Resentment rears its ugly head!

UGH! Why do I resent my husband sometimes? He's got too much work to do, doesn't get enough sleep, has health issues, problems with his life... and yet... he gets paid more than I do, makes his life look so easy, rarely complains, and is so awesome in so many ways. He's a gifted teacher, a wonderful father, a valued employee (I am not a VALUED employee where we work), and so much more... he's a wonderful husband.

A gap has formed in-between us. I think it started when I was pregnant, and it has grown. Our daughter is 4 now, and we finally got her sleeping in her own room, out of our bed. Yet one of us is still spending a portion of the night sleeping on the floor. So there is this gap. He stays up later than I do, he gets up earlier than I do, he is smarter than I am, has more in-person friends than I do.... this gap.

Yesterday I met him after work, like always since we carpool, and I just unleashed on him a tirade out of nowhere about how he doesn't spend enough time with his kid, and the yard is a mess, and on and on... and while some of it was true, he certainly didn't deserve it. After I'd spewed and run out of words I wanted to apologize. It's not the first time though, and maybe it won't be the last. I am terribly abusive sometimes, and I don't know why. So after the kid went to bed, and I had some time alone (he was in her room), I opened up my Al-Anon books and I read about a few things, and RESENTMENT seemed to be the sticking point. I don't know why I resent him so much, but I think I do. It's not his fault that he has such a perfect life and I feel so torn apart. His life really isn't perfect either, I know. It's just me perceiving things. UGH.

So I am trying, trying, trying to turn this over to my higher power, and figure out how to get out of this bad place. How to stop resenting my husband, who I love so dearly, and how to bridge the gap between us. The trust is still there, at least I trust him. I hope he trusts me. Communication is tough though. For some reason, it's hard for me to talk to him sometimes. I don't know why. Yesterday I wanted to throw out some ideas for a trip to Maine, but instead I unleashed on him about everything else. Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to turn it over. I know I'm powerless, but I need to change what I can and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. How can I be a better wife before I lose him completely.

REAL motivation

This morning I dutifully brought my daughter to school and myself to work. Then I saw the weather forecast for the day and thought "maybe we should have just played hookey for the day. It's too hot for her to be at school with no air conditioning..."

but really, really... I don't want to be at work. That's the truth. There is a remodeling project happening near me, and the construction work has been going on all week. It is really noisy, lots and lots of banging and banging and banging. Really I don't want to be here. And really if I escape, it will probably be the same thing tomorrow so then what? I can't take the whole week off.

So the kid is going to be stuck at school, like always, and I am going to go for a walk at lunch, maybe treat myself with something from the cafeteria instead of eating what I brought with me. Because when I'm honest with myself I realize it has nothing to do with worrying about the kid and the heat (although I do worry). It's just about me and self-pity and that's no good.

Off-kilter

I've been quiet for the last few days, not being sure what to say, what to reveal, what to keep quiet about. Sometimes it's hard to know these things. Someone, actually more than one, some bloggers were posting recently about domestic violence. Someone said that not all violence is done by men. Sometimes women are the violent ones. I know this well. My mother was abusive, and still is, in many more ways than one.

One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.

On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.

Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.

Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more

Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.

Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...

oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.

Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.

Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.

At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.

So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this.  I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Yesterday I didn't post. I could list a few reasons why. I was too busy, I had my flu shot, I was tired. etc etc. etc... but doing the 10th step reminds me to be honest with myself. When I do a personal inventory I see the real reason why I didn't post. I was lazy. Let me change that. I AM lazy sometimes. I can be very motivated to get projects done etc, and I frequently have "a list" that drives my husband crazy, but sometimes I am just lazy. I'm behind on paying bills, not because my grandmother died, but because I'm lazy. My house is a mess, not because my husband and my daughter are slobs, but because I'm lazy. I didn't post yesterday because I'm lazy. And that's the truth.

Now I have to contact the various companies we owe money to for things like electricity and heating oil and tv service and make sure that they don't stop providing those things. I actually already called the heating oil people and I said "I'm sorry, I forgot to pay, but I'm sending you a check right now for what I missed last month and what I owe for October even though I haven't gotten the October bill yet." They were okay with that. I didn't lie, I didn't try to cover up. I just admitted that I didn't pay the bill and was trying to make amends.

I'm not perfect though. I also had some paperwork for my husband's ambulance ride. I told him that I'd take care of it, and I didn't. I found the form today and left it on his desk. I didn't know he would be on break when I got there. He called me and said "I thought you took care of this already." I admitted that I hadn't, and I didn't want to. I wanted him to do it, and he will because I'm not giving him much of a choice, but it was irresponsible of me to take on something, not do it, and then give it back to him. I'll apologize to him when I see him at 5pm.