I live in a very pro-Hillary Clinton area. My workplace is predominately a Democratic environment. Not everyone supports her though, myself included. I tend to go 3rd party and this election was no different.
The election and the aftermath have not been easy. I know people who supported Trump and they are practically hiding in the closet even though Trump won. It shouldn't be like this, but it is.
My message to everyone though, regardless of where you stand, is this... If you are reading this post then you probably have some experience with a 12-step program. It's time to pull that stuff out and use it.
Let Go and Let God.
Let go of expectations!
Is it Necessary?
THINK!
Have faith. Everything is going to be ok.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it! I don't care how you voted. You alone did not do this! The electoral college does the voting. Not you. Not me.
Detach if you need to. That's ok. Protect yourself.
Boundaries can be good things.
You don't have to love it, but you have to accept it.
Use the Serenity Prayer.
What else? What tools from Al-Anon, or elsewhere, have you been using to cope?
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
wow, has it really been since August?
So we had that vacation. My mother hasn't mentioned her cancer lately. She had a scare where she thought she had MS, but she doesn't. Something is going on with her, but what else is new?
I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.
The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.
I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.
I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.
The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.
I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Boston is a reminder
I was having a good day yesterday. We went to Old Sturbridge Village. We taught our daughter about Patriots Day, and about what freedom meant.
Then we left and heard the news about the Boston Marathon.
Our hearts go out to all involved.
And while that is happening I have to really fight to not feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I am powerless. I must let it go and let a higher power take over.
A chance to let Alanon touch my life where I might not expect it.
This is a crazy world we live in, no doubt.
I am so grateful that I have these tools to help me cope.
Amen.
Then we left and heard the news about the Boston Marathon.
Our hearts go out to all involved.
And while that is happening I have to really fight to not feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I am powerless. I must let it go and let a higher power take over.
A chance to let Alanon touch my life where I might not expect it.
This is a crazy world we live in, no doubt.
I am so grateful that I have these tools to help me cope.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
My neighbor died
My neighbor died of cancer last week. She was only 35 years old. She left behind a husband and two children still in elementary school. She fought the battle for 13 long months and died on Monday, March 18th.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how her death hits me on an Al-Anon level. So many things to think about. The topic of ABANDONMENT was front and center. I don't think I can write about those things yet in a way that will be understood by you all. I'm afraid I would sound selfish if I tried.
During her illness I mediated about Letting Go and Letting God, and Letting Go of Expectations. Also thought about Minding my own business. Haha... really, her illness was hers, not mine. I couldn't fix it. I thought about those 3 Cs quite a bit too. My husband was good for reminding me of those. Fear, detachment, guilt, attitude of Gratitude.
Still, there is it is. So many lessons to be learned, and so many memories she left behind for all who knew her.
Love while you can. We don't know what will be tomorrow, a month from now, or next year.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Politics- a lesson on the 3 Cs & more
Cause, cure, control.... I didn't cause it. I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Sure I can write to the politicians. I can share my opinions with anyone who will listen. I can educate myself. I can vote, but if I get out-voted then it becomes mute I guess.
What am I talking about? Politics of course. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world today, and I do not want to debate anybody here about any of it. However, I am trying really hard right now to find my serenity again. I am trying to apply my Al-Anon to this part of my life, and I will say it is hard. I am very frustrated. I do not like what is happening in our country, and around the world, and I feel helpless. I want things done MY way. I don't understand why everyone else doesn't want it done my way too. I feel judgmental at times toward people who have different views and I have to remind myself to remain tolerant and allow my friends the freedom to express their own views, just as they hopefully let me express my views. To be open-minded I think means to be tolerant of others and not to shut everyone out who disagrees with you. I am doing a decent job of that but it is not easy.
The elections were one thing. I knew I'd be outvoted. I always am because I am part of a minority in this country that wants a 3rd choice. We're past the elections though, and there is still so much going on. Some good, some not so good, and I am powerless over all of it.
I really need to let things go, and be part of the ignorant masses that our society seems to be so full of, but I do not really know how to do that. I am not very good at apathy. I care too much.
Ugh.
Be well my friends. Let Go, Let God... if only it were that easy. I need to focus on myself. I need to practice detachment. I just can't. I am feeling too much fear.
What am I talking about? Politics of course. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world today, and I do not want to debate anybody here about any of it. However, I am trying really hard right now to find my serenity again. I am trying to apply my Al-Anon to this part of my life, and I will say it is hard. I am very frustrated. I do not like what is happening in our country, and around the world, and I feel helpless. I want things done MY way. I don't understand why everyone else doesn't want it done my way too. I feel judgmental at times toward people who have different views and I have to remind myself to remain tolerant and allow my friends the freedom to express their own views, just as they hopefully let me express my views. To be open-minded I think means to be tolerant of others and not to shut everyone out who disagrees with you. I am doing a decent job of that but it is not easy.
The elections were one thing. I knew I'd be outvoted. I always am because I am part of a minority in this country that wants a 3rd choice. We're past the elections though, and there is still so much going on. Some good, some not so good, and I am powerless over all of it.
I really need to let things go, and be part of the ignorant masses that our society seems to be so full of, but I do not really know how to do that. I am not very good at apathy. I care too much.
Ugh.
Be well my friends. Let Go, Let God... if only it were that easy. I need to focus on myself. I need to practice detachment. I just can't. I am feeling too much fear.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I think I might be back here for a while...
Hi everybody!! I hope some of you are still with me. It's been a few months since I last posted.
If you've been in a 12-step program like AA or Al-Anon for a while then hopefully you have figured out that this 12-step stuff follows you EVERYWHERE!!! At least I hope it does!
I thought I would end this blog when my alcoholic parent moved away. It's a lot easier to maintain boundaries and detachments when I don't drive by her apartment on a weekly basis. However I have been aware that the concepts I learned from Al-Anon are helpful for me in other parts of my life as well. So I've decided that I am coming back to blog some more. You probably won't see me posting as much about my mother as I used to, but hopefully I will be able to post about how I am using the coping skills I learned from Al-Anon in other parts of my life such as my marriage, my job, parenting my child, losing weight, and whatever else I feel the urge to tie in.
A week ago New England, and elsewhere along the East Coast was hit by a storm named "Irene". I was fortunate. We had been camping in the White Mountains of New Hampshire before the storm hit, and decided to come home Saturday evening. We drove through Vermont and came back to Western Mass. The rain was already starting when we pulled into our driveway. We never lost power although we did lose internet for a while. From the comfort of my living room I learned of the devastation that hit near and far. Campgrounds that we had camped at last summer, covered bridges that we had photographed in July, the highway that we had traveled on just two days ago... and then closer to home, Shelburne Falls and the Bridge of Flowers nearly destroyed, my old apartment building in Greenfield, MA flooded! The current tenants are in a hotel now I think.... but I was spared. I said the Serenity Prayer a lot. There was little I could do. I was told to stay home, stay off the roads, and stay out of the way. I still haven't gone to see the damage in person. I'd like to, but I am also trying to be respectful to those who are doing the work and those who have lost their homes, businesses, farms, and streets. Although most of the power is back on there are still many who are homeless, and many roads that are closed.
My husband has detached. He knows he is powerless. I know I am powerless too, but I am still saddened by what has happened, and quite a bit awestruck too. I want to help. I want to get to those places and take pictures to show my child for when she gets older. I am curious... but it's not my problem. I can't control it. I can't fix it. I am remembering my Cs... so I am staying out of the way for a little longer. These things will take months to rebuild. There is time later to talk to folks and in the meantime I say my thanks and say my prayers to my higher powers.
Next week fittingly enough I plan to go to a church service. The congregation is doing something on water. It will be 9/11, but the focus won't be on that history for that service. The focus will be on coming together as a community because they have all been on a summer hiatus for a few weeks. I will bring my daughter and introduce her to new people. I hope that she likes it and will want to return in the weeks that follow. In doing this I hope to introduce her to a greater sense of a higher power. I know she has a small one, but I want to help her build on that now that she is starting Kindergarten. So maybe I will have something to say about all of that some time too.
If you've been in a 12-step program like AA or Al-Anon for a while then hopefully you have figured out that this 12-step stuff follows you EVERYWHERE!!! At least I hope it does!
I thought I would end this blog when my alcoholic parent moved away. It's a lot easier to maintain boundaries and detachments when I don't drive by her apartment on a weekly basis. However I have been aware that the concepts I learned from Al-Anon are helpful for me in other parts of my life as well. So I've decided that I am coming back to blog some more. You probably won't see me posting as much about my mother as I used to, but hopefully I will be able to post about how I am using the coping skills I learned from Al-Anon in other parts of my life such as my marriage, my job, parenting my child, losing weight, and whatever else I feel the urge to tie in.
A week ago New England, and elsewhere along the East Coast was hit by a storm named "Irene". I was fortunate. We had been camping in the White Mountains of New Hampshire before the storm hit, and decided to come home Saturday evening. We drove through Vermont and came back to Western Mass. The rain was already starting when we pulled into our driveway. We never lost power although we did lose internet for a while. From the comfort of my living room I learned of the devastation that hit near and far. Campgrounds that we had camped at last summer, covered bridges that we had photographed in July, the highway that we had traveled on just two days ago... and then closer to home, Shelburne Falls and the Bridge of Flowers nearly destroyed, my old apartment building in Greenfield, MA flooded! The current tenants are in a hotel now I think.... but I was spared. I said the Serenity Prayer a lot. There was little I could do. I was told to stay home, stay off the roads, and stay out of the way. I still haven't gone to see the damage in person. I'd like to, but I am also trying to be respectful to those who are doing the work and those who have lost their homes, businesses, farms, and streets. Although most of the power is back on there are still many who are homeless, and many roads that are closed.
My husband has detached. He knows he is powerless. I know I am powerless too, but I am still saddened by what has happened, and quite a bit awestruck too. I want to help. I want to get to those places and take pictures to show my child for when she gets older. I am curious... but it's not my problem. I can't control it. I can't fix it. I am remembering my Cs... so I am staying out of the way for a little longer. These things will take months to rebuild. There is time later to talk to folks and in the meantime I say my thanks and say my prayers to my higher powers.
Next week fittingly enough I plan to go to a church service. The congregation is doing something on water. It will be 9/11, but the focus won't be on that history for that service. The focus will be on coming together as a community because they have all been on a summer hiatus for a few weeks. I will bring my daughter and introduce her to new people. I hope that she likes it and will want to return in the weeks that follow. In doing this I hope to introduce her to a greater sense of a higher power. I know she has a small one, but I want to help her build on that now that she is starting Kindergarten. So maybe I will have something to say about all of that some time too.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
She's gone
I know everyone is celebrating Easter today, and I do wish everyone a Happy Easter. However this blog has never been about that. Today's blog is about my mother, and myself of course.
Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.
Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.
Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.
At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.
Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.
Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.
Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.
At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.
Friday, April 22, 2011
I'm not crying I swear!
I'm 40 years old and I'm not going to cry, not going to cry, not going to cry!!
okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.
Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.
No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.
This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.
Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.
How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Dammit!
Image by jimmy_ray via Flickr
okay... I'm not going to cry where anyone can see me because no one understands anyway, not even my husband.
Dear Daughter I promise I will never abandon you. Never ever. I will never leave you and then make you feel like it's your fault that I am going. I promise.
No one can make you feel guilty unless you let them. I know. I know. It's her choice that she's going.
This would all be better if it was June and work was slower instead of April when I am so busy. Right? It's her fault for the lousy timing. She doesn't want my help anyway. If she did then she would do it my way. She'd listen to my needs. Why does everything always have to be about her anyway. Now I'm getting angry.
Dammitt!!! Why does it have to hurt so much? Every time she leaves me I take it personally. I know it's not personal. She is just living her own life. I just don't like it. I thought I was doing a good job of detaching but not today. Today everything is all twisted up. My husband wants to know when he'll get his wife back. Hopefully by next Saturday.
How do I explain leaving to my 5 year old?
I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Dammit!
Image by jimmy_ray via FlickrFriday, August 20, 2010
The light at the end of the tunnel
We finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. With the subfloor in place, and the tub in place our house began to feel whole again. On Thursday I did the floor, not perfectly I admit. On Thursday night my husband fixed some of my mistakes but let others stay. A reminder to us someday that this project was done by us, humans, not perfect, just learning as we go.
Image via Wikipedia
Tomorrow morning we will leave the hotel. I think we are all homesick by now, and rather looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to the mess of home, but I am looking forward to having a kitchen and a yard again. It will be nice not to have to plan an activity and a restaurant every night. As much as I like swimming every day, I am ready for a break.
Image by Sarah and Jason via Flickr
When we get home we will need to finish the tub and the toilet. Hopefully the child will cooperate. Then we'll go do some fun things that we want to do. I'll let the husband hang with his friends, and I'll take the child to a small-town fair probably. The tub will dry. Eventually we'll need groceries, a shower curtain, and a few other things. Eventually it will get done.
In the meantime life goes on. My mother has left messages on the home machine which I have not returned. I figure I don't need to since I'm not home and not really hearing them. I'm just getting the news from my husband. Also a visit to my doctor's office this week told me that the "tests came back fine". They can't find anything wrong with me, but if I want to see a specialist for the pain a referral is available. What to do?
For this weekend I plan to just go with the flow. I'm looking forward to pajamas on a Sunday morning, maybe with coffee and pancakes. On Sunday I don't want to have to be anywhere or have anything planned. :-)
Image via Wikipedia
Image via WikipediaTomorrow morning we will leave the hotel. I think we are all homesick by now, and rather looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to the mess of home, but I am looking forward to having a kitchen and a yard again. It will be nice not to have to plan an activity and a restaurant every night. As much as I like swimming every day, I am ready for a break.
Image by Sarah and Jason via FlickrWhen we get home we will need to finish the tub and the toilet. Hopefully the child will cooperate. Then we'll go do some fun things that we want to do. I'll let the husband hang with his friends, and I'll take the child to a small-town fair probably. The tub will dry. Eventually we'll need groceries, a shower curtain, and a few other things. Eventually it will get done.
In the meantime life goes on. My mother has left messages on the home machine which I have not returned. I figure I don't need to since I'm not home and not really hearing them. I'm just getting the news from my husband. Also a visit to my doctor's office this week told me that the "tests came back fine". They can't find anything wrong with me, but if I want to see a specialist for the pain a referral is available. What to do?
For this weekend I plan to just go with the flow. I'm looking forward to pajamas on a Sunday morning, maybe with coffee and pancakes. On Sunday I don't want to have to be anywhere or have anything planned. :-)
Image via WikipediaThursday, August 12, 2010
Breathe in... breathe out
This is one of those times that I'm caught off guard. I didn't expect this to be so hard and yet here I am. My husband and I are pulling at each other. I am constantly reminded by myself and by him to detach and let go. This time it's letting go of my husband. We have a home repair project that as I write this is probably underway at least a little bit. My husband is in charge and is doing most of the work himself. However I keep butting in. "Shouldn't you be doing this? Did you think about that....?" and his reply "Do you trust me or not honey? I told you I can do this, now get out of my way and let me do this. You have your own list..."
and he's right of course. My job is to stay out of his way for the yesterday and today. Then tomorrow I take orders and help out as needed. Then Saturday and Sunday my job is to keep the child away from the house and entertained. I got to pick the hotel at least. :-)
Today my husband called me at work a few times and told me of the "discoveries" he was making. Added layers of work, added money to be spent at the big orange store, added time spent doing the work.
I plan to leave our house on Friday afternoon, after helping him for the day. On Monday I hope to return to a functioning home, that functions the way that it does today with all the things working. In the meantime I need to be practicing and practicing my letting go and letting god, my detaching, trust, the serenity prayer, and living one hour at a time.
Of course it doesn't end there either. On Saturday and Sunday I'll be mostly in "single parent mode" and I will be negotiating with our child what we will do, where we will spend our time, where we will eat, etc. It will be a seesaw ride of trying to keep her busy while not wearing myself out too much. She's got more energy than I do I think, and it can be hard to keep up. :-)
It's all worth it if things go well, and if things don't go well... well I don't want to think about that yet. I just need to get through the rest of this afternoon first. This moment, here, this blog post, etc.
Image via Wikipedia
and he's right of course. My job is to stay out of his way for the yesterday and today. Then tomorrow I take orders and help out as needed. Then Saturday and Sunday my job is to keep the child away from the house and entertained. I got to pick the hotel at least. :-)
Today my husband called me at work a few times and told me of the "discoveries" he was making. Added layers of work, added money to be spent at the big orange store, added time spent doing the work.
I plan to leave our house on Friday afternoon, after helping him for the day. On Monday I hope to return to a functioning home, that functions the way that it does today with all the things working. In the meantime I need to be practicing and practicing my letting go and letting god, my detaching, trust, the serenity prayer, and living one hour at a time.
Of course it doesn't end there either. On Saturday and Sunday I'll be mostly in "single parent mode" and I will be negotiating with our child what we will do, where we will spend our time, where we will eat, etc. It will be a seesaw ride of trying to keep her busy while not wearing myself out too much. She's got more energy than I do I think, and it can be hard to keep up. :-)
It's all worth it if things go well, and if things don't go well... well I don't want to think about that yet. I just need to get through the rest of this afternoon first. This moment, here, this blog post, etc.
Image via WikipediaTuesday, July 20, 2010
Sharing and experience
Someone posted on her blog about the difference she sees between sharing a problem and sharing a solution. When I first read it, I took it rather personally. Since I have recently been blogging about a specific situation with my mother, I felt like maybe her post was a response to mind. Now that I'm thinking it over though, I'm (almost) sure that's not the case. :-)
Anyway, for me I have a different experience. There are times when I want to blog about the "solution" and post about the slogans and the steps, and the recovery things that I am doing. Then there are other times where I feel it's important to identify something specific. I do this for 2 reasons. First of all, it's helpful to me. It helps my recovery and healing to put it all out there where I can see it, to process it, absorb it, and own it as my life. Second, I feel that in this sharing someone else might say "Hey, that's me too! I'm not alone in this!"
Many of us have crazy mothers. When I was in high school I thought I was the only one. Well, okay, I knew someone else who had a crazy mother but she was crazy in a different way. She had a lot of headaches and was sick all the time. The apartment had to be kept quiet and dark, and my friend was on his own a lot. My mother was different though. I felt very isolated in dealing with her. No one else I have ever known has had a parent quite like mine.
So I post both about the flareups that we have, and about how I am coping. A lot of days I am simply putting one foot in front of the other, living in the moment, and taking things one day at a time. I'm enjoying the little things like a cup of coffee with my husband this morning at Panera, child-free. I focus on the good, my family, and my friends. On some days I struggle though, and those are the times when I am more reflective, and likely to spend a long time writing out a blog post.
Anyway, for me I have a different experience. There are times when I want to blog about the "solution" and post about the slogans and the steps, and the recovery things that I am doing. Then there are other times where I feel it's important to identify something specific. I do this for 2 reasons. First of all, it's helpful to me. It helps my recovery and healing to put it all out there where I can see it, to process it, absorb it, and own it as my life. Second, I feel that in this sharing someone else might say "Hey, that's me too! I'm not alone in this!"
Many of us have crazy mothers. When I was in high school I thought I was the only one. Well, okay, I knew someone else who had a crazy mother but she was crazy in a different way. She had a lot of headaches and was sick all the time. The apartment had to be kept quiet and dark, and my friend was on his own a lot. My mother was different though. I felt very isolated in dealing with her. No one else I have ever known has had a parent quite like mine.
So I post both about the flareups that we have, and about how I am coping. A lot of days I am simply putting one foot in front of the other, living in the moment, and taking things one day at a time. I'm enjoying the little things like a cup of coffee with my husband this morning at Panera, child-free. I focus on the good, my family, and my friends. On some days I struggle though, and those are the times when I am more reflective, and likely to spend a long time writing out a blog post.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Roller coaster week and my mother's not even in it
It's been a roller coaster of a week for me. I don't know if it's PMS, depression, or what. The week started with a real "bleha...." I don't like my job right now. Okay, who does? My husband HATES his job. So I guess he's got it worse than me. Then I went up to a nice "hey, I can take Thursday off and have fun!" And I did! I kept my daughter out of school and we went to a big park with lots to do, and met with friends old and new. I got to see an old high school classmate, and spent some time chatting with her, and then later a friend who I've known only online caught up with us, with her 2 kids. Her daughter and my daughter really hit it off, and became instant friends. So that was great too. Then we came back to reality, tired and hot from the sun. Met up with my husband who told us he'd been sick that day and taken himself to the doctor's office but not told anybody (like his boss!). This is the same old thing as before. I'm tired and frustrated, and not at my best to begin with. So I came crashing down from my high to his level. I tried to perk up by going out last night anyway, but I was just too tired and drained, so I turned around and came back home after giving my apologies to the people I was supposed to meet up with.
I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".
My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.
So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.
I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".
My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.
So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.
Monday, May 24, 2010
stuck in my own head
I've been stuck in my own head lately. I've tried reading books, and talking to friends, but I keep coming back to the "what ifs" and all the other things that seem to poison my mind. I got an argument over nothing with my husband yesterday and blamed it on PMS. It didn't matter though, the apology didn't matter. He was hurt, I was wrong, and he took our daughter and left for a few hours. I had more time to myself, more time to stew in my own head, not a good time.
This morning the child was troublesome, but he and I were back on the same page again. I'm grateful for this. I don't like it when we get misaligned. I'm still off somewhere though, and trying to find my way back to the present. I'm not sure why.
This morning the child was troublesome, but he and I were back on the same page again. I'm grateful for this. I don't like it when we get misaligned. I'm still off somewhere though, and trying to find my way back to the present. I'm not sure why.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
thinking of the single parents out there
This morning I woke up before my daughter. My husband is away this week, a rare occurrence, so I actually had the living room to myself for a few minutes. I took a few sips of coffee and enjoyed the peace and tranquility for the moment.
I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.
So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.
At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".
Peace.
I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.
So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.
At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".
Peace.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
being positive
Syd said something about being an optimist or a pessimist. Interesting to me today because I was noticing something of a similar nature. I've noticed that some people LIKE being negative. They post on their Facebook page about a problem or some drama in their lives and they want the pity. If someone tries to counter it with "it's not that bad..." kind of thing, it gets dismissed. They would rather have the toxicity in their lives for some reason, and I just don't get that. I don't know if I need to stop being friends with them, but I definitely feel myself detaching.
Next week will be a challenge for me. I know I can do it, I've done it before. Every year it gets easier when my husband goes away but I never look forward to it. I'm trying not to dwell on it as a negative experience though. I'm trying to think of it as um... a week of unpredictability. A week when I just have to completely let go of any expectations I have of anything regarding my home life and just be the best I can for those around me.
Tomorrow may or may not be the beginning of some of it, and by noon Saturday I'll probably be fully submerged. The weekdays will be challenging, but it will all be over by next Friday night and I know I can do it. So if I'm absent, be patient with me. I'm with you all in spirit. I'm just going to be busy and distracted for a while.
Next week will be a challenge for me. I know I can do it, I've done it before. Every year it gets easier when my husband goes away but I never look forward to it. I'm trying not to dwell on it as a negative experience though. I'm trying to think of it as um... a week of unpredictability. A week when I just have to completely let go of any expectations I have of anything regarding my home life and just be the best I can for those around me.
Tomorrow may or may not be the beginning of some of it, and by noon Saturday I'll probably be fully submerged. The weekdays will be challenging, but it will all be over by next Friday night and I know I can do it. So if I'm absent, be patient with me. I'm with you all in spirit. I'm just going to be busy and distracted for a while.
Monday, May 3, 2010
crap about my mother
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my mother asking for some jewelry to be returned to her. I couldn't find the jewelry and my mother was insistent that I had it.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Inspiration
Some bloggers are posting today about not feeling inspired, and others are doling out whole lists of what inspires them. So I'm inspired to write about "inspiration".
Actually I thought I'd share something about how I just get through a day when I feel like I can't get through it. Maybe it will help someone.
A long time ago I was sitting in church, I was a young teen probably, and had a world of trouble in my life with my alcoholic mother, divorced parents, boyfriends or whatever. Suicide was not an uncommon thought in those days, depression was common for me. So there I was one day and in our small little church that I attended with my father and maternal grandmother. I felt like the minister was talking to me, and maybe he was. There were only about 20-30 people there. He told a story about how when you get up in the morning and you just know the day is going to be crap basically, then think of something good at the end of the day and hang on to that thought all day long. That thought might be something as simple as brushing your teeth at bedtime, or eating a banana after school. It may not seem like much, but sometimes we don't have much to grasp on to.
I hung onto that. I don't have all the words to that sermon, and the minister died several years ago, but boy I liked him. He inspired me, he spoke to me, somehow, he got it.
So when your life seems like crap, and you don't have anything to look forward, put that banana or apple on your calendar for 7:15pm or whatever, and hang onto it for dear life if you need to.
Actually I thought I'd share something about how I just get through a day when I feel like I can't get through it. Maybe it will help someone.
A long time ago I was sitting in church, I was a young teen probably, and had a world of trouble in my life with my alcoholic mother, divorced parents, boyfriends or whatever. Suicide was not an uncommon thought in those days, depression was common for me. So there I was one day and in our small little church that I attended with my father and maternal grandmother. I felt like the minister was talking to me, and maybe he was. There were only about 20-30 people there. He told a story about how when you get up in the morning and you just know the day is going to be crap basically, then think of something good at the end of the day and hang on to that thought all day long. That thought might be something as simple as brushing your teeth at bedtime, or eating a banana after school. It may not seem like much, but sometimes we don't have much to grasp on to.
I hung onto that. I don't have all the words to that sermon, and the minister died several years ago, but boy I liked him. He inspired me, he spoke to me, somehow, he got it.
So when your life seems like crap, and you don't have anything to look forward, put that banana or apple on your calendar for 7:15pm or whatever, and hang onto it for dear life if you need to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)