It's so sad to watch it happening....

I have known it was going to be like this, sort of, for a long time. My mother has been an addict for so long. My grandmother always bailed her out. My grandmother gave her money, gave her cars, pretended not to hear about the arrests and all the bad news... a lot of times of course my mother didn't give her the bad news. My grandmother needed to be "protected" because too much bad news would .. anyway... my grandmother is gone now, has been for over a year. So here I am watching this unfold sort of... my mom has a brother who is a few years older than her. He has fought his own addictions but he has lived a married life, raised 3 children, has stayed "stable" in spite of whatever demons he was fighting. My mother meanwhile did not stay in one place and ... well I was reading a description the other day and I thought it fit her pretty well....it was a description of antisocial personality disorder. Now my mother is a pretty social person however she is also a star at manipulation and can have charisma when she chooses to turn it on. She knows how to get what she wants, how to play all the games, and how to lie, cheat, and steal to meet her goals.

So where am I going with this? Her enabler is gone (my grandmother) and my mother still has her diseases and disorders and is not going to get better. At Christmas she was trying to take it easy with the cigarettes because she wanted us to visit us, but when I saw her New Years Day she admitted that she'd had a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes on New Years eve. Not that she needed to confess to me or anything she ws just telling me that she was feeling wrecked and hung-over I think.

Now she is trying to figure out where to live again. She never stays anywhere for more than a year or two and the process of relocating is a constant stress in her life. Her apartment didn't pass Section 8 inspection and she's not sure if the landlord is motivated to try to get it to pass so one way or another she will have to move. The question of course will be "where?" I am not giving any opinions. She seems happier in Florida. She likes the weather there. Okay, maybe I am giving an opinion.. she should go where she is happy. I do not know what will happen to her there though. I fear that I am going to get a phone call from a police officer or a doctor... she'll be in jail or in a hospital... and then what? Will I bail her out? I think she knows better than that. Still it's hard to watch. I hope she doesn't become homeless. That would be really, really tough. No one wants that for their loved one. It seemed like she was on the verge of that a few years ago when she almost got busted for drugs. I forget what magic she worked to get out of it. I think she plead down to a lower charge or something. She never did tell me the full story. Anyway, it's sad.

I was hoping that she'd grow up some day. That some day she'd be the adult, be responsible, and beat her addictions. She's 60 now and it's obvious to me that it's never going to happen. Both her parents are gone, her brother has fought cancer, she's a grandmother herself, and none of that matters to her. She still lives the life of addict who doesn't want help. It's hard to explain to my preschooler.

I really have to let go and let HP work because I am powerless and I know it. It still hurts to see it though. I wish I could wake her up and change her and yet I know I never can.

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Still standing...

How has it been 2 weeks since I last put up a post? Sigh.

Well, we're still standing and the tree is still there and everyone is still speaking to each other, I think. I think but I'm not sure.

My husband gave me the best gift on the 23rd by taking our daughter out of the house for a few hours so I could wrap and clean. I only needed 2 hours, but he gave me 4. By the time they came home I was actually missing them and a little worried. Still, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and was grateful for the peace he gave me.

On the 24th we saw my mother. We picked her up, called the restaurant to be sure of a table, and went out for lunch. Then we stopped at a grocery store, and finally came up to our house. The whole process took longer than we expected, but it went fine. Everyone behaved mostly, in spite of a few rude comments from my mother. My mother gave us exactly what we had asked for regarding gifts, with only a few weird things thrown in. In the end she decided she didn't want to go to church after all, so I drove her home just before suppertime, and then found a parking lot with internet so I could check a few things online. When I got home, I ate some dinner, and put my daughter to bed. Did my Santa thing later in the evening, and actually got some sleep.  On Christmas Day we had our planned Christmas morning, which went fine. Then in the afternoon my dad and his girlfriend came over. I like her, and my daughter is very comfortable with her so that went well. It wasn't until after they left that I realized it was the girlfriend's first visit to our home.

Oddly none of our guests ended up eating in our house, so all the snacks and extra foods that we bought... we are still eating. Oh well.

Of course good times never come without some pain, and the day after Christmas we got our property tax bill and credit card statement. I hate money in January, it's always rough.

Meanwhile my mother had planned to spend Christmas day with my brother's ex-wife and her children, and possibly my brother. I'm not really sure what happened, but a series of phone messages that she left tell me that things did not go well. My mom has this annoying habit of not answering the phone when I call. She lets the answering machine "screen" all her calls. Then she calls back and says "Sorry I didn't hear the phone ring." Personally, I think it's bulls---. I have caller ID though, so when she gets particularly ugly, I ignore her calls myself. However, she makes a game out of it. One night this week she got this game going where she had called me when I was at work, and when I called her back, she didn't answer the phone. Then she called me back when I was busy with supper so I couldn't get to the phone. When I called her back, I got her machine again. Finally, she called back and my daughter decided to answer the phone. I wasn't near enough to stop her, but my husband could have. He decided not to stop her though, and I guess the conversation was somewhat comical. Evidently my daughter told my mom that I was taking a break, and that was the end of it. I called my mom back one more time, and she gave me the machine again. Stupid game in my opinion. That was a few days ago, and I haven't talked to her since.

For New Years Eve we are expecting a snow storm. My husband might go out anyway, might not. I plan to stay home with the kid and drink some sparkling apple juice or something. Nothing exciting. On Saturday we'll celebrate Christmas with friends at some point, and maybe on Sunday I'll take down the tree. Or maybe not. We'll see. I'm not in any hurry.

Happy Holidays! May your New Year be healthy and happy.