Gotta get rid of that Stinking Thinking!!

My goodness! If there is one thing I can do well it is definitely go on a self-pity trip. I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself all day, probably even longer than that.. maybe even for the past two weeks. Sheesh! I really caught myself today. "I want... I can't afford... I don't dare ask .... I wish I could but I can't....."  wow! What a mess this woman is! I feel bad for some of the people who heard it, but I also know that I said it to myself louder than I said to anyone else. At least today I heard it. I am more aware of it today. Maybe I can stop it. I need to be practicing that old Serenity Prayer... courage to change what I can and wisdom to know the difference.... yeah. I need to be doing that. Need a little courage and a little wisdom to help me through it. Marriage and money are not easy things. So I just need to suck it up and get through this. January is never easy on so many levels but it's only got 10 days left. Let's rock the rest of it out and move on!

Image by gumption via Flickr

Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more

Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.

Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...

oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.

Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.

Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.

At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.

So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this.  I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.

Self-pity

I was feeling some self-pity this weekend. It's amazing how I think I'm doing okay, and then BAM! I'm just in the clutches of that awful feeling, feeling sorry for myself, and sitting in the car crying while my husband drives down the road. It's my own fault too. I set myself up in this situation where we made choices, choices that I like, that result in us having a nice quiet house away from town and the kid gets to go to a decent preschool (not the cheapest and not the most expensive either). I have a job I like, but it doesn't pay great. In the end though, we have decided to live on only 1 car until we're done with preschool. We had hoped to spring for 2 cars this year, but when the Accord needed to be traded in, we knew we would have to keep living on 1 for a while longer. We just can't afford 2 car payments while we are paying for preschool. What this all means together is that I have no social life. Seriously, none. The only time I left the house this weekend was to go grocery shopping, and we all went together.

So why was I crying? Because I had heard that some friends were having an open house at their association thing, and I was hoping that my husband would want to go and join it. In the end, he wasn't interested in doing it. Since the association is men-only I think, it was crucial that my husband want to do this, without him, there was no point in us going. So I was hoping he'd want to go because I wanted to socialize. Stupid of me. The association membership would have required time and energy and interest from him. I just wanted to see some friends, maybe. So I was bummed when he decided he didn't want to join the association or go to the open house. That left us with a trip to the orange store, where I sat in the car with the kid, and the grocery store. Yahoo! :-(

I miss having a social life. I see my friends online, but never in-person, and I don't really have the opportunity to meet new people. I go to work 5 days/week, I pick up the kid from preschool, and I spend time with my husband. That's about it. I'm lonely. Even before marriage though I was prone to put my head in a book, or play on the computer rather than go out. I've never been very good at the social game, so it's not my husband's fault that I'm in this place in my head. I have no right or reason to feel sorry for myself. My life is the result of my choices, and I know that rationally. Still, sometimes it sucks.

Then I saw Christina's blog. I didn't even need to watch the video. I know life could be worse. Life with no limbs, no thanks. Timely reminder considering I was already planning today's post.