Oops! I let February and March go by without posting after promising to get back on track. I'm sorry dear readers.
In January I posted that my mom spent New Years in the hospital, well she just spent Easter in the hospital as well. She fell down and broke a couple things and needed surgery on Easter morning. There was some question as to whether they would do the surgery because of her heart condition but they decided to go forward.
I want to get away from the details of her health though. Al-Anon teaches us to focus on ourselves, not on others. It scared me that she fell while in the process of trying to start her moped/scooter. She was trying to drive. I'm not sure she'll be driving anything again. I can certainly hope for that anyway. I'm still talking about mom, aren't I? Well I'm getting there.
One of my fears over my lifetime is that she would go to jail for her crimes. This current stint in the hospital is giving me hope that maybe that won't be the case. How much trouble can she get in if she loses her ability to drive? While it will pain her mentally, it gives me some peace of mind to see her confined somewhat.
I am struggling with guilt and obligation right now. Trying to weigh whether I should visit or not. Visiting isn't just a drive across town. It's a significant investment of time, money, and energy. Right now my thinking is that I will wait it out and maybe visit when she's back in her apartment again unless I need to go down sooner for a legal obligation or something. It's not that I lack compassion, I'm just not sure I can be of use.
I've said to my friends recently that my husband and I are entering that sandwich period in life where we are still raising a child and also being faced with our parents being more needy. What do they each need? How can we be there for them without being in the way? These are questions we are asking ourselves. How to be a parent to our parents without insulting our parents is not easy stuff. We're just starting to navigate those waters I think.
When a parent passes away the lines are clearly defined as to what needs doing, but when a parent is in "ill health" it can be a little tricky deciding when to drop everything to get to his/her side. We have another parent who is telling us not to visit but isn't well either. I think we are wanted, but the words we are hearing tell us otherwise. For us to go and visit would be disrespectful I think so we are holding off. If they lived somewhere that was convenient we might get away with saying we were in the neighborhood, but that isn't the case. I do hope we can see them this summer though, somehow. Again, negotiating all of that FOG and also being aware that our parents are getting older, and our time left together is getting smaller.
As the snow melts and school vacations approach I am full of worry and wonder about what the coming months will bring.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Monday, April 6, 2015
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Post #200 Visit to see mom is complete
On Thursday morning I put my daughter and I on an airplane and flew to Tampa, FL. We got a rental car and drove the 45 minutes to my mother's apartment building. She is living in an eight-story high-rise now. I can't even guess how many apartments are there.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Anyway we arrived in time for an early lunch, or brunch for us. Mom led us to a rundown strip mall to a "family" place that made me raise my eyebrows. Inside the owner was friendly, and breakfast was always on the menu. I was grateful for the coffee after the 3am wakeup for the trip. My daughter had brought her "sharing book" and caught grandma up on her life in the past year. It had been two years since we'd seen her so it was a good ice breaker.
After lunch we proceeded to a beach that was recommended. It was nice, on the Gulf of Mexico. I got my daughter changed into the bathing suit that I had packed in the carry-on luggage, and we had made sure my mother had clean beach towels waiting for us on arrival (I sent them as her birthday gift in March). I was too exhausted to swim, but my daughter got wet and mom did too. Collecting shells and enjoying the water, even as it sprinkled. My daughter had fun. That was the important thing.
Back in the car mom wanted us to meet her boyfriend. My daughter didn't want to. She's seven years old. This became an interesting situation. Where do you choose your battles? Whose boundaries are more important? I felt very conflicted. I wanted to be polite, and honor my mother's desire to share her life with us. However, I also know that the boyfriend is addicted to marijuana and painkillers. So I am not in any hurry to have him be an important part of my life. My daughter bailed us out. She fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant. I met the boyfriend in the parking lot, and passed my mother over him. I explained the early wake-up and the long plane ride, and said "maybe tomorrow". I left my mother with him to go to dinner, and I made the hour drive to my hotel. My daughter woke up just before I got us there.
We had some wonderful bonding unloading the luggage and getting our room ready. Then we walked in the rain to a nearby restaurant and sat on the covered patio listening to music, watching the rain, and looking out on the bay. It was a nice dinner. We found a small store to get some milk and snacks, and watched a couple of ducks waddling around randomly. Back in our room we saw a rainbow over the water and palm trees. It was a simple and beautiful night.
The next day we drove again to see my mother. We did the sightseeing we had planned to do. My mother used a bad word and I told her so. Another grandmother told her to watch it too. I was glad it didn't just come from me. Then mom tried to take us to a beach that was covered in crabs. It was close to her house but man... my daughter said "no way". I tried to be brave and power through it but eventually I had to agree. It was just not acceptable. So we got in the car, over mom's protests, and went back to the beach we had gone to the day before. This time I had my bathing suit and I swam in the salty water. The weather was nicer too so that helped.
Once again we were faced with the issue of The Boyfriend wanting to have dinner with us. This was really hard for me. I wanted to support both my mother and my daughter. Finally my mother decided that he probably wasn't feeling well enough (or maybe it was too late) or whatever.. but we didn't include him. We went to an IHOP just the three of us. It was near her apartment so it was a short ride home after it was over.
She didn't mention my weight. I didn't mention hers. We tried very hard not to fight. My daughter got to see her grandmother and share with her. They splashed water at each other, collected shells, and enjoyed a boat ride on a river. Hopefully a memory was made for both of them.
It was hard work, it was expensive, and it was a reminder that my mother is growing older and will die with the diseases I have known her to have. She is not getting better. She never will. She is who she is.
I'm having nightmares now. Nightmares of being disabled, poor, lost, and alone. Maybe nightmares of what it might feel like to be in her shoes. My subconscious knows something I don't. Something I can't articulate well. I am aware of this. I am grieving, coping, and hoping I am doing the right things.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Amen.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
not quite serenity but acceptance maybe
Funny how time passes. Has it really been 3 months sine I've written? My mother is still in Florida only by now she's changed her address. She moved across the street. She went from a 2-bedroom with no balcony to a 1-bedroom with a balcony. Naturally she had to sell some things to afford the paperwork for the move. Naturally her boyfriend and his friends helped her. She met her boyfriend through a former neighbor at her old place. Her boyfriend's mother lived there and introduced her. I think part of the reason for the move was probably to get away from the mother. Anyway my mother's health issues continue. I think at this point she may have kidney disease or something but it's hard to know for sure. She's undergoing some testing and my understanding is she's been in and out of the hospital quite a bit lately. Hasn't stopped her from an occasional motorcycle ride though, without a helmet. I just hope she's not the one doing the driving. Live and Let Live, right? It is so much easier to do that with her being in Florida than it was when she was here in Massachusetts.
Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.
Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.
Minding my own business... I think I mentioned previously that I reunited with my former foster sister. We found each other through Facebook. This past weekend my daughter and I visited her home for her daughter's birthday party. It was a pool party and my daughter had a great time. Even though we didn't know anyone but our hosts my daughter put a smile on and was determined and able to have a great time. I was very proud of her. The following day I returned to pick up what I had left behind by accident the day before. This time I went by myself and I had the opportunity to meet my foster sister's adoptive parents. I'm not sure how many people are as blessed as I am to have this happen in my life. This woman was my sister for four years, and was ripped away from my life because of my mother's abuse to her. I never got another sister and I cried through therapy for a long time and never really "got over it". I feel extremely blessed that after about 30 years we are in touch, and I am grateful that she is doing so well. She had rough start in life. I am glad that she finally got the loving family she deserved, a happy marriage, and two great kids and all of it. I didn't abuse her I don't think so I can't exactly make amends, but I can do my part to let her know that I care and that she wasn't the only one who was abused etc. We had four years together, and four years in my 41 years (and counting) may not seem like much, but I am grateful I had them.
Accept what has happened in the past. We cannot change it. All we can do is make sure that for today, for right now we do the best that we can. Every day I am trying to do that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)