the Monday after Halloween

Today I'm grateful for Scott's blog. I need a reminder sometimes to remember what I'm grateful for and reading his blog helps me do that.

I'm grateful that I remembered the slogan "Take what you like and leave the rest" today. I am feeling like I'm getting information overload on Mondays sometimes. I have RSS feeds set up on at least 3 different email accounts and sometimes I get behind. Today I had over 1000 posts on libraries, writing, and books waiting for me. I ignored most of them. I don't need it today. Fortunately my RSS feeds for Al-Anon are caught up and easier to digest. I actually look forward to reading them and saved them for last.

In the "things never go as planned" department, we made some adjustments over the weekend. Friday night we went straight home since we were all tired from the day before. On Saturday my daughter said she was not interested in the Fairy Princess Garden or whatever that I thought would be so much fun. She wanted to find a pick-your-own-pumpkin patch instead. So we tried to do that. We searched for several hours, riding in the car, and couldn't find one. Maybe it was too late in the season. Oh well. She also said she did not want to see my mother, and we decided not to force her although I came pretty close.

We did have a great time trick or treating in a neighborhood that we hadn't gone to before, and my husband had a good time and none of us minded the rain. So hoorah for that! Coming home, overtired, hungry, wet.. that was another story, but overall we had fun!

Still in the "not as planned" department, Sunday didn't go as planned either. My daughter did not want to see her grandfather for dinner, and although I was very disappointed, my husband offered to stay home with her. This turned out to be a blessing. My paternal grandmother ended up in the hospital on Saturday so after having dinner with my dad and his girlfriend, the three of us went to the hospital to see her. I had not seen her since Christmas (mostly her choice). My dad was surprised that I had actually listened to him, and gotten him what he asked for for his birthday. Hmm.. kind of a back-handed compliment I guess.

My dad is a very loyal son. When we got the the hospital, he washed his hands, checked in with the nurses, looked at grandma's monitor (numbers were high), and then went in and gently woke her up and made her more comfortable. He did exactly the right things. He is a man who really knows how to LISTEN, and does it much more beautifully than I do. I wish I had his magic.

I feel sorry that he spent Halloween and his birthday at the hospital, and really didn't get to enjoy his special day. My grandmother will be fine, and will return to the nursing home today or tomorrow. I'm standing by my belief that she has a few more years in her and will live to be 100 or 101. I don't think my dad always believes me.

I am grateful that my husband was willing to let me go for so much of Sunday. Between seeing my dad and doing the grocery shopping, I wasn't home much on Sunday. I think my husband had a bigger dose of one-on-one time with our daughter than he ever has on a weekend. I was grateful for the time off, and grateful for his support.

For what it's worth, we didn't see my mom over the weekend, but I did try to see her Sunday when I was out grocery shopping. I stopped at her apartment on my way to and from the grocery store, but she wasn't home. I left her a small bag of candy in her mailbox. I hope she knows it was from me. If not, oh well. Let it go.

the day before Halloween

Today I'm grateful that work is slow because I don't really feel like being here. A lot of people are out, and that's good too. Nice and quiet. Leaving me to work slowly and listen to all the little voices in my head.

I'm grateful that I decided to listen to myself and dye my hair for the day in the spirit of Halloween. Not everyone thinks it's cute or cool or whatever, but I don't care. I'm having fun with it. Some people aren't sure if I am trying a new look or if I did it for the holiday. I enjoyed going to the small social gathering this afternoon to see the coworkers who really did get into costume for the event. Bah Humbug! to all the others who missed the party.

I'm not so grateful that the Halloween card that my mother sent to my daughter had a message that said "I hope I get to see you on Halloween".... remember we have not seen my mother since my grandmother's funeral. I do not appreciate her playing that game with my 3 year old child. If she wants to play a guilt trip on me (and she did on the phone Wednesday night), that's one thing, but leave my child out of it. That's just wrong to use her that way.

I'm worried. I'm worried that my husband is going to be a "stick in the mud" and a "spoil sport" and not "get into the fun" this weekend. I have found a few fun things to do for Halloween and I'm hoping that we can enjoy them as a family. I'm worried that my husband won't. We went out for dinner last night, and he wasn't in the mood for that, and you could have cut the air at our table with a knife he was sulking so badly. He was angry that we went to a restaurant instead of going home.

Plans are finally confirmed that we'll be having dinner with my dad on Sunday night, Chinese food, we'll celebrate his birthday.

My mother-in-law's birthday is on Monday. It was DH's job to send the card, and I don't think he did. He told me not to put it on my list though. Let Go and Let HP I guess.

That's all I've got for now. Happy Halloween everybody! Cross your fingers for me in dealing with both my parents this weekend.

I need some detachment

I called my mom back last night while my husband gave my daughter a bath. I should have been doing the dishes, but I figured the dishes could wait. My mom updated me that she has been talking to a friend of mine, who is sometimes helpful and sometimes not. She also told me that she has been babysitting my brother's son and (ex)step-children. She promised she'd be home on Saturday, Halloween, just in case any grandchildren stopped by for trick or treating. She got lots of candy.

So a combination of guilt and bribery on her part I guess. I'm not even sure if we'll be able to get my daughter to put her Halloween costume on since I think she has changed her mind about being a princess. We also have decided where we want to go trick or treating, or when etc.

I think we've settled that we'll be having dinner with my dad on Sunday night, without my mother of course, but I'm still waiting to get a time and place confirmed.

I also got some disappointing news on my job today. I really wanted to quit my job, but I held on, bit my lips, grinded my teeth, and made it through the day. Walking out and quitting would have been selfish of me, kind of like suicide. So I held on. Not an easy thing to do, and I'm still bitter.

So now I need to Let Go and Let God again. Really, I am still waiting on my job stuff. The Governor announced today that he is expecting layoffs and furloughs and if I don't get either of those, then I should consider myself lucky. As far as my mom goes, that will be in the hands of my daughter I think. I can't force a preschooler to do much of anything these days so I will just have to wait and see what happens. I'm powerless and I just have to Let Go and Let God.

I had hoped to be in a better place today, I had hoped... but that gets me no where. It is what it is. Right now it's almost 5pm and time to go.