Still here.... but detaching

I stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.

The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.

I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.

The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.

So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.

I just need to let it go.

Does your faith sustain you?

I was thinking about this earlier today. Does your faith sustain you? Can you turn to it when you are trying to sort out a secular problem? Or do you go to church on Sundays and forget about it the rest of the week?

What about your Al-Anon program? Is it just something you focus on during a meeting, or when you are dealing with the alcoholic in your life? Or do you use the tools when coping with other things in life?

I haven't been to meetings in a long, long time but the tools I have gained from those meetings, and from the literature which I still have, stays with me. I try to apply it to my daily life.

My husband needs to see his doctor. Know what? It's NOT MY PROBLEM. I have to let that go and let him live his own life.

We bought a new car. I feel guilty, Know what? I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I am allowed good things in life. Just because my mother doesn't have a car (too many DUIs) doesn't mean I deserve something less for myself. I need to let go of the guilt!

My kid has days when she chooses to be in a bad mood. Know what? I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. (Granted I check myself to make sure I didn't cause it.) I need to let that go too.

Every day, multiple times a day, I find myself using the tools from Al-Anon.

Whether you use the tools from Al-Anon or the tools from your favorite religious teachings I hope they sustain you through good times and bad.

update on mom & etc.

Obviously the blog isn't always first on my list. :-)

My mom is home and stable. She had some help, and I think she's still getting some, but she settling into a new normal. Ultimately we decided not to run right down there. We will see her in August as part of a larger vacation.

I've been the "bad daughter" and not been calling as often as she would like me to. I do not want the drama that I know I will get when she answers the phone. She's really under weight at this point and has been told not to exercise because she can't afford the calorie burn. On the one hand I understand the logic, but on the other hand I worry about the lack of muscle and about her getting weaker. It's not my life though. It's not my battle to wage. I keep my distance and let her live her way. She'll do it her way anyway. No point in stressing myself out about it.

So "my program" of detachment is working for now. It may get more interesting as we get closer to that visit in August. It will be a short one. Lots of time on the road and not a lot of time to actually visit.

I turned to Hazeldon's website, but today's quote doesn't really match my thoughts here. Still, it's a good resource. Look it up, if you are so inclined.

Update on Mom & family

Oops! I let February and March go by without posting after promising to get back on track. I'm sorry dear readers.

In January I posted that my mom spent New Years in the hospital, well she just spent Easter in the hospital as well. She fell down and broke a couple things and needed surgery on Easter morning. There was some question as to whether they would do the surgery because of her heart condition but they decided to go forward.

I want to get away from the details of her health though. Al-Anon teaches us to focus on ourselves, not on others. It scared me that she fell while in the process of trying to start her moped/scooter. She was trying to drive. I'm not sure she'll be driving anything again. I can certainly hope for that anyway. I'm still talking about mom, aren't I? Well I'm getting there.

One of my fears over my lifetime is that she would go to jail for her crimes. This current stint in the hospital is giving me hope that maybe that won't be the case. How much trouble can she get in if she loses her ability to drive? While it will pain her mentally, it gives me some peace of mind to see her confined somewhat.

I am struggling with guilt and obligation right now. Trying to weigh whether I should visit or not. Visiting isn't just a drive across town. It's a significant investment of time, money, and energy. Right now my thinking is that I will wait it out and maybe visit when she's back in her apartment again unless I need to go down sooner for a legal obligation or something. It's not that I lack compassion, I'm just not sure I can be of use.

I've said to my friends recently that my husband and I are entering that sandwich period in life where we are still raising a child and also being faced with our parents being more needy. What do they each need? How can we be there for them without being in the way? These are questions we are asking ourselves. How to be a parent to our parents without insulting our parents is not easy stuff. We're just starting to navigate those waters I think.

When a parent passes away the lines are clearly defined as to what needs doing, but when a parent is in "ill health" it can be a little tricky deciding when to drop everything to get to his/her side. We have another parent who is telling us not to visit but isn't well either. I think we are wanted, but the words we are hearing tell us otherwise. For us to go and visit would be disrespectful I think so we are holding off. If they lived somewhere that was convenient we might get away with saying we were in the neighborhood, but that isn't the case. I do hope we can see them this summer though, somehow. Again, negotiating all of that FOG and also being aware that our parents are getting older, and our time left together is getting smaller.

As the snow melts and school vacations approach I am full of worry and wonder about what the coming months will bring.

Trying to get back on track

I was reading another person's Al-Anon blog and happened to look over to the sidebar see my Tari's Steps blog listed. Saw that I had not updated in over a year!! Ooops!

So I am going to try to get back on track with posting here. One thing that has held me back is that I feel less anonymous than I did when I first started this thing and I am worried that people who know me, or maybe even people who don't know me, will judge me in some way. I need to let that go. I can't let other people's opinions of me hold me back. Right?

So here we go.... a year plus 2 months has passed since I last wrote. What's happened? Not much is new. My mom is still sick, I am still dealing with boundary issues with my family, and life goes on. I'll give you the update though.

My mother's weight is down to under 100 pounds. Last I heard she was at 96. She spent several hours of New Years in the hospital with chest pains but ultimately walked out in frustration. Her heart is weak. She's still drinking and she's on at least a dozen prescriptions for various things and seeing a variety of doctors. She believes she's had some mini-strokes as well. She'll be 65 in a couple of months.

My brother got in touch with me on Facebook and we seemed to be connecting. He was due to be a father for the 6th time, and I imagine the baby may even have been born by now. When he asked me to contact mom and say "thank you" for him I refused. He's in his 30s and I think he is old enough to say "thank you" himself. If he can't then maybe he should return the gift. So he responded by blocking me out of his life. I guess I should call someone and find out if my youngest niece or nephew has been born yet. I think it was a niece they were expecting.

Meanwhile my home life goes on. I get older, I get heavier, and my daughter pushes on with elementary school growing as kids do. My husband has had some health scares and I've done my best to apply what I've learned in Al-Anon to those scares as well. I need to work hard to let things go and to take things one day at a time sometimes. I can't fix it all. I can only take care of what is mine to take care of.

And so life goes on. Again, I'll try to be better this year, in 2015, about keeping up with things.

wow, has it really been since August?

So we had that vacation. My mother hasn't mentioned her cancer lately. She had a scare where she thought she had MS, but she doesn't. Something is going on with her, but what else is new?

I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.

The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.

I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.

preparing for vacation & keeping the focus on myself

Today is the last day of day camp for my daughter this summer. We will spend the next 10 days together until school starts on August 28th. I need to remind myself of my Al-Anon right now.

1. Keep it simple
2. Let go of expectations
3. Keep the focus on myself!  This is especially true when dealing with my husband. I keep thinking of HIS to-do lists and I need to focus on MY OWN!!
4. Worrying is a waste of energy.

And truly if I focus on myself then I am happier. My mother has cancer again. My mother is upset that we are not coming to see her during this vacation time. These are my mother's problems, not mine. If I don't think about her problems I will be happier.

My husband has been sick. He has an infection and isn't cured yet. He is going to the doctor's office, taking his medication, etc. etc. He is taking care of himself. I should not waste my energy worrying. If I do not waste my energy worrying I am happier.

Today is payday. Today I will leave work early. Today I will try to find time to relax. Today I saw 2 herons and 2 deer on my way to work this morning at sunrise. Today I am happy.

One moment at a time. Right now I am happy, excited, maybe even manic. Keeping my focus on me is a good thing.

I need to do that in the next 10 days, and not let other people weigh me down.

Fall is coming. The cool mornings are already here. I am going to go and have a GREAT vacation before it gets cold again.

Be well my friends.

And we're off and into it!

Yes those early mornings started last week. My alarm goes off at 4:15am. I am awake when the newspaper carrier throws the paper up on the deck, using the house as a backboard. I hear the "thump" and turn on the light and retrieve the paper as his car pulls away. On Fridays I get up at 4:15 am anyway even though there is no reading class. If I'm doing it Monday-Thursday anyway I may as well do it on Fridays. I let the other two get an extra hour of sleep though, and use that time to myself. We have completed Week 1 of the schedule, and are in Week 2 now.

On Saturday we visited the local children's picture art museum, and on Sunday we visited the local living history museum. I didn't set the alarm clock on those mornings. We took our time leaving the house. They were still full days though.

The lawn will still be there when I have more time. Children keep growing though. I have a handwritten list of each week of summer with the two, three, or four activities that we have scheduled for the week. I check it off as we go along.  I still haven't finished putting photos in my daughter's memory book from May and June. I just haven't had time. I will  get there though, eventually. In the meantime we are halfway through July, on week four of summer camp. On Friday we will be at the halfway point. After week eight we get our BIG FAMILY VACATION. Still, I am trying to enjoy each week and not just think of it as biding time, checking off things on the list. Each day is important, or it should be. I try to pause, to listen, and to answer questions. Answer questions like "Why do some people get married and other people don't? How does that happen?" Because 7 will turn into 7 1/2 and then 8 and then 18 all too soon.

I know this just like 30 turned into 42, and how is it that my mother is now 63. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating her turning 50, and now I'm closer to that milestone than she is. How did that happen?

Stay cool, enjoy the summer, and appreciate your moment in time. Let it go and leave your expectations at the door. That's what it is all about. Am I right, reader?

Life goes on

Kind of difficult to follow up from that last post. Life goes on.

After the visit with my mother, my husband arrived in Tampa for the weekend. His mother did too. We spent two days as the four of us doing some touristy stuff. Then on Monday we flew home. I won't go into those details because this blog isn't about them. Every family has dynamics and the relationships here are their own.

Life goes on. After the Florida trip we had a quiet Mother's Day weekend. Then we zoomed through the last of the school year with day trips and special school events, and all of the normal things that happen in a normal family with a school child.

This week we began Summer Day Camp. The schedule is 2 weeks of camp, then 4 weeks of OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY, and then 2 more weeks of camp. THEN we will get our vacation.

To expand on the OH MY GOD IT'S TOO EARLY bit.. For four weeks, Monday-Thursday my husband is going to have to bring our daughter to school for reading help BEFORE camp starts. On Fridays they get a break and can just go to camp. My daughter likes the teacher and is looking forward to seeing her for some one on one time. My husband and I have a... EXPECTATION that these days are not going to go smoothly. Sad, but true. We are doing what we should do to help our child, but we are dreading those mornings already and they are still over a week away. It starts July 8th.

So I am working on LETTING GO because I will already be at work when they hurry out of the house, and I will not be there at all for these early morning reading sessions. I will really not be involved at all except to get myself out of the way early enough in the morning so that they can get themselves up and out of the house in time for this. Really working on my Al-Anon here. It is completely beyond my control. It is none of my business. I can't control it, etc. etc.. It all comes into play I think. Applying my Al-Anon to something so simple and yet so stressful that hasn't even happened yet.

In the meantime in case I don't write, I hope you all have a Happy 4th of July!

May you find peace today.

Post #200 Visit to see mom is complete

On Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.

Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.

After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.

Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.

We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.

The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.

Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.

She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.

It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.

I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sorry I haven't been on here much. Sometimes life just gets in the way of things. I've been working on a novel for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), taking photographs of my beautiful neighborhood in Western Massachusetts, and just generally trying to keep up with my daily life in so many places. I actually write four blogs, and it's not uncommon for me to fall behind on one or more of them. Since my mother moved to Florida, and I am not often in "crisis mode" with my Al-Anon, it is easier to let this one slide. That's not to say I'm not practicing the gifts that Al-Anon has given me though.

Yesterday I had an hour to myself unexpectedly. There wasn't time to work on the novel, but there was time to call my mother or take some photos at the state beach. I chose the photos. I chose serenity. During the holidays it is important to me to Keep It Simple Stupid, to remember to THINK (thoughtful, helpful, informative, Nice/Necessary, Kind), and to practice the serenity prayer.

Really that serenity prayer is harder than it looks. Take it apart line by line, and sometimes it's really hard to know it. "God grant me the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes I don't feel I have that wisdom, but I keep trying.

I have friends, neighbors, family, and possibly coworkers with cancer right now. It seems like it is all around me. I can't cure it. I didn't cause it. I know this. I can't control it either. I've learned those 3 C's well. However, I can help maybe. I can organize a card drive, I can make a donation, I can spread awareness through my Facebook page. I am doing what I can.

I am grateful for my family, my job, and my serenity. I am grateful for Al-Anon in keeping me alive when I did not think I would make it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Accepting what you're given (from your HP or elsewhere)

I want to write a post and I know I don't have time or the right words to do it at the moment, but it's coming... and before I lose the thought completely here's the gist of it...

I am accepting what I have been given by my HP. I'm not running away from it. I am taking it. Some of it is good, and some of it not so good. I made a choice to put my child first for a couple of weeks and that has made coming back to work hard. There is a lot to do (which is why I shouldn't be writing this right now). My mom has cancer. It's a common skin cancer. The old me would have freaked out. I'm staying calm. It's not in my hands. I have given it over. Worrying is not going to make it better.

I live in a town where one of my ex-boyfriends grew up. We didn't last long I'm afraid but I think of him often because I pass by where his house used to be. Indeed I drove by the day the local firefighters used it as practice (it had long been empty I suppose). Anyway, the other day he reached out to me on Facebook. At first I was nervous but so far he only wants to talk about himself and I'm good with that. I am interested in hearing what has happened in the last 21 years since our youthful time together. We all have our journey in life and I am listening with open ears I hope because I have been thinking of him during the last few years. Indeed I am grateful to hear from him and find out how things have gone (his marriage ended in divorce, his father died, etc..). This gives me some sense of closure or something. I don't know. I am accepting it as a gift.

More later I hope, but that's where I'm at the moment and I wanted you all to know I was out here meditating on this whole thing. There's more but I'm on borrowed time as it is.

not quite serenity but acceptance maybe

Funny how time passes. Has it really been 3 months sine I've written? My mother is still in Florida only by now she's changed her address. She moved across the street. She went from a 2-bedroom with no balcony to a 1-bedroom with a balcony. Naturally she had to sell some things to afford the paperwork for the move. Naturally her boyfriend and his friends helped her. She met her boyfriend through a former neighbor at her old place. Her boyfriend's mother lived there and introduced her. I think part of the reason for the move was probably to get away from the mother. Anyway my mother's health issues continue. I think at this point she may have kidney disease or something but it's hard to know for sure. She's undergoing some testing and my understanding is she's been in and out of the hospital quite a bit lately. Hasn't stopped her from an occasional motorcycle ride though, without a helmet. I just hope she's not the one doing the driving. Live and Let Live, right? It is so much easier to do that with her being in Florida than it was when she was here in Massachusetts.

Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.

Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.

Carrying Al-Anon with me in all of my affairs

I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. My daughter's birthday is coming up in less than a week, and it has definitely given me the opportunity to "practice it in all of my affairs".

Last week we had our first swimming lesson of the NEW swimming lessons. I had EXPECTATIONS. Oh boy! I had expectations that my daughter would adapt to a new teacher, a new time (by 30 minutes), and a new class. I spent a half hour of sheer insanity and frustration with her that night because she wasn't meeting MY expectations, because she wasn't doing things MY way. Sound familiar? How many times have we tried to control other people in our lives? Does it work? Do we keep trying anyway? Of course we do! LOL! After the failed lesson I talked to my spouse, and the next day I talked to a trusted friend, and then I LET GO, and I LET GOD. I reassessed my priorities, and thought about what was REALLY important, and you know what? It worked. I LET GO. We switched to a different class, back to her old teacher, and her old time slot. She's still moving upward from the class she had in March so she will be learning new skills. It is all going to work out fine. I just needed to LET GO so it could happen.

Now we are getting ready for the BIG BIRTHDAY PARTY. It's the first time we've invited so many kids, rented a space, and made a big deal out of it. It's costing us some money, time, and frustration. My biggest problem is that the parents aren't RSVPing on time. On some level I need those RSVPs so I can be ready for the party. I have to give a head-count the day before the party so setup can be done. However I also need to remember that the party is only 2 HOURS of my life! It is not worth going insane over. I need to check myself, and recheck myself. What are my expectations? What do I really need? If they get back to me tomorrow instead of today, is that okay? At what point do I draw the lines? So today, I am letting go. I am not calling anyone or nagging anyone. I have enough on my plate with other things. Tomorrow I will make phone calls if need be, but for today I am letting it go and handing it over and hoping that people have the decency to reach out to us. I wanted to know by yesterday, but I am hoping those that still need to RSVP will do it today on their own.

I am also managing my sanity by delegating. I asked my dad to be in charge of Easter lunch plans. I put my husband in charge of Easter Bunny stuff (hiding the eggs, getting the Easter basket, etc). I am devoting myself to the party, and all of the birthday business. I am letting those two take care of Easter.

I am really trying to MAINTAIN PERSPECTIVE, LET GO, and control my EXPECTATIONS. It is one weekend, and by April 15th it will all be over hopefully. :-)

Enjoy your Easter/Passover weekend friends. May your Higher Power always be with you.

our lives go on

Sorry for not posting in a while. Predictably my urge to post here has decreased since my mother moved back to Florida. It is easier to cope with an addict when you have more distance between you.

She fell and broke her arm. She fell because she was so frail that when she stood up she just blacked out or something. At least that's what she told me. Now she has a health aide coming to her apartment twice/week to check her blood pressure to make sure it isn't too low. It is also going to take her a long time to heal her arm. She can'd drive her scooter thing of course as a result so she's rather homebound I guess. I gather that she is quite thin, probably about 100 pounds or 105 pounds. (In contrast I'm having trouble staying under the 200 pound mark.). For a woman of her height the weight is too low, and if her blood pressure is too low too then that is all just not so good.

Still things could be worse. About ten days ago we were informed that the mother of one of my daughter's classmates had cancer and was terminal. I asked if she would be gone before June and I was told much sooner than that. Still I wasn't quite prepared for it to happen as fast as it did. By the time school started on Friday morning she was already gone. She left behind a kindergartener and a preschooler, as well as a niece and nephew who shared her home.. all kids in my daughter's school. So sad for our small town to see such a loss. She had a great support network and was well known and loved. Her husband, children, sister, and so forth will not be grieving alone. Cancer is a terrible disease.

I saw the sign from the American Red Cross to give blood and get a free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Remembering how long it had taken me the last time I went I called ahead and made an appointment to give. I did it on a Friday afternoon and felt shaky for a long, long time afterward. Still I will do it again in March I think when I am eligible again. It's a small way to help others and God only knows if/when it will be my turn to ask for help some day.

Grateful

I posted this on my blog on  www.Sparkpeople.com 

I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.

1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.

2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.

3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.

4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.

5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.

6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.

7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)

8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits  instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.

9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.

10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.

11. I am grateful for my daughter.

12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!

13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."

14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.

15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!

More on finding my former foster siblings

I posted this somewhere else but I thought I would share it here too..

It's Mental Health Awareness week. Did you know that?

My mother is an alcoholic. I can say that now. When I was growing up it wasn't allowed. She's been married and divorced 3 times and has been "single" now for many, many years although she almost always has a boyfriend around somewhere. She can't stand to be "alone".

When I was growing up she was married to my step-father (now ex-step-father) for a few years. During that time they tried to have kids but my mom kept having miscarriages. So they decided to do foster care. We got a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. My parents still wanted a baby though so when I was 9 years old (3 years later) they got a 3-month old baby boy who they eventually adopted.

The foster kids stayed with us for 4 years. During that time my mother abused the girl. When the social workers finally caught on to the abuse the kids were pulled out of our home immediately. I pretty much never saw them again.

Flash forward 30 years. Last week I found their names on Facebook. They were connected to a friend of a friend.. the girl has changed her name thanks to adoption and marriage. The boy has also changed his name because of adoption. However after figuring out what I could I solved the puzzle.

So after 30 years we are getting the chance to catch up. My mother is in Florida and I haven't told her. I might soon, but so far I haven't. My adopted brother is 31 years old now, and still in touch with my mother and my step-father. He doesn't remember the foster kids at all I think since he was only an infant when it all happened. He's 9 years younger than me so he had a different experience with this all.

Still I think what is amazing is that I think the girl thought she was the only one to be abused, and while I knew that my mother hit her once I did not know much of the other stuff. The words that come into my head are "You are not alone." I think we both thought we were alone on this, and turns out we weren't.

Many ACOAs feel they are alone. I know as a kid I wanted nothing to do with group therapy because I didn't honestly believe that anyone else had a crazy mother like I do. I know better now, and sadly I have heard stories far worse than ours as the years have gone by. Still.. it's a good thing. Very traumatic, but a good thing.

I've done a lot of writing in the past week, and this is more of it. I think writing it down helps make it real, and helps me process what can best be described as "grief".

Thanks for reading my story.

A chance to make amends

Today I had the chance to make amends to someone I felt I had harmed as a child. For over 25 years I have carried the guilt around with me that I had not helped someone when I should have. I felt responsible for my mother's actions. I know that honestly it wasn't my fault that my mother abused this child, who is now a woman, but I carried the guilt with me. Therapy could never really erase the guilt. It has simply been part of my baggage tucked away in the closet somewhere.

 Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.

Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!

Letting go of Expectations

I have always "known" that when I had a child (or children) that I would send her to Sunday School. I went to Sunday School as a kid. It was the "right" thing to do. I went until about the age of 12 when things started to fall apart and I was allowed to make choices on my own. As a teenager I realized that I didn't believe exactly everything I had been taught. My minister was okay with that though. As I attended the adult church his sermons spoke to me. He would substitute "person" where something might have said "man" before. This was just the beginning. As a teen my biggest issue with the church was the sexism.

As an adult I found the Unitarian Universalists. This suited me much better. A sort of mix of things, that kind of lets you believe in whatever you want to believe as long as you believe in something. It's tolerant, it's accepting.... but is it Christian? I don't know. I don't usually care.

A few years ago I married the man of my dreams. This man was raised without religion. He was raised by parents who were professors. His mother later became "Born again" or something, but as a youth this man had no religion. He found it on his own. He found it on late night television. He read the Bible on his own. He never went to church. Still, he found God and he feels that God has spoken to him.

So here we are with a five year old child. The time is finally here when I have always "KNOWN" that I would send her to Sunday School. I have spent the past year researching the local churches. Searching websites, sending emails, visiting Sunday School classes, talking to neighbors and other parents... trying to find the right place. After all I have been PLANNING this for years...

so now.. guess what? I have to LET IT GO! Yup. We might have found ONE that MIGHT work, but my husband isn't interested in it, and my daughter doesn't really want to go. I found one that I liked, but it was a Unitarian church and they don't teach the Bible stories like my husband wants. Many of the churches near us are Baptist. They are against homosexuality. Neither of us can support this point of view so those churches are out. The list goes on as to why each church fails to meet my criteria.

Doesn't matter what the reasons are though. It all comes down to this... we will teach her about God ourselves. We don't need to send her to Sunday School for her to learn religion. This is a tough message for me to swallow. I don't always trust myself, or trust us. I am not sure if we can do this, but I know somehow we will.

I am Letting Go of my Expectations. Everything will be okay. I am Letting Go and Letting God.

Peace be with you.

keeping the focus on myself... transitions

"She laughs so she won't cry"... I have been going through the motions for the last couple of weeks getting my daughter started at kindergarten, changing my work schedule, and seeing my husband less and less. My daughter misses me. She won't eat during the day and when I come to pick her up after school she is a wreck. She yells at me, cries, and nothing I can do is right. Meanwhile I rarely see my husband anymore. I guess this is how MOST marriages are normally. This is what "NORMAL" is. I'm just not used to it. 

We used to carpool so I would see him in the mornings, then we would drop daughter off at preschool and I'd have him to myself for a few minutes while we rode to work. I'd see him again for the ride back to pick him up and the three of us would go home together. That's not happening anymore. There are days when I wake him up at 6am and then I don't see him again until 12 hours later. 


Yesterday I stopped by his office to bring him breakfast but he hadn't come in yet because he stopped to get his own somewhere. So I tried and failed. I'm tired. I'm supposed to be enjoying the new "me" time but I'm lonely. 

Lonely...tired... frustrated. I've been frustrated with my marriage for a long, long time... but the tiredness and loneliness just make it worse. I don't have ANY close friends. Blame it on being an "adult child of an alcoholic" or whatever.. but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a 40 year old married mother of one with no close friends... and I could really use a shoulder right now (like a best friend)... and it can't be my husband because he's already stressed and doing everything he can do. It's not his fault. It's not anyone's fault...it just is. 

Instead of feeling sorry for myself I am trying to exercise more, eat better, focus on myself somehow. I want to do some writing but I'm scared to do it because I just feel like I have so much bottled up right now... ugh. I know we will get through this. I'm just tired of it all right now. 

I got some new clothes, I ordered an exercise dvd, I am talking to my husband as well as I can.... I am doing the "right things" so save the advice. I just needed to vent a bit I guess. I can't change my husband, my daughter, or our situation so I am trying to focus on myself and do what I can for myself. That's all I can do.