Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more

Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.

Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...

oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.

Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.

Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.

At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.

So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this.  I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.

Name calling

Someone called me an "enabler" today and I'm still stinging from it. It's someone who I've never met face-to-face, but only know online. I don't think of myself as being an "enabler", but I think it can be a fine line between being a "supportive family member" and being an "enabler". I've never been an enabler with my mother. I've practiced a lot of tough love with her. With my husband though, I worry about that, and being accused is really throwing me into self-doubt. He's got some medical issues that he is working through with his doctor. I know it's his illness, his body (and mind), and he's an adult. He can work this through on his own, but I am trying to be there for support. Occasionally I go with him to the doctor's office, but not always. Yesterday I did and on Thursday I won't. Mostly I don't go, but if it's urgent I do go if I can.

I am also concerned about being a "toxic person". No one has actually called me that, but the fact that I've been called an "enabler" has made me wonder. Am I "toxic"? Am I the very kind of person that I don't think I am?? God I hope not. Would I know it if I was??

These are not good thoughts, and can be draining if I let them take over. I need to shut off those voices and live in the moment. I have work to do and a family who needs me, and a book to read if time permits. If someone else thinks I am something, then I need to let that be her problem, and not let it control ME.