Step One- Admitted we were powerless....

"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."

This seems like a good place to start for today. Many times when I think about this step, I stop at the comma. "I admitted I was powerless." Sometimes being powerless can be very freeing. I was wishing I was powerless yesterday. I told my husband "I wish I wasn't a grown-up. Being responsible, having opinions, and having to watch all this stuff happen is just so painful!" I am in a hard spot now with my family, I am powerless and I hate it. Seventeen years ago, I was powerless and I was good with it. The family gave me Responsibility though, and now I have Guilt.

I was 21 when my maternal grandfather died, and I was chosen to spend a week at their house, keeping an eye on my grandmother. They'd been married for 50 years. Not surprisingly, my grandmother didn't open up to me. I would wake in the middle of the night and find her playing solitaire at the kitchen table, just like always, and she was talking to my grandfather, just like always. I've always felt that I botched that week. She didn't reach out to me, no surprise, and she grieved my grandfather dearly. Now it's her turn soon. The nurse at the nursing home told me "She's fading." She's not in pain, and she's not sick, but she's slowing down. Sometime she'll fall asleep and that will be it I think.

What does this have to do with alcoholics? Because they are my maternal grandparents, that's what. I have to deal with my mom a lot right now, and she's just as toxic as ever. After a brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday, I went to my mother's house. My aunt and uncle were there (uncle is my mom's brother), and my brother was there with his youngest son. I'd never met the son before, and he just turned a year old. I was happy to meet him, but a quick look around the apartment told me very quickly that my mom and my brother have different ideas of parenting than I do. Anyway, my mom and my uncle were going through my grandmother's jewelry box, and I didn't think that was right. The box is personal, and she's still alive. Leave it alone!

I'm powerless. I'm just the grandchild. I have no say in this. It is their mother, not mine. Shut up, and be quiet and let it go.

I didn't stay long. My daughter was taking a nap in the car, and my husband was out there with her, with the engine running. I dropped some things off for the baby and left as quickly as possible, but not without feeling some pain.

The next day I talked to my mom on the phone, and told her I'd like her to keep the jewelry box as in tact as possible, and if she wanted, I'd pay her for it. I just want to keep it sacred, but I didn't tell her that. Then she switched the conversation to my brother. She asked me if I thought the baby was fat, and then she told me my brother had served time in jail. I'd never heard of him being in jail, in fact as far as I know he's in the National Guard Reserves, so I'd be quite surprised if he'd done jail time. I pressed her for details- when? what jail? for how long? how many times? She faded. I knew then she was lying. Same old, same old with her. I just can't trust her to tell me the truth. I am so powerless.

And then the last part, can't forget that...l "my life had become unmanageable". Indeed, my life feels very unmanageable when I'm around her, and I spent hours crying yesterday. Hours.

This is a hard time in my life. A week ago I was feeling up, but this week I'm down. I am turning to my HP, and even considered trying to go to church (but I don't think the stress it would bring to my marriage is worth it). I am praying though, and meditating, and focusing on the tools of Al-Anon. I am constantly reminded that whether I like it or not, my mother is still sick in so many ways, and I am still an adult child of an alcoholic.

Step 12 and this blog

Yesterday I was still meditating on my visits with my family over the weekend. How will those encounters translate to my blog? What do I want to say? I emailed a friend and she responded that I seemed more positive than she expected. At home I opened an old filing cabinet and found my "12 step" folder. Even though I had long ago gifted away my Al-Anon books and meditation tools, I did manage to keep several brochures and small items from my meetings many years ago. These were a delight to read as I remembered the words "Detachment" and "Just for Today". Many of the slogans, steps, and tools from Al-Anon have become a part of my life over the years. Very slowly I learned to begin living the life and detach from my mother and other toxic persons around me. This has not been an easy journey, and a lot of times I slipped, fell and cried. However I am a stronger person now than I was 10 years ago. It was probably about 8 years ago that I found Al-Anon and I've come a long way since then.

Step 12 says : "12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

This blog is a way of practicing that step. This is a way for me to carry my message to others, if anyone is listening. I may not always get the font right, or the format, but my words might inspire someone to practice these principles themselves and realize that the tools of Al-Anon and the 12 Step programs can bring sanity into focus. I hope that's what happens anyway. There is a lot to talk about, and I hope I can do it in a positive way that inspires others and lifts them in some way.