wow, has it really been since August?

So we had that vacation. My mother hasn't mentioned her cancer lately. She had a scare where she thought she had MS, but she doesn't. Something is going on with her, but what else is new?

I had a challenge to my boundaries and I passed it I think. Life keeps going on. I keep going on, although sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why I am still here when so many of my peers are already gone. Depressing thoughts.

The weather is colder now, the days are darker, and the holidays approach us.

I am here. I am hanging on. I hope you are too.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

I don't know why I say that. I'm not Mexican. Then again, I'm not Irish as far as I know either, but I still said "Happy St. Patrick's Day" to folks back in March.

Friday would have been my grandmother's birthday. I'm thinking about that this week, and missing her. I was glad that my mom made May Day baskets this year. That was something that my grandmother used to do. My mom said she made around 112 of them. Some day I suppose I will be making them too.

Celebrating with our Family of Choice

We had a pretty busy weekend. Taxes did not get done, grocery shopping BARELY got done, beds were left unmade, and dishes sat in the sink. The weather was nice, and there were better things to do than be inside.

One of my big accomplishments, that matters to no one but me, is that we did not spend time with my mother. A major holiday, in my family anyway, and I dodged, and dodged well I think. My mom pleaded being sick, and I did not argue. Then when my father gave us an invite to his girlfriend's house, I jumped at it. My father has been divorced from my mom since I was a baby. His girlfriend has only been widowed for 7-10 years. Her children are grown, and she has grandchildren. Although we've met her several times over the last two years, this was our first visit to her home, and only our second visit with her children and grandchildren (our first visit was in February). My daughter had a great time, and I think I did too. I know at first we were all nervous but eventually we relaxed and really enjoyed the day.

My father is family of course, but it was nice to spend time with the rest of them. My daughter is too young to really understand family dynamics and all of that. She doesn't understand that I am nervous about "intruding" on this other family, and I think that's good. My daughter is showing her love for these people unconditionally, and easily, and innocently. When we left, she gave one of the women a hug goodbye. I am not ready to call that woman "aunt" or "sister", but it joyed my heart to see the expression of kindness.

I am hopeful that my father's relationship will continue for many years. He seems so happy, and his girlfriend seems happy too. I am so glad that she sought him out, and things are going well for them. I think we are lucky beneficiaries of it too. While my mother may be crazy, and absent, and my in-laws are all out of state, we have a "family of choice" that is sane, and caring, and fun. It should be an interesting journey.

Getting caught up again

Thank you Syd and others for reading and posting while I've been away! I just spent some time trying to get caught up on many of your blogs, and although I didn't comment, I did visit and tried to absorb what was there. I'm not a speed reader so there is only so much I can do. Thank you all for posting on your blogs and taking away some of the "alone feeling" that I get sometimes.

Today I had an event to attend across campus. I detoured on the way back to see an old friend who I had not seen in years. This campus is a big place, and we all get locked into our routines and our places. It wasn't easy to make that detour, but I was glad I did. It was nice to see a friendly face.


Today the kid went back to school, and we both got to go to work. I did miss her today, but it was nice to be in the old routines that we have. I'm looking forward to Easter, still scared on money, and wishing today was Friday. Aren't we all? The sun is out, and although the worries are there, I'm trying to think positive.


Be well all.

Still standing...

How has it been 2 weeks since I last put up a post? Sigh.

Well, we're still standing and the tree is still there and everyone is still speaking to each other, I think. I think but I'm not sure.

My husband gave me the best gift on the 23rd by taking our daughter out of the house for a few hours so I could wrap and clean. I only needed 2 hours, but he gave me 4. By the time they came home I was actually missing them and a little worried. Still, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and was grateful for the peace he gave me.

On the 24th we saw my mother. We picked her up, called the restaurant to be sure of a table, and went out for lunch. Then we stopped at a grocery store, and finally came up to our house. The whole process took longer than we expected, but it went fine. Everyone behaved mostly, in spite of a few rude comments from my mother. My mother gave us exactly what we had asked for regarding gifts, with only a few weird things thrown in. In the end she decided she didn't want to go to church after all, so I drove her home just before suppertime, and then found a parking lot with internet so I could check a few things online. When I got home, I ate some dinner, and put my daughter to bed. Did my Santa thing later in the evening, and actually got some sleep.  On Christmas Day we had our planned Christmas morning, which went fine. Then in the afternoon my dad and his girlfriend came over. I like her, and my daughter is very comfortable with her so that went well. It wasn't until after they left that I realized it was the girlfriend's first visit to our home.

Oddly none of our guests ended up eating in our house, so all the snacks and extra foods that we bought... we are still eating. Oh well.

Of course good times never come without some pain, and the day after Christmas we got our property tax bill and credit card statement. I hate money in January, it's always rough.

Meanwhile my mother had planned to spend Christmas day with my brother's ex-wife and her children, and possibly my brother. I'm not really sure what happened, but a series of phone messages that she left tell me that things did not go well. My mom has this annoying habit of not answering the phone when I call. She lets the answering machine "screen" all her calls. Then she calls back and says "Sorry I didn't hear the phone ring." Personally, I think it's bulls---. I have caller ID though, so when she gets particularly ugly, I ignore her calls myself. However, she makes a game out of it. One night this week she got this game going where she had called me when I was at work, and when I called her back, she didn't answer the phone. Then she called me back when I was busy with supper so I couldn't get to the phone. When I called her back, I got her machine again. Finally, she called back and my daughter decided to answer the phone. I wasn't near enough to stop her, but my husband could have. He decided not to stop her though, and I guess the conversation was somewhat comical. Evidently my daughter told my mom that I was taking a break, and that was the end of it. I called my mom back one more time, and she gave me the machine again. Stupid game in my opinion. That was a few days ago, and I haven't talked to her since.

For New Years Eve we are expecting a snow storm. My husband might go out anyway, might not. I plan to stay home with the kid and drink some sparkling apple juice or something. Nothing exciting. On Saturday we'll celebrate Christmas with friends at some point, and maybe on Sunday I'll take down the tree. Or maybe not. We'll see. I'm not in any hurry.

Happy Holidays! May your New Year be healthy and happy.

Christmas is getting closer still...

I had a little meltdown this morning. My child was having a meltdown because she was upset that she didn't own a blanket that was yellow. The kid has about a dozen blankets, but this morning for some reason she needed a yellow one for school. She screamed, I screamed, my husband screamed... it was getting us no where, and by the time we were done I was in tears.  After the ordeal was finally over, and the child had been delivered to school, with a blue blanket that belongs to my husband, we had a little heart-to-heart in the car. I did a lot of apologizing. My husband noted that every 3 or 4 days my mother cries her "crocodile tears" and NEEDS me for something, desperately and I go through hoops and loops trying to decide whether it's legit or not, and whether I want to help her or not. Each time I take the case individually and try to decide how to manage her in that moment and it's wearing me down, especially when the holidays are already a little crazy for us. We have a lot to do before the 25th, and I'm worried that it won't get done. I see my husband's needs being met (I think), and my daughter having a meltdown when we've been giving her a ton of stuff anyway, and then I just think that my own life is falling apart. So we had a little heart to heart, and he held my hand and reassured me that he was still there, and even though I was going a little crazy in these moments, he still loved me and we'd get through these next two weeks together. He's a good man.

I hope my mother decides not to renew her lease in July, and heads back to Florida as soon as she can. I'm pretty sure January weather is going to be one continuous bitch session from her.

I could post some examples of my mother's recent craziness, but I'll spare you. I'm grateful for a patient and loving husband today, and every day.

Just plugging along one day at a time....

I'm still at a standstill with my parents. My father isn't ready to make Christmas plans, and my mom is still calling every other day to find out what the plans will be. 2 weeks to go, and it's only a one day thing anyway. Oh well. Today I am trying to decide where to spend my time. I have a list of personal things that need doing, and I'd like to get out of work to do them. Unfortunately I haven't made a list, or written the list, which would really help me organize. I just keep putting that off. So I'm at work, doing some work, doing some of this, and some of that. We'll see how long I last.

We had our first snow day this week. Work didn't close, but preschool did. Both my husband and I decided to stay home with the child since the road wasn't plowed anyway. We played in the snow, burnt cookies, and watched too much tv. A perfect day! Well... I really wanted to clean the kitchen, make brownies, and wrap presents... but it wasn't about me. Maybe this afternoon I will take some time for me to get bills paid, shopping done, and stamps bought, and maybe just maybe pull out my netbook and put some updates or some games or something on that. We'll see.

Still here

Well I held my ground on Thanksgiving and it worked out. My mom wasn't pleased exactly, but we accomplished our mission, covered all our bases and my daughter had a good time. So yay for that. On Saturday my husband cooked another Thanksgiving meal for just the 3 of us.

Now Christmas is coming. I've just chatted with my brother. He is on the outs not only with our mother, but also his father and step-mother as well. It's not easy being him, and I respect that. I still have a bag of clothes that belong to him in my closet and they aren't going anywhere. He's unemployed, homeless, and can't really see his kids that well because he can't stand who they are living with I guess.

For Christmas I offered my mother Christmas Eve. A very generous offer. She didn't turn it down exactly, but she hung up the phone to go cry because she wanted Christmas afternoon instead. I don't want to give her Christmas afternoon. That's time for us to see my father, and I don't want to do them both at once. When I see both my parents at once I don't get to see my dad because my mom monopolizes everything. It's terrible. So we'll see if she comes around for Christmas Eve. The offer is still there. I haven't even confirmed with my dad about Christmas afternoon. I know he is worried about his mother, and we're not sure if she'll still be with us by then. Just taking things one day at a time, and hoping for the best I guess. I should probably get up to the nursing home and see her again. When I saw her in the hospital she didn't recognize me. Maybe now she will.

Oh well. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here. Breathing, taking it one step at a time. Trying not to have expectations, and trying to let go.

What to do? What to do?

Halloween is next week, and it's only a month until Thanksgiving. I'm dreading Thanksgiving this year worse than ever. I am so conflicted about my mother. Part of me says avoid her, she's trouble, and part of me feels like I should be the Good Daughter and take her out to eat. My husband won't let her have dinner at our house. He doesn't have to be nice about it. He just said our kitchen is too small, we're not hosting anyone. So.. do I invite her out with us? Or do we stay home, just us, and not see her or my dad?

My dad usually sees his mom first and then comes to see us, but he said he might not do that this year because it's too much trouble. So I'm guessing he'll make other plans. I am hoping to see him for his birthday between now and then though since it's only about 10 days away.

So I'm stuck. I'd hate for my mom to be alone and lonely on the holiday, but I don't want to spoil the holiday for my husband either. What to do? What to do? I'm hoping an answer will come to me soon.