Someone called me an "enabler" today and I'm still stinging from it. It's someone who I've never met face-to-face, but only know online. I don't think of myself as being an "enabler", but I think it can be a fine line between being a "supportive family member" and being an "enabler". I've never been an enabler with my mother. I've practiced a lot of tough love with her. With my husband though, I worry about that, and being accused is really throwing me into self-doubt. He's got some medical issues that he is working through with his doctor. I know it's his illness, his body (and mind), and he's an adult. He can work this through on his own, but I am trying to be there for support. Occasionally I go with him to the doctor's office, but not always. Yesterday I did and on Thursday I won't. Mostly I don't go, but if it's urgent I do go if I can.
I am also concerned about being a "toxic person". No one has actually called me that, but the fact that I've been called an "enabler" has made me wonder. Am I "toxic"? Am I the very kind of person that I don't think I am?? God I hope not. Would I know it if I was??
These are not good thoughts, and can be draining if I let them take over. I need to shut off those voices and live in the moment. I have work to do and a family who needs me, and a book to read if time permits. If someone else thinks I am something, then I need to let that be her problem, and not let it control ME.
Two things I learned in Alanon.
ReplyDelete1. What other people think of me is none of my business.
2. I can pretend my skin is made of teflon and let things just roll off. This visual helped me when my skin wasn't as thick as it is now. I was so sensitive when I came into these rooms and I took EVERYTHING seriously.
I can only share that when I have doubts..I talk to someone in the program I respect and trust, someone who walks the walk and has worked the steps. My husband has multiple medical issues and I have some boundaries and sometimes I help him. I take it a day at a time and no one can know what is right for us but us. I try to not do for him what he can do for himself but he has good days and bad days. I understand where you are coming from. It is a daily choice for me to balance between taking care of and care-taking.
::hugs;;
Namaste
My on-line self exists for minutes a day. I try to keep it real, but I doubt I succeed. So, I wonder how accurate any comments on my blog (or yours) can be.
ReplyDeleteFor a reality check, I look to my sponsor and my home group. I can do 'draining' thoughts with the best of them -- so I rely on them to help me shut off those voices.
It's hard to break a pattern of behavior that has existed for many years. It takes work. And yes, sometimes I enable too--if I choose to do so. But I can equally detach and take care of myself. Sometimes lending a helping hand isn't enabling but just being a friend.
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