My last post was almost six months ago here. It's funny how time slips by but really it's true I haven't had much to say. We didn't visit my mother this summer, or my father-in-law in another state. We stayed with ourselves doing things for just the three of us. It was easier that way.
Recently my mom had a health issue that was worse than originally thought. The end result was a surgery which was scheduled for this past Monday. I offered to visit repeatedly and she said no, don't come. I respected that and stayed in my corner of the world. The day before the surgery it dawned on her how serious this might be. She still didn't want me nearby though so we stayed in touch by phone. I got the hospital numbers and the number for the doctor and on Monday I made calls and held my breath. The surgery went long and recovery went long. She made it to ICU though and then stayed there extra long. She's out of ICU now and still in the hospital. She wants to go home tomorrow but I don't know if that will happen. In the hospital they've discovered other things that maybe hadn't been noticed before. I'm not sure what will be decided. All I can do is call and listen to the nurses and listen to her and wait.
I'm still waiting for the other shoe to fall. It feels like we came very close this week. My suitcase has been sitting nearby. I've got it half packed. I've got my credit card and AAA card and all of that. My husband and daughter know that on a dime I may have to leave town. Just waiting for that call.
And then instead last night a friend of mine who lives less than 2 hours from my mom... she came home and found her husband passed away. I'm just shocked. It's not fair. There was no warning.
I've been waiting for years, and especially this week, but instead this. There is no justice and even though the two events are not connected to each other at all I feel it. Not rational I know but real to me. So shocked and unfair.
Other things are going on too. Things I have more control over and I'm just on edge waiting for some kind of release. I hope when my mom gets home I can cry. I need to release that but honestly I'm not sure if she'll go home. I won't know until they tell me what's next.
Just taking it one day at a time and riding this roller coaster ride whether I want to or not. I'm trying to be detached but I'm failing. I'm pulled in because I still love her and I know this is serious stuff.
I am trying, trying, trying to Let Go and Let God. It's all I can do.
Showing posts with label waiting for the other shoe to fall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting for the other shoe to fall. Show all posts
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Monday, May 3, 2010
crap about my mother
I posted a couple of weeks ago about my mother asking for some jewelry to be returned to her. I couldn't find the jewelry and my mother was insistent that I had it.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
So Saturday morning my daughter and I went over to my mother's yard sale. She wasn't set up close enough to the road for many people to see her, and she hadn't advertised in the paper. I decided I'd better just give her some small things, and hang on to the bigger ones for a charity donation. So my daughter and I pulled in, and my mom explained that the landlord's wife had told her to keep it small. So she was away from the road and trying to make everyone happy. While we talked I poked around. I gave my daughter a bag and told her to put whatever she wanted in it, and I'd pay my mom for it. That kept my daughter busy. Then I noticed something on one of the tables- my grandmother's jewelry. Not all of it, but it was the earrings that my mother had insisted were in my possession. I pointed them out to my mom. I was expecting an apology of some sort. I never got one. I think this upset me more than anything. I'm not upset that she is selling the clip-on earrings. I don't need them myself. I'm upset that she accused me, then accused me some more, and had them in her possession the whole time. Plus, all she wanted them for was to sell them. After a while some more friends of my mother's came. One was an ex-boyfriend of hers. He noted that she was selling a fishing pole that he had given her. No apology about that either, and he didn't offer to buy it back. After his buddy made a rude remark, I decided it was time to leave. Other adventures awaited my daughter and I.
Skip forward to Saturday night, and dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I repeated this story about the jewelry and the lack of apology. My father laughed and told his girlfriend. This kind of behavior is just so typical of my mother. It didn't upset him the way it upset me of course, but I think he understands some of my pain.
When I left my mother's apartment on Saturday morning I told her that our weekend was full and we wouldn't be back. Still, she called my house Saturday while I was out to ask me to come back to get the few things I had left. I called her back and told her I'd get it on Mother's Day. Then on Sunday I drove by her apartment on the way to the grocery store. I thought about stopping but saw that she wasn't home. She still wasn't home when I drove by again on my way home. Then after I got home she showed up at my place, on her scooter/moped thing wanting me to come over to her house. I told her we were having lunch and then on our way out again. Again, "I will see you on Mother's Day".. well she doesn't want to wait that long to get rid of the stuff. That's fine with me. If someone else can give her a hand before I can, great. Not the answers she wanted though. She wanted my world to revolve around hers. I can tell. It didn't. I held my ground.
Some day I will have to try to explain things to my daughter. I'm already searching for ways. My daughter got a bag full of stuffed animals and a brand new 1999 Barbie that was still in the box. Might have been a collector's item, but not anymore. My daughter didn't understand the frustration or hear the anger I was feeling. I'm glad now, but some day I will have to warn her because I know the day will come when my mother lashes out at her in some way. I hope my daughter doesn't cry the same way I have over the years. I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Rest in peace Grandma
My maternal grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My mother was the last family member to see her alive, and I was the first relative to get the news of the passing. My mom had left the nursing home just a couple of hours before my grandmother passed, and I arrived just a few minutes too late. It's going to be a difficult week.
My mother is really hard to be around for my husband and I, and of course she will be in the center of attention this week. It's going to be very hard for me dealing with her. The funeral isn't until Friday. I've made it through today (Tuesday) at work, but I've decided to take the rest of the week off to spend with my mother, and some time for myself. Friday will be long I'm sure.
My husband has been really great both in supporting me, and in keeping me grounded. This morning I was letting our daughter get away with too much, and he waited until she was at preschool before he reminded me of my parenting duties. I was cutting the kid way too much slack, and undermining his attempts at reigning her in. He was right, and I know it. He has also been there to listen, to hug, and to take the kid away from me so I could cry in peace. He's a good man, and I know that I have been blessed to have him in my life. He is proof to me that God listens, and grants miracles.
Don't expect any more posts this week as I grieve, but know that I will be putting all my Al-Anon resources to the test. I loved my grandmother a great deal, and was very close to her. Amen.
They say that death comes in threes. I've been informed that one of my mother's first-cousins is very ill, and not expected to last the week. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall now, and wondering who the third one will be. Sad, but true.
My mother is really hard to be around for my husband and I, and of course she will be in the center of attention this week. It's going to be very hard for me dealing with her. The funeral isn't until Friday. I've made it through today (Tuesday) at work, but I've decided to take the rest of the week off to spend with my mother, and some time for myself. Friday will be long I'm sure.
My husband has been really great both in supporting me, and in keeping me grounded. This morning I was letting our daughter get away with too much, and he waited until she was at preschool before he reminded me of my parenting duties. I was cutting the kid way too much slack, and undermining his attempts at reigning her in. He was right, and I know it. He has also been there to listen, to hug, and to take the kid away from me so I could cry in peace. He's a good man, and I know that I have been blessed to have him in my life. He is proof to me that God listens, and grants miracles.
Don't expect any more posts this week as I grieve, but know that I will be putting all my Al-Anon resources to the test. I loved my grandmother a great deal, and was very close to her. Amen.
They say that death comes in threes. I've been informed that one of my mother's first-cousins is very ill, and not expected to last the week. I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall now, and wondering who the third one will be. Sad, but true.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I'm confused about this blog
Okay this isn't a really on-topic I admit. I'm wondering why this blog isn't showing up when I do searches. I think I have my settings set correctly, but for some reason it's invisible in Google Blog Search, and I'm not sure why. I want it to show up in searches for Al-Anon, ACOA, and recovery things, but it's not. Any clues?
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