It's so sad to watch it happening....

I have known it was going to be like this, sort of, for a long time. My mother has been an addict for so long. My grandmother always bailed her out. My grandmother gave her money, gave her cars, pretended not to hear about the arrests and all the bad news... a lot of times of course my mother didn't give her the bad news. My grandmother needed to be "protected" because too much bad news would .. anyway... my grandmother is gone now, has been for over a year. So here I am watching this unfold sort of... my mom has a brother who is a few years older than her. He has fought his own addictions but he has lived a married life, raised 3 children, has stayed "stable" in spite of whatever demons he was fighting. My mother meanwhile did not stay in one place and ... well I was reading a description the other day and I thought it fit her pretty well....it was a description of antisocial personality disorder. Now my mother is a pretty social person however she is also a star at manipulation and can have charisma when she chooses to turn it on. She knows how to get what she wants, how to play all the games, and how to lie, cheat, and steal to meet her goals.

So where am I going with this? Her enabler is gone (my grandmother) and my mother still has her diseases and disorders and is not going to get better. At Christmas she was trying to take it easy with the cigarettes because she wanted us to visit us, but when I saw her New Years Day she admitted that she'd had a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes on New Years eve. Not that she needed to confess to me or anything she ws just telling me that she was feeling wrecked and hung-over I think.

Now she is trying to figure out where to live again. She never stays anywhere for more than a year or two and the process of relocating is a constant stress in her life. Her apartment didn't pass Section 8 inspection and she's not sure if the landlord is motivated to try to get it to pass so one way or another she will have to move. The question of course will be "where?" I am not giving any opinions. She seems happier in Florida. She likes the weather there. Okay, maybe I am giving an opinion.. she should go where she is happy. I do not know what will happen to her there though. I fear that I am going to get a phone call from a police officer or a doctor... she'll be in jail or in a hospital... and then what? Will I bail her out? I think she knows better than that. Still it's hard to watch. I hope she doesn't become homeless. That would be really, really tough. No one wants that for their loved one. It seemed like she was on the verge of that a few years ago when she almost got busted for drugs. I forget what magic she worked to get out of it. I think she plead down to a lower charge or something. She never did tell me the full story. Anyway, it's sad.

I was hoping that she'd grow up some day. That some day she'd be the adult, be responsible, and beat her addictions. She's 60 now and it's obvious to me that it's never going to happen. Both her parents are gone, her brother has fought cancer, she's a grandmother herself, and none of that matters to her. She still lives the life of addict who doesn't want help. It's hard to explain to my preschooler.

I really have to let go and let HP work because I am powerless and I know it. It still hurts to see it though. I wish I could wake her up and change her and yet I know I never can.

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I think I can set my calendar now

It seems from looking at this blog that every month around the 24th or 25th my mother and I have an argument. Not necessarily a real argument but she goes off on me and I end up wanting to cry, trying to detach, and asking myself if I have to continue this relationship with her.

On October 24th  my grandmother was being buried. My mom was on the edges then, complaining about me not spending enough time with her. When she realized she'd been outranked by my father's family she backed off.  After the burial my mother went to the cemetery to visit her parents' grave (same cemetery as my fathers' parents) and then she made some crack to me on the phone about how my father's family hadn't put enough flowers on my grandmother's grave. I was speechless at her lack of tact, but I didn't feel guilty because I knew that I had put flowers there even if no one else did. I guess this was her way at striking back at me for not spending time with her.

Then we had my father's birthday and Halloween. Well really, my father's birthday was November 1st, and she couldn't wait. She called me during the day yesterday and left a message. It angered me. I called her back and left a short but simple message that was direct and detached. Today she called again with 2 more messages, plus she managed to run into my father during the day and tried to get him on her side as well. Much to my amusement I heard about the encounter from my father's point of view and was glad to hear he had supported me (even though he didn't know about last night's game of message tag).

SO here we are again. The Holidays are coming. My husband and I have agreed on boundaries for Thanksgiving (we will not have her in our house, and we will not visit hers, we can meet in a public place). My mother is trying to change that, but I have my husband's support and I am strong.

Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas both fall in that window of 24th-25th when she seems to come after me. Should make for another eventful holiday season if I don't figure out something out soon.

trying to do my part

The service was on Saturday. We had to wait for out of town relatives, some in their 70s. I took Friday off to spend with family and I was glad I did. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not return to my uncle's house and I felt odd about it. I think it was just a gathering for the others though. A time for the brothers and wives to gather and remember in the aftermath.

When my maternal grandmother passed away last year I was there for my mother. I spent most of a week with her, visiting the funeral home, helping with arrangements, etc. This time it's different. My father doesn't need me as much and I feel a little lost. I am trying to let go though. I am trying to listen and be available and yet not get in the way. It's a struggle, but I am trying.

It's a good lesson Let Go and Let God, and that's what I am trying to do today.

and she's gone

I got to see her one last time. On Friday she was moved from the hospital back to the nursing home. My father was there for her all day in the hospital, and then there at the nursing home to help her settle back in. On Saturday the hospice came, and the doctor, and my dad of course. On Sunday I was finally permitted to come and sit for a bit. I didn't stay too long. My father told me to keep it short and sweet and so I did.

This morning I got the call from him that she had gone during the night. He had gone home in the evening to do laundry, to eat, to do normal things like sleep.

It's funny this thing. I didn't think this one would be so hard. I bought new black boots. My husband got a haircut. We canceled our vacation plans. And now we sit and wait for the date because relatives must arrive from out of town.

saying goodbye

Tonight I have to go to the hospital and try to say goodbye to my last remaining grandparent. My paternal grandmother is going. I saw her the other night and I thought she was going to be okay, but last night she took a turn for the worst. My father is trying to gather the family around- his 3 brothers are all out of state- and invite any who want to to come when they can. I'm not sure how long she has, only she knows that I guess.

She doesn't have cancer. She beat that already. She's just tired and old I guess. I thought she'd go next summer honestly, but I guess she's decided to go sooner. I'm not really ready for this, and I don't think my father is either. I need to be there for him though so I am doing what I can, which probably won't be enough.

I'm not as close to her as I was to my maternal grandmother, but my dad has taken care of her for most of his adult life in some form or another. He took care of his father too. My grandmother has been in nursing care for many years due to mental health problems, but he has been there advocating for her care. He brings her the candy she likes, the slippers she needs, the news she wants to hear. He has been her best friend I think for so long. I am so sad for him now.

happiness

I posted that Hazelden link as much for myself as anyone else. I stumbled on it at work and I wanted to make sure I had access to it from my computers at home and elsewhere. So I stuck it here.

It's good stuff I think. I saw a quote there today that I like it said:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  —Abraham Lincoln"

Reminds me of a book I saw called "You can choose to be happy", which is pretty much something my father has said to me from time to time. He says it mostly about other people, like when I'm worried about someone else's depression. He said it about my grandmother who was depressed after my grandfather passed away. He said again when my daughter was adjusting to new day care. I remember the first weeks of sending her there. It was so awful to leave her at the center and see her cry and know that she just sat on a bench all day watching the other kids play. I felt like the worst parent in the world, but I couldn't quit my job. My dad said "She'll be happy when she wants to be happy." He was right. One day she just got out of the car without having to be carried in. She put her stuff away and joined the group. She was like a different person, like someone had flipped a switch. She had chosen to be happy.

Today my husband, my daughter, and myself encountered my mother in the parking lot at the grocery store. My husband saw her first, and ducked his head back in the car and said "Your mother is 2 spots away, putting her groceries away." My daughter said "Quick! Let's hide from her." My husband whisked her out of the far side of the car and into the store. Meanwhile I stayed calm and went over and said "Hello". I told my mom that my daughter had an urgent potty mission. That wasn't a lie, but I left out the conversation that happened in the car. I chatted with my mom briefly and pleasantly and promised to buy her some flower bulbs that she can plant in the cemetery. That seemed to make her happy. Then I rejoined my husband and daughter in the store. A brief visit on neutral ground seemed to be about all I could handle of my mother. She wasn't mean this time, but that doesn't mean that she won't be awful next time. Focus on today though, and today was okay.

Just a quick post

So the big day of weight loss came and went. I read with sadness about the death of a married 29 year old woman with 2 kids who died. Once again she is/was a friend of an acquaintance. I did not know her personally, but reading her Facebook page I can tell that the death came suddenly and my suspicion is that it was a suicide or accidental overdose. Meanwhile memorial services were held today for the other woman who died. One of the services was right outside my window at work, in the courtyard garden. I watched but did not participate.

Next week will be the anniversary of my grandmother passing away. It's hard to believe that it's been a year already.

My husband and I are struggling to find... something that we've misplaced between us. I don't want to post about that. I feel like I've got a lot of negative inside me and it's my stuff and I need to work on it, but then at the same time I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just get through my daily life. Really I'd like to withdraw from the world and have a good cry, a long drive maybe, or a long walk or something... it's not going to happen though. I need to be here. Now.

Lunch is over. My paperwork awaits me.

Image by LEMBOT via Flickr

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

I don't know why I say that. I'm not Mexican. Then again, I'm not Irish as far as I know either, but I still said "Happy St. Patrick's Day" to folks back in March.

Friday would have been my grandmother's birthday. I'm thinking about that this week, and missing her. I was glad that my mom made May Day baskets this year. That was something that my grandmother used to do. My mom said she made around 112 of them. Some day I suppose I will be making them too.

Medical stuff continued

I last posted on Wednesday, and on Friday I went back to the doctor. I got a prescription goo to put over the blisters. It took 3 pharmacies before we found one that actually realized that the script was wrong and called the Nurse Practitioner to get the right script written. After that, I went home and slept. I took the day off. On Saturday we celebrated my mother's 60th birthday and my daughter behaved well. On Sunday we celebrated my grandmother's 99th birthday- her actual birthday is tomorrow- but my daughter did not behave well, and neither did my pain. We all suffered through the rain and the event, and I was grateful to get home.

Today is Tuesday already, and after another sleepless night I called the doctor again this morning and said I was running out of the prescription pain pills. Do I need more or will this get better tonight or tomorrow? I hate asking for pain pills. Garnet posted about not wanting to order someone an MRI who might not need it. I'm not sure I want more prescription pills. I'd like to heal and be able to count on over the counter ibuprofen to be enough. I'm not sure it will be though, so I called. After work today I'll go back to the pharmacy. The nurse practitioner agreed to prescribe some more pills. Teresa posted about needing to get off the pity potty. I need to get off of my pity potty too. It's good to get some outside perspective, and I am trying to do that. I still hurt though, especially at night. On the bright side I am taking Friday off.

Still here

Well I held my ground on Thanksgiving and it worked out. My mom wasn't pleased exactly, but we accomplished our mission, covered all our bases and my daughter had a good time. So yay for that. On Saturday my husband cooked another Thanksgiving meal for just the 3 of us.

Now Christmas is coming. I've just chatted with my brother. He is on the outs not only with our mother, but also his father and step-mother as well. It's not easy being him, and I respect that. I still have a bag of clothes that belong to him in my closet and they aren't going anywhere. He's unemployed, homeless, and can't really see his kids that well because he can't stand who they are living with I guess.

For Christmas I offered my mother Christmas Eve. A very generous offer. She didn't turn it down exactly, but she hung up the phone to go cry because she wanted Christmas afternoon instead. I don't want to give her Christmas afternoon. That's time for us to see my father, and I don't want to do them both at once. When I see both my parents at once I don't get to see my dad because my mom monopolizes everything. It's terrible. So we'll see if she comes around for Christmas Eve. The offer is still there. I haven't even confirmed with my dad about Christmas afternoon. I know he is worried about his mother, and we're not sure if she'll still be with us by then. Just taking things one day at a time, and hoping for the best I guess. I should probably get up to the nursing home and see her again. When I saw her in the hospital she didn't recognize me. Maybe now she will.

Oh well. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here. Breathing, taking it one step at a time. Trying not to have expectations, and trying to let go.

More sad news

My dad was on Google chat today. I asked about my paternal grandmother. He said she is going to get the Gold Cane in a few days for being the oldest resident in town, but she doesn't really want it. She's still upset about losing her sister (understandably). He also said he doesn't expect her to see green grass again, meaning she'll be gone by her next birthday in March. I'm not sure if I'll visit her tomorrow or not. My visits do little to comfort her. I am probably going to try to write her a short note though and let her know I'm thinking of her.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is Veterans Day. My dad is a Vet, and there are thousands of vets out there. I may not "celebrate" but I'll be thinking of them in my heart. My daughter has the day off from school so I'll be doing something with her, raking leaves, visiting friends, playing at the park, not sure what... but my thoughts are with all those families with a family member in the service and with all those families who have a vet at home too.

In honor of... In memory of..... my heart goes out to you.

the Monday after Halloween

Today I'm grateful for Scott's blog. I need a reminder sometimes to remember what I'm grateful for and reading his blog helps me do that.

I'm grateful that I remembered the slogan "Take what you like and leave the rest" today. I am feeling like I'm getting information overload on Mondays sometimes. I have RSS feeds set up on at least 3 different email accounts and sometimes I get behind. Today I had over 1000 posts on libraries, writing, and books waiting for me. I ignored most of them. I don't need it today. Fortunately my RSS feeds for Al-Anon are caught up and easier to digest. I actually look forward to reading them and saved them for last.

In the "things never go as planned" department, we made some adjustments over the weekend. Friday night we went straight home since we were all tired from the day before. On Saturday my daughter said she was not interested in the Fairy Princess Garden or whatever that I thought would be so much fun. She wanted to find a pick-your-own-pumpkin patch instead. So we tried to do that. We searched for several hours, riding in the car, and couldn't find one. Maybe it was too late in the season. Oh well. She also said she did not want to see my mother, and we decided not to force her although I came pretty close.

We did have a great time trick or treating in a neighborhood that we hadn't gone to before, and my husband had a good time and none of us minded the rain. So hoorah for that! Coming home, overtired, hungry, wet.. that was another story, but overall we had fun!

Still in the "not as planned" department, Sunday didn't go as planned either. My daughter did not want to see her grandfather for dinner, and although I was very disappointed, my husband offered to stay home with her. This turned out to be a blessing. My paternal grandmother ended up in the hospital on Saturday so after having dinner with my dad and his girlfriend, the three of us went to the hospital to see her. I had not seen her since Christmas (mostly her choice). My dad was surprised that I had actually listened to him, and gotten him what he asked for for his birthday. Hmm.. kind of a back-handed compliment I guess.

My dad is a very loyal son. When we got the the hospital, he washed his hands, checked in with the nurses, looked at grandma's monitor (numbers were high), and then went in and gently woke her up and made her more comfortable. He did exactly the right things. He is a man who really knows how to LISTEN, and does it much more beautifully than I do. I wish I had his magic.

I feel sorry that he spent Halloween and his birthday at the hospital, and really didn't get to enjoy his special day. My grandmother will be fine, and will return to the nursing home today or tomorrow. I'm standing by my belief that she has a few more years in her and will live to be 100 or 101. I don't think my dad always believes me.

I am grateful that my husband was willing to let me go for so much of Sunday. Between seeing my dad and doing the grocery shopping, I wasn't home much on Sunday. I think my husband had a bigger dose of one-on-one time with our daughter than he ever has on a weekend. I was grateful for the time off, and grateful for his support.

For what it's worth, we didn't see my mom over the weekend, but I did try to see her Sunday when I was out grocery shopping. I stopped at her apartment on my way to and from the grocery store, but she wasn't home. I left her a small bag of candy in her mailbox. I hope she knows it was from me. If not, oh well. Let it go.

Courage to Change

I don't have much time to post today, and my coworker is being loud on the phone so I'm doing this quickly...

Reach into my backpack where I have probably 3 Al-Anon books. Grab one at random and it is "Courage to Change" and go to today's page. The last part is a quote by James Barrie, but when I searched the internet I found 2 different versions. Here is one:

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

Rectorial address, May 3, 1922, St. Andrew’s University, Scotland

And the one in the book is "God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December."

Either one is good. Having lost my grandmother and buried her last Friday, I am still feeling sad a bit. Relations with my mother and my brother are strained now too. My husband thinks this is the time to detach from my mother now that my grandmother and grandfather are gone. I'm reluctant to let her go completely. It saddens me that my daughter will not have a grandmother like the one I had, but no matter what I do my mother will never be as her mother was. To continue a relationship with my mother or not is a big elephant in my room right now, and ultimately I am to some degree powerless over what happens because I cannot control my mother either. I just need to turn it over to my Higher Power and see what happens next.