Forgive my absence

Forgive my absence folks. My daughter has chicken pox. When we put her to bed last Wednesday night we noticed some dots but weren't sure what they were. We thought they were bug bites. When we picked her up from school on Thursday she had dots on her face and we took her to the doctor right away. The doctor couldn't confirm it because it was so mild, but we kept her home on Friday anyway. Over the weekend it became obvious to us that it is chicken pox. So my husband and I have been shuffling staying home with her and working, which means my blogging world is not at the top of my to-do pile, and I've gotten pretty far behind. The doctor said she can go back to school on Thursday, no April Fools joke, so hopefully after then I can start getting back on top of things. She's had the vaccination and really feels fine, but the "book" says she needs to be isolated for a week and that's what we're doing.

I wish I had a parent/grandparent who could watch her, but my father works full-time and my mother.. never! I would never let her babysit. Yet another way that alcohol takes it's toll on our family.

My health- update on checkup

I decided to just listen to the doctor and not make waves. I did ask her a couple of questions about my recent illness and she assured me that it happened very randomly. It wasn't a sign of age, stress, or poor diet. People of all ages get this illness, and unfortunately I can expect to continue to feel some pain for several months. If I'm not better by the end of May, then we can talk. The end of May seems pretty far away.

She ordered some lab tests, that I will probably get billed for thanks to the new health insurance deductibles that we have been hit with since February, but I didn't argue. I went back this morning after having fasted for my 12-14 hours, and did the blood test without complaining.

This afternoon my supervisor pointed out an error I'd made with some accounting work on Monday. It seems I mistook $8.47 and $8.97. I was unable to tell the 4 from a 9. Oops! My eyes are another issue. Not due to get those checked until June. I am considering a magnifying glass or something. I've already increased the font size on my home computers. Joy! I really am getting old, but I know I can't fight it. Just have to Let Go and Let HP and hope for the best.

back from our trip

The trip went as well as it could. No one likes being stuck in traffic when you are only a few miles from where you are going, and you've been stuck in the car for 2 hours. And a preschooler isn't going to nap, and is going to be cranky in the afternoons, and dinner is going to be a challenge. We knew that going into this, so it was no surprise to have those moments.
I enjoyed the hotel pool and the wireless internet and the hotel breakfasts. We were blessed with great weather, and got to the zoo before it got TOO crowded. We did miss connections with a friend of mine, but it was more her loss than ours. I knew my daughter wouldn't be much of a playmate under these conditions so I think it was for the best.
The trip home went better since we broke it up a bit and everyone had their happy memories to keep them company for the ride. I was surprised that we were all back to our usual stations- work and school- on Monday morning.

This afternoon I am going to see my regular doctor for a check-up. I have not been able to see her while I've been ill during the last few weeks so this will be her first look at me in quite some time. I am recovering from my illness, but it is still visible on my body. I am still taking some pain medication, although not as much as before. Depending on how rushed she is, it could be an interesting visit, or not. I've been trying to put together a list for her, but mostly I'm hoping that she will do the talking and ask the questions. I feel like everything I could say has been said before.

things that never happened...

Sometimes in the morning I wake up still aware of my dreams. This morning was one of those days. I was on my way into the kitchen telling myself "Wow that was so scary when....." and then I realized it never happened. It was just something from a dream. The scariest things in my life have happened and I bury them deep, but the other stuff that I worry about is often just a daydream of "what ifs..." and I need to quiet that part of my mind.

We're going out of town for the weekend. A friend of mine might try to catch up with us. I don't know how that will go, but I am letting it go. I do not want to spend my time wondering about the what-ifs. I have enough to do with what-is's.

Medical stuff continued

I last posted on Wednesday, and on Friday I went back to the doctor. I got a prescription goo to put over the blisters. It took 3 pharmacies before we found one that actually realized that the script was wrong and called the Nurse Practitioner to get the right script written. After that, I went home and slept. I took the day off. On Saturday we celebrated my mother's 60th birthday and my daughter behaved well. On Sunday we celebrated my grandmother's 99th birthday- her actual birthday is tomorrow- but my daughter did not behave well, and neither did my pain. We all suffered through the rain and the event, and I was grateful to get home.

Today is Tuesday already, and after another sleepless night I called the doctor again this morning and said I was running out of the prescription pain pills. Do I need more or will this get better tonight or tomorrow? I hate asking for pain pills. Garnet posted about not wanting to order someone an MRI who might not need it. I'm not sure I want more prescription pills. I'd like to heal and be able to count on over the counter ibuprofen to be enough. I'm not sure it will be though, so I called. After work today I'll go back to the pharmacy. The nurse practitioner agreed to prescribe some more pills. Teresa posted about needing to get off the pity potty. I need to get off of my pity potty too. It's good to get some outside perspective, and I am trying to do that. I still hurt though, especially at night. On the bright side I am taking Friday off.

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

Today I am grateful that although I am in extreme pain this week, the pain will eventually end. I am grateful to not have to live with constant pain, the way my husband does. I am grateful for the chance to gain perspective without having to live with it forever (I hope!).

I am also grateful that the tow truck I saw this morning was not for our car. I am grateful that the driver was fine, and apparently the damage to the car was minimum. I am grateful that my husband had patience, and did not drive across the lawn of the nearby home, as some other drivers were doing. I am grateful that we were able to show our daughter patience, and that it seemed to pay off. We were powerless and we knew it. We don't always have the opportunities to show her things like that.

I am grateful for a sunny day, even if I can't be outside. I think days like this improve everyone's moods, even as I sit her cringing with the pain.

Doing an inventory on being the victim and self-doubt and more

Wow, that's quite a headline, huh? A lot going on, and yet it's all so simple if I just break it down step by step.

Last week I came down with a medical issue. I was reluctant to confront it at first but eventually my husband made it clear that I needed medical attention. So I went, and handed over some things on my "to do" list to my husband. The doctor gave me over-the-counter advice, and a trip the pharmacy followed. My husband wasn't satisfied with that though, and suggested I go to another pharmacy on Sunday and actually ASK the pharmacist for advice. So another expense. Right here we're at $60 in copays for the doctor and the over the counter remedies. On Monday I suffered. My husband stayed home with the sick kid, and I went to work with my over-the-counter remedies that were not remedying my problems. The self-doubt was already going because my husband hadn't been satisfied with my first round of purchases on Saturday, and I was obviously ignorant of my condition. I'd never had this before or known or anyone with it either. So my old brain started thinking "Maybe I LIKE being the VICTIM". Maybe I'm doing all of this to myself for some reason to get extra attention. I'm being awfully cranky to my husband and my kid. Maybe I'm trying to get revenge on them for something...

oh this is an awful thing to think about, to be thinking that I enjoy being the victim.. yuck.

Monday night was another miserable night, and I was up most of the night crying in pain. In the morning my husband said our daughter was still sick and needed to stay home. I made the phone calls. Then I retreated back to the bedroom for a few moments alone, and when I came back out I was angry. Our daughter isn't really sick. She's much better. I need to go back to the doctor, and if I stay home with her all day, I can't go.. etc. It was ugly in our house. More time passed as we tried to assess our daughter's health. Finally we quickly pulled ourselves together and all of us got in the car.

Daughter made it to school just in time for class to start, and she was happy to see her favorite teacher back from vacation. I could tell that she was healthy and happy, and going to have a good day. Husband dropped me off at the doctor's office, and then took himself to work.

At the doctor's office I tried to see my regular doctor but she was out sick. So I saw the same triage nurse that I had seen over the weekend and a nurse practitoner. I gave them the update, got some sympathy, and then I got a low level prescription. I want pain relief but I want to be able to be functional too.

So now the day is ending, almost, and I've had 2 doses of the prescription. I'm not cured by any means but I am functional and my mood is improving, and I can think clearly. I do not want to be the victim. I do not know why I have this illness or what triggered it, but I do want to get better quickly. Hopefully I am on the path to do this.  I will try to make amends to my husband and daughter this evening for my cranky behavior, and I will use my medication responsibly, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few weeks.

Friday Flash 55- Can I do 55?

I've heard the challenge, and here is my response--


My mother is turning 60 next week. Whether I love her or hate her, I probably won't see her on many of her birthdays. I know she will return to Florida just as soon as she can. I don't think she'll go this summer, but she might go next summer. Happy Birthday Mom! Love you.

One Step at a Time with money

Money has always been something I've struggled with. For years and years I never had enough and had to scrape by on very little. Did I have enough to buy a newspaper? Probably not. Bus fare? Maybe a few days, other days it was stick the thumb out and get to work that way. When I was single I was very good at keeping track of it. I budgeted even when there was not enough to go around. I kept my checkbook up to date, and I was as careful as I could be. Getting married and debit cards changed that. Since there are two of us spending it I can't keep track of it as well, and asking for receipts all the time gets to be a hassle. So slowly money got away from us. For a while though we had enough to buy the extra newspaper, or go out for dinner. It was okay that I wasn't keeping track of every dollar. We weren't in danger of being behind. We had... a disposable income! That was something I never felt I had when I was single. Since we switched daycares though money has gotten tighter. We really haven't adapted to the change, and it's been over a year. For a while we were doing okay, but gradually we slip. With the holidays, my grandmother's death, the added things that go on in life... our finances took a bit of a dive. I've been trying to get things under control for a long time. Another hit that came was health care expenses. Suddenly my daughter and my husband were costing us a lot in prescription copays and doctors visits and trips to the emergency room. This was a wake-up for us. We got one of those health savings cards. Now money is taken out of my paycheck and we have a sort of debit card to use for it. We have to keep track of the receipts and how much we spend. This is one small step toward the big picture. I am seeing that as my husband is aware of the money he is now asking his doctor "what about the generic?" and being mindful of how often we go out to eat etc. In January I had to do some moving of money to cover our property taxes. I communicated this to my husband and told him we'd be okay soon. At the end of February we are still behind, but getting closer. When we finally get our tax refund we might be able to bridge the gap, but that's not the fix we are looking for because there are other places we'd like to spend that refund. So small steps, one step at a time. First the medical bills, and that is working. We are mindful of our utility bills as well. We are constantly examining whether we could cut our tv, electric, and phone bills. We cut our oil bill down by lowering the heat at night. Slowly, slowly, slowly.. one day at a time. In the meantime I know that I need to communicate and share regularly with him so that this isn't on my shoulders alone, and eventually we will get there.