is going to help her move her stuff into a storage unit and return the moving truck since no one knows when she'll have an apartment again. I'm not sure for how long her cousin can pay the hotel bill. I imagine at some point I'll have to take that over. I'm not happy about that of course. I have other things to spend money on but we'll do it if we have to I suppose. I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that.<br /><br />I'm trying to keep family expenses down because I know we have big expenses coming up. Everything is such a mess. I'm trying to be positive. Everyone around me is falling apart and I'm falling apart on the inside but somehow I'm supposed to be the strong one right now. It's crazy.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-41388616792596829062017-05-01T11:27:00.002-04:002017-05-01T11:27:15.623-04:00The shoe is slippingYou may notice that the url for this blog is<br />
http://waitingfortheothershoetofall.blogspot.com/<br />
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read that again... waiting for the other shoe to fall ...<br />
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right now it's slipping. Imagine if you will a high heeled shoe or a sandal and it's starting to slide off.<br />
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That's where we are now.<br />
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She's still in Florida. She decided to move across the state even though she didn't have the money to do it. She borrowed. She gave notice on where she was that she'd be out. She hadn't been accepted into the place that she wanted to move into. She just had faith that it would all work out.<br />
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As I write this she's in a hotel with a moving truck parked out front. Her 2 cats are probably in her hotel room with her. She borrowed more money. It's not mine. She's hoping that tomorrow she'll be able to move into the place that she wants.<br />
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She can't go to a homeless shelter because she's on oxygen and needs a power supply for that. Plus she has 2 cats that she doesn't want to let go of. She doesn't have a car. All of her possessions are in that moving truck right now and she's got no where to go.<br />
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We're holding our breath. Her cousin is helping her for a few days but I'm not sure for how long. They don't get along great but her cousin has compassion. They are family after all.<br />
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She did this. It's her choice. I can't fix it. I didn't cause it. I still love her but this is her mess. Damn that's hard. If she gets housing and gets stable then I'll go see her at the end of June, as I planned to do. I'm not running down there any sooner. There's nothing I can do anyway. If this doesn't work out I don't know what's going to happen. The not knowing is a killer. You can see the labels that I am giving this post. There's a lot going on in my head right now. A lot of things that don't have words.<br />
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No one wants to be homeless. No one wants to be addicted. No one wants to be sick. These aren't things that anyone wishes on themselves or others and yet here we are.<br />
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I see the homeless in my community standing in the traffic median with a cardboard sign asking for money. Will this be her in Florida in a month? I don't know. I think if that becomes her she will die because oxygen tanks and homelessness don't mix.<br />
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Here we are. <br />
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Waiting.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-64388108308921949792016-11-17T11:19:00.000-05:002016-11-17T11:19:06.019-05:00The (U.S.) Election - Politics and Al-AnonI live in a very pro-Hillary Clinton area. My workplace is predominately a Democratic environment. Not everyone supports her though, myself included. I tend to go 3rd party and this election was no different. <br />
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The election and the aftermath have not been easy. I know people who supported Trump and they are practically hiding in the closet even though Trump won. It shouldn't be like this, but it is.<br />
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My message to everyone though, regardless of where you stand, is this... If you are reading this post then you probably have some experience with a 12-step program. It's time to pull that stuff out and use it.<br />
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Let Go and Let God.<br />
Let go of expectations! <br />
Is it Necessary?<br />
THINK!<br />
Have faith. Everything is going to be ok.<br />
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it! I don't care how you voted. You alone did not do this! The electoral college does the voting. Not you. Not me.<br />
Detach if you need to. That's ok. Protect yourself.<br />
Boundaries can be good things.<br />
You don't have to love it, but you have to accept it.<br />
Use the Serenity Prayer.<br />
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What else? What tools from Al-Anon, or elsewhere, have you been using to cope?<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-25236756572440785762016-09-22T11:09:00.000-04:002016-09-22T11:09:04.553-04:00close callMy last post was almost six months ago here. It's funny how time slips by but really it's true I haven't had much to say. We didn't visit my mother this summer, or my father-in-law in another state. We stayed with ourselves doing things for just the three of us. It was easier that way.<br />
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Recently my mom had a health issue that was worse than originally thought. The end result was a surgery which was scheduled for this past Monday. I offered to visit repeatedly and she said no, don't come. I respected that and stayed in my corner of the world. The day before the surgery it dawned on her how serious this might be. She still didn't want me nearby though so we stayed in touch by phone. I got the hospital numbers and the number for the doctor and on Monday I made calls and held my breath. The surgery went long and recovery went long. She made it to ICU though and then stayed there extra long. She's out of ICU now and still in the hospital. She wants to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will happen. In the hospital they've discovered other things that maybe hadn't been noticed before. I'm not sure what will be decided. All I can do is call and listen to the nurses and listen to her and wait.<br />
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I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It feels like we came very close this week. My suitcase has been sitting nearby. I've got it half packed. I've got my credit card and AAA card and all of that. My husband and daughter know that on a dime I may have to leave town. Just waiting for that call.<br />
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And then instead last night a friend of mine who lives less than 2 hours from my mom... she came home and found her husband passed away. I'm just shocked. It's not fair. There was no warning.<br />
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I've been waiting for years, and especially this week, but instead this. There is no justice and even though the two events are not connected to each other at all I feel it. Not rational I know but real to me. So shocked and unfair.<br />
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Other things are going on too. Things I have more control over and I'm just on edge waiting for some kind of release. I hope when my mom gets home I can cry. I need to release that but honestly I'm not sure if she'll go home. I won't know until they tell me what's next.<br />
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Just taking it one day at a time and riding this roller coaster ride whether I want to or not. I'm trying to be detached but I'm failing. I'm pulled in because I still love her and I know this is serious stuff.<br />
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I am trying, trying, trying to Let Go and Let God. It's all I can do. <br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-22877714055330066012016-04-29T12:01:00.000-04:002016-04-29T12:01:03.035-04:00Still here.... but detachingI stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.<br />
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The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.<br />
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I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.<br />
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The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.<br />
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So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.<br />
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I just need to let it go.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-41470670494632605942015-10-13T09:34:00.002-04:002015-10-13T09:34:53.824-04:00Fighting the depressionI don't have time to post much right now. I realize it's been a long time since I've blogged here. I'm fighting the depression as hard as I can. One night this past weekend I was frustrated that I couldn't find something. I got really upset about it. Really, really upset and I just brought myself down into this hole. On the outside you wouldn't know what I am feeling. I am putting on the face, uniting the family to do fun fall family things and I am going to work every day. Inside though I am splitting into pieces. I know from experience though that I have to just keep going.<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-5273657361722487112015-07-31T11:25:00.000-04:002015-07-31T11:25:18.091-04:00Does your faith sustain you?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7kOrApH0aI8F0QfXZ5xeWLjx8cdLV7kjdihyjgZ1htTW9BSuc_kovWSr-msSFXkr-qOwqJ__RkgX9P-hgE4H4zFBf-kyfRfJLS8DXM8PyCcabSQlf5-bT91uSOb4u8DPKgKC6hyAsqM8/s1600/P7010670.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7kOrApH0aI8F0QfXZ5xeWLjx8cdLV7kjdihyjgZ1htTW9BSuc_kovWSr-msSFXkr-qOwqJ__RkgX9P-hgE4H4zFBf-kyfRfJLS8DXM8PyCcabSQlf5-bT91uSOb4u8DPKgKC6hyAsqM8/s320/P7010670.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I was thinking about this earlier today. Does your faith sustain you? Can you turn to it when you are trying to sort out a secular problem? Or do you go to church on Sundays and forget about it the rest of the week?<br />
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What about your Al-Anon program? Is it just something you focus on during a meeting, or when you are dealing with the alcoholic in your life? Or do you use the tools when coping with other things in life?<br />
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I haven't been to meetings in a long, long time but the tools I have gained from those meetings, and from the literature which I still have, stays with me. I try to apply it to my daily life.<br />
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My husband needs to see his doctor. Know what? It's NOT MY PROBLEM. I have to let that go and let him live his own life.<br />
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We bought a new car. I feel guilty, Know what? I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I am allowed good things in life. Just because my mother doesn't have a car (too many DUIs) doesn't mean I deserve something less for myself. I need to let go of the guilt! <br />
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My kid has days when she chooses to be in a bad mood. Know what? I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. (Granted I check myself to make sure I didn't cause it.) I need to let that go too.<br />
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Every day, multiple times a day, I find myself using the tools from Al-Anon.<br />
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Whether you use the tools from Al-Anon or the tools from your favorite religious teachings I hope they sustain you through good times and bad.<br />
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-55098992851973706102015-06-29T14:05:00.000-04:002015-06-29T14:05:04.853-04:00update on mom & etc.Obviously the blog isn't always first on my list. :-)<br />
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My mom is home and stable. She had some help, and I think she's still getting some, but she settling into a new normal. Ultimately we decided not to run right down there. We will see her in August as part of a larger vacation.<br />
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I've been the "bad daughter" and not been calling as often as she would like me to. I do not want the drama that I know I will get when she answers the phone. She's really under weight at this point and has been told not to exercise because she can't afford the calorie burn. On the one hand I understand the logic, but on the other hand I worry about the lack of muscle and about her getting weaker. It's not my life though. It's not my battle to wage. I keep my distance and let her live her way. She'll do it her way anyway. No point in stressing myself out about it.<br />
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So "my program" of detachment is working for now. It may get more interesting as we get closer to that visit in August. It will be a short one. Lots of time on the road and not a lot of time to actually visit.<br />
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I turned to Hazeldon's website, but today's quote doesn't really match my thoughts here. Still, it's a good resource. Look it up, if you are so inclined.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-29667851279892682592015-04-07T10:24:00.000-04:002015-04-07T10:24:22.055-04:00First Things FirstFirst Things First:<br />The slogan, “First Things First” helps us to set reasonable priorities and to<br />keep a realistic perspective. This slogan helps us to make choices we are<br />comfortable with, and to act with balance rather than react to crises.<br />
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<a href="http://www.afgdistrict5.org/slogans.pdf">http://www.afgdistrict5.org/slogans.pdf</a><br />
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I thought of this slogan as I emerged from the parking garage this morning on my way to my work desk. I have a list in my pocket this week of all the things I need to do. I don't always have a list like this but between planning my daughter's birthday, my mom being in the hospital, trying to hold down a job, and everything else going on I found it helpful to make one. Unfortunately things keep getting added to the list, and other things don't always go as planned.<br />
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Last night I had planned on working on taxes. Instead I spent the time on the phone with my mother, relatives, her neighbor, and others in her network trying to coordinate care and a flow of information.<br />
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Now today I am back at work and the to-do lists have grown. I need to prioritize because I cannot do it all now. So First Things First.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-63503517572200833872015-04-06T14:55:00.003-04:002015-04-06T14:55:45.455-04:00Update on Mom & familyOops! I let February and March go by without posting after promising to get back on track. I'm sorry dear readers.<br />
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In January I posted that my mom spent New Years in the hospital, well she just spent Easter in the hospital as well. She fell down and broke a couple things and needed surgery on Easter morning. There was some question as to whether they would do the surgery because of her heart condition but they decided to go forward.<br />
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I want to get away from the details of her health though. Al-Anon teaches us to focus on ourselves, not on others. It scared me that she fell while in the process of trying to start her moped/scooter. She was trying to drive. I'm not sure she'll be driving anything again. I can certainly hope for that anyway. I'm still talking about mom, aren't I? Well I'm getting there.<br />
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One of my fears over my lifetime is that she would go to jail for her crimes. This current stint in the hospital is giving me hope that maybe that won't be the case. How much trouble can she get in if she loses her ability to drive? While it will pain her mentally, it gives me some peace of mind to see her confined somewhat.<br />
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I am struggling with guilt and obligation right now. Trying to weigh whether I should visit or not. Visiting isn't just a drive across town. It's a significant investment of time, money, and energy. Right now my thinking is that I will wait it out and maybe visit when she's back in her apartment again unless I need to go down sooner for a legal obligation or something. It's not that I lack compassion, I'm just not sure I can be of use.<br />
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I've said to my friends recently that my husband and I are entering that sandwich period in life where we are still raising a child and also being faced with our parents being more needy. What do they each need? How can we be there for them without being in the way? These are questions we are asking ourselves. How to be a parent to our parents without insulting our parents is not easy stuff. We're just starting to navigate those waters I think.<br />
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When a parent passes away the lines are clearly defined as to what needs doing, but when a parent is in "ill health" it can be a little tricky deciding when to drop everything to get to his/her side. We have another parent who is telling us not to visit but isn't well either. I think we are wanted, but the words we are hearing tell us otherwise. For us to go and visit would be disrespectful I think so we are holding off. If they lived somewhere that was convenient we might get away with saying we were in the neighborhood, but that isn't the case. I do hope we can see them this summer though, somehow. Again, negotiating all of that FOG and also being aware that our parents are getting older, and our time left together is getting smaller.<br />
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As the snow melts and school vacations approach I am full of worry and wonder about what the coming months will bring.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-20196926032643957692015-01-11T11:11:00.000-05:002015-01-11T11:11:34.118-05:00Trying to get back on trackI was reading another person's Al-Anon blog and happened to look over to the sidebar see my Tari's Steps blog listed. Saw that I had not updated in over a year!! Ooops!<br />
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So I am going to try to get back on track with posting here. One thing that has held me back is that I feel less anonymous than I did when I first started this thing and I am worried that people who know me, or maybe even people who don't know me, will judge me in some way. I need to let that go. I can't let other people's opinions of me hold me back. Right?<br />
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So here we go.... a year plus 2 months has passed since I last wrote. What's happened? Not much is new. My mom is still sick, I am still dealing with boundary issues with my family, and life goes on. I'll give you the update though.<br />
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My mother's weight is down to under 100 pounds. Last I heard she was at 96. She spent several hours of New Years in the hospital with chest pains but ultimately walked out in frustration. Her heart is weak. She's still drinking and she's on at least a dozen prescriptions for various things and seeing a variety of doctors. She believes she's had some mini-strokes as well. She'll be 65 in a couple of months.<br />
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My brother got in touch with me on Facebook and we seemed to be connecting. He was due to be a father for the 6th time, and I imagine the baby may even have been born by now. When he asked me to contact mom and say "thank you" for him I refused. He's in his 30s and I think he is old enough to say "thank you" himself. If he can't then maybe he should return the gift. So he responded by blocking me out of his life. I guess I should call someone and find out if my youngest niece or nephew has been born yet. I think it was a niece they were expecting.<br />
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Meanwhile my home life goes on. I get older, I get heavier, and my daughter pushes on with elementary school growing as kids do. My husband has had some health scares and I've done my best to apply what I've learned in Al-Anon to those scares as well. I need to work hard to let things go and to take things one day at a time sometimes. I can't fix it all. I can only take care of what is mine to take care of.<br />
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And so life goes on. Again, I'll try to be better this year, in 2015, about keeping up with things.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-50815175589625655472013-11-19T08:35:00.000-05:002013-11-19T08:35:26.617-05:00wow, has it really been since August?So we had that vacation. My mother hasn't mentioned her cancer lately. She had a scare where she thought she had MS, but she doesn't. Something is going on with her, but what else is new?<br />
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I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.<br />
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The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.<br />
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I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-89351084390405922272013-08-16T08:53:00.000-04:002013-08-16T08:53:39.201-04:00preparing for vacation & keeping the focus on myselfToday is the last day of day camp for my daughter this summer. We will spend the next 10 days together until school starts on August 28th. I need to remind myself of my Al-Anon right now.<br />
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1. Keep it simple<br />
2. Let go of expectations<br />
3. Keep the focus on myself! This is especially true when dealing with my husband. I keep thinking of HIS to-do lists and I need to focus on MY OWN!!<br />
4. Worrying is a waste of energy.<br />
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And truly if I focus on myself then I am happier. My mother has cancer again. My mother is upset that we are not coming to see her during this vacation time. These are my mother's problems, not mine. If I don't think about her problems I will be happier.<br />
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My husband has been sick. He has an infection and isn't cured yet. He is going to the doctor's office, taking his medication, etc. etc. He is taking care of himself. I should not waste my energy worrying. If I do not waste my energy worrying I am happier.<br />
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Today is payday. Today I will leave work early. Today I will try to find time to relax. Today I saw 2 herons and 2 deer on my way to work this morning at sunrise. Today I am happy.<br />
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One moment at a time. Right now I am happy, excited, maybe even manic. Keeping my focus on me is a good thing.<br />
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I need to do that in the next 10 days, and not let other people weigh me down.<br />
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Fall is coming. The cool mornings are already here. I am going to go and have a GREAT vacation before it gets cold again.<br />
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Be well my friends.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-89749929580171843022013-07-16T08:18:00.000-04:002013-07-16T08:18:39.733-04:00And we're off and into it!Yes those early mornings started last week. My alarm goes off at 4:15am. I am awake when the newspaper carrier throws the paper up on the deck, using the house as a backboard. I hear the "thump" and turn on the light and retrieve the paper as his car pulls away. On Fridays I get up at 4:15 am anyway even though there is no reading class. If I'm doing it Monday-Thursday anyway I may as well do it on Fridays. I let the other two get an extra hour of sleep though, and use that time to myself. We have completed Week 1 of the schedule, and are in Week 2 now.<br />
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On Saturday we visited the local children's picture art museum, and on Sunday we visited the local living history museum. I didn't set the alarm clock on those mornings. We took our time leaving the house. They were still full days though.<br />
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The lawn will still be there when I have more time. Children keep growing though. I have a handwritten list of each week of summer with the two, three, or four activities that we have scheduled for the week. I check it off as we go along. I still haven't finished putting photos in my daughter's memory book from May and June. I just haven't had time. I will get there though, eventually. In the meantime we are halfway through July, on week four of summer camp. On Friday we will be at the halfway point. After week eight we get our BIG FAMILY VACATION. Still, I am trying to enjoy each week and not just think of it as biding time, checking off things on the list. Each day is important, or it should be. I try to pause, to listen, and to answer questions. Answer questions like "Why do some people get married and other people don't? How does that happen?" Because 7 will turn into 7 1/2 and then 8 and then 18 all too soon.<br />
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I know this just like 30 turned into 42, and how is it that my mother is now 63. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating her turning 50, and now I'm closer to that milestone than she is. How did that happen?<br />
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Stay cool, enjoy the summer, and appreciate your moment in time. Let it go and leave your expectations at the door. That's what it is all about. Am I right, reader?<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-79104442546895983972013-06-27T13:45:00.000-04:002013-06-27T13:45:26.015-04:00Life goes onKind of difficult to follow up from that last post. Life goes on.<br />
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After the visit with my mother, my husband arrived in Tampa for the weekend. His mother did too. We spent two days as the four of us doing some touristy stuff. Then on Monday we flew home. I won't go into those details because this blog isn't about them. Every family has dynamics and the relationships here are their own.<br />
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Life goes on. After the Florida trip we had a quiet Mother's Day weekend. Then we zoomed through the last of the school year with day trips and special school events, and all of the normal things that happen in a normal family with a school child.<br />
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This week we began Summer Day Camp. The schedule is 2 weeks of camp, then 4 weeks of OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY, and then 2 more weeks of camp. THEN we will get our vacation.<br />
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To expand on the OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY bit.. For four weeks, Monday-Thursday my husband is going to have to bring our daughter to school for reading help BEFORE camp starts. On Fridays they get a break and can just go to camp. My daughter likes the teacher and is looking forward to seeing her for some one on one time. My husband and I have a... EXPECTATION that these days are not going to go smoothly. Sad, but true. We are doing what we should do to help our child, but we are dreading those mornings already and they are still over a week away. It starts July 8th.<br />
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So I am working on LETTING GO because I will already be at work when they hurry out of the house, and I will not be there at all for these early morning reading sessions. I will really not be involved at all except to get myself out of the way early enough in the morning so that they can get themselves up and out of the house in time for this. Really working on my Al-Anon here. It is completely beyond my control. It is none of my business. I can't control it, etc. etc.. It all comes into play I think. Applying my Al-Anon to something so simple and yet so stressful that hasn't even happened yet.<br />
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In the meantime in case I don't write, I hope you all have a Happy 4th of July!<br />
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May you find peace today.<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-60716721023554100072013-05-08T11:29:00.000-04:002013-05-08T11:29:05.170-04:00Post #200 Visit to see mom is completeOn Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.<br />
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Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.<br />
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After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.<br />
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Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.<br />
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We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.<br />
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The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.<br />
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Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.<br />
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She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.<br />
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It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.<br />
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I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.<br />
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There but for the grace of God go I.<br />
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Amen.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-90120567426587516162013-04-22T12:07:00.001-04:002013-04-22T12:07:43.092-04:00Happy Earth Day 2013<br />
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Happy Earth Day! For something completely different, here is some of the "earth" I've been blessed to see this morning, all before 9am.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO2V-_qxA2Zw-EIS_UOwwD8xOBEBfekJzcJr4cY1jXhRkR_6bNMTrBURYs1gctHdJcH12t0UtOQ0CImQ_OhXfrT4g5g2Lc6avM2rLZQgCdKJBHpttOu5KMFyC6g1h7huz2ymyPtBWOCdg/s1600/DSCI3426.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO2V-_qxA2Zw-EIS_UOwwD8xOBEBfekJzcJr4cY1jXhRkR_6bNMTrBURYs1gctHdJcH12t0UtOQ0CImQ_OhXfrT4g5g2Lc6avM2rLZQgCdKJBHpttOu5KMFyC6g1h7huz2ymyPtBWOCdg/s1600/DSCI3426.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-36372021473865670732013-04-16T09:19:00.001-04:002013-04-16T09:19:58.206-04:00Boston is a reminderI was having a good day yesterday. We went to Old Sturbridge Village. We taught our daughter about Patriots Day, and about what freedom meant.<br />
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Then we left and heard the news about the Boston Marathon.<br />
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Our hearts go out to all involved.<br />
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And while that is happening I have to really fight to not feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I am powerless. I must let it go and let a higher power take over.<br />
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A chance to let Alanon touch my life where I might not expect it.<br />
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This is a crazy world we live in, no doubt. <br />
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I am so grateful that I have these tools to help me cope.<br />
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Amen.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-67588139037953026662013-03-26T08:44:00.000-04:002013-03-26T08:44:05.853-04:00My neighbor diedMy neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.<br />
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I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.<br />
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During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.<br />
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Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.<br />
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Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-89633002703659964702013-03-04T08:43:00.003-05:002013-03-04T08:43:51.288-05:00PatienceI am a lefty. On February 16th I broke my elbow and messed up my wrist, on my left arm. So typing is hard right now. I can't eat left-handed, can't brush my own hair, can't do a lot of things I want to do. It is two more long weeks before I go back to the doctor to see if I will be rollerskating with my daughter in time for her birthday. I have to let go of my expectations on that one I know. It is hard. I am hopeful but I cannot know what will be said.<br />
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In the meantime I am practicing all those things I need to practice. Let go.<br />
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Be well friends. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-39859227682340354172013-01-16T13:21:00.003-05:002013-01-16T13:21:25.031-05:00Politics- a lesson on the 3 Cs & moreCause, cure, control.... I didn't cause it. I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Sure I can write to the politicians. I can share my opinions with anyone who will listen. I can educate myself. I can vote, but if I get out-voted then it becomes mute I guess.<br />
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What am I talking about? Politics of course. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world today, and I do not want to debate anybody here about any of it. However, I am trying really hard right now to find my serenity again. I am trying to apply my Al-Anon to this part of my life, and I will say it is hard. I am very frustrated. I do not like what is happening in our country, and around the world, and I feel helpless. I want things done MY way. I don't understand why everyone else doesn't want it done my way too. I feel judgmental at times toward people who have different views and I have to remind myself to remain tolerant and allow my friends the freedom to express their own views, just as they hopefully let me express my views. To be open-minded I think means to be tolerant of others and not to shut everyone out who disagrees with you. I am doing a decent job of that but it is not easy.<br />
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The elections were one thing. I knew I'd be outvoted. I always am because I am part of a minority in this country that wants a 3rd choice. We're past the elections though, and there is still so much going on. Some good, some not so good, and I am powerless over all of it.<br />
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I really need to let things go, and be part of the ignorant masses that our society seems to be so full of, but I do not really know how to do that. I am not very good at apathy. I care too much.<br />
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Ugh.<br />
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Be well my friends. Let Go, Let God... if only it were that easy. I need to focus on myself. I need to practice detachment. I just can't. I am feeling too much fear.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510395297332187034.post-33037075888813057942012-11-20T09:20:00.000-05:002012-11-20T09:20:50.356-05:00Happy Thanksgiving!Sorry I haven't been on here much. Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. I've been working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), taking photographs of my beautiful neighborhood in Western Massachusetts, and just generally trying to keep up with my daily life in so many places. I actually write four blogs, and it's not uncommon for me to fall behind on one or more of them. Since my mother moved to Florida, and I am not often in "crisis mode" with my Al-Anon, it is easier to let this one slide. That's not to say I'm not practicing the gifts that Al-Anon has given me though.<br />
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Yesterday I had an hour to myself unexpectedly. There wasn't time to work on the novel, but there was time to call my mother or take some photos at the state beach. I chose the photos. I chose serenity. During the holidays it is important to me to Keep It Simple Stupid, to remember to THINK (thoughtful, helpful, informative, Nice/Necessary, Kind), and to practice the serenity prayer.<br />
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Really that serenity prayer is harder than it looks. Take it apart line by line, and sometimes it's really hard to know it. "God grant me the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes I don't feel I have that wisdom, but I keep trying.<br />
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I have friends, neighbors, family, and possibly coworkers with cancer right now. It seems like it is all around me. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I know this. I can't control it either. I've learned those 3 C's well. However, I can help maybe. I can organize a card drive, I can make a donation, I can spread awareness through my Facebook page. I am doing what I can.<br />
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I am grateful for my family, my job, and my serenity. I am grateful for Al-Anon in keeping me alive when I did not think I would make it.<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving!Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09063628220529721902noreply@blogger.com1