the day before Halloween

Today I'm grateful that work is slow because I don't really feel like being here. A lot of people are out, and that's good too. Nice and quiet. Leaving me to work slowly and listen to all the little voices in my head.

I'm grateful that I decided to listen to myself and dye my hair for the day in the spirit of Halloween. Not everyone thinks it's cute or cool or whatever, but I don't care. I'm having fun with it. Some people aren't sure if I am trying a new look or if I did it for the holiday. I enjoyed going to the small social gathering this afternoon to see the coworkers who really did get into costume for the event. Bah Humbug! to all the others who missed the party.

I'm not so grateful that the Halloween card that my mother sent to my daughter had a message that said "I hope I get to see you on Halloween".... remember we have not seen my mother since my grandmother's funeral. I do not appreciate her playing that game with my 3 year old child. If she wants to play a guilt trip on me (and she did on the phone Wednesday night), that's one thing, but leave my child out of it. That's just wrong to use her that way.

I'm worried. I'm worried that my husband is going to be a "stick in the mud" and a "spoil sport" and not "get into the fun" this weekend. I have found a few fun things to do for Halloween and I'm hoping that we can enjoy them as a family. I'm worried that my husband won't. We went out for dinner last night, and he wasn't in the mood for that, and you could have cut the air at our table with a knife he was sulking so badly. He was angry that we went to a restaurant instead of going home.

Plans are finally confirmed that we'll be having dinner with my dad on Sunday night, Chinese food, we'll celebrate his birthday.

My mother-in-law's birthday is on Monday. It was DH's job to send the card, and I don't think he did. He told me not to put it on my list though. Let Go and Let HP I guess.

That's all I've got for now. Happy Halloween everybody! Cross your fingers for me in dealing with both my parents this weekend.

I need some detachment

I called my mom back last night while my husband gave my daughter a bath. I should have been doing the dishes, but I figured the dishes could wait. My mom updated me that she has been talking to a friend of mine, who is sometimes helpful and sometimes not. She also told me that she has been babysitting my brother's son and (ex)step-children. She promised she'd be home on Saturday, Halloween, just in case any grandchildren stopped by for trick or treating. She got lots of candy.

So a combination of guilt and bribery on her part I guess. I'm not even sure if we'll be able to get my daughter to put her Halloween costume on since I think she has changed her mind about being a princess. We also have decided where we want to go trick or treating, or when etc.

I think we've settled that we'll be having dinner with my dad on Sunday night, without my mother of course, but I'm still waiting to get a time and place confirmed.

I also got some disappointing news on my job today. I really wanted to quit my job, but I held on, bit my lips, grinded my teeth, and made it through the day. Walking out and quitting would have been selfish of me, kind of like suicide. So I held on. Not an easy thing to do, and I'm still bitter.

So now I need to Let Go and Let God again. Really, I am still waiting on my job stuff. The Governor announced today that he is expecting layoffs and furloughs and if I don't get either of those, then I should consider myself lucky. As far as my mom goes, that will be in the hands of my daughter I think. I can't force a preschooler to do much of anything these days so I will just have to wait and see what happens. I'm powerless and I just have to Let Go and Let God.

I had hoped to be in a better place today, I had hoped... but that gets me no where. It is what it is. Right now it's almost 5pm and time to go.

the good and the bad

Of course my mother called yesterday, while I was at work. Some drama about her surgery being canceled, and please call her when I'm calm and have time.... so last night wasn't the night to call her because I didn't have time. Personally I never put her surgery on my calendar anyway because I didn't think it would happen. Her medical appointments are drama after drama after drama. I do my best not to listen, not to get sucked in, because most of it is just bulls--- and lies. Or maybe false hopes? The toxin of an addict.

It's still hanging over my head that I need to call her back. I don't know if it will happen tonight.

I am grateful that I got to my union meeting today. It wasn't a great meeting or anything, but it felt good to be in a room with adults, talking, and having a conversation about things that matter to some people, even if I don't always agree. They are looking for volunteers to do service. When I heard this, a voice in my head said "Maybe", but I'm pretty sure our department is already over represented. I also thought "I'd rather be doing service in Al-Anon". I know there are hour long meetings on campus twice/week, but my lunch is only half-hour long. Not sure how I could make it work.

Still on pause or whatever but trying...

I'm still feeling uninspired, have a headache, not feeling great. Tonight will be busy. Going to take the kid to the library if she lets me, or go by myself is she doesn't. Husband is going to a meeting at the local town hall for some neighborhood issues so I'll have our daughter to myself for a while. She's been rejecting me lately, blaming me for not letting her go shopping or something. And yet she'll let me read her a story and snuggle with her at night.

Live and Let Live, right? I can't force her to be kind to me. I just have to accept whatever kindness I get. I'm also inwardly battling with my mother. I am still, will always be, angry with how she didn't allow my brother to come to my grandmother's funeral. I'm not sure how to get past that. A part of me wants to have a relationship with her, and a part of me says I'm better off without her. She's so toxic, and I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to take the poison. So I'm drained, again, for another day.

Grateful that a coworker gave me free calendars with pretty pictures of animals. I can share these with my daughter, and if she doesn't want them I can gift them to her preschool teachers.

Grateful for a memory of a minister saying in a sermon once "Find something every day, no matter how small, to look forward to. It might be eating a banana or brushing your teeth, but find it, and hang on to it to get yourself through the day."  I know he was talking to me that day, it was a small congregation. I need to remember those words more often, and cling to them.

I'm tired

I'm tired today on so many levels. I did a 2.5 mile walk yesterday, which wouldn't have been so bad except that I was pulling a wagon the whole way. It was nice to have a beautiful fall day to be outside, especially after the rain on Friday and Saturday, but I'm tired. I'm tired of work hassles. I'm tired of being the mother of a 3 1/2 year old. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to juggle my parents- my father who is avoiding me, and my mother who I am trying to avoid. I'm just done today. My husband understands this I think. He is done too. We'd both love some retail therapy and a short vacation from being parents, but it's not going to happen.

I need to find a way to recharge, to be a better daughter, better mother, better worker, better mother, and better friend. I'm too tired to find the cure though. I'm just that done.

Prayer Answered!

I've been very worried about H1N1 since I have a daughter in preschool, and I work on a college campus. However we got a phone call from the pediatrician last night saying they have a FEW vaccines available and my daughter will get one. I'm hoping my husband will be able to get one too since he is high risk. Due to the shortage of vaccines I don't expect that there will be enough for me. However I am grateful for my daughter getting one. That is a huge weight off my mind, and that is my gratitude for the day.

No, I'm not looking forward to the administration of the shot itself this afternoon of course, but I will be glad when it's done.

What to do? What to do?

Halloween is next week, and it's only a month until Thanksgiving. I'm dreading Thanksgiving this year worse than ever. I am so conflicted about my mother. Part of me says avoid her, she's trouble, and part of me feels like I should be the Good Daughter and take her out to eat. My husband won't let her have dinner at our house. He doesn't have to be nice about it. He just said our kitchen is too small, we're not hosting anyone. So.. do I invite her out with us? Or do we stay home, just us, and not see her or my dad?

My dad usually sees his mom first and then comes to see us, but he said he might not do that this year because it's too much trouble. So I'm guessing he'll make other plans. I am hoping to see him for his birthday between now and then though since it's only about 10 days away.

So I'm stuck. I'd hate for my mom to be alone and lonely on the holiday, but I don't want to spoil the holiday for my husband either. What to do? What to do? I'm hoping an answer will come to me soon.

Wandering today, and grateful for the memories

Scott said on his blog  (Attitude of Gratitude)  that he was grateful because "sometimes life is so different that I do not recognize it as mine."

I think about this often. Ten years ago I could never have imagined my life being what it is today. Even 8 years ago I never would have imagined my life this way, and it's good. In 2002 I made a huge change in my life. When my boyfriend and I had broken up AGAIN, I stopped, froze, and said "no more". He begged, he pleaded, I went out and wrecked my car and worse... it was the worst break-up of my life, but I stuck to it. Then I prayed, meditated, and dreamed out loud about what I wanted in life, and I gave it all up to my higher power, and maybe, just maybe someone listened.  Between April and July that year I ended a relationship, and a job, got arrested, dated a "rebound" guy, and then began the relationship that I knew would work. I changed my life with the help of my higher power.

I kick myself hard almost every day for getting arrested and for the difficulties I had in kicking that bad relationship out the door, but I also hug myself hard too for marrying the right man and getting my life on track.

"There but for the grace of God go I." I say this when I see someone who is homeless or having a hard time because I know that it could be me. I've been down before, and my life could be a lot worse if I hadn't turned things over to my higher power and gotten a lift up to where I am today.

Amen.

Keep It Simple Stupid - KISS

I'm short on time today because I overcommitted to something for tonight. I need to remember to Keep It Simple Stupid or I am going to end up over my head!

So KISS is my slogan for today.

Top moments of my life

Syd posted a top 10. Good to be reminded of the highlights in life, isn't it? I'm going to do this kind of on the fly, and they probably won't be in order.

1. Marrying my husband, my true love
2. Bringing my daughter home was probably better than her birth.

3. The day I met my husband on the bus, sat with him on a bench for a few hours and told him my true feelings for him. My whole life changed that day.
4. Birth of my daughter. It was bitter-sweet since there were complications, but still happy.

Other great memories and times--
5. Seeing a play on stage, any play. I have a love for the theater that doesn't get to express itself much.
6. Live concerts. I'm trying to think of one that was better than others, but like theater, I love live music and rarely get to indulge in it. Open Mic nights can be great especially since the venues are small and intimate.
7. Swimming in a river, by myself, naked, in the warm afternoon sun.
8. Skinny-dipping at night.
9. Times spent with my grandparents as a child. I didn't realize it then, but those were special times.
10. Spending my 21st birthday with my dad.
11. Driving to Florida by myself. I was helping my mom to move, and in the process escaping from a very controlling boyfriend for a few days. I spent the trip listening to some great liberating music in the car, and really felt free for a while.

It's nice to think back on these happy times and have an attitude of gratitude on an otherwise chilly, boring, Monday at work. Thanks Syd for the motivation.

Self-pity

I was feeling some self-pity this weekend. It's amazing how I think I'm doing okay, and then BAM! I'm just in the clutches of that awful feeling, feeling sorry for myself, and sitting in the car crying while my husband drives down the road. It's my own fault too. I set myself up in this situation where we made choices, choices that I like, that result in us having a nice quiet house away from town and the kid gets to go to a decent preschool (not the cheapest and not the most expensive either). I have a job I like, but it doesn't pay great. In the end though, we have decided to live on only 1 car until we're done with preschool. We had hoped to spring for 2 cars this year, but when the Accord needed to be traded in, we knew we would have to keep living on 1 for a while longer. We just can't afford 2 car payments while we are paying for preschool. What this all means together is that I have no social life. Seriously, none. The only time I left the house this weekend was to go grocery shopping, and we all went together.

So why was I crying? Because I had heard that some friends were having an open house at their association thing, and I was hoping that my husband would want to go and join it. In the end, he wasn't interested in doing it. Since the association is men-only I think, it was crucial that my husband want to do this, without him, there was no point in us going. So I was hoping he'd want to go because I wanted to socialize. Stupid of me. The association membership would have required time and energy and interest from him. I just wanted to see some friends, maybe. So I was bummed when he decided he didn't want to join the association or go to the open house. That left us with a trip to the orange store, where I sat in the car with the kid, and the grocery store. Yahoo! :-(

I miss having a social life. I see my friends online, but never in-person, and I don't really have the opportunity to meet new people. I go to work 5 days/week, I pick up the kid from preschool, and I spend time with my husband. That's about it. I'm lonely. Even before marriage though I was prone to put my head in a book, or play on the computer rather than go out. I've never been very good at the social game, so it's not my husband's fault that I'm in this place in my head. I have no right or reason to feel sorry for myself. My life is the result of my choices, and I know that rationally. Still, sometimes it sucks.

Then I saw Christina's blog. I didn't even need to watch the video. I know life could be worse. Life with no limbs, no thanks. Timely reminder considering I was already planning today's post.

Rough day today but grateful anyway

This morning my kid wasn't feeling well and I hated pushing her to go to school. Once she saw the snow though she was eager to get ready and go. At work things have been up and down all day. Around 3:30pm the power went out at my desk, and it probably won't come back on before I leave.

I'm GRATEFUL that today of all days I brought my laptop with me so that I am able to connect to the internet at least. I called my husband and asked him how to hook up the wire since the one I was trying wasn't working. Wireless should also have been an option but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway I'm grateful for being able to post this, although maybe I should be reading a book instead. I am grateful I have a husband who was able to help me with this too.

It has been cold this week, but there is beauty. I saw a couple of photographers taking pictures on my morning commutes, and last night I saw a fox run away on my way home. There is beauty where I live and I am grateful for that.

I am grateful that the balloon boy story was just a hoax. It's nice to be wrong sometimes, and I'm glad that it was a case of whacked, publicity seeking parents and not a real case of a dead kid.

Now the power is back on so I should wrap this up. Have a good weekend all!

Boundaries again

I managed to carve out 10 minutes to call my mom last night. I thanked her for the apple orchard idea and told her of our adventures with my father-in-law. She started in the "I haven't seen you in so long" stuff, and I told her the truth, well some of it anyway. I told her that after being long distance for 7 years she shouldn't just expect us to suddenly be close. We have lives, we have things to do, and yeah, I'm tired. I've been busy for the past week, haven't done grocery shopping yet, etc. I'm not ready to run over to her apartment. She said something about having Abby come over and make cookies or something. I pleaded to her to not push because I'd give her a negative answer in my current mood.

The thing is.. she's never going to "get it". She's never going to understand that even if she isn't smoking, there is enough smoke smell in her apartment to trigger an asthma attack for me and for my kid. I don't feel like bringing my daughter over there. It's not healthy for her. My kid is on enough meds as it is for asthma and allergy problems, I'm not going to purposely bring her into that apartment just to visit. I did it a couple of times when my mom first moved up here in July, but it was summer, we could have windows and doors open. Now it's cold out. It's not an option anymore. My mom has mobility issues so going somewhere like we did with my father-in-law really isn't an option for her either. I feel badly for my mom. She's up here, she's lonely, she's trying to be part of our lives, and I've got good reasons to reject her. Trying to find a way for her to have a relationship with us is very tricky. My husband wants nothing to do with her, and I don't blame him. I don't think I should force him to either. I'm not sure what to do about my daughter. On the one hand, she has a right to get to know her maternal grandmother, on the other hand her grandmother is sick on so many levels.

What to do? What to do? I keep giving it up in prayer and meditation to my higher power, but I'm not getting answers very quickly. Sigh.

Meanwhile there is a missing 6 year old in Colorado somewhere. Guess my life could be worse. Perspective.

Boundaries and love

I guess I'm struggling right now. I want to say some nice things to my mom but I'm also trying to maintain some boundaries. I'd like to thank her for her suggestion of visiting a certain apple orchard. We went where she recommended, and we had fun. I'd like to tell her that I saw a friend of hers while we were out too. However, if I call her on the phone I know I'm going to have to listen to more of her drama. I know that I'll get a guilt trip for not seeing her for the past month, and I'll get questioned about when I will get over there. And honestly, I'm still mad, probably will always be mad at her for the trouble she caused when my grandmother died. I pass my mother's apartment on weekends, but we do not stop. I thought about writing her a letter, but that's kind of odd, isn't it? She lives so close now. A free phone call would take 20 minutes of my time probably, but I just don't want to deal. Let's be clear... I don't want to listen. I just want to tell my side of the story and not listen to her side of things. Letters are great for that, but not phone calls. I'd like to express my gratitude to her, but it's so hard to do because I know her disease will get in the way. Another blogger mentioned that you should tell your loved ones all the time that you love them because you never know what will happen when you walk out the door. I believe that too. My husband and my daughter and I are always very good about sharing our love, but it's harder with my mom. As the holidays get closer this issue with boundaries is going to be harder and harder to deal with. So today I'm feeling stuck.

Easy Does it!

I'm not really in the mood to blog today. I'm more in the mood to listen. I would rather read, absorb, and take things in than put things out there. That's okay. Today "Easy Does it!" can be my motto.

We've had a busy 3 day weekend and we have a busy afternoon ahead of us too. My daughter is busy in school today, and we've all had a lot of catching up to do with the "real world". I'm okay with that though. Grocery shopping can wait, bills can wait (until later anyway), and things will get done.

This weekend I tried not to push too much. I set realistic schedules and when we were late, I accepted it and made my apologies. It's hard to keep a 3 year old on schedule on the weekend. I did my best to listen to the needs and desires of my family and those around us.

Easy does it!

First Things First

"First Things First" is a slogan that reminds me to take things one step at a time. Not just one day at a time, but to live in the moment, and slow down. It's easy to get ahead of ourselves.

The little voice in my head is saying "It's 4pm and after work I'm going to pick up the kid, and meet someone, and go out to dinner, and tomorrow we're going to do this and that, and the weather is going to be...." Whoooooa!

Right now I'm going to post this blog and drink some coffee. I still have an hour left of work and some work to do. Period. Right now my husband is probably resolving some last minute work crisis before our 3 day weekend begins. Right now my daughter is saying goodbye to a beloved teacher who is leaving her job after today to begin a new chapter in her life. Right now I am here.

First things First. Slow down. Take things one step at a time. It is way too easy to go too fast. A simple thing like "Get the kid ready for bed and get her to sleep" is really many steps, and I have to slow down. What if she's not ready to be done playing with her toys when the clock says she needs to brush her teeth? I can't just assume that I'm going to have my finger on the remote watching a baseball game at 9:30pm. I need to get there first.

So if I am going to enjoy the holiday weekend, I need to remember to slow down. Not everyone is listening to the same little voices in their head that I hear, and if they are, they are probably hearing different things. I need to think about what really matters, and cut out the stuff that doesn't. Do I really need to check my email on Monday morning and log into Facebook? Or is spending time with a loved one more important? Before I have dinner, I have to get to the restaurant safely first. I need to pay attention, live in the present, and enjoy the journey.

Happy weekend all. I probably won't post again until Tuesday.

Expectations and Letting Go and Letting HP and trust

I know, I've posted on this before but really I just have to keep practicing it all the time. Yesterday my husband had the day off. He promised to clean the living room. It was filled with the kid's toys and his stuff. I've heard this promise before and been disappointed by the results. I tried not to have any expectations. It was his day, and he should be allowed to do what he wanted to do. And I know how overwhelming cleaning can be, especially when it's not your stuff. Still, I had expectations. I had LOW expectations. When he called me around 3pm to say he was tired and asked me to get take-out for dinner, I gently told him that no, I wasn't getting take-out. We'll be eating out enough over the next few days as it is. Then he told me he threw out a certain toy. My first reaction to him was "Oh no! Not THAT!" but then I calmed down, and I said "this is your project, and I trust you." Really, I need to treat him with respect and as an adult. He deserves that. It's hard to let go and let someone else do it, and trust. Let go and Let HP do it. I'm at work, I don't want to micromanage the project, and I'd probably throw some toys out too if I was doing it. I should be glad it's not me doing the cleaning. Really!

When I got home 3 hours later, with our daughter, I was very surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking in the oven. Then I went into the living room and it was clean. I mean really clean. He had vacuumed the floor, and there was space for the 3 of us to sit down, and you could actually walk around the kid's table that was in the middle of the room. It was awesome. I was so happy.

Dinner was very yummy, the living room was clean, we were all relaxed, and my daughter got to play with toys that she hadn't seen in months. It was nice to want to be home.

I had actually thought about going to my mom's apartment. I never called my mom to tell her that, but it was on my mind from 5pm-6pm. I know I'll be busy for the next week with my father-in-law coming to town and other activities so I thought I should go see her and get it off her list or something. I didn't go though. I enjoyed the evening at home. I thought of it as my reward for letting go, letting my higher power be in control, and trusting my loved one.

Fear

Fear is probably one reason why a lot of people come to Alanon and Alateen. I know it's why I came so many years ago. I was afraid that my mother was going to die with me hating her. I didn't want that to happen. Now here we are several years later, and she's not dead yet. I'm still learning from Alanon though. I was going to post something profound about Fear and what it means to me and my recovery and how it can get in the way of being a healthy person. I did a little searching on the internet though, and went in another direction. I wish I had the guts to do Alateen when I was a teen. It probably would have helped me a lot. At the time though I remember thinking that group therapy of any kind was a waste of time. MY life was unique, and no one else would understand. Alateen, group therapy, etc.. none of that was going to touch me. I tried Alanon a little when I was in college, but it wasn't until I was 28 or 29 when I finally really GOT it.

In the process of my searching, I came across a lot of websites that listed the questions that sort of help people decide if Alanon or Alateen is for them. One of them was the Northwest Indiana website.
http://www.lakenetnwi.net/member/alanon/questions.htm

There are a lot of questions there, and it's sad how many of them ring true for me, even today. As an adult child of an alcoholic I am still plagued by some of the same things that I was bothered by when I was younger.

On the subject of fear though. Here's one that caught my attention:

9.      Are you afraid to speak up for fear the drinking or fighting with start again?

Um.. yeah. Isn't it odd that it's been almost a month since I've seen my mother. I've been sort of dancing around this whole thing of being mad at her, but not wanting a confrontation. I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to be the one who says the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger something, I don't even know what, that sends her off the deep end in some way.

Alanon helps, but I'll never be cured completely. I'm still living in fear, even today. 

Making choices - attitude of gratitude or comparing myself with others

Every day I have choices to make. As I posted yesterday I can be grumpy when my daughter wakes me up or I can be compassionate.

Today's choice- Focus on the positive with an Attitude of Gratitude or focus on the negative and compare myself with others. The choice is obvious what I SHOULD do, but it's not always easy. Sometimes misery loves company, and people like good gossip.

I work with a coworker who has a lot of issues in her life. The rest of us suspect drug addiction to prescriptions as being one of those issues. Yesterday she was allowed to sleep on the job, again. I'm still bitter about this. I have a right to be bitter I think, however I can't change anything and it doesn't help my life to obsess about it.

On the flip side, I saw two wonderful things in nature yesterday. In the morning, we saw a deer cross the road in front of our car. My daughter didn't get a great look because she was in the back seat, but she did see it. Then around 6pm we saw a rainbow. We went to Trader Joe's to get a few things, and as we got out of the car we saw this beautiful rainbow that went right over the store. Amazing. By the time we got done shopping, it was gone. We were all a little awed by its presence, and I felt that my day had begun and ended on happy notes with nature. This is what I need to focus on. These are gifts from my Higher Power, and worth living for.

This is from Pink Sherbet on Flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/3090253282/

It's a 24/7 thing!

Some people go to church for an hour on Sunday, call themselves "Christian" and then act in ways that are very unChristian the rest of the week. I remember calling my father out on this once when I was a kid. Sunday morning was church and Sunday school, and Sunday afternoon he was swearing. I knew that wasn't right. Swearing is kind of minor though, right? And he probably had a reason for it.

Many, many years ago I used to date a guy who I ended up working with. We both worked in human services, and once we took our client on vacation. We were working 24/7 for a week, even if we weren't always technically getting paid, we were still on the job. Once I caught my boyfriend early in the morning in a cranky mood. I was shocked. I didn't realize that he had an "on/off switch" regarding our client. I thought his upbeat personality was natural and easy. I didn't realize he was faking it for the job. I learned that week though. It was tough on both of us to be "on" 24/7, but we made it.

But where I'm going with this is that Al-Anon isn't just for when I am at the meeting, or when I'm reading the book, or when I'm interacting with the alcoholics and addicts in my life. It's 24/7. I need to always be practicing my program, and that means at 4am or 5am or 6am, when my 3 year old wakes me up, I need to use my program.

I didn't use profanity, but I wasn't at all compassionate for the kid either. Apologies won't help. She's not going to understand that even though mommy is a light sleeper anyway, trying to be reasonable with me at that hour is nearly impossible. She's only 3. She doesn't need to understand or have compassion for me. It's my job to understand and have compassion for her. I'm the parent, she's the kid, that's the way it is. Next time I'll try to do better. Nobody's perfect, and excuses and apologies can't undo the hurt from my words. When I'm awake at those hours I do not want to be bothered, period, but she's a kid. She's not an adult, she's got a free pass to ignore those boundaries of mine. She woke up, she needed a parent, and I should have been nicer. Next time I hope I am.

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Yesterday I didn't post. I could list a few reasons why. I was too busy, I had my flu shot, I was tired. etc etc. etc... but doing the 10th step reminds me to be honest with myself. When I do a personal inventory I see the real reason why I didn't post. I was lazy. Let me change that. I AM lazy sometimes. I can be very motivated to get projects done etc, and I frequently have "a list" that drives my husband crazy, but sometimes I am just lazy. I'm behind on paying bills, not because my grandmother died, but because I'm lazy. My house is a mess, not because my husband and my daughter are slobs, but because I'm lazy. I didn't post yesterday because I'm lazy. And that's the truth.

Now I have to contact the various companies we owe money to for things like electricity and heating oil and tv service and make sure that they don't stop providing those things. I actually already called the heating oil people and I said "I'm sorry, I forgot to pay, but I'm sending you a check right now for what I missed last month and what I owe for October even though I haven't gotten the October bill yet." They were okay with that. I didn't lie, I didn't try to cover up. I just admitted that I didn't pay the bill and was trying to make amends.

I'm not perfect though. I also had some paperwork for my husband's ambulance ride. I told him that I'd take care of it, and I didn't. I found the form today and left it on his desk. I didn't know he would be on break when I got there. He called me and said "I thought you took care of this already." I admitted that I hadn't, and I didn't want to. I wanted him to do it, and he will because I'm not giving him much of a choice, but it was irresponsible of me to take on something, not do it, and then give it back to him. I'll apologize to him when I see him at 5pm.