Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still on pause or whatever but trying...

I'm still feeling uninspired, have a headache, not feeling great. Tonight will be busy. Going to take the kid to the library if she lets me, or go by myself is she doesn't. Husband is going to a meeting at the local town hall for some neighborhood issues so I'll have our daughter to myself for a while. She's been rejecting me lately, blaming me for not letting her go shopping or something. And yet she'll let me read her a story and snuggle with her at night.

Live and Let Live, right? I can't force her to be kind to me. I just have to accept whatever kindness I get. I'm also inwardly battling with my mother. I am still, will always be, angry with how she didn't allow my brother to come to my grandmother's funeral. I'm not sure how to get past that. A part of me wants to have a relationship with her, and a part of me says I'm better off without her. She's so toxic, and I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to take the poison. So I'm drained, again, for another day.

Grateful that a coworker gave me free calendars with pretty pictures of animals. I can share these with my daughter, and if she doesn't want them I can gift them to her preschool teachers.

Grateful for a memory of a minister saying in a sermon once "Find something every day, no matter how small, to look forward to. It might be eating a banana or brushing your teeth, but find it, and hang on to it to get yourself through the day."  I know he was talking to me that day, it was a small congregation. I need to remember those words more often, and cling to them.

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