Mom passed away

I almost had trouble finding this blog this morning. I always think of it as "Waiting For the Other Shoe to Fall" which I think is what the URL is.  "Tari's Steps".....

I created "Tari" because Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous and how do you write anonymously? Eventually I stopped trying to switch back and forth and owned this blog as myself, Rebecca.

Anyway... things got worse for mom after she got into the new apartment in 2017. She didn't get the services she needed and when she did get services she often pushed them away. As her health declined her weight went down and she ended up dirty because she was too weak to stand in the shower. She couldn't get laundry done and her mind was going.

Eventually VITAS, a hospice agency, stepped in and got her to a nursing home for the last few weeks of her life. She didn't want to go. Even when she could no longer walk she was trying to escape.  It was a sad situation.

I managed to get to Florida before she died and I spent the last few days at her bedside, and the nights crying alone in my hotel room. She knew I was there in the end and I made sure she was comfortable.

She didn't die in a horrific DUI accident. She didn't die from an accidental drug overdose. She didn't die in any of the crazy ways I thought she might.  She died scared and confused, and in pain. Except I let them give her drugs to take away all that so when she went she was at peace.

Cause of death was anorexia and end-stage COPD. It wasn't the drinking that killed her. It was the smoking and not eating. I've never seen a person as thin as she was. I guess hospice people see it all the time. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

I forgave her when she said she was sorry for the choices she had made. I hope that gave her peace. I'll have to keep reminding myself of the Serenity Prayer and remind myself I did the best I could for her. She wasn't easy.

Of course I'll continue to carry the message of Al-Anon in other parts of my life as well.

For the purposes of this blog though.. the shoe has fallen. I need to gather up the last of her things in Florida, decide what to keep and what to let go, and then I need to go back north and reunite mom with her parents.

Thank you all for your years of readership. May you never walk in my shoes. Feel free to leave a comment or send an email or whatever you like. I won't take the blog down but I guess this is goodbye.

May you all find peace.

Rebecca

Accepting what you're given (from your HP or elsewhere)

I want to write a post and I know I don't have time or the right words to do it at the moment, but it's coming... and before I lose the thought completely here's the gist of it...

I am accepting what I have been given by my HP. I'm not running away from it. I am taking it. Some of it is good, and some of it not so good. I made a choice to put my child first for a couple of weeks and that has made coming back to work hard. There is a lot to do (which is why I shouldn't be writing this right now). My mom has cancer. It's a common skin cancer. The old me would have freaked out. I'm staying calm. It's not in my hands. I have given it over. Worrying is not going to make it better.

I live in a town where one of my ex-boyfriends grew up. We didn't last long I'm afraid but I think of him often because I pass by where his house used to be. Indeed I drove by the day the local firefighters used it as practice (it had long been empty I suppose). Anyway, the other day he reached out to me on Facebook. At first I was nervous but so far he only wants to talk about himself and I'm good with that. I am interested in hearing what has happened in the last 21 years since our youthful time together. We all have our journey in life and I am listening with open ears I hope because I have been thinking of him during the last few years. Indeed I am grateful to hear from him and find out how things have gone (his marriage ended in divorce, his father died, etc..). This gives me some sense of closure or something. I don't know. I am accepting it as a gift.

More later I hope, but that's where I'm at the moment and I wanted you all to know I was out here meditating on this whole thing. There's more but I'm on borrowed time as it is.

Living in the moment

I am not having the day I planned. I had planned to work on a project with a very specific deadline. Unfortunately the materials I need to do the work have not been given to me so I cannot do the job. I cannot meet the deadline. I have to find something else to do and do the work later after my vacation. When I come back from my vacation I will have other projects to do. Projects that will be piling up during my absence. People will be angry that I am not making them #1 on their list.

Sound familiar? Right now I am not where I want to be. However at 3pm I will be. At 3pm I will be leaving this place and I will leave these problems on my desk until tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be a new day. I still won't get this project done, but I will move on. I will let it go because it is out of my control.

For today I am living moment by moment, and practicing the tools from Al-Anon in all of my affairs.

Breathe and Let go.

Let go of expectations.

Acceptance... of ourselves

Acceptance. I am thinking about this word a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's big enough to describe what I'm thinking on. I think about acceptance in that I have to accept that there are addicts in my life. I have to accept the 3 Cs (didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it). I also think about that I have to Accept that I'm not perfect. No one is. All I can do is keep trying.

I've been working on my weight loss for 700 days now, 23 months just about. I still haven't gotten down to my goal weight but I joined an online community for strength and support and I'm about halfway there. Halfway there and a year behind schedule. Sound familiar? I realized that I was using my Al-Anon skills in my weight loss program and I feel a little proud of myself for making that happen. I am applying the principles in all my affairs. Yay!

So how about this one... this is a tough one, maybe especially for Adult Children of Alcoholics, but I imagine it's tough for a lot of folks.. I can accept that I'm GOOD. I'm good at writing. I'm good at motivating other people. I'm a good co-leader of one my local weight loss groups. I'm a good role model for my daughter and for other people. I might even be a good photographer, but I think I need more practice before I go that far.

Anyway, I can accept a compliment. I'm still humble I think, but I don't have to put myself down. I don't have to say "Oh I haven't reached my goal so it doesn't matter....". I've lost 35 pounds in 2 years. That does matter. I'm doing well, and thank you for saying so.

I hope I'm a good blogger too, and I hope that you out there realize that if you stick with whatever you are doing, like Al-Anon, you can make it work. Accept that.

not quite serenity but acceptance maybe

Funny how time passes. Has it really been 3 months sine I've written? My mother is still in Florida only by now she's changed her address. She moved across the street. She went from a 2-bedroom with no balcony to a 1-bedroom with a balcony. Naturally she had to sell some things to afford the paperwork for the move. Naturally her boyfriend and his friends helped her. She met her boyfriend through a former neighbor at her old place. Her boyfriend's mother lived there and introduced her. I think part of the reason for the move was probably to get away from the mother. Anyway my mother's health issues continue. I think at this point she may have kidney disease or something but it's hard to know for sure. She's undergoing some testing and my understanding is she's been in and out of the hospital quite a bit lately. Hasn't stopped her from an occasional motorcycle ride though, without a helmet. I just hope she's not the one doing the driving. Live and Let Live, right? It is so much easier to do that with her being in Florida than it was when she was here in Massachusetts.

Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.

Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.

A chance to make amends

Today I had the chance to make amends to someone I felt I had harmed as a child. For over 25 years I have carried the guilt around with me that I had not helped someone when I should have. I felt responsible for my mother's actions. I know that honestly it wasn't my fault that my mother abused this child, who is now a woman, but I carried the guilt with me. Therapy could never really erase the guilt. It has simply been part of my baggage tucked away in the closet somewhere.

 Today, thanks to the wonders of technology and some searching on Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this woman. She was kind enough to let me into her life and I was able to send her messages telling her how sorry I was for all that I had done. I hope that I was also able to share with her that the abuse she suffered was not her fault. She was one of many in a long line of victims. It is unfortunate that my mother has victimized so many, but I hope that my words today let this woman know that it never was her fault and that I have always carried her in my heart. It may have helped me therapeutically more than her. I don't really know, but I am glad she messaged me and that we were able to communicate. Maybe now I will finally be able to let it go after holding onto it for so long. I don't know.

Today I am grateful to my Higher Power for the chance to make amends with this woman. No one will really understand just how I am feeling today. The tears have flowed over and over again. I know there is some PTSD mixed in with all of this too, but wow.... thank you God/Goddess/whatever higher powers that there are... thank you for today!!

Will anyone believe me?

So I'm meditating at work again today, and the thoughts are swirling around in my head. Yesterday I impulsively called the doctor's office and was lucky enough to get a late afternoon appointment that same day with a nice nurse practitioner. I told her my age and my symptoms and we both had a hunch of what the diagnosis would be. She ordered some tests. One I was able to do right away, the other will have to wait until next week. She seemed to believe me in the office, and we seemed to be on the same page.
Then today she called me to tell me that the test results from yesterday had come back and didn't show anything. This worries me a bit. If the test results don't confirm my suspicions, then what? Will I be a deemed to be a hypercondriac? Sometimes I think my primary care doctor thinks that of me. I tell her I have arthritis in my knee, but the tests don't show it. I tell her I am high-risk for breast cancer since it runs in my family, but I'm not 40 yet so we don't test for it (I guess the insurance won't pay for it). I hope that yesterday's visit and the lab work don't end up being a waste of time and money. I hope that we can find out what is causing my pain. I worry that it won't.

And this whole line of thinking seems so typical of someone who has been not believed as a child, doesn't it? Isn't it sad that the scars of childhood linger to this day, even as I try to block them out. A "healthy" person would have more faith, more self-confidence, more conviction than I have. Instead I worry about not being believed. I think this is the curse of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

On another note, I saw a website by chance today, for literary agents. The site said not to send unsolicited manuscripts, and that querys should include 3 chapters...etc etc... and credentials. What credentials do I have as a writer? None. That's what. I have none, and I'm not ready for an agent yet anyway, but I wonder if I ever do get the novel done will I be able to get it published?  I have a song written somewhere, stored away, and I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when that gets recorded too. I know it may never be a "hit", although I think that it could be if it found the right recording artist, but I hope it doesn't lay lifeless in a box buried in my closet forever too.

Image by zpeckler via Flickr

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

-------------------------

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows:)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.
-------------------------------

http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html

My health- update on checkup

I decided to just listen to the doctor and not make waves. I did ask her a couple of questions about my recent illness and she assured me that it happened very randomly. It wasn't a sign of age, stress, or poor diet. People of all ages get this illness, and unfortunately I can expect to continue to feel some pain for several months. If I'm not better by the end of May, then we can talk. The end of May seems pretty far away.

She ordered some lab tests, that I will probably get billed for thanks to the new health insurance deductibles that we have been hit with since February, but I didn't argue. I went back this morning after having fasted for my 12-14 hours, and did the blood test without complaining.

This afternoon my supervisor pointed out an error I'd made with some accounting work on Monday. It seems I mistook $8.47 and $8.97. I was unable to tell the 4 from a 9. Oops! My eyes are another issue. Not due to get those checked until June. I am considering a magnifying glass or something. I've already increased the font size on my home computers. Joy! I really am getting old, but I know I can't fight it. Just have to Let Go and Let HP and hope for the best.

"I believe...."

There is a lot of talk in recovery programs about "believing". Believing in yourself, believing in a higher power or God, believing that you can make a difference... and if you don't believe, then some will tell you to pretend to believe until you really get it.

There is a lot of talk about "acceptance" too. It's the end of the day, and I'm still not sure where I want to go with today's post. Both of these words are weighing on me today.

I believe.... I believe that when I visited my grandmother today she was glad to see me, and she knew who I was. I believe that. I believe that she knows I really love her with all my heart, and wish I could do more for her.

I also know that when I asked her "Is this where you want to be?" and she said "No", that there were layers and layers of answers there, and I know in my heart some of the places where she would rather be.

And this is where acceptance comes in. She does not want to be in that nursing home, and she does not want to be parked in front of the nurses station for an hour before lunchtime after I leave. However, she accepts it. She would like her son and daughter to visit more often than they do, but she accepts their absence and their excuses. She does not know, and maybe does not care any more, that my mother has lied to her repeatedly and in fact, is not visiting her more often because she doesn't have a car.

This is where it gets hard for me. I suspect that my grandmother feels neglected by my mother. She did a lot for my mom over the years, and she is probably hurt and confused by the fact that even though my mom moved back up to Massachusetts 2 months ago, she's not visiting grandma every day. My mother, and my uncle too I guess, never told my grandmother about the DUI my mom got in Florida in October 2007. I think it was 2007, I might be wrong on that. Anyway, my grandmother does not know that the car she bought my mom got totaled and that my mom lost her license etc, etc. When my mom came to visit from Florida when my grandmother was ill once, she did it in between probation visits. My grandmother has no clue. They think she doesn't need to know, and it's not my job to tell her.

Still if she knew that stuff, if she knew that my mom's alcoholism had done this, and that my mom was now without a car, then she'd know why my mom doesn't visit every day.

If I was retired, and lived nearby, I'd visit my grandmother every day. I hate seeing her the way she is, and I know she is lonely. In some ways she reminds me of my daughter. People really do thrive better with some love and affection, and if grandma had some 1 on 1 love from my mom or my uncle, for more than just an hour or two here and there, I think she'd be less depressed.

I can't do it though myself, and she knows it and accepts it. I'm not retired. I have a young child, and a job, and my husband and I share a car. She and I both have to accept this. So today I tried to tell her with all my heart how much I love her, but really she'll never know. I've been mourning her declining health for years, and I can't do anything except that we all get older, and she's 91 years old now, and that's just the way it is.

"It is what it is." as some people say, and we don't have to like it, we just have to accept it.

And with that, I'll sign off until tomorrow.