More on finding my former foster siblings

I posted this somewhere else but I thought I would share it here too..

It's Mental Health Awareness week. Did you know that?

My mother is an alcoholic. I can say that now. When I was growing up it wasn't allowed. She's been married and divorced 3 times and has been "single" now for many, many years although she almost always has a boyfriend around somewhere. She can't stand to be "alone".

When I was growing up she was married to my step-father (now ex-step-father) for a few years. During that time they tried to have kids but my mom kept having miscarriages. So they decided to do foster care. We got a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. My parents still wanted a baby though so when I was 9 years old (3 years later) they got a 3-month old baby boy who they eventually adopted.

The foster kids stayed with us for 4 years. During that time my mother abused the girl. When the social workers finally caught on to the abuse the kids were pulled out of our home immediately. I pretty much never saw them again.

Flash forward 30 years. Last week I found their names on Facebook. They were connected to a friend of a friend.. the girl has changed her name thanks to adoption and marriage. The boy has also changed his name because of adoption. However after figuring out what I could I solved the puzzle.

So after 30 years we are getting the chance to catch up. My mother is in Florida and I haven't told her. I might soon, but so far I haven't. My adopted brother is 31 years old now, and still in touch with my mother and my step-father. He doesn't remember the foster kids at all I think since he was only an infant when it all happened. He's 9 years younger than me so he had a different experience with this all.

Still I think what is amazing is that I think the girl thought she was the only one to be abused, and while I knew that my mother hit her once I did not know much of the other stuff. The words that come into my head are "You are not alone." I think we both thought we were alone on this, and turns out we weren't.

Many ACOAs feel they are alone. I know as a kid I wanted nothing to do with group therapy because I didn't honestly believe that anyone else had a crazy mother like I do. I know better now, and sadly I have heard stories far worse than ours as the years have gone by. Still.. it's a good thing. Very traumatic, but a good thing.

I've done a lot of writing in the past week, and this is more of it. I think writing it down helps make it real, and helps me process what can best be described as "grief".

Thanks for reading my story.

Celebrating with our Family of Choice

We had a pretty busy weekend. Taxes did not get done, grocery shopping BARELY got done, beds were left unmade, and dishes sat in the sink. The weather was nice, and there were better things to do than be inside.

One of my big accomplishments, that matters to no one but me, is that we did not spend time with my mother. A major holiday, in my family anyway, and I dodged, and dodged well I think. My mom pleaded being sick, and I did not argue. Then when my father gave us an invite to his girlfriend's house, I jumped at it. My father has been divorced from my mom since I was a baby. His girlfriend has only been widowed for 7-10 years. Her children are grown, and she has grandchildren. Although we've met her several times over the last two years, this was our first visit to her home, and only our second visit with her children and grandchildren (our first visit was in February). My daughter had a great time, and I think I did too. I know at first we were all nervous but eventually we relaxed and really enjoyed the day.

My father is family of course, but it was nice to spend time with the rest of them. My daughter is too young to really understand family dynamics and all of that. She doesn't understand that I am nervous about "intruding" on this other family, and I think that's good. My daughter is showing her love for these people unconditionally, and easily, and innocently. When we left, she gave one of the women a hug goodbye. I am not ready to call that woman "aunt" or "sister", but it joyed my heart to see the expression of kindness.

I am hopeful that my father's relationship will continue for many years. He seems so happy, and his girlfriend seems happy too. I am so glad that she sought him out, and things are going well for them. I think we are lucky beneficiaries of it too. While my mother may be crazy, and absent, and my in-laws are all out of state, we have a "family of choice" that is sane, and caring, and fun. It should be an interesting journey.