I stopped writing for a while. Just stopped. I'm trying to get back into it now, slowly.
The last time I posted here, way back in October, I was blogging about depression. I'm still fighting that, but keeping it quiet. I don't believe there is a magical cure. I'm just doing what I can on my own.
I talked to my mother yesterday, the inspiration for this blog, and she's just... well I'm doing my best to detach. She's okay, but she's medicated. The addiction is just consuming her. I wonder if she'll outlive us all or if her days are numbered. I really, really have to let go. I know my daughter misses her but even my daughter... she is starting to see that my mother is different.
The generation gap is alive and well of course. My husband and I have been having fun telling our 10-year old about things that didn't exist in our childhood. Yesterday an example was YouTube. My mom doesn't have a computer. I think she's HEARD of YouTube maybe, but she doesn't really know much about it. My daughter got on the phone and was telling her that she's been making videos which she hopes to post to YouTube. I tried to imagine my mother's thought process. She's probably wondering when we bought our daughter a video camera or something to start with, but really... she's lost and confused and she told me so. It's only going to get worse Mom. Sorry.
So my mother's world is shrinking in a way. She doesn't read books, she doesn't travel, she doesn't get many visitors. She watches tv, goes where the apartment van takes her, and spends her time in her senior citizen apartment building. She's not political, not active, and can't drive. She medicates, smokes, and drinks, and her days and nights go by.
I just need to let it go.
Showing posts with label daughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label daughter. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2016
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
And we're off and into it!
Yes those early mornings started last week. My alarm goes off at 4:15am. I am awake when the newspaper carrier throws the paper up on the deck, using the house as a backboard. I hear the "thump" and turn on the light and retrieve the paper as his car pulls away. On Fridays I get up at 4:15 am anyway even though there is no reading class. If I'm doing it Monday-Thursday anyway I may as well do it on Fridays. I let the other two get an extra hour of sleep though, and use that time to myself. We have completed Week 1 of the schedule, and are in Week 2 now.
On Saturday we visited the local children's picture art museum, and on Sunday we visited the local living history museum. I didn't set the alarm clock on those mornings. We took our time leaving the house. They were still full days though.
The lawn will still be there when I have more time. Children keep growing though. I have a handwritten list of each week of summer with the two, three, or four activities that we have scheduled for the week. I check it off as we go along. I still haven't finished putting photos in my daughter's memory book from May and June. I just haven't had time. I will get there though, eventually. In the meantime we are halfway through July, on week four of summer camp. On Friday we will be at the halfway point. After week eight we get our BIG FAMILY VACATION. Still, I am trying to enjoy each week and not just think of it as biding time, checking off things on the list. Each day is important, or it should be. I try to pause, to listen, and to answer questions. Answer questions like "Why do some people get married and other people don't? How does that happen?" Because 7 will turn into 7 1/2 and then 8 and then 18 all too soon.
I know this just like 30 turned into 42, and how is it that my mother is now 63. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating her turning 50, and now I'm closer to that milestone than she is. How did that happen?
Stay cool, enjoy the summer, and appreciate your moment in time. Let it go and leave your expectations at the door. That's what it is all about. Am I right, reader?
On Saturday we visited the local children's picture art museum, and on Sunday we visited the local living history museum. I didn't set the alarm clock on those mornings. We took our time leaving the house. They were still full days though.
The lawn will still be there when I have more time. Children keep growing though. I have a handwritten list of each week of summer with the two, three, or four activities that we have scheduled for the week. I check it off as we go along. I still haven't finished putting photos in my daughter's memory book from May and June. I just haven't had time. I will get there though, eventually. In the meantime we are halfway through July, on week four of summer camp. On Friday we will be at the halfway point. After week eight we get our BIG FAMILY VACATION. Still, I am trying to enjoy each week and not just think of it as biding time, checking off things on the list. Each day is important, or it should be. I try to pause, to listen, and to answer questions. Answer questions like "Why do some people get married and other people don't? How does that happen?" Because 7 will turn into 7 1/2 and then 8 and then 18 all too soon.
I know this just like 30 turned into 42, and how is it that my mother is now 63. When did that happen? It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating her turning 50, and now I'm closer to that milestone than she is. How did that happen?
Stay cool, enjoy the summer, and appreciate your moment in time. Let it go and leave your expectations at the door. That's what it is all about. Am I right, reader?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Post #200 Visit to see mom is complete
On Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Grateful
I posted this on my blog on www.Sparkpeople.com
I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.
1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.
2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.
3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.
4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.
5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.
6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.
7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)
8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.
9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.
10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.
11. I am grateful for my daughter.
12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!
13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."
14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.
15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!
I am not one to post about gratitude every day. I have it, I just don't post it. This morning though I thought I would share with you, in the spirit of the holidays and all.
1. I am grateful that I can afford to send out xmas cards to my friends and family. I know that not everyone can do this. Stamps and cards are expensive and it is outside of many people's budgets to send them.
2. I am grateful that we can afford to have a SHELF full of cereal at our house, okay 1/2 a shelf now but a few weeks ago we bought stuff on sale and we had SEVERAL boxes of the stuff. We still do have quite a bit. 20 years ago I was lucky if I had a single box for myself. Now my daughter has 3 or 4 boxes to choose from in addition to frozen waffles, eggs, and pancakes. I know she will have a healthy breakfast.
3. I am grateful that I have health insurance and that I can afford the copays to see my doctor when I am sick. I have been going back and forth for a few months now trying to get my asthma/breathing situation under control. I know that not everyone could do that. Many people would just "live with it" as long as they could.
4. I am grateful that God, or a higher power, or whatever forces in the universe there are..whatever you want to believe there.... brought my husband together in 2002.
5. I am grateful that my husband was accepting of who I am, faults and all. I am also grateful for his family being accepting too. I am not a saint. I had a life before him and it wasn't all roses.
6. I am grateful to have a full-time job, with flexible working hours and paid time off.
7. I am grateful for the internet. ;-)
8. I am grateful to see my daycare bill this month and see that it is only 3 digits instead of 4. It wasn't so long ago (July) that it was 4.
9. I am grateful that both of my parents are still alive.
10. I am grateful to have found my long-lost foster sister on Facebook this year. That is probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.
11. I am grateful for my daughter.
12. I am grateful to be the kind of mom that will sit down on a dirty kitchen floor and do an art project with my daughter until we run out of paint!
13. I am grateful that my ears work so that I can hear things like "Mommy, I know we have the prettiest Christmas tree in the whole world! No one could possibly have a tree as nice as ours."
14. I am grateful for my Spark friends.
15. I will add... I am grateful for my readers here, whoever you may be. I hope you all have happy holidays!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Letting go of Expectations
I have always "known" that when I had a child (or children) that I would send her to Sunday School. I went to Sunday School as a kid. It was the "right" thing to do. I went until about the age of 12 when things started to fall apart and I was allowed to make choices on my own. As a teenager I realized that I didn't believe exactly everything I had been taught. My minister was okay with that though. As I attended the adult church his sermons spoke to me. He would substitute "person" where something might have said "man" before. This was just the beginning. As a teen my biggest issue with the church was the sexism.
As an adult I found the Unitarian Universalists. This suited me much better. A sort of mix of things, that kind of lets you believe in whatever you want to believe as long as you believe in something. It's tolerant, it's accepting.... but is it Christian? I don't know. I don't usually care.
A few years ago I married the man of my dreams. This man was raised without religion. He was raised by parents who were professors. His mother later became "Born again" or something, but as a youth this man had no religion. He found it on his own. He found it on late night television. He read the Bible on his own. He never went to church. Still, he found God and he feels that God has spoken to him.
So here we are with a five year old child. The time is finally here when I have always "KNOWN" that I would send her to Sunday School. I have spent the past year researching the local churches. Searching websites, sending emails, visiting Sunday School classes, talking to neighbors and other parents... trying to find the right place. After all I have been PLANNING this for years...
so now.. guess what? I have to LET IT GO! Yup. We might have found ONE that MIGHT work, but my husband isn't interested in it, and my daughter doesn't really want to go. I found one that I liked, but it was a Unitarian church and they don't teach the Bible stories like my husband wants. Many of the churches near us are Baptist. They are against homosexuality. Neither of us can support this point of view so those churches are out. The list goes on as to why each church fails to meet my criteria.
Doesn't matter what the reasons are though. It all comes down to this... we will teach her about God ourselves. We don't need to send her to Sunday School for her to learn religion. This is a tough message for me to swallow. I don't always trust myself, or trust us. I am not sure if we can do this, but I know somehow we will.
I am Letting Go of my Expectations. Everything will be okay. I am Letting Go and Letting God.
Peace be with you.
As an adult I found the Unitarian Universalists. This suited me much better. A sort of mix of things, that kind of lets you believe in whatever you want to believe as long as you believe in something. It's tolerant, it's accepting.... but is it Christian? I don't know. I don't usually care.
A few years ago I married the man of my dreams. This man was raised without religion. He was raised by parents who were professors. His mother later became "Born again" or something, but as a youth this man had no religion. He found it on his own. He found it on late night television. He read the Bible on his own. He never went to church. Still, he found God and he feels that God has spoken to him.
So here we are with a five year old child. The time is finally here when I have always "KNOWN" that I would send her to Sunday School. I have spent the past year researching the local churches. Searching websites, sending emails, visiting Sunday School classes, talking to neighbors and other parents... trying to find the right place. After all I have been PLANNING this for years...
so now.. guess what? I have to LET IT GO! Yup. We might have found ONE that MIGHT work, but my husband isn't interested in it, and my daughter doesn't really want to go. I found one that I liked, but it was a Unitarian church and they don't teach the Bible stories like my husband wants. Many of the churches near us are Baptist. They are against homosexuality. Neither of us can support this point of view so those churches are out. The list goes on as to why each church fails to meet my criteria.
Doesn't matter what the reasons are though. It all comes down to this... we will teach her about God ourselves. We don't need to send her to Sunday School for her to learn religion. This is a tough message for me to swallow. I don't always trust myself, or trust us. I am not sure if we can do this, but I know somehow we will.
I am Letting Go of my Expectations. Everything will be okay. I am Letting Go and Letting God.
Peace be with you.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
keeping the focus on myself... transitions
"She laughs so she won't cry"... I have been going through the motions for the last couple of weeks getting my daughter started at kindergarten, changing my work schedule, and seeing my husband less and less. My daughter misses me. She won't eat during the day and when I come to pick her up after school she is a wreck. She yells at me, cries, and nothing I can do is right. Meanwhile I rarely see my husband anymore. I guess this is how MOST marriages are normally. This is what "NORMAL" is. I'm just not used to it.
We used to carpool so I would see him in the mornings, then we would drop daughter off at preschool and I'd have him to myself for a few minutes while we rode to work. I'd see him again for the ride back to pick him up and the three of us would go home together. That's not happening anymore. There are days when I wake him up at 6am and then I don't see him again until 12 hours later.
Yesterday I stopped by his office to bring him breakfast but he hadn't come in yet because he stopped to get his own somewhere. So I tried and failed. I'm tired. I'm supposed to be enjoying the new "me" time but I'm lonely.
Lonely...tired... frustrated. I've been frustrated with my marriage for a long, long time... but the tiredness and loneliness just make it worse. I don't have ANY close friends. Blame it on being an "adult child of an alcoholic" or whatever.. but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a 40 year old married mother of one with no close friends... and I could really use a shoulder right now (like a best friend)... and it can't be my husband because he's already stressed and doing everything he can do. It's not his fault. It's not anyone's fault...it just is.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself I am trying to exercise more, eat better, focus on myself somehow. I want to do some writing but I'm scared to do it because I just feel like I have so much bottled up right now... ugh. I know we will get through this. I'm just tired of it all right now.
I got some new clothes, I ordered an exercise dvd, I am talking to my husband as well as I can.... I am doing the "right things" so save the advice. I just needed to vent a bit I guess. I can't change my husband, my daughter, or our situation so I am trying to focus on myself and do what I can for myself. That's all I can do.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
She's gone
I know everyone is celebrating Easter today, and I do wish everyone a Happy Easter. However this blog has never been about that. Today's blog is about my mother, and myself of course.
Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.
Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.
Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.
At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.
Yesterday was Saturday. The day was mostly consumed with my mother's departure. My hubby went over in the morning to help her load. He saw my uncle there and had a chance to get her perspective. Then hubby came home and hubby, daughter, and I went back to see my mother again. We all had lunch together and then went to her place. I won't go into all the mundane details of it all. However what I want to say is this- I did my best to listen and let her speak her piece. I certainly didn't agree with her point of view but I did my best to let her voice it. I did not shut her down even when she hurt my feelings and said things that I felt were outright lies. I let her talk. She saved the insults and the put-downs for when my husband was out of the room. She really is a master at this stuff. He would come back from doing something and see my silently shaking my head or whatever and not have any idea. I couldn't say much because my 5 year old daughter was there. Anyway she got to say her bit and I listened. I did my best to be positive, loving, and supportive. I did remind her that leaving was her choice. She didn't want to hear that but I did have to say it.
Somewhere between 8pm-2am she left. She's on the road now and won't move into her place in Florida until Thursday. As I told my daughter this morning all I can do is trust God and the angels to watch over her. It's not easy but I am powerless to help her now.
Finally today I got a chance to talk to my husband alone. I told him some of the things that my mother had said. He reassured me and gave me the piece of mind I was looking for. Yes we had some boundaries and yes we maintained them. We agreed on those boundaries for the well-being of our family and it was the right thing to do. We did not neglect her but we didn't allow ourselves to be her enablers either. Some of her comments were outright ridiculous. My brother was hurt that my mom didn't answer the phone when he called. She didn't answer the phone when I called either but she'd always be upset if I wasn't home to answer her calls. She didn't thank us for our help. She didn't say she would miss us. She just talked about herself and her problems and what she was going through.
At the end of the day my brother has his friends and family, and I have mine but my mom will probably be alone. Her choice. May god and our HPs watch over and comfort us all.
Monday, April 11, 2011
the Dance of Detachment
Watching the dance of Detachment play out is really interesting. As my mother prepares to leave emotions are running high for all of us. My brother, my husband, my daughter, my mother, and myself are all reacting differently to the clock counting down to when she will be in Florida. My mother and my brother have been arguing. My brother wanted paperwork for something and my mom wouldn't hand it over. However when I talked to my brother (on Facebook admittedly) I got at what was really bothering him. He doesn't want her to move. He's worried about her being alone down there. He's mad at her because he cares. I respect that. I am worried too. I tried to tell him that we couldn't change her. She's an addict who always puts herself first and nothing we can say or do will change her. Later I called my mother and told her that he and I were on the same page. She got angry. "I thought you supported me on this..." Mom, I support you in being happy. I know you have to live your own life. I wouldn't choose this for you but I'm not going to stand in your way.
And so the dance goes on. She went to my daughter's art show but she went when she knew we weren't going to be there. She saw the art and the photos but not the performance. She met a teacher and chatted. I can only imagine how that went.
So the calendar is set for Saturday, April 23rd for her to load her truck. She hasn't paid for the truck yet so there is still a chance that all of this may be for nothing. This could still be a lot of build-up for nothing. Her move-in appointment at the new place is set for Thursday, April 28th but again who knows?
Nothing in life is set in stone. Once when I was a child, in 5th grade, she was getting ready to leave my step-father. We visited my new school, saw the apartment and toured the neighborhood. We loaded the moving truck. Then they talked it over and we unloaded everything. A few months later we loaded up again. This time I did not get to see my new school or the new apartment. That time it was real. We went and I never spent another night in that house since although my step-father is still there. So I know from painful experience that nothing with my mother is finite.
I am watching this dance, and playing my part in the dance, and crying on the inside mostly where no one can see me.
And so the dance goes on. She went to my daughter's art show but she went when she knew we weren't going to be there. She saw the art and the photos but not the performance. She met a teacher and chatted. I can only imagine how that went.
So the calendar is set for Saturday, April 23rd for her to load her truck. She hasn't paid for the truck yet so there is still a chance that all of this may be for nothing. This could still be a lot of build-up for nothing. Her move-in appointment at the new place is set for Thursday, April 28th but again who knows?
Nothing in life is set in stone. Once when I was a child, in 5th grade, she was getting ready to leave my step-father. We visited my new school, saw the apartment and toured the neighborhood. We loaded the moving truck. Then they talked it over and we unloaded everything. A few months later we loaded up again. This time I did not get to see my new school or the new apartment. That time it was real. We went and I never spent another night in that house since although my step-father is still there. So I know from painful experience that nothing with my mother is finite.
I am watching this dance, and playing my part in the dance, and crying on the inside mostly where no one can see me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Happy Holidays!
I'm still out here in cyberspace. I've been busy with a weight loss blog, and I have been doing okay with that FOG stuff and boundaries with my mother. Haven't figured out how to apply the FOG to my marriage. Not that my husband is blackmailing me or anything- he's not. I just know that I act out of feelings of FOG sometimes. We probably both do, and you can see it with our finances especially. We both want each other to be happy and we overspend as a result.
Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!
Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow. :-)
Happy Holidays!
Image via Wikipedia
Oh well... those are problems for another day I suppose. We're working as a team on other fronts such as our daughter's education which is undergoing some changes during the next few weeks. Things we have no control of are happening so we have to decide how to respond. On Monday night my husband will attend a meeting to gather more information on the situation and then we will have to decide what course of action to take. Trying to practice the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head. Right now I'm feeling like we may have flushed $25,000 or so down the drain. Not a good feeling!
Anyway, life goes on. I am managing my boundaries, trying to stay out of trouble, not doing a great job of losing weight but trying.... and looking forward to Christmas somehow. :-)
Happy Holidays!
Image via WikipediaFriday, September 24, 2010
I just want to put my head down and cry
I have felt like this all day. I just want to put my head down and cry. I am so tired of ... everything. Every day we battle with the 4-year old to get her ready for school in the morning. Every morning she nags us about wanting more toys and not wanting to go to school. Every morning it is the same old battle. Yesterday she was on my case because I was trying to do some exercises while she was talking to me. I'm sorry kid, but I am trying to lose weight and I barely have time to go to the bathroom by myself, much less workout. I have to do this stuff sometime. Geez....
My husband's birthday is approaching and not every day, but often I hear about the things he would like to get for his birthday. None of them are cheap. Every day I look at the yard that is a mess. Every day I look at the bathroom that is "not quite finished". Every day I hold my tongue and try not to voice all that is inside me about how I feel about these things. Then he says "Maybe I could build a doll house for Christmas..." Um... honey? Seriously? When would she get that? 2011??? I can't say that though. I just nod and smile for now. When we get closer I can see what he is really thinking.
My mother called yesterday and she never leaves just one message, she always leaves 2. I was reaching for something to eat before the second message even began. Dumb! I stopped myself. After all these years she still drives me to eat, even a message on the machine. My own doing I know, but still it gets to me.
We have a busy weekend ahead, and possibly a busy week beyond that. Meanwhile my 40 free hours on Pandora have run out, and I am having trouble finding music I like to fill the last hour of my Friday afternoon at work. Bureaucracy has left me many times feeling like I should be slamming my head against a wall lately. How am I going to survive the next 20 years here??? I don't know. I can only hope to hang on, somehow, some way.
Sigh. Even though I sleep when I should, and exercise, I still feel like just putting my head down and crying myself to sleep. I can't though. It's only 4:15pm.
Be well bloggerville.
Tari
My husband's birthday is approaching and not every day, but often I hear about the things he would like to get for his birthday. None of them are cheap. Every day I look at the yard that is a mess. Every day I look at the bathroom that is "not quite finished". Every day I hold my tongue and try not to voice all that is inside me about how I feel about these things. Then he says "Maybe I could build a doll house for Christmas..." Um... honey? Seriously? When would she get that? 2011??? I can't say that though. I just nod and smile for now. When we get closer I can see what he is really thinking.
My mother called yesterday and she never leaves just one message, she always leaves 2. I was reaching for something to eat before the second message even began. Dumb! I stopped myself. After all these years she still drives me to eat, even a message on the machine. My own doing I know, but still it gets to me.
We have a busy weekend ahead, and possibly a busy week beyond that. Meanwhile my 40 free hours on Pandora have run out, and I am having trouble finding music I like to fill the last hour of my Friday afternoon at work. Bureaucracy has left me many times feeling like I should be slamming my head against a wall lately. How am I going to survive the next 20 years here??? I don't know. I can only hope to hang on, somehow, some way.
Sigh. Even though I sleep when I should, and exercise, I still feel like just putting my head down and crying myself to sleep. I can't though. It's only 4:15pm.
Be well bloggerville.
Tari
Saturday, September 11, 2010
independence
Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via FlickrSaturday, September 4, 2010
happiness
I posted that Hazelden link as much for myself as anyone else. I stumbled on it at work and I wanted to make sure I had access to it from my computers at home and elsewhere. So I stuck it here.
It's good stuff I think. I saw a quote there today that I like it said:
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
—Abraham Lincoln"
Reminds me of a book I saw called "You can choose to be happy", which is pretty much something my father has said to me from time to time. He says it mostly about other people, like when I'm worried about someone else's depression. He said it about my grandmother who was depressed after my grandfather passed away. He said again when my daughter was adjusting to new day care. I remember the first weeks of sending her there. It was so awful to leave her at the center and see her cry and know that she just sat on a bench all day watching the other kids play. I felt like the worst parent in the world, but I couldn't quit my job. My dad said "She'll be happy when she wants to be happy." He was right. One day she just got out of the car without having to be carried in. She put her stuff away and joined the group. She was like a different person, like someone had flipped a switch. She had chosen to be happy.
Today my husband, my daughter, and myself encountered my mother in the parking lot at the grocery store. My husband saw her first, and ducked his head back in the car and said "Your mother is 2 spots away, putting her groceries away." My daughter said "Quick! Let's hide from her." My husband whisked her out of the far side of the car and into the store. Meanwhile I stayed calm and went over and said "Hello". I told my mom that my daughter had an urgent potty mission. That wasn't a lie, but I left out the conversation that happened in the car. I chatted with my mom briefly and pleasantly and promised to buy her some flower bulbs that she can plant in the cemetery. That seemed to make her happy. Then I rejoined my husband and daughter in the store. A brief visit on neutral ground seemed to be about all I could handle of my mother. She wasn't mean this time, but that doesn't mean that she won't be awful next time. Focus on today though, and today was okay.
It's good stuff I think. I saw a quote there today that I like it said:
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
—Abraham Lincoln"
Reminds me of a book I saw called "You can choose to be happy", which is pretty much something my father has said to me from time to time. He says it mostly about other people, like when I'm worried about someone else's depression. He said it about my grandmother who was depressed after my grandfather passed away. He said again when my daughter was adjusting to new day care. I remember the first weeks of sending her there. It was so awful to leave her at the center and see her cry and know that she just sat on a bench all day watching the other kids play. I felt like the worst parent in the world, but I couldn't quit my job. My dad said "She'll be happy when she wants to be happy." He was right. One day she just got out of the car without having to be carried in. She put her stuff away and joined the group. She was like a different person, like someone had flipped a switch. She had chosen to be happy.
Today my husband, my daughter, and myself encountered my mother in the parking lot at the grocery store. My husband saw her first, and ducked his head back in the car and said "Your mother is 2 spots away, putting her groceries away." My daughter said "Quick! Let's hide from her." My husband whisked her out of the far side of the car and into the store. Meanwhile I stayed calm and went over and said "Hello". I told my mom that my daughter had an urgent potty mission. That wasn't a lie, but I left out the conversation that happened in the car. I chatted with my mom briefly and pleasantly and promised to buy her some flower bulbs that she can plant in the cemetery. That seemed to make her happy. Then I rejoined my husband and daughter in the store. A brief visit on neutral ground seemed to be about all I could handle of my mother. She wasn't mean this time, but that doesn't mean that she won't be awful next time. Focus on today though, and today was okay.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
the last post about this I think
I know I've posted a lot about the home improvement project, and you're all probably a bit sick of it. This project has been in the planning stages for a long time and it is so wonderful that it is finally happening, and now nearly complete.
Image by Eyes4guys via Flickr
We came home Saturday and the weekend was rough. Things did not go smoothly Saturday morning and we had to call a friend for help. On Sunday we realized that the old toilet was leaking and a new one had to be purchased at the orange store and installed. Luckily we got a great deal on it.
Image by Getty Images via @daylife
Anyway, things are functional again. There is still cleanup work to be done, but we are home and are settling in. 8 days in a hotel has taken its toll on all of us. It wasn't really a vacation and my husband and I are both pretty tired and fried. Serenity has been hard to find.
I did manage to get out Saturday with our daughter and listen to some good music and see my dad. That was fun! I don't have much real fun in my life, and I was glad I made the drive and did it.
Back in the "real world" I need to buckle down. I've been catching up on reading some blogs although I haven't commented much. Sorry folks. I'm not as good as Syd is about that stuff, but I am out here and I am reading. I am trying to get back to normal, whatever normal is. Easy does it.
Image by Eyes4guys via FlickrWe came home Saturday and the weekend was rough. Things did not go smoothly Saturday morning and we had to call a friend for help. On Sunday we realized that the old toilet was leaking and a new one had to be purchased at the orange store and installed. Luckily we got a great deal on it.
Image by Getty Images via @daylifeAnyway, things are functional again. There is still cleanup work to be done, but we are home and are settling in. 8 days in a hotel has taken its toll on all of us. It wasn't really a vacation and my husband and I are both pretty tired and fried. Serenity has been hard to find.
I did manage to get out Saturday with our daughter and listen to some good music and see my dad. That was fun! I don't have much real fun in my life, and I was glad I made the drive and did it.
Back in the "real world" I need to buckle down. I've been catching up on reading some blogs although I haven't commented much. Sorry folks. I'm not as good as Syd is about that stuff, but I am out here and I am reading. I am trying to get back to normal, whatever normal is. Easy does it.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Still breathing...
Things did not go well. I started getting the updates right away on Friday. The biggest problem with the home repair project is that the previous owners didn't remove the old flooring, they simply built on top of it. Their laziness has caused my husband many, many hours of extra work. Losing power due to a thunderstorm didn't help things either. Whatever the reasons are, they don't really matter. The reasons, or excuses as some may say, are out of my control. I have to accept what IS. I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter how we got here, what matters is dealing with where we are now. Anger will not help. I am allowing myself to feel disappointment. I think that is acceptable. I am disappointed, very disappointed, but I am not angry. What I am doing now is working that Serenity Prayer and pulling at it. What can I change and what can't I change. What do I do next?
Image via Wikipedia
On Monday morning we checked out of the hotel, got the kid a special lunch from Panera to bring to school, and returned the rental truck (sad to see that go). Then we went home together, just the two of us.
I had been warned. I knew in words what I was going home to see, but seeing it was still hard. Before I even got out of the car I was holding back the tears. After surveying the situation, and having the power go out while we were there in the house, we left. I brought my husband to work and found a place to do laundry. At the laundromat I used the internet to find another hotel. I booked it without checking with my husband first, and I booked it through until Friday morning. I don't know if that will be enough time. We might still need it Friday night, but we can extend the reservation if we need to I think. It's not the best hotel, and I'm afraid of the swimming pool because I know that at least one person has died in it. However it does have wireless internet and a microwave and refrigerator in the room (which our weekend hotel did not have). Really, I want to go home. I'm tired of eating out, I miss my yard, and I'm tired of entertaining a child. Thank goodness she's in school during the day at least.
Home repairs are never easy. Being married isn't always easy. Being a parent isn't easy. Trying to do all 3, plus work full-time.. not easy. We will get through this. We will survive. It could be worse. Soon this will all be a memory. I am still breathing.
Image via Wikipedia
Image via WikipediaOn Monday morning we checked out of the hotel, got the kid a special lunch from Panera to bring to school, and returned the rental truck (sad to see that go). Then we went home together, just the two of us.
I had been warned. I knew in words what I was going home to see, but seeing it was still hard. Before I even got out of the car I was holding back the tears. After surveying the situation, and having the power go out while we were there in the house, we left. I brought my husband to work and found a place to do laundry. At the laundromat I used the internet to find another hotel. I booked it without checking with my husband first, and I booked it through until Friday morning. I don't know if that will be enough time. We might still need it Friday night, but we can extend the reservation if we need to I think. It's not the best hotel, and I'm afraid of the swimming pool because I know that at least one person has died in it. However it does have wireless internet and a microwave and refrigerator in the room (which our weekend hotel did not have). Really, I want to go home. I'm tired of eating out, I miss my yard, and I'm tired of entertaining a child. Thank goodness she's in school during the day at least.
Home repairs are never easy. Being married isn't always easy. Being a parent isn't easy. Trying to do all 3, plus work full-time.. not easy. We will get through this. We will survive. It could be worse. Soon this will all be a memory. I am still breathing.
Image via WikipediaWednesday, July 28, 2010
Inspiration
I am looking for inspiration today. I want to write, and I want to post, but I'm not sure what about. I wish I had some magic song lyrics or a poem to quote. Where does one find song lyrics about Al-Anon anyway? So many songs about drinking and boozing, but what about about recovery? Where do I find music like that? I guess I should Google these questions, huh? Maybe I'll come up with something.
The kid slept in her own room last night, the first time in a while. I cleaned it first and made it welcoming, and then hung out for an hour after she fell asleep just to be sure she wouldn't wake from the washing machine. Then I went to my own room, surfed the web a bit, and finally fell asleep. At 4am she called for my husband. I woke him, and then went back to sleep. I like nights like that! :-)
My dad has had a rough week so far I think, but I am hearing about it from his girlfriend. He is being quiet and private like usual, not wishing to share much with me. I am trying to respect that, and am meditating about him in peace.
The kid slept in her own room last night, the first time in a while. I cleaned it first and made it welcoming, and then hung out for an hour after she fell asleep just to be sure she wouldn't wake from the washing machine. Then I went to my own room, surfed the web a bit, and finally fell asleep. At 4am she called for my husband. I woke him, and then went back to sleep. I like nights like that! :-)
My dad has had a rough week so far I think, but I am hearing about it from his girlfriend. He is being quiet and private like usual, not wishing to share much with me. I am trying to respect that, and am meditating about him in peace.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
winding up the week
Well I said yesterday that the week had been ups and downs and absent my mother. Ah but the powers that be couldn't let that one sit, and a call came from her last night and an urgency of "see me now!! Dammitt!"
So this morning I dutifully waited until 8am and then called her with her wake up call to be ready at 9am. The mission was to go to the bank to get me added to her safety deposit box "in case something happens to me". We had time for a couple of quick errands on the way, and started off pleasantly. This changed in the bank. Quickly tensions between us mounted, and when I was told that I needed to not only sign the form, but also be in possession of one of the two keys, we hit a wall. My mother did not want me to have the key. This I do not quite understand. I refused to sign until she promised me the key. The poor bank lady pretended to ignore the heat building between us, and the form was signed quickly for her sake. Out in the parking lot though words flew. My mother saying the worst of them. She called me "nosy" and more. Her biggest weapons began with "B" and "C". I hate the "C" word. I really do, it just gets under my skin. So finally I just pulled over and offered to let her walk herself home when we were within a reasonable distance. I continued for a while and then pulled over again and called my husband. We went over the situation briefly, and agreed that I'd be home an hour later than promised so that I could go back to my mother for Round 2.
When I entered her apartment she was on the phone with my brother telling him how awful I'd been (to put it mildly) but she quickly hung up. I asked if she was done with her ranting yet, and she wasn't quite, but she settled down quickly. I let her show me her living will, which I had seen 5 years ago and already have memorized. I let her show me life insurance paperwork, which I really don't need. I let her ramble about what furniture she wants to give me next year, what she wants my brother to get, when she'll move to Florida, and where she might go.... I let her do her thing for an hour. This is what she asked for. She just wanted my attention for an hour. I choked and gasped for air, but I was doing that in the car with her anyway, and we finally got through everything she wanted to say for now.
When I left she seemed calm and okay again, and I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her hurling rocks through my windows or causing some other kind of trouble. I'm really not sure what she planned to do if I hadn't turned around and calmed her down. Her threats were so vague.
What it really comes down to, and I have lived with this for so long is... she wants to be #1 in my life, and she's not. She can't be, and she won't be. My husband and my daughter come first, and she knows it, and she's jealous. She called me a rotten and lousy parent.
For my part, even though she's calm, I'm not sure when I'll see her again. I feel like she's been looking for a fight for a while, and she got one. She said some mean words, and she meant them, and I'm not going to heal from that. And yes, I said some words too, and yes I meant them. Anyone who has known me closely knows that she has inflicted pain and abuse into my life that no child or adult should have to endure, and there is no reason to forgive that.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm not saying I'll never talk to her again. I'm just saying I'm not in any hurry. I know I was not at my best, and maybe I didn't use "my program" but then again maybe I did. I stood up for myself. I didn't let her walk all over me. When something was important, I held my ground and didn't cave in just to end the conflict and in the end I think she felt like we had worked things out.
Oh, and then... to make things bittersweet, like they were the other day... I went home to my husband and daughter, and in between "I love yous" and "lets get ready to go to that birthday party" my husband asked what had happened and I tried to answer him. He assured me that I was not a lousy parent and my mother had no reason to call me that. I am grateful for his love. Then my daughter and I went to a birthday party for a classmate of hers, and had a great time. Fun and sun and happy kids, with only a few typical 4-year old tears.
So the day ended on a good note for me, tired and happy child asleep before bedtime. My husband went out, as is his normal routine, and I settled down for a dinner alone and some time to myself.
May my higher power be with me tonight. I could use some goodness and guidance in my dreams.
So this morning I dutifully waited until 8am and then called her with her wake up call to be ready at 9am. The mission was to go to the bank to get me added to her safety deposit box "in case something happens to me". We had time for a couple of quick errands on the way, and started off pleasantly. This changed in the bank. Quickly tensions between us mounted, and when I was told that I needed to not only sign the form, but also be in possession of one of the two keys, we hit a wall. My mother did not want me to have the key. This I do not quite understand. I refused to sign until she promised me the key. The poor bank lady pretended to ignore the heat building between us, and the form was signed quickly for her sake. Out in the parking lot though words flew. My mother saying the worst of them. She called me "nosy" and more. Her biggest weapons began with "B" and "C". I hate the "C" word. I really do, it just gets under my skin. So finally I just pulled over and offered to let her walk herself home when we were within a reasonable distance. I continued for a while and then pulled over again and called my husband. We went over the situation briefly, and agreed that I'd be home an hour later than promised so that I could go back to my mother for Round 2.
When I entered her apartment she was on the phone with my brother telling him how awful I'd been (to put it mildly) but she quickly hung up. I asked if she was done with her ranting yet, and she wasn't quite, but she settled down quickly. I let her show me her living will, which I had seen 5 years ago and already have memorized. I let her show me life insurance paperwork, which I really don't need. I let her ramble about what furniture she wants to give me next year, what she wants my brother to get, when she'll move to Florida, and where she might go.... I let her do her thing for an hour. This is what she asked for. She just wanted my attention for an hour. I choked and gasped for air, but I was doing that in the car with her anyway, and we finally got through everything she wanted to say for now.
When I left she seemed calm and okay again, and I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her hurling rocks through my windows or causing some other kind of trouble. I'm really not sure what she planned to do if I hadn't turned around and calmed her down. Her threats were so vague.
What it really comes down to, and I have lived with this for so long is... she wants to be #1 in my life, and she's not. She can't be, and she won't be. My husband and my daughter come first, and she knows it, and she's jealous. She called me a rotten and lousy parent.
For my part, even though she's calm, I'm not sure when I'll see her again. I feel like she's been looking for a fight for a while, and she got one. She said some mean words, and she meant them, and I'm not going to heal from that. And yes, I said some words too, and yes I meant them. Anyone who has known me closely knows that she has inflicted pain and abuse into my life that no child or adult should have to endure, and there is no reason to forgive that.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm not saying I'll never talk to her again. I'm just saying I'm not in any hurry. I know I was not at my best, and maybe I didn't use "my program" but then again maybe I did. I stood up for myself. I didn't let her walk all over me. When something was important, I held my ground and didn't cave in just to end the conflict and in the end I think she felt like we had worked things out.
Oh, and then... to make things bittersweet, like they were the other day... I went home to my husband and daughter, and in between "I love yous" and "lets get ready to go to that birthday party" my husband asked what had happened and I tried to answer him. He assured me that I was not a lousy parent and my mother had no reason to call me that. I am grateful for his love. Then my daughter and I went to a birthday party for a classmate of hers, and had a great time. Fun and sun and happy kids, with only a few typical 4-year old tears.
So the day ended on a good note for me, tired and happy child asleep before bedtime. My husband went out, as is his normal routine, and I settled down for a dinner alone and some time to myself.
May my higher power be with me tonight. I could use some goodness and guidance in my dreams.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Roller coaster week and my mother's not even in it
It's been a roller coaster of a week for me. I don't know if it's PMS, depression, or what. The week started with a real "bleha...." I don't like my job right now. Okay, who does? My husband HATES his job. So I guess he's got it worse than me. Then I went up to a nice "hey, I can take Thursday off and have fun!" And I did! I kept my daughter out of school and we went to a big park with lots to do, and met with friends old and new. I got to see an old high school classmate, and spent some time chatting with her, and then later a friend who I've known only online caught up with us, with her 2 kids. Her daughter and my daughter really hit it off, and became instant friends. So that was great too. Then we came back to reality, tired and hot from the sun. Met up with my husband who told us he'd been sick that day and taken himself to the doctor's office but not told anybody (like his boss!). This is the same old thing as before. I'm tired and frustrated, and not at my best to begin with. So I came crashing down from my high to his level. I tried to perk up by going out last night anyway, but I was just too tired and drained, so I turned around and came back home after giving my apologies to the people I was supposed to meet up with.
I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".
My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.
So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.
I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".
My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.
So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Insincerity
I'm not sure why this word is striking me today, but perhaps it's because I see it all around me. Today a coworker greeted me with a "Hi, how are you?" I replied back "How are you?" and didn't even answer her question. She kept walking though, and didn't answer mine. Guess neither of us felt like being honest with each other or something. I don't know.
I'm having dinner with my dad and his girlfriend tonight. I'm dragging my husband and daughter along. This is a postponed Father's Day thing. Really, my father and husband probably would be fine if we didn't even do a father's day thing, but I feel like we SHOULD and I've got a gift from my daughter that was too big to mail so we're getting together for dinner. I'm sure my daughter would rather go swimming instead. Oh well. I feel the "insincerity" in this too. No one wants to do it, but we're doing it anyway because life is short.
And I remember that I haven't taken my mother's picture in a long time. I often think to take pictures of my daughter, but I don't always remember to take them of my parents, and I should. I really should. Sincere in that one.
It's hot, I'm tired, and the internet at home is keeping me awake at night past my bedtime. I don't want to work but I can't afford to take the summer off either. Sigh. So here I am, trying, trying to think of something to say because the blog has been quiet for a few days.
I need to be sincere as often as I can because insanity will find you all too soon if I don't.
I'm having dinner with my dad and his girlfriend tonight. I'm dragging my husband and daughter along. This is a postponed Father's Day thing. Really, my father and husband probably would be fine if we didn't even do a father's day thing, but I feel like we SHOULD and I've got a gift from my daughter that was too big to mail so we're getting together for dinner. I'm sure my daughter would rather go swimming instead. Oh well. I feel the "insincerity" in this too. No one wants to do it, but we're doing it anyway because life is short.
And I remember that I haven't taken my mother's picture in a long time. I often think to take pictures of my daughter, but I don't always remember to take them of my parents, and I should. I really should. Sincere in that one.
It's hot, I'm tired, and the internet at home is keeping me awake at night past my bedtime. I don't want to work but I can't afford to take the summer off either. Sigh. So here I am, trying, trying to think of something to say because the blog has been quiet for a few days.
I need to be sincere as often as I can because insanity will find you all too soon if I don't.
Friday, June 18, 2010
trying to turn this over still
Yes I've been off for a few days. The kid was sick, but was well enough to go to school. On Wednesday though, the antibiotics caused her some stomach discomfort and she got sent home from school. We had a nice day at home yesterday though, and she wasn't really feeling sick. Whatever demons were in her body had already gotten out by morning.
So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.
Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.
In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.
And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!
Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.
So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.
Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.
In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.
And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!
Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.
Monday, June 14, 2010
One Day at a time
I see Syd took some time over the weekend to check in, and leave some comments. Thank you Syd! I'm not going to respond to each thing you said, but I will probably comment back on a couple of them anyway.
This past weekend was a good exercise in taking things "One Day at a time" and letting go of expectations. We started Friday night with a trip to the forest. My husband was going camping, and since we are a one-car family, it was a family event to bring him to the campsite. Rather than dropping him off quickly, and running back to civilization, daughter and I went for a short hike braving the mosquitoes. A beaver was spotted, and much mountain laurel, and a deer was seen on our way home. All good things.
In the morning my daughter made it clear that she did not want to see "the grandma with the dead cat on her kitchen table", and she was pretty clear about it. I had promised her some mother-daughter time, and she did not want that time transformed into mother-daughter-grandma time. I respected her wishes, much to my mother's ire. We ran into an old friend of my mom's in our travels, and I mentioned the change in plans. His response, after having not seen my mom in 30 years maybe, was "well you know her temper, I wouldn't tick her off if I was you. She'll probably get revenge...." Gee, thanks for that. Nice to know what old friends think of her. I held my ground with my daughter though, and we journeyed to the south instead of to the north. I took my daughter strawberry picking for her first time. I wasn't fussy about finding "the best" strawberries, or "organic", or anything else. I simply cruised around until I saw a sign on the side of the road, and followed it in to the farm. Picking was hard work for her, but it was fun. We finished before the rain started, and hopefully didn't get too many more than we can use.
The next thing to come in my path was my daughter waking from a nap with a fever. Sick and angry she refused to take the Motrin I offered her. Asleep and then awake again, I finally made the calls to take her to the doctor and to let my husband know he would not be spending another night camping in the rain.
So our weekend went. Taking things one moment at a time, not sure what would happen next, but not getting attached to too many things either. We chose out battles carefully as parents need to do.We let go of doing some of the things we each wanted to do, as a couple needs to compromise. It wasn't the best weekend ever, but we survived it as a family, doing our best to respect one another.
This past weekend was a good exercise in taking things "One Day at a time" and letting go of expectations. We started Friday night with a trip to the forest. My husband was going camping, and since we are a one-car family, it was a family event to bring him to the campsite. Rather than dropping him off quickly, and running back to civilization, daughter and I went for a short hike braving the mosquitoes. A beaver was spotted, and much mountain laurel, and a deer was seen on our way home. All good things.
In the morning my daughter made it clear that she did not want to see "the grandma with the dead cat on her kitchen table", and she was pretty clear about it. I had promised her some mother-daughter time, and she did not want that time transformed into mother-daughter-grandma time. I respected her wishes, much to my mother's ire. We ran into an old friend of my mom's in our travels, and I mentioned the change in plans. His response, after having not seen my mom in 30 years maybe, was "well you know her temper, I wouldn't tick her off if I was you. She'll probably get revenge...." Gee, thanks for that. Nice to know what old friends think of her. I held my ground with my daughter though, and we journeyed to the south instead of to the north. I took my daughter strawberry picking for her first time. I wasn't fussy about finding "the best" strawberries, or "organic", or anything else. I simply cruised around until I saw a sign on the side of the road, and followed it in to the farm. Picking was hard work for her, but it was fun. We finished before the rain started, and hopefully didn't get too many more than we can use.
The next thing to come in my path was my daughter waking from a nap with a fever. Sick and angry she refused to take the Motrin I offered her. Asleep and then awake again, I finally made the calls to take her to the doctor and to let my husband know he would not be spending another night camping in the rain.
So our weekend went. Taking things one moment at a time, not sure what would happen next, but not getting attached to too many things either. We chose out battles carefully as parents need to do.We let go of doing some of the things we each wanted to do, as a couple needs to compromise. It wasn't the best weekend ever, but we survived it as a family, doing our best to respect one another.
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