for Teresa- my nightmare

I just read Teresa's blog here.  It brought back instant memories and nightmares. Recurring nightmares that I still have. In addition to the normal nightmares about being back in high school or back at an old job, I have nightmares about finding my way home. Often there are cats that need to fed. Sometimes in the nightmares I have been away for months or years. Sometimes I am living with my mother and my brother, and sometimes my daughter is part of the dream as well. It changes from time to time, but theme is the same. I'm lost and I'm trying to find where I belong. Doesn't take an expert to figure this stuff out for me. I'm hoping some day the nightmares go away, but for now I'm stuck with them, and the lack of sleep that goes with them.

Depression is winning

Well in spite of TRYING to THINK POSITIVE, I feel like fatigue and depression are winning. The other night I had a very intense nightmare about an abusive ex-boyfriend coming back in my life and trying to harm my daughter and myself. My husband was in the dream, but he wasn't able to save us from this horrible man. It was a pretty vivid dream, and I woke up crying and upset.

I've been married for almost 7 years, and started dating my husband in 2002. He's a very good man, and not an addict etc. He has never hurt me. Why am I still having dreams like this? Is this what PTSD looks like? Or should I just shrug it off, no big deal?

This morning I am asking myself questions about identity. How do I want to define myself? Am I a "survivor" or a "victim" or "just another anonymous soul" or just "me"? I don't like asking myself questions about who I am. It makes me feel uneasy. How big or small is "recovery" in my life? Does it define me? Or do I not work hard enough?

Enough! I say. I applied my program to dealing with my daughter this morning, but not until after I had tried it the other way and seen it fail. Next time maybe I'll remember to apply it first instead of suffering the frustration of the failure.