Fear

Fear is probably one reason why a lot of people come to Alanon and Alateen. I know it's why I came so many years ago. I was afraid that my mother was going to die with me hating her. I didn't want that to happen. Now here we are several years later, and she's not dead yet. I'm still learning from Alanon though. I was going to post something profound about Fear and what it means to me and my recovery and how it can get in the way of being a healthy person. I did a little searching on the internet though, and went in another direction. I wish I had the guts to do Alateen when I was a teen. It probably would have helped me a lot. At the time though I remember thinking that group therapy of any kind was a waste of time. MY life was unique, and no one else would understand. Alateen, group therapy, etc.. none of that was going to touch me. I tried Alanon a little when I was in college, but it wasn't until I was 28 or 29 when I finally really GOT it.

In the process of my searching, I came across a lot of websites that listed the questions that sort of help people decide if Alanon or Alateen is for them. One of them was the Northwest Indiana website.
http://www.lakenetnwi.net/member/alanon/questions.htm

There are a lot of questions there, and it's sad how many of them ring true for me, even today. As an adult child of an alcoholic I am still plagued by some of the same things that I was bothered by when I was younger.

On the subject of fear though. Here's one that caught my attention:

9.      Are you afraid to speak up for fear the drinking or fighting with start again?

Um.. yeah. Isn't it odd that it's been almost a month since I've seen my mother. I've been sort of dancing around this whole thing of being mad at her, but not wanting a confrontation. I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to be the one who says the wrong thing. I don't want to trigger something, I don't even know what, that sends her off the deep end in some way.

Alanon helps, but I'll never be cured completely. I'm still living in fear, even today.