Will anyone believe me?

So I'm meditating at work again today, and the thoughts are swirling around in my head. Yesterday I impulsively called the doctor's office and was lucky enough to get a late afternoon appointment that same day with a nice nurse practitioner. I told her my age and my symptoms and we both had a hunch of what the diagnosis would be. She ordered some tests. One I was able to do right away, the other will have to wait until next week. She seemed to believe me in the office, and we seemed to be on the same page.
Then today she called me to tell me that the test results from yesterday had come back and didn't show anything. This worries me a bit. If the test results don't confirm my suspicions, then what? Will I be a deemed to be a hypercondriac? Sometimes I think my primary care doctor thinks that of me. I tell her I have arthritis in my knee, but the tests don't show it. I tell her I am high-risk for breast cancer since it runs in my family, but I'm not 40 yet so we don't test for it (I guess the insurance won't pay for it). I hope that yesterday's visit and the lab work don't end up being a waste of time and money. I hope that we can find out what is causing my pain. I worry that it won't.

And this whole line of thinking seems so typical of someone who has been not believed as a child, doesn't it? Isn't it sad that the scars of childhood linger to this day, even as I try to block them out. A "healthy" person would have more faith, more self-confidence, more conviction than I have. Instead I worry about not being believed. I think this is the curse of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

On another note, I saw a website by chance today, for literary agents. The site said not to send unsolicited manuscripts, and that querys should include 3 chapters...etc etc... and credentials. What credentials do I have as a writer? None. That's what. I have none, and I'm not ready for an agent yet anyway, but I wonder if I ever do get the novel done will I be able to get it published?  I have a song written somewhere, stored away, and I wonder if I will ever live to see the day when that gets recorded too. I know it may never be a "hit", although I think that it could be if it found the right recording artist, but I hope it doesn't lay lifeless in a box buried in my closet forever too.

Image by zpeckler via Flickr

Medical stuff continued

I last posted on Wednesday, and on Friday I went back to the doctor. I got a prescription goo to put over the blisters. It took 3 pharmacies before we found one that actually realized that the script was wrong and called the Nurse Practitioner to get the right script written. After that, I went home and slept. I took the day off. On Saturday we celebrated my mother's 60th birthday and my daughter behaved well. On Sunday we celebrated my grandmother's 99th birthday- her actual birthday is tomorrow- but my daughter did not behave well, and neither did my pain. We all suffered through the rain and the event, and I was grateful to get home.

Today is Tuesday already, and after another sleepless night I called the doctor again this morning and said I was running out of the prescription pain pills. Do I need more or will this get better tonight or tomorrow? I hate asking for pain pills. Garnet posted about not wanting to order someone an MRI who might not need it. I'm not sure I want more prescription pills. I'd like to heal and be able to count on over the counter ibuprofen to be enough. I'm not sure it will be though, so I called. After work today I'll go back to the pharmacy. The nurse practitioner agreed to prescribe some more pills. Teresa posted about needing to get off the pity potty. I need to get off of my pity potty too. It's good to get some outside perspective, and I am trying to do that. I still hurt though, especially at night. On the bright side I am taking Friday off.

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am grateful that although I am in extreme pain this week, the pain will eventually end. I am grateful to not have to live with constant pain, the way my husband does. I am grateful for the chance to gain perspective without having to live with it forever (I hope!).

I am also grateful that the tow truck I saw this morning was not for our car. I am grateful that the driver was fine, and apparently the damage to the car was minimum. I am grateful that my husband had patience, and did not drive across the lawn of the nearby home, as some other drivers were doing. I am grateful that we were able to show our daughter patience, and that it seemed to pay off. We were powerless and we knew it. We don't always have the opportunities to show her things like that.

I am grateful for a sunny day, even if I can't be outside. I think days like this improve everyone's moods, even as I sit her cringing with the pain.