I want to write a post and I know I don't have time or the right words to do it at the moment, but it's coming... and before I lose the thought completely here's the gist of it...
I am accepting what I have been given by my HP. I'm not running away from it. I am taking it. Some of it is good, and some of it not so good. I made a choice to put my child first for a couple of weeks and that has made coming back to work hard. There is a lot to do (which is why I shouldn't be writing this right now). My mom has cancer. It's a common skin cancer. The old me would have freaked out. I'm staying calm. It's not in my hands. I have given it over. Worrying is not going to make it better.
I live in a town where one of my ex-boyfriends grew up. We didn't last long I'm afraid but I think of him often because I pass by where his house used to be. Indeed I drove by the day the local firefighters used it as practice (it had long been empty I suppose). Anyway, the other day he reached out to me on Facebook. At first I was nervous but so far he only wants to talk about himself and I'm good with that. I am interested in hearing what has happened in the last 21 years since our youthful time together. We all have our journey in life and I am listening with open ears I hope because I have been thinking of him during the last few years. Indeed I am grateful to hear from him and find out how things have gone (his marriage ended in divorce, his father died, etc..). This gives me some sense of closure or something. I don't know. I am accepting it as a gift.
More later I hope, but that's where I'm at the moment and I wanted you all to know I was out here meditating on this whole thing. There's more but I'm on borrowed time as it is.
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Saturday, September 11, 2010
independence
Not sure if that is the right title for this. I'm still kind of working on it. "Freedom" is not what I'm looking for either. Someone might say "Selfish" fits.
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via Flickr
Today is 9/11 and I could say a lot about that, and the history of 9/11/01. Or I could talk about 9/11/2009, the day I buried my grandmother. I'm not going to talk about that.
Live in the moment. Live in today. You can't change the past. Today. Today I had a plan. I refused to let my plan be taken from me. I refused to stay home and miss the fun. Instead I left my husband at his friend's house and I took our daughter to the fair. Then I did the unthinkable. I LEFT THE CELL PHONE IN THE CAR for nearly 6 hours while we had fun at the fair. I didn't do it on purpose initially, but when I realized what I had done I didn't go back for it. If I needed to know what time it was I simply looked for someone with a watch. I knew my husband was on-call and his beeper could go off and he might need the car. I also knew he had friends with cars and he was with them. So I relaxed and my daughter had a blast I think. She told me she loved all of it, and she really wants to go back tomorrow. I think my husband wants to go tomorrow too. I think he's curious about what he missed. I might just indulge them. I had fun too. :-)
There was a certain freedom, a certain independence in leaving that phone behind. No email, no phone, no one could reach us, and yet we weren't alone. If WE had an emergency we were absolutely covered being in a crowded place with lots of emergency staff on hand if need be, etc and I could always get back to the car if I had to. When we were done at the fair and got back to the car I called my husband and went to get him (he wasn't where I had left him) and the three of us had dinner together and came home. So I didn't ditch him permanently, just in case you are wondering. ;-) But wow, a whole afternoon having fun with my daughter and no one could reach us and make us do something different. We did what we wanted to, and mostly we agreed on what to do. Only a few arguments, but that is typical with a 4 year old. She was so happy when I told her at the end of the day that she had been a good kid and I'd had fun too.
Image by Nemo's great uncle via FlickrWednesday, July 28, 2010
Inspiration
I am looking for inspiration today. I want to write, and I want to post, but I'm not sure what about. I wish I had some magic song lyrics or a poem to quote. Where does one find song lyrics about Al-Anon anyway? So many songs about drinking and boozing, but what about about recovery? Where do I find music like that? I guess I should Google these questions, huh? Maybe I'll come up with something.
The kid slept in her own room last night, the first time in a while. I cleaned it first and made it welcoming, and then hung out for an hour after she fell asleep just to be sure she wouldn't wake from the washing machine. Then I went to my own room, surfed the web a bit, and finally fell asleep. At 4am she called for my husband. I woke him, and then went back to sleep. I like nights like that! :-)
My dad has had a rough week so far I think, but I am hearing about it from his girlfriend. He is being quiet and private like usual, not wishing to share much with me. I am trying to respect that, and am meditating about him in peace.
The kid slept in her own room last night, the first time in a while. I cleaned it first and made it welcoming, and then hung out for an hour after she fell asleep just to be sure she wouldn't wake from the washing machine. Then I went to my own room, surfed the web a bit, and finally fell asleep. At 4am she called for my husband. I woke him, and then went back to sleep. I like nights like that! :-)
My dad has had a rough week so far I think, but I am hearing about it from his girlfriend. He is being quiet and private like usual, not wishing to share much with me. I am trying to respect that, and am meditating about him in peace.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
thinking of the single parents out there
This morning I woke up before my daughter. My husband is away this week, a rare occurrence, so I actually had the living room to myself for a few minutes. I took a few sips of coffee and enjoyed the peace and tranquility for the moment.
I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.
So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.
At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".
Peace.
I know that a lot of AA and Al-Anon members are single parents, and many are going through divorces. I am fortunate that I am only a single parent for a week. By the time I find a routine and get used to the change, the week will be over. For the rest of you though, it won't be that easy. Still at 6am, I was thinking of you in that quiet. Thinking of how I hope your lives are more peaceful now that you are away from your loved one, and thinking how hard it is to adapt to that change. It's definitely more work being a single parent. The child hinders rather than helps the situation, arguing with me, delaying us, stalling when things need done. Little things like brushing teeth take much longer than they should. Fortunately the child also reminds me to hug, smile, and laugh occasionally too. I hope your children do that for you. I know that sometimes I forget on my own.
So often "single parents" refers to women, but it's important to remember that there are a lot of dads out there too. Some with custody, some sharing it, some still fighting to get it. My parents divorced in an era where fathers weren't even considered for custody matters really. I can only imagine how painful that must have been for the men to be broken away from their children unfairly by the courts, no matter what mental the state the mothers were in. Progress for fathers has been slow in this matter over the years. Once upon a time I worked a job that was across the street from a family court. On Wednesdays the fathers picketed for their rights. Sometimes there were only a few there, other times there were many. I have since moved on to another job, and I wonder if they are still out there these many years later. I imagine that some of them still might be.
At 8:30am I could have told you how many hours until my husband's plane is due to land. Since then I've lost track of the numbers, but at least it's on my calendar and the end is in sight. Even though I enjoyed those few minutes of quiet, I miss him more, and will be glad when this week is over. To all of you single parents out there though, with no end to it, I hope you find those quiet moments and some peace. I hope you find a routine that works for you, and I hope your kids remember to cherish you occasionally. I know it's more than "not easy".
Peace.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Do I really want to do this??
I went into the BIG library today, up to the 17th floor, and explored the Al-Anon books up there. Some of them are pretty old, and many have never been checked out I think. Too bad. I saw some interesting stories as I skimmed through the books and along the shelves. Then I stopped to ask myself "Do I want to do this? Do I want to identify myself, however anonymously, as an 'adult child of an alcoholic'? Do I want to let that define me?" My husband and my child love me unconditionally. Neither are interested in who I was before I came into their lives. They love me for who I am NOW, in the present, in this moment. They do not care about how I got here or why I am the way I am. They accept me for what is. They are practicing healthy relationships without even knowing it, without even thinking about it. They are just healthy to begin with. Why is it so much work for me to not be so toxic? Why can't I have their peace and sanity?
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
And then I remember that my 3 year old drives my husband insane sometimes too, and when that happens I am fortunate to have a program to turn to to help me keep mine. My husband doesn't have that gift, and I am fortunate. Gratitude.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Something to ponder quickly
Yesterday I went on Amazon and ordered some books. Seems my old copies, that I had before I got married, have vanished. I think I gifted them to charity in order to save space. My book collection took a huge hit before I moved in with my husband. Since we've lived in our current house, it took another hit by being stored away. I went through the few boxes that I could find, but could not find my old favorites so I ordered new ones.
My preschooler is driving me crazy. I'm losing my sanity, and feeling unhappy around my child. Not good feelings. I'm reminded that I need to practice my program in other areas of my life, not just around the addicts and alcoholics that brought me to Al-Anon in the first place, but everywhere. I need to find MY peace, and my sanity at work, with my husband, with my child, and with everyone else as well. It's a struggle and I'm feeling like I'm not where I want to be with some of these things. It's difficult especially when dealing with children who can't be expected to understand another person's perspective.
My preschooler is driving me crazy. I'm losing my sanity, and feeling unhappy around my child. Not good feelings. I'm reminded that I need to practice my program in other areas of my life, not just around the addicts and alcoholics that brought me to Al-Anon in the first place, but everywhere. I need to find MY peace, and my sanity at work, with my husband, with my child, and with everyone else as well. It's a struggle and I'm feeling like I'm not where I want to be with some of these things. It's difficult especially when dealing with children who can't be expected to understand another person's perspective.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Let Go and Let HP and "Courage to change the things I can" often go hand-in-hand
I often find that having the "courage to change the things I can" and "Let Go and Let God/HP" go together. I prefer the "Let go and Let HP" motto over the serenity prayer sometimes because I really have to practice at the Letting Go part. I want to be in control, I really do!
This past week has been an example of these two things in action, and it has nothing to do with my mother. As further proof that the 12 steps are not just about the addicts and alcoholics in my life, but about living MY life for me I offer this example:
I work for the state. I was hired in 2005 to my current job. In 2006, after my maternity leave, I gradually began to take on greater responsibility and do more complex duties. Last year my supervisors finally decided to officially acknowledge this and tried to get my job reclassified to a higher level. Unfortunately they failed. There were others that the supervisors were lobbying to upgrade as well, and none got approved.
So now the ball is in my court. I decided that I had the "Courage to change the things I can" and I filled out the forms to try to get reclassified myself. With my supervisors support, I gathered evidence to support my case, and I scheduled an interview with the powers to be to state my case. That's the "Courage..." part.
Today I had my interview, and did my best to succeed. Yesterday I even got my hair cut and bought some new clothes and shoes to bolster my confidence. I did everything I could think of to prepare beforehand, and really studied, and then I did everything I could during the interview to do well.
Now it's time to "Let Go and Let HP". I've done my part. The administrators will gather more information from my supervisors' director, and other sources. They will prepare a report and give me a chance to review it. Right now I have to wait. Right now there is nothing I can do. Right now I have to Let Go, and I don't know how long it will take. It might be a month before the next step of action is required on my part. Letting Go is hard work, but it's what I have to do. "Grant me serenity" while I'm letting go.
and peace too.
This past week has been an example of these two things in action, and it has nothing to do with my mother. As further proof that the 12 steps are not just about the addicts and alcoholics in my life, but about living MY life for me I offer this example:
I work for the state. I was hired in 2005 to my current job. In 2006, after my maternity leave, I gradually began to take on greater responsibility and do more complex duties. Last year my supervisors finally decided to officially acknowledge this and tried to get my job reclassified to a higher level. Unfortunately they failed. There were others that the supervisors were lobbying to upgrade as well, and none got approved.
So now the ball is in my court. I decided that I had the "Courage to change the things I can" and I filled out the forms to try to get reclassified myself. With my supervisors support, I gathered evidence to support my case, and I scheduled an interview with the powers to be to state my case. That's the "Courage..." part.
Today I had my interview, and did my best to succeed. Yesterday I even got my hair cut and bought some new clothes and shoes to bolster my confidence. I did everything I could think of to prepare beforehand, and really studied, and then I did everything I could during the interview to do well.
Now it's time to "Let Go and Let HP". I've done my part. The administrators will gather more information from my supervisors' director, and other sources. They will prepare a report and give me a chance to review it. Right now I have to wait. Right now there is nothing I can do. Right now I have to Let Go, and I don't know how long it will take. It might be a month before the next step of action is required on my part. Letting Go is hard work, but it's what I have to do. "Grant me serenity" while I'm letting go.
and peace too.
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