Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm so behind... I should be reading instead of writing

Wow, what a week! The kid kept me home on Tuesday because she was sick. The weather kept us all home yesterday- snow and rain. I'm guessing I'll be going home to a wet basement today because it hasn't stopped raining all day. Well maybe it HAS stopped by now. Still probably will be a mess at home.

I violated my own boundaries on Sunday by giving my mother a ride to the grocery store. I told myself that since I was alone and her apartment was on my way then it couldn't do any harm. I was wrong. I called her very last minute and she quickly agreed to go with me. We stopped at the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my daughter's prescriptions, then I got gas, and then we went to the grocery store. We did our shopping, and I brought her home. It wasn't until later that night that my husband found her shopping bag from the pharmacy in the car. In the haste of getting her groceries out, she had forgotten about the bag from the pharmacy. I called her the next morning to tell her we had found it. She said she wasn't worried about it and could get it anytime BUT..... and this is where I kick myself.... when I bring it over could she also have the rolodex that used to be my grandmother's, that she gave me back in September because she needs some addresses off of it. Um... I put grandma's stuff in bags and boxes and packed it away months ago. I'm not ready to look at it yet. I'm still grieving her loss. I was home for 2 extra days this week and I still didn't look for it. This is not the first time that she has asked for things back that were my grandmother's. If she didn't want me to have them, then why did she give them to me in the first place?? Because she didn't want the clutter probably. So now I have to dig through my piles when I have time and find this for her. I should learn not to do favors for her because there is always a price.

Yeah, we are supposed to Live and Let Live, but I failed at that on Sunday. After I brought my mom home on Sunday, I came home with the groceries. My husband and daughter were just returning from a long walk. As I was bringing in the grocery bags I heard gun shots, and told my husband. He said "Well the neighbors had company and they were shooting with a rifle off the deck as we walked by"... UM??? A man was holding a rifle, aimed in your general direction, and you walked by???  I made him call the cops. The cops came, the visitors admitted to the crime,  and the cops took the rifle away. I'm not sure what will happen next. Maybe I should have just thanked my HP that my husband and daughter made it home safely and left it at that, but I couldn't. I was too shocked and angry at the whole situation. If I had been walking with them I probably would have raised holy hell, so we're all grateful that I wasn't there. Not smart to start a fight with someone with a gun when you don't have one yourself after all. Anyway, we'll see what happens next.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Today I'm grateful for...

Today I'm grateful for all of you who read what I write, and take the time to comment. I don't always take the time to comment on everyone's blogs because I don't always have something original and witty to say, but thanks to you for stopping by.

I'm also grateful that our false fire alarm this morning happened on such a beautiful sunny day. I think it was 35 degrees out, and I still had my coat on when it happened. Not a bad start to my work day at all.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"I have some glue inside me to fix my broken heart"

My daughter said that this morning. She's going to be late for school tomorrow because of a medical appointment, and she hates being late for school. She's not even 4 years old yet, and she's already figured out that she has the power to fix her own broken heart. It makes me a little sad, but glad at the same time. It's a good lesson for me too. I have to remember that I carry my own glue bottle. Can't count on anyone else to do the repairs for me.

On another front, I was meditating on a problem with my mother. She was hinting strongly that she was having trouble getting rides to the grocery store. I knew I couldn't give her the rides because that was outside of my boundaries. However I was thinking about whether or not I should help her advertise for some help. I wasn't sure if I should assist her with it or not, so I was trying to meditate and wait for an answer. I was waiting for her to ask me for help before I helped her I guess. Well, when I talked to her yesterday she said her problem has been solved. Even though she's still a month shy of her 60th birthday, she's been put on the list to receive "on demand" transportation. This means she can call a bus company and for a small fee ($1-$5) they will drive her to the grocery store, a friend's house, the laundromat, or wherever she needs to go. It's nice to see that things worked out for her without my meddling.  :-)

Friday, February 12, 2010

Choose to Think Positive!

I was doing one of my readings this morning and it was about THINK, and I thought "oh, that's a good one! I need to do that. I need to slow down and listen more..."

Then on the way in this morning I was thinking about how excited I am for some of our plans this weekend and I know my husband is not excited. I wonder how my daughter will feel? Will I have to explain to her why her daddy is not happy? What will I say? (A lot of "what if's" in there!!!).. anyway I decided that I would say "I am choosing to be happy..."

My father told me that once when my grandmother was depressed. He said "She will be happy when she chooses to be happy, or she won't. You can't make her happy...."  It's so true. I can't make my husband happy about going to a party or doing things, but I can choose to be happy myself. (Back to working my program, and not working his, etc...).

When I got to work there were some coworkers celebrating and leaving work early. A great lead-in to a 3-day weekend. The sun is shining today, my daughter is excited about Valentine's Day, and people are choosing to be happy. A great start to my work day, and I've managed to keep my mood up all day. When I start to slip down, I put the headphones on or I get up from my desk and go for a quick walk around. Only an hour left, and it's working so far.

So my words to live by this weekend are "Choose to think positive" because there is just so much in that for me.

Happy Valentine's Day, Happy President's Day, Happy Chinese New Year.... whatever you celebrate, have fun!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Working my own program

I was getting caught up on some shows on Biography last night, and one of them happened to be an interview with Tim Allen on "Shatner's Raw Nerve". The shows are only a portion of a longer interview that is viewable online, however I haven't taken the time to watch the full-length versions yet. Anyway, Tim Allen talked a little bit about his recovery from drugs and alcohol and mentioned that he was running his own race. It doesn't matter what the other drivers are doing, it only matters on what he is doing for himself. He was a race car driver for 6 years, on top of doing his tv show full-time, and he never won a race, but he had fun doing it. He said he applies his racing philosophies to a lot of other parts of his life, but his racing philosophies also were said in AA terms. Shatner recognized this right away, and they talked a bit more about it. Come to think of it, several of Shatner's guests talk about addiction and recovery. It's amazing how widespread the diseases of addiction are sometimes.

The reminder of "running my own race" is a good one though. In Al-Anon we are reminded to work our own program, and not worry about the qualifier in our life. I need to work more on this. I know it's what Al-Anon is all about, but I get distracted sometimes. My husband sometimes want to help each other out, and that's okay, but I have to be careful in life in general to remember to mind my own business sometimes. Tim Allen's interview with William Shatner was a good reminder of that.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Just stuff...

So we made it through the weekend without any major dramas or trips to the E.R. or anything. I am very grateful for that.

We are possibly planning a long weekend in March. I say "possibly" because we're still looking at hotel rates and seeing if my husband can get the time off. He reminded me that it will be fun as long as we KEEP IT SIMPLE! No big itineraries or anything. That KISS slogan will really have to be my mantra for the trip if it happens.

Syd posted something a couple of days ago about something that Enchanted Oak posted. I think I'm too late for this now, but I'll do it anyway. The instructions are to write something simple that you enjoy I think, and of course include a link to Enchanted Oak.

SO here goes--
Simple things- snuggling with my daughter at bedtime, holding her in my lap to read a story every morning, and a good cup of coffee anytime. I also enjoy holding my husband's hand while one of us drives. Those are some simple things I enjoy. Somewhere I have a beautiful poem that I wrote many years ago about the simple things I love. The poem begins "Sunrise, Sunset, the raccoon who ate the cheese..." and goes from there, but I can't recite it anymore. I used to be able to do it, but it's been too many years.

As to the links, many thanks to Syd and Chris--

And there ya go... that's all I've got for today.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Once upon a time, in a lifetime or two or three ago... once long ago, I had an acquaintance, a friend of a friend... this acquaintance was quite smart, but also dull. A monotone voice that could remember and quote from a great number of sources, but this acquaintance just seemed "flat". I guess that's the best way to describe him. Our mutual friend told me once in hushed tones that the flatness was because of a certain prescription that the acquaintance was taking.

Flash forward to now, many lifetimes and many years later. My husband has just been given a prescription for that certain prescription. When he gave me the news, while I was driving, I listened and outwardly gave no sign of fear. Inwardly though I am cringing, and I know that's wrong. I have a fear, an expectation, that he is going to have the same reaction to this prescription. I am worried that he too will be "flat" and boring. I know that my fears are irrational though, and I am doing my best to let them go. I have to Let Go and Let God guide us through this journey, and just because I knew someone, not closely, long, long ago who might have possibly had this reaction to this medication does not mean my husband will too. I know this. I do, I really do.

It's a medication with some stigma attached to it so there is also some secrecy involved, some shame, but we don't call it that, do we? No. I say I am being discreet and respectful of his privacy. It's up to him to tell who he wants to tell, and not my news to share. So when someone asks I say "Everything is fine. He's doing well, and losing weight." That is true. It's not the whole truth, but it is true as far as I've said it and it is all that anyone needs to know unless he volunteers to tell them more.

It's been a rough week. I think my daughter and I are both looking forward to some "down time" this weekend. We will probably get it too. A quiet weekend ahead of us, and then the next weekend will be busy. Or so I expect.  :-)

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I am guessing that a lot of us have the "Serenity Prayer" posted somewhere where we can see it often. This morning I took extra time to read from my books before I left for work. This meant not packing my lunch because I didn't have quite enough time. It's been a rough week, and I didn't want to wait until lunch time or break time to do my reading. This week I am feeling like lots of little pellets or stones are being thrown at me. Nothing big, just the small stuff. "Don't sweat the small stuff". I know. I am trying to approach today the same way I approach the first 6.3 miles of my commute. From our house there are several directions we can take, but the one we take most often involves a 6.3 mile journey to a state road. (I actually checked it last night to get the mileage right). Those miles can seem to take a long time, especially if the weather is bad. The speed limits vary from 15 mph to 35 mph. So I mentally break the trip up into easier pieces. First we get to the mailbox, then we get to the beach. Those sections are easiest. I can even walk that far. Then we go a little more, to the small store. Next stop is the church, and finally the hard part right (which looks easy but is often icy) before we get to the state road.
Today I am going to take the same approach. I'm doing some desk work now, and in a minute I'll do some work upstairs. Then I'll go to a department meeting. And so the day will go. One piece at a time. If I take it in pieces it won't seem so bad. I know this. I can get through the next 10 minutes. And then I can get through the next half hour. Etc. I'd like to bring some music with me upstairs, but I probably won't this time. Maybe later. Today I just want the serenity to focus on the tasks at hand.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Feeling better

I posted my last post yesterday during my lunch break at work. As the afternoon progressed I eventually was able to "Let Go and Let God". Indeed the opinions of others are not what matters. It is myself that matters, and I cannot let hurtful words from online friends control me. By the end of the day I had let it go and it wasn't bothering me anymore. Today I feel at peace. I know that I can choose when to listen, and when to walk away. I always have that choice. I am reminding myself of choices now today too.

My husband is tired today. He had a business meeting last night and had to go into work early this morning. However the business meeting was his choice. If he is tired today it is because of the choices he made, and he knows that. I am doing well today to mind my own business and not try to "fix" things for him. That's not easy for me, but I'm doing it one minute, one hour, one step at a time.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Name calling

Someone called me an "enabler" today and I'm still stinging from it. It's someone who I've never met face-to-face, but only know online. I don't think of myself as being an "enabler", but I think it can be a fine line between being a "supportive family member" and being an "enabler". I've never been an enabler with my mother. I've practiced a lot of tough love with her. With my husband though, I worry about that, and being accused is really throwing me into self-doubt. He's got some medical issues that he is working through with his doctor. I know it's his illness, his body (and mind), and he's an adult. He can work this through on his own, but I am trying to be there for support. Occasionally I go with him to the doctor's office, but not always. Yesterday I did and on Thursday I won't. Mostly I don't go, but if it's urgent I do go if I can.

I am also concerned about being a "toxic person". No one has actually called me that, but the fact that I've been called an "enabler" has made me wonder. Am I "toxic"? Am I the very kind of person that I don't think I am?? God I hope not. Would I know it if I was??

These are not good thoughts, and can be draining if I let them take over. I need to shut off those voices and live in the moment. I have work to do and a family who needs me, and a book to read if time permits. If someone else thinks I am something, then I need to let that be her problem, and not let it control ME.