Well in spite of TRYING to THINK POSITIVE, I feel like fatigue and depression are winning. The other night I had a very intense nightmare about an abusive ex-boyfriend coming back in my life and trying to harm my daughter and myself. My husband was in the dream, but he wasn't able to save us from this horrible man. It was a pretty vivid dream, and I woke up crying and upset.
I've been married for almost 7 years, and started dating my husband in 2002. He's a very good man, and not an addict etc. He has never hurt me. Why am I still having dreams like this? Is this what PTSD looks like? Or should I just shrug it off, no big deal?
This morning I am asking myself questions about identity. How do I want to define myself? Am I a "survivor" or a "victim" or "just another anonymous soul" or just "me"? I don't like asking myself questions about who I am. It makes me feel uneasy. How big or small is "recovery" in my life? Does it define me? Or do I not work hard enough?
Enough! I say. I applied my program to dealing with my daughter this morning, but not until after I had tried it the other way and seen it fail. Next time maybe I'll remember to apply it first instead of suffering the frustration of the failure.
Showing posts with label victim. Show all posts
Showing posts with label victim. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more
Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.
Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...
oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.
Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.
Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.
At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.
So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this. I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.
Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...
oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.
Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.
Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.
At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.
So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this. I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.
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