I've been quiet for the last few days, not being sure what to say, what to reveal, what to keep quiet about. Sometimes it's hard to know these things. Someone, actually more than one, some bloggers were posting recently about domestic violence. Someone said that not all violence is done by men. Sometimes women are the violent ones. I know this well. My mother was abusive, and still is, in many more ways than one.
One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.
On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.
Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.
My mother, a recovering AA-er now, used to have rage attacks and I was usually the target. As a kid, I did what I had to do to deal with it. As an adult, I have done the same thing and it scared the hell out of me. I double my meetings, double my reading, and talk, talk, talk it out with someone in the rooms that I trust. It helped me. Now when I feel like that I can pick up the phone, no matter what time. It does get better.
ReplyDelete♥namaste♥
Tari,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I've also been reading and mulling over what are probably the same posts. My experience is similar. I could have written Kim's comment myself.
I haven't scared myself like that in years, thank God. But I did in the past. With my daughter, who is the person who got me to Al-Anon. I know I didn't cause her disease. But I know I have a part. She was affected by my Al-Alonism in the same way I was affected by my mother's, and my father's and step-father's alcoholism.
I have made amends as best I can to my daughter. I try to live my life as a living amends. It's all I can do.
I think I'll write about this, today...
ReplyDeleteI maybe need to clarify a little, but not much. I feel defensive now that I've written my piece.
ReplyDeleteMy moments of yelling and crying are usually something along the lines of "Why can't I ever get any sleep in this house???" Sometimes I do target my husband a bit on the lines of "You always stay out so late on Saturday nights and I never get any sleep!" And it's true. He stays out until 3am or so, and I don't sleep on those nights. However I don't think I've targeted my kid so far, and I've never used violence when I'm feeling this way. I usually march off to the bathroom or the living room to finish my outbursts and then return to the bedroom when I've calmed down.
I've 'out-bursted' more than once, in the wee hours of a sleepless morning. It isn't pretty, but the lessons learned last a lifetime.
ReplyDeleteAll that any of us can do is move forward, one small step at a time.
I respect your honesty and I believe you disclosed information in a way that did not tear yourself down and can help others. Don't second guess yourself.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, you did a good job. We all have feet of clay. Ask God to disclose the truth to you and in time He will.
PG
Tari, thanks for writing about the times that are "off". I have those days too. I remember that the feelings will pass and before I know it, I will be back on track. Often I reach out to my sponsor, get plenty of rest, and remember that the feelings I have aren't facts. Take care.
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