Gotta get rid of that Stinking Thinking!!

My goodness! If there is one thing I can do well it is definitely go on a self-pity trip. I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself all day, probably even longer than that.. maybe even for the past two weeks. Sheesh! I really caught myself today. "I want... I can't afford... I don't dare ask .... I wish I could but I can't....."  wow! What a mess this woman is! I feel bad for some of the people who heard it, but I also know that I said it to myself louder than I said to anyone else. At least today I heard it. I am more aware of it today. Maybe I can stop it. I need to be practicing that old Serenity Prayer... courage to change what I can and wisdom to know the difference.... yeah. I need to be doing that. Need a little courage and a little wisdom to help me through it. Marriage and money are not easy things. So I just need to suck it up and get through this. January is never easy on so many levels but it's only got 10 days left. Let's rock the rest of it out and move on!

Image by gumption via Flickr

Roller coaster week and my mother's not even in it

It's been a roller coaster of a week for me. I don't know if it's PMS, depression, or what. The week started with a real "bleha...." I don't like my job right now. Okay, who does? My husband HATES his job. So I guess he's got it worse than me. Then I went up to a nice "hey, I can take Thursday off and have fun!" And I did! I kept my daughter out of school and we went to a big park with lots to do, and met with friends old and new. I got to see an old high school classmate, and spent some time chatting with her, and then later a friend who I've known only online caught up with us, with her 2 kids. Her daughter and my daughter really hit it off, and became instant friends. So that was great too. Then we came back to reality, tired and hot from the sun. Met up with my husband who told us he'd been sick that day and taken himself to the doctor's office but not told anybody (like his boss!). This is the same old thing as before. I'm tired and frustrated, and not at my best to begin with. So I came crashing down from my high to his level. I tried to perk up by going out last night anyway, but I was just too tired and drained, so I turned around and came back home after giving my apologies to the people I was supposed to meet up with.

I need to find a way to apply the 12 steps to my marriage I guess, or find a way to get counseling. I'm not sure how I could fit counseling into my schedule. Having only one car means I can't even get to Al-Anon meetings now. My husband is not an alcoholic or addict, but he seems to have some kind of mental illness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just normal to hate your job, get stressed out about it, and be the way he is. He's not hurting us, he's not abandoning us, he's just a stress case. Detach is what comes to my mind immediately, but I don't want to abandon him. I just don't have the answers. And I have to think of our daughter too, which I do think about constantly. I really don't think I can put this stuff off for a year, until we have 2 cars either. I just don't know how to "fix everything".

My high school classmate and I touched on corners of things, but didn't dig deep. We are both adult children of alcoholics. We weren't close in high school but it was fun to see each other. Still, even touching on things a little bit reminds me that sometimes those old wounds can bleed easily. They are old though, and I need to leave them buried. I need to live in the present because the past will get me no where.

So I am trying to turn things over to my higher power because God knows I need some help. I cannot do this alone. Step 1.

trying to turn this over still

Yes I've been off for a few days. The kid was sick, but was well enough to go to school. On Wednesday though, the antibiotics caused her some stomach discomfort and she got sent home from school. We had a nice day at home yesterday though, and she wasn't really feeling sick. Whatever demons were in her body had already gotten out by morning.

So this post isn't about that. It's about this. I have several Al-Anon books which are often in my bookbag, but sometimes they are at the bedside table, or on a small table in our bedroom. The other day my husband found my "Courage to Change" book. He picked it up, said "What's this?" and laughed. I'm hurt. He has known that I have had Al-Anon in my life for years. I don't go to meetings right now but it's still with me. He knows I have trouble coping with my mother, etc etc etc.... I am hurt at his display of disrespect. I am not asking for huge amounts of support, but to be laughed at for simply reading the book.... I am not even sure if he knows about this blog or whether or not I should tell him. I am just hurt.

Last night at dinner he asked our daughter what he was getting for Father's Day. At first she just said "a present", and then he offered her money, and she confessed. She's 4 years old. I do not blame her one bit, but why? Why did he have to do that? He's a good man, but that was just another sign of disrespect to me.

In August we will celebrate our 7 years of marriage, but it seems like we are so very far apart. I just want to cry.



And that's all I've got this week. Sorry for not having more folks!

Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there, and all the moms who do the "dad" part themselves too.

Resentment rears its ugly head!

UGH! Why do I resent my husband sometimes? He's got too much work to do, doesn't get enough sleep, has health issues, problems with his life... and yet... he gets paid more than I do, makes his life look so easy, rarely complains, and is so awesome in so many ways. He's a gifted teacher, a wonderful father, a valued employee (I am not a VALUED employee where we work), and so much more... he's a wonderful husband.

A gap has formed in-between us. I think it started when I was pregnant, and it has grown. Our daughter is 4 now, and we finally got her sleeping in her own room, out of our bed. Yet one of us is still spending a portion of the night sleeping on the floor. So there is this gap. He stays up later than I do, he gets up earlier than I do, he is smarter than I am, has more in-person friends than I do.... this gap.

Yesterday I met him after work, like always since we carpool, and I just unleashed on him a tirade out of nowhere about how he doesn't spend enough time with his kid, and the yard is a mess, and on and on... and while some of it was true, he certainly didn't deserve it. After I'd spewed and run out of words I wanted to apologize. It's not the first time though, and maybe it won't be the last. I am terribly abusive sometimes, and I don't know why. So after the kid went to bed, and I had some time alone (he was in her room), I opened up my Al-Anon books and I read about a few things, and RESENTMENT seemed to be the sticking point. I don't know why I resent him so much, but I think I do. It's not his fault that he has such a perfect life and I feel so torn apart. His life really isn't perfect either, I know. It's just me perceiving things. UGH.

So I am trying, trying, trying to turn this over to my higher power, and figure out how to get out of this bad place. How to stop resenting my husband, who I love so dearly, and how to bridge the gap between us. The trust is still there, at least I trust him. I hope he trusts me. Communication is tough though. For some reason, it's hard for me to talk to him sometimes. I don't know why. Yesterday I wanted to throw out some ideas for a trip to Maine, but instead I unleashed on him about everything else. Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to turn it over. I know I'm powerless, but I need to change what I can and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. How can I be a better wife before I lose him completely.

Expectations

Once upon a time, in a lifetime or two or three ago... once long ago, I had an acquaintance, a friend of a friend... this acquaintance was quite smart, but also dull. A monotone voice that could remember and quote from a great number of sources, but this acquaintance just seemed "flat". I guess that's the best way to describe him. Our mutual friend told me once in hushed tones that the flatness was because of a certain prescription that the acquaintance was taking.

Flash forward to now, many lifetimes and many years later. My husband has just been given a prescription for that certain prescription. When he gave me the news, while I was driving, I listened and outwardly gave no sign of fear. Inwardly though I am cringing, and I know that's wrong. I have a fear, an expectation, that he is going to have the same reaction to this prescription. I am worried that he too will be "flat" and boring. I know that my fears are irrational though, and I am doing my best to let them go. I have to Let Go and Let God guide us through this journey, and just because I knew someone, not closely, long, long ago who might have possibly had this reaction to this medication does not mean my husband will too. I know this. I do, I really do.

It's a medication with some stigma attached to it so there is also some secrecy involved, some shame, but we don't call it that, do we? No. I say I am being discreet and respectful of his privacy. It's up to him to tell who he wants to tell, and not my news to share. So when someone asks I say "Everything is fine. He's doing well, and losing weight." That is true. It's not the whole truth, but it is true as far as I've said it and it is all that anyone needs to know unless he volunteers to tell them more.

It's been a rough week. I think my daughter and I are both looking forward to some "down time" this weekend. We will probably get it too. A quiet weekend ahead of us, and then the next weekend will be busy. Or so I expect.  :-)

Expectations and Letting Go and Letting HP and trust

I know, I've posted on this before but really I just have to keep practicing it all the time. Yesterday my husband had the day off. He promised to clean the living room. It was filled with the kid's toys and his stuff. I've heard this promise before and been disappointed by the results. I tried not to have any expectations. It was his day, and he should be allowed to do what he wanted to do. And I know how overwhelming cleaning can be, especially when it's not your stuff. Still, I had expectations. I had LOW expectations. When he called me around 3pm to say he was tired and asked me to get take-out for dinner, I gently told him that no, I wasn't getting take-out. We'll be eating out enough over the next few days as it is. Then he told me he threw out a certain toy. My first reaction to him was "Oh no! Not THAT!" but then I calmed down, and I said "this is your project, and I trust you." Really, I need to treat him with respect and as an adult. He deserves that. It's hard to let go and let someone else do it, and trust. Let go and Let HP do it. I'm at work, I don't want to micromanage the project, and I'd probably throw some toys out too if I was doing it. I should be glad it's not me doing the cleaning. Really!

When I got home 3 hours later, with our daughter, I was very surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking in the oven. Then I went into the living room and it was clean. I mean really clean. He had vacuumed the floor, and there was space for the 3 of us to sit down, and you could actually walk around the kid's table that was in the middle of the room. It was awesome. I was so happy.

Dinner was very yummy, the living room was clean, we were all relaxed, and my daughter got to play with toys that she hadn't seen in months. It was nice to want to be home.

I had actually thought about going to my mom's apartment. I never called my mom to tell her that, but it was on my mind from 5pm-6pm. I know I'll be busy for the next week with my father-in-law coming to town and other activities so I thought I should go see her and get it off her list or something. I didn't go though. I enjoyed the evening at home. I thought of it as my reward for letting go, letting my higher power be in control, and trusting my loved one.

between sanity and insanity

This is a rough time for me. Yesterday I saw my grandmother, and all of that. Last night after we got the kid to bed, my husband told me he wasn't feeling well and was going to the doctor (at 9:30pm he was going to Urgent Care clinic). So off he went, with our only car. A while later he called me back and said he was being sent to a real hospital in an ambulance. I was POWERLESS. I was home, with a child, and no way to get to the hospital. Our car was at the doctor's office. So I asked his permission to call a friend of his. I couldn't quite let go, not yet.

His friend showed up at my door a while later, and I had to choose between panic & insanity and sanity and detachment. I hated to do it, but I choose the later one. My husband is not an addict, and I didn't really want to detach, but my gut told me that it would be a waste of my energy to wake a sleeping child, install a car seat in the dark, and go out. So I stayed home and sent the friend instead. Hours later, more phone calls, and the verdict that the hospital could find nothing wrong. So I finally went to bed. I woke as soon as my husband came home, at 2am. He's fine. I don't think this is the last time that this scenario will play out in my house though. It's certainly not the first time he has run off to the doctor's office late at night. So I have choices to make. I want to be compassionate, and I really do care, but having lived with an alcoholic who was always "dying" from one crisis to the next, I don't want to live that way in my marriage, and I don't want to raise my daughter on that roller coaster ride either.

I'm GRATEFUL that it was nothing serious. I think I handled the situation in a good way. I sent a friend, who was not burdened with a sleepy preschooler, to be by his side. The same friend who was at his side when other crisis's have occurred. I need help with coping with this in the future though. It's tough territory for me.