I think I might be back here for a while...

Hi everybody!! I hope some of you are still with me. It's been a few months since I last posted.

If you've been in a 12-step program like AA or Al-Anon for a while then hopefully you have figured out that this 12-step stuff follows you EVERYWHERE!!! At least I hope it does!

I thought I would end this blog when my alcoholic parent moved away. It's a lot easier to maintain boundaries and detachments when I don't drive by her apartment on a weekly basis. However I have been aware that the concepts I learned from Al-Anon are helpful for me in other parts of my life as well. So I've decided that I am coming back to blog some more. You probably won't see me posting as much about my mother as I used to, but hopefully I will be able to post about how I am using the coping skills I learned from Al-Anon in other parts of my life such as my marriage, my job, parenting my child, losing weight, and whatever else I feel the urge to tie in.

A week ago New England, and elsewhere along the East Coast was hit by a storm named "Irene". I was fortunate. We had been camping in the White Mountains of New Hampshire before the storm hit, and decided to come home Saturday evening. We drove through Vermont and came back to Western Mass. The rain was already starting when we pulled into our driveway. We never lost power although we did lose internet for a while. From the comfort of my living room I learned of the devastation that hit near and far. Campgrounds that we had camped at last summer, covered bridges that we had photographed in July, the highway that we had traveled on just two days ago... and then closer to home, Shelburne Falls and the Bridge of Flowers nearly destroyed, my old apartment building in Greenfield, MA flooded! The current tenants are in a hotel now I think.... but I was spared. I said the Serenity Prayer a lot. There was little I could do. I was told to stay home, stay off the roads, and stay out of the way. I still haven't gone to see the damage in person. I'd like to, but I am also trying to be respectful to those who are doing the work and those who have lost their homes, businesses, farms, and streets. Although most of the power is back on there are still many who are homeless, and many roads that are closed.

My husband has detached. He knows he is powerless. I know I am powerless too, but I am still saddened by what has happened, and quite a bit awestruck too. I want to help. I want to get to those places and take pictures to show my child for when she gets older. I am curious... but it's not my problem. I can't control it. I can't fix it. I am remembering my Cs... so I am staying out of the way for a little longer. These things will take months to rebuild. There is time later to talk to folks and in the meantime I say my thanks and say my prayers to my higher powers.

Next week fittingly enough I plan to go to a church service. The congregation is doing something on water. It will be 9/11, but the focus won't be on that history for that service. The focus will be on coming together as a community because they have all been on a summer hiatus for a few weeks. I will bring my daughter and introduce her to new people. I hope that she likes it and will want to return in the weeks that follow. In doing this I hope to introduce her to a greater sense of a higher power. I know she has a small one, but I want to help her build on that now that she is starting Kindergarten. So maybe I will have something to say about all of that some time too.

Coming out of my shell

Lots going on but how much of it matters? A cousin with cancer, a new kitchen appliance in our house, and my mother's cat died. Well, she had it put to sleep actually. Lots of things I could say about that I suppose. Last night I opened up my Al-Anon books for a while and meditated. Then I read a whole book of short stories. Who needs sleep, right? Too hot for sleep anyway. I refocused, came up with a new plan to try to get myself to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We'll see how it goes. "One Day at a Time" and "Keep it Simple Stupid". I feel more detached from my mother's loss than I feel I should be. That cat had been around for a long, long time. Still, it's probably for the best and I need to focus on myself, not on her. "Admitted that we were powerless..." and I'm reaching for the higher power of "my understanding". What if that higher power isn't the same as my husband's higher power? What do I do about that? How do I teach my child about a higher power when even my husband and I don't agree? Sigh. Let it Go. She'll figure it out too. We all do. In the meantime it's about 90 degrees outside so enjoy the sunshine.

Getting caught up again

Thank you Syd and others for reading and posting while I've been away! I just spent some time trying to get caught up on many of your blogs, and although I didn't comment, I did visit and tried to absorb what was there. I'm not a speed reader so there is only so much I can do. Thank you all for posting on your blogs and taking away some of the "alone feeling" that I get sometimes.

Today I had an event to attend across campus. I detoured on the way back to see an old friend who I had not seen in years. This campus is a big place, and we all get locked into our routines and our places. It wasn't easy to make that detour, but I was glad I did. It was nice to see a friendly face.


Today the kid went back to school, and we both got to go to work. I did miss her today, but it was nice to be in the old routines that we have. I'm looking forward to Easter, still scared on money, and wishing today was Friday. Aren't we all? The sun is out, and although the worries are there, I'm trying to think positive.


Be well all.

I'm so behind... I should be reading instead of writing

Wow, what a week! The kid kept me home on Tuesday because she was sick. The weather kept us all home yesterday- snow and rain. I'm guessing I'll be going home to a wet basement today because it hasn't stopped raining all day. Well maybe it HAS stopped by now. Still probably will be a mess at home.

Anyway... in the DUH! WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN DEPARTMENT-
I violated my own boundaries on Sunday by giving my mother a ride to the grocery store. I told myself that since I was alone and her apartment was on my way then it couldn't do any harm. I was wrong. I called her very last minute and she quickly agreed to go with me. We stopped at the pharmacy because I needed to pick up my daughter's prescriptions, then I got gas, and then we went to the grocery store. We did our shopping, and I brought her home. It wasn't until later that night that my husband found her shopping bag from the pharmacy in the car. In the haste of getting her groceries out, she had forgotten about the bag from the pharmacy. I called her the next morning to tell her we had found it. She said she wasn't worried about it and could get it anytime BUT..... and this is where I kick myself.... when I bring it over could she also have the rolodex that used to be my grandmother's, that she gave me back in September because she needs some addresses off of it. Um... I put grandma's stuff in bags and boxes and packed it away months ago. I'm not ready to look at it yet. I'm still grieving her loss. I was home for 2 extra days this week and I still didn't look for it. This is not the first time that she has asked for things back that were my grandmother's. If she didn't want me to have them, then why did she give them to me in the first place?? Because she didn't want the clutter probably. So now I have to dig through my piles when I have time and find this for her. I should learn not to do favors for her because there is always a price.

AND in the NOT LIVE AND LET LIVE DEPARTMENT-
Yeah, we are supposed to Live and Let Live, but I failed at that on Sunday. After I brought my mom home on Sunday, I came home with the groceries. My husband and daughter were just returning from a long walk. As I was bringing in the grocery bags I heard gun shots, and told my husband. He said "Well the neighbors had company and they were shooting with a rifle off the deck as we walked by"... UM??? A man was holding a rifle, aimed in your general direction, and you walked by???  I made him call the cops. The cops came, the visitors admitted to the crime,  and the cops took the rifle away. I'm not sure what will happen next. Maybe I should have just thanked my HP that my husband and daughter made it home safely and left it at that, but I couldn't. I was too shocked and angry at the whole situation. If I had been walking with them I probably would have raised holy hell, so we're all grateful that I wasn't there. Not smart to start a fight with someone with a gun when you don't have one yourself after all. Anyway, we'll see what happens next.