I've been stuck in my own head lately. I've tried reading books, and talking to friends, but I keep coming back to the "what ifs" and all the other things that seem to poison my mind. I got an argument over nothing with my husband yesterday and blamed it on PMS. It didn't matter though, the apology didn't matter. He was hurt, I was wrong, and he took our daughter and left for a few hours. I had more time to myself, more time to stew in my own head, not a good time.
This morning the child was troublesome, but he and I were back on the same page again. I'm grateful for this. I don't like it when we get misaligned. I'm still off somewhere though, and trying to find my way back to the present. I'm not sure why.
Showing posts with label off-kilter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label off-kilter. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Off-kilter
I've been quiet for the last few days, not being sure what to say, what to reveal, what to keep quiet about. Sometimes it's hard to know these things. Someone, actually more than one, some bloggers were posting recently about domestic violence. Someone said that not all violence is done by men. Sometimes women are the violent ones. I know this well. My mother was abusive, and still is, in many more ways than one.
One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.
On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.
Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.
One of my worries as a person is that I will follow in her footsteps. Sometimes I worry that I am. At 4am I do not feel human. My emotions get the best of me if I am awake. Sometimes I can blame this on PMS I guess, but really it worries me. At home with only my husband and my daughter as my witness, the tears and the screaming flow from me, and in the morning I barely remember. I am remorseful of course, but it doesn't make it better for them. I know this. Am I abusive? Or is it human to be irrational at an irrational hour? I don't know. I do not want to be an abusive wife or mother. I am not using substances so I can't blame it on being drunk or whatever. I just don't function well after a certain hour of the night/morning. By 5am or 6am I am sane again, but catch me at 3am or 4am, and I am something else.
On another off-kilter note, I was in tears this morning. I was in the library, doing my library work, and happen to be in a section of books about emergency care for newborns, infants, and pediatrics. One book was titled "born to die". I began having flashbacks to my daughter's birth, and other times when she nearly died. The time I held her in my arms, hearing her gasping for air, with a nurse on the phone telling me calmly to hang up and call 9-1-1, the ambulance ride, the week in PICU, and more. I silently let the tears slide down my face as I did my work. When I was done, I found my husband and gave him a hug. I reminded him that he was the only person in the whole world who understood me and I was so grateful for him. He reminded me that our daughter is medicated now, and those worries are behind us as much as they can be.
Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I am taking minute by minute, hour by hour and really trying to "Let go and Let HP" because I know I can't do it alone.
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